The Robert Pattinson fever

Dear Rob,

We interrupt your relaxing in LA (aka your “I’m staying out of the public eye so that UC has nothing to write but made-up PSAs” time) to share a Public Service Announcement with our readers. Feel free to print out a few hundred copies and throw them through the fast-food drive through windows when you order your double double cheeseburger with bacon, leave them on the counter at the gas station convenience store when you run in to pick up a week’s supply of funyuns or drop them at the doctors office when you go in to get your prescription for your ‘can-only-order-from-the-doctor-beacause-stores-don’t-sell-them-so-big” condoms.

Have you ever e-mailed a friend something like this?

So…. I just looked at outtake #1 only of the Vanity Fair shoot with Rob…. I’m having heart palpitations!!! Whew!!! What is it that makes my body shudder??? Seriously!!!! I don’t like someone having control over me like this- especially someone I don’t know!!! Wait a minute….. i’m totally OK with Robert having control over me!! hahahaha!! I seriously don’t think I can look at the rest right now. it’s too distracting! -ItalianGirl

Have you ever made something like this in your not-so-spare time?

-JulieP

Have you ever experienced a scenario like this?

I went to CVS last night to pick up prescriptions and there just happened to be a December issue of Vanity Fair there! One left! It must be a sign! So I set it on the counter. I finally got all my prescription stuff squared away and paid and left. It was not until I walked down the aisle and looked at the condoms that I realized I forgot the Rob Vanity Fair on the counter haha. Yep those are the types of things that trigger my rob memory -Jen

Have you ever woken up and were not sure how it got to be the month that it is?

Was it like you lost a huge chunk of time and days, weeks and months went by without you even knowing it? Do alerts chime daily on your computer reminding you of reports you were supposed to run months ago at work? Have your children been begging to be fed? Do your house’s toilets cry out for you to clean them? Do Christmas presents need to be bought, wrapped and sent from last year?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you might have the Robert Pattinson Fever.

Hello, I'm Doctor Rob. What seems to be the problem?

Other symptoms include:

• The Robert Pattinson shakes: This might occur when you’re anticipating something Rob-related. Found out he’s going to be on Ellen in 3 weeks, 7 days and 4 hours? Shakes. Found out there’s a chance he might come to your town for Remember Me promotion? Shakes. Learned that your 2nd cousin’s ex-husband’s brother’s best friend went to a Bobby Long concert, bought him a beer and they had a 37 second conversation where Bobby said, “My friend Rob likes that team too!*” Major Shakes.
• The Robert Pattinson trembles: Commonly occurs after a leaked photo-shoot. After Urban Cowboy Rob came out from GQ did you tremble so hard you thought you might morph into a cowgirl yourself? When you saw the leaked photos from Harper’s Bazaar, did you tremble with anger that it was not you he was riding the motorcycle with?
• The Robert Pattinson gooey-feeling: You might notice a feeling in your stomach like you’re on a see-saw from time to time. Or like you’re on a really fast roller-coaster. You may have a strong desire to imagine that you’re riding the Robert Pattinson roller-coaster- the Robert Pattinson express. That’s Normal. It’s just the fever setting in, making you delirious and causing you to think sexual things about a really fast piece of machinery that actually has nothing to do with Rob and has a better chance of killing you than providing you sexual pleasure.
• The inevitable barfing: Did you head out to the local karaoke dive with the girls last weekend only to discover that your former favorite song to sing with the the local drunk (Willy the drunk guy) “I love Rock n’ Roll” now causes you to keel over and dry heave? Used to love to put the Italian spice “oregano” on your pizza but no longer seem to be able to stomach the stuff? The Robert Pattinson fever can cause your subconscious to revolt against anything remotely-related to Kristen Stewart. Barfing will always inevitably come with the realization that Kristen Stewart gets to tap that.

Be safe. Stay indoors with your GQ, Vanity Fair, Harpar’s Bazaar & collection of 4207 pictures on your computer. Stay away from REAL roller-coasters. And never, ever watch that movie “Panic Room” from 2002.

I got a fever… and the only prescription.. is more Urban Cowboy + Lobster + Motorcycle (minus the beeyotch) Robert Pattinson, all doing me on a roller-coaster (while eating funyuns),
UnintendedChoice

*There’s a good chance Bobby was referring to a different friend named Rob as a sentence containing “Rob” and “likes that team” has never before been uttered.

Thanks to Italian Girl & Jen, my two real-life friends for their hilarious stories (okay Italian girl’s was a real reaction to her seeing the Vanity Fair pictures for the first time!) and to JulieP for the brilliant hand-cuffed RobPorn!

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