Yesterday as I was responding to a few of our 270-something unread emails, (I think I caught up to October 7th. If you haven’t heard from us yet- you will soon!) I was reminded of how brilliant all of our readers are. And since there are only 7 days in a week and we only post once per day, we don’t get to share enough of the brilliant fan letters we receive. So today I’m sharing a few….
The one where she gets cock-blocked (A Rob-Dream)
I was at work (I’m an apprentice mechanic at Honda) and Robert must of come in to look at some cars (who knows why) and one of the salesman introduced me to him. He seemed very polite, and I asked him if he would like a tour of the building (I’m not sure why, cos I’m sure in real life he wouldn’t care). He said yes, so I took him to the workshop to introduce him to everyone and explain how things work etc. Then it was knock of time, and I said I had to go and pick up my son from school.
He asked if he could come with me. I said sure, and we started walking. We were talking a lot as we walked and we came to this bridge over a river and I pointed out some crocodiles. We kept walking and he said to me “So since you have a child I guess your opposed to sex.” I said “no why is that?” His reply was “well would you like to have sex” I said yes (naturally, who wouldn’t?). And we continued walking to get my son, we picked him up and took him to my friends house so she could babysit. Went back to his hotel to have dinner and then back to his room…. THEN I WOKE UP!!!
I am mortified! How can I just wake up at the most crucial part of the entire bloody dream??? Horrified I really am!!! -Nicole
The one with the hypotheticals
I’ll keep this short, I know you’re busy (actually so am I come to that). I just want your opinion on something, to find out your preferences if you will.
Ok so (hypothetically you understand) you are back in the UK and down in Cornwall for a few days. Across a crowded room, beach, surf shop, pub, club, you see me (I mean a hypothetical woman). She is obviously older than you, has long blonde hair, very long and very black finger nails (and yes they are real btw) and has black stars tattooed across her lower back (and another one somewhere else but I, I mean she, doesn’t want to show you that). Do you fall at her feet and beg to be her love slave, or run away?
The one where she can’t escape you
So now it seems that I can’t even escape you by watching some educational programming on the Science Channel. This is what happened:
-Turned on a program about super massive black holes
-This lead to me thinking about Muse’s song of the same name
-This lead to me thinking about the Twilight soundtrack
-This lead to me thinking about the baseball scene (the best!)
-And this all lead me to thinking about you as Edward Cullen in the movie
Damn you Rob!!
“I over analyze everything” (aka Beth)
The one that we hope is not true
I have a problem.
It’s not the fact that I have a picture of you as the background on my phone. It’s not the fact that I have posters of you hanging behind my bedroom door, despite being well over the poster phase. Nor is it the fact that when I get drunk I tell people how much I love you and exactly why. You see, my problem kinda lies with you directly.
The other day I posted via Facebook status update how many days were left until that blessed event known as the New Moon release. Some friends and I were bantering about how you and your maybe-she-is-maybe-she-isn’t girlfriend Kristen were on the cover of every magazine. Just some normal, light banter . . . about you. (Which P.S. I totally came to your defense when one friend suggested that people only thought you were hot because of Twilight. I told her I though you looked pretty eff-able beforehand and were the reason I saw the film in the first place).
But I digress.
You see, it was lovely banter until English Bestie dropped this bombshell: “My friend ______ used to date Rob.” Of course, I immediately hated her and screamed “BITCH!” I mean, what else would I have done?? But it got worse . . . English Bestie proceeded to tell me that her “friend” said that you weren’t in fact the mumbling, modest, gentleman I believe you to be. According to this girl, you were a rude, arrogant arsehole. And you know what? This does not sit well with me.
So I started worrying; what if you really are rude and arrogant and an arsehole? What if you aren’t actually nice at all and your whole demeanor of being a sweet, sensitive gentleman is, in fact, a big fat lie? And since I was so fraught with worry I even tried Googling “Robert Pattinson’s ex girlfriend called _____”. Truth. But alas, nothing came up (that’s what she said) that could assist me in my queries.
And so I had a decision to make:
Believe this girl that “dated” you or stick with my own (and I’m sure many other people’s) version of you?
And I chose to stick with my own belief. I mean, who’s to say this bird’s even telling the truth? So please, I beg you: don’t make me regret my decision of thinking of you as un-rude, un-arrogant and un-arsehole-ish.
Stay nice, stay humble, stay cute and funny.
Many thanks in advance,
The one with Johnny Depp
It’s still pretty early in your career, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that you are the next Johnny Depp. No lie. So please don’t ruin things by knocking up KStew! Yeah she’s pretty and all. And maybe she did dump her boyfriend for you. Which if you think about it, that’s not really too big of a deal. I mean dude was kinda ugly anyways. Especially in comparison to you. Back to the point, everybody wants you two together because you are the living, breathing, human versions of Edward and Bella. Blah blah blah. You guys won’t last though. She’ll be your Winonna Ryder. You’ll get a tattoo of her name, get engaged, then BAM! breakup. Her career will lose pizazz once the steam of your relationship and Twilight dies down. She’ll become a shoplifter. Then one day you’ll meet some French singer and you’ll settle down. You’ll buy an island and a yacht and go into hiding as much as you’d like (omg that is SOO you!). All the while, you’ll have an amazing, eccentric career. Sounds pretty great, right? Congrats in advance for the awesomeness to come for you. Has Johnny Depp won an Oscar? No, I don’t think so. You will though! A Grammy, too. I’m sure. I may not have Alice’s powers, but some things you can just be sure of.
P.S. Make sure to hold off on the settling down for awhile. I need time to (a) learn French (b) move to France and (c) work on my singing!
Thanks to all the awesome letter writers. Do you have an idea for a letter to Rob? Email us!