Weekends are SO fun for us because we get to take a break and feature YOUR letters to Rob. This one is gonna make you want to go back to high school… and get to know your hip teachers!
I have lied for you. OMG even here I can’t be completely honest! Let’s start again – I’m actually lying to your British teenage fans that hound me everyday in the library for any new information about the books/films/YOU from the moment dawn breaks until I can sneak myself out of the building and into my car at 5. It’s very Steve McQueen in the Great Escape.
First it started off with the odd white lie to a fourteen year old girl that was about to cry in front of me when she asked in such an innocent voice – “Will Rob like me? Because I love him”. What would you have me do? Break the girl’s illusion that it was more likely that scientists would actually find concrete evidence of the Loch Ness Monster/ the Abominable Snowman living in a luxury five bedroom house than 1. You ever meeting this girl and 2. That you would become a ‘Jacob’ and imprint yourself onto her. And this is the moment it began. I replied “No petal. I’m sure that he will adore you. You are a very sweet girl.” She brightened up immediately and skipped out of the library to her next class.
Oh, I forgot to clarify that I’m a school librarian which means I am surrounded by emotional hormonal teenage girls and the occasional boy that are obsessed with the Twilight saga. I can hear you cry, “You should be happy that they are reading!” And of course I am! (Again not completely telling the truth –sorry! But after you heard the same lines again and again and again and again and again with the over gushing, well all I’m saying that a bonfire was looking like a pretty good idea). But I prevail with your fans. I even bought the reading posters that you and KStew did as Edward and Bella. My, it looks like you put a lot into that pose…*sniggers quietly*. I had to laminate you to ensure your safety and also because I wasn’t about to fork out £10 every day to keep it in perfect condition. The wall has now become a daily shrine – kids from 12 to 18 stop and stare at your brooding, gorgeous face. I’ve just placed you in the perfect place in the library that when another pupil enters the library the adoring fans are whacked by the door. Its fun! The dazed look of incomprehension to what has just happened to them keeps me happy for the rest of the day.
But I still lie to support your fans needs. I lied to my line manager and to his boss in obtaining nearly all the Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn from all the public libraries in my area by stating that I have started a large reading club and it’s of course themed, this month, vampires. Thankfully neither grown man have children or are aware that there is an outside world. Neither did they know that I placed a request of all fifty three books for six months (a year would be too suspicious). Needless to say that I have very happy library patrons but the burning hate of my fellow librarians for being completely devious. I can also tell you now that the condition of those books will not be the same when they are handed back.
However this good deed backfired on me. I have read the books (ok three of them – the whole Breaking Dawn wasn’t for me) and now the lovely patrons have come in their droves to have daily analyzing sessions. The more they happen the more I see a need for Irishing up my cups of tea if you know what I mean! They ask me if you could be so like Edward in real life – handsome, intelligent, brooding and totally their hero. Their eager faces of hope stare at me and I feel the lies creeping forward once again. Should I really inform them that most of the time you dressed like a homeless person, don’t seemed to be house trained in the basics (for example able to use a washing machine, cook or be able to buy clothes) and camp in hotels to save yourself from the crazy twilighters? No I do not. I say that you are exactly like Edward and that all those photos…well, they were pre-Twilight. I haven’t made you into a mortal man Rob, I have continued to promote your hero-worship.
And I want to apologise. Sorry.
The School Librarian
Do you want to be featured some weekend? Send us your letter!