*It’s time again! Yup, tomorrow another American holiday is upon us and it’s time to explain to Rob why we’re once again gorging on food, taking the day off and generally being lazy. As is our custom here at LTR we’ve called upon a good buddy and fellow patriot to explain this delicious holiday to Rob*
Guess what? It’s time for another American holiday! Welcome to Thanksgiving, tomorrow is a special day where you get together with family and friends to celebrate all the things you’re thankful for in your life by stuffing your face until you can no longer move.
Just to give you a brief overview, the totally un-PC version of America’s history is that some British folk left England decked out in their finest hats and shoes with giant buckles, and wandered on over to the unknown land that would one day be known as America. These Brits, known as “Pilgrims,” kind of elbowed their way into land already owned by the natives, and made themselves at home. After some unrest, the “Native Americans” – which were quite affectionately called “Indians” until we realized that was pretty terrible of us – and the “Pilgrims” arranged a peace treaty, and had a celebratory feast to give thanks for said peace and for a bountiful harvest.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: a treaty between the natives and a bunch of white people sounds suspiciously familiar. But take my word for it – these natives didn’t turn into wolves, and the white people didn’t drink any blood.
So naturally, over the years, we American’s have completely bastardized that first gathering and have transformed the holiday into a competitive eating event with new traditions. Here’s what you have to look forward to:
- Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! Wake up early and watch a bunch of giant balloons that have absolutely nothing to do with anything maneuver their way through the streets of New York City while listening to asinine commentary by some TV news personality. If you’re lucky, you’ll catch a few lip-synched performances from some irrelevant musical acts!
- Turkey stuffed with … well, stuffing (or “dressing”). It’s bread cubes crammed inside of a bird, basically. Some people put sausage in it. And then you eat it all. Don’t worry, it’s not that strange… Just think, it sounds a little like a fancier version of one of your favorite culinary delights, no? I promise you it’s even BETTER than that pepperoni Hot Pocket.
- Various sides, including sweet potatoes topped with marshmallows just like the Pilgrims would have wanted, cranberry gel fresh from a can like nature intended, rolls sold by a creepy little doughboy that giggles when you touch him, and sometimes vegetables.
- DESSERT! There’s nothing more American than apple or pumpkin pie. That’s a lie – the only thing more American than having one of those is having a giant slice of EACH covered in ice cream and ReddiWip whipped cream. Note: refrain from taking a shot of whipped cream straight out of the can at the table – it’s usually frowned upon.
- Football. No not soccer, American football. You’re a guy, you’re supposed to like sports. Just cheer when the other guys cheer and you’ll be fine. Eventually they’ll all fall asleep on the couch, and you can go back to reading your obscure novel.
- If someone asks you if you want the wishbone, it’s not an obscure sexual innuendo. Two people hold either side of the turkey’s wishbone, pull, and whoever ends up with the biggest part of the bone gets a wish. If you win, might I recommend a wish for “self-cleaning hair” or an “endless array of flannel shirts” – something that’ll come in real handy, none of this “world peace” business.
So what’s in store for Rob this Thanksgiving? Find out after the cut
I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you’ll be spending the day with Kristen and her family. You’re probably looking forward to a (much deserved) break from the endless interrogation of all those relentless press people. But not so fast… See, Thanksgiving is the first of the big holidays where everyone gets together that you haven’t really seen or talked to in a while. So what does that mean? You’re going to get interrogated, it just won’t be on camera. Kristen’s nosy Aunt Millie is totally going to ask you to confirm the truth about Robsten, and Summit’s pre-scripted answers can’t even save you there. But just know that somewhere in New Jersey, I’ll be getting the third degree on any boys in my life, too. At least there aren’t any pictures of me holding hands (editors note: ahem, WRIST holding) with someone to contend with…
So enjoy the holiday, Rob. You certainly have a lot to be thankful for these days, even if everything you’ve got going for you means that you have to put up with complete lunatics on occasion *cough*pattinson pants lady*cough*. I know your pretty face is on my list of things to be thankful for, though I won’t be admitting that at the dinner table.
Don’t forget to wear elastic waist pants,
P.S. A special Thanksgiving thanks goes to UC and Moon and the amazing community they’ve built, giving me an outlet for my crazy. <3’s all around.
Big thanks to HeyyyBrother for explaining Thanksgiving to Rob! Did we miss anything? What part of Thanksgiving should Rob most be looking forward to? If you’ve got a holiday you’d like to explain to Rob please email us!
Special Note: For the rest of this Thankgiving week we will be giving thanks here on LTR and at LTT if you have something you’d like to give thanks for Rob or Twi-related (it can be small or big, short or long. That’s what she said) Feel free to email or tweet us so we can feature you!