Posted by: Bekah | October 25, 2009

The Robert Pattinson teacher

Weekends are SO fun for us because we get to take a break and feature YOUR letters to Rob. This one is gonna make you want to go back to high school… and get to know your hip teachers!

I know, you play librarian....

I know, you play librarian....

Dear Rob

I have lied for you. OMG even here I can’t be completely honest! Let’s start again – I’m actually lying to your British teenage fans that hound me everyday in the library for any new information about the books/films/YOU from the moment dawn breaks until I can sneak myself out of the building and into my car at 5. It’s very Steve McQueen in the Great Escape.

First it started off with the odd white lie to a fourteen year old girl that was about to cry in front of me when she asked in such an innocent voice – “Will Rob like me? Because I love him”. What would you have me do? Break the girl’s illusion that it was more likely that scientists would actually find concrete evidence of the Loch Ness Monster/ the Abominable Snowman living in a luxury five bedroom house than 1. You ever meeting this girl and 2. That you would become a ‘Jacob’ and imprint yourself onto her. And this is the moment it began. I replied “No petal. I’m sure that he will adore you. You are a very sweet girl.” She brightened up immediately and skipped out of the library to her next class.

Oh, I forgot to clarify that I’m a school librarian which means I am surrounded by emotional hormonal teenage girls and the occasional boy that are obsessed with the Twilight saga. I can hear you cry, “You should be happy that they are reading!” And of course I am! (Again not completely telling the truth –sorry! But after you heard the same lines again and again and again and again and again with the over gushing, well all I’m saying that a bonfire was looking like a pretty good idea). But I prevail with your fans. I even bought the reading posters that you and KStew did as Edward and Bella. My, it looks like you put a lot into that pose…*sniggers quietly*. I had to laminate you to ensure your safety and also because I wasn’t about to fork out £10 every day to keep it in perfect condition. The wall has now become a daily shrine – kids from 12 to 18 stop and stare at your brooding, gorgeous face. I’ve just placed you in the perfect place in the library that when another pupil enters the library the adoring fans are whacked by the door. Its fun! The dazed look of incomprehension to what has just happened to them keeps me happy for the rest of the day.

But I still lie to support your fans needs. I lied to my line manager and to his boss in obtaining nearly all the Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn from all the public libraries in my area by stating that I have started a large reading club and it’s of course themed, this month, vampires. Thankfully neither grown man have children or are aware that there is an outside world. Neither did they know that I placed a request of all fifty three books for six months (a year would be too suspicious). Needless to say that I have very happy library patrons but the burning hate of my fellow librarians for being completely devious. I can also tell you now that the condition of those books will not be the same when they are handed back.

How could you question whether or not I'm like Edward?

How could you question whether or not I'm like Edward?

However this good deed backfired on me. I have read the books (ok three of them – the whole Breaking Dawn wasn’t for me) and now the lovely patrons have come in their droves to have daily analyzing sessions. The more they happen the more I see a need for Irishing up my cups of tea if you know what I mean! They ask me if you could be so like Edward in real life – handsome, intelligent, brooding and totally their hero. Their eager faces of hope stare at me and I feel the lies creeping forward once again. Should I really inform them that most of the time you dressed like a homeless person, don’t seemed to be house trained in the basics (for example able to use a washing machine, cook or be able to buy clothes) and camp in hotels to save yourself from the crazy twilighters? No I do not. I say that you are exactly like Edward and that all those photos…well, they were pre-Twilight. I haven’t made you into a mortal man Rob, I have continued to promote your hero-worship.

And I want to apologise. Sorry.

The School Librarian

Um….best.teacher.ever

Complain about the crap you had to read when you were in school on The Forum (Move over Steinbeck, give me Meyers)
Celebrate BILLY BURKE on LTT

Do you want to be featured some weekend? Send us your letter!

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Responses

  1. I’ve just placed you in the perfect place in the library that when another pupil enters the library the adoring fans are whacked by the door. Its fun!

    I love this when can we meet and have coffee?
    The idea of the twi-tweenies being whacked is glorious I bet Rob will love it too……..
    And to add to this I’m postitive Rob has a librarian fantasy or two that you could ‘help’ out with? if not I wear glasses and am very good at role play………

    • “I’ve just placed you in the perfect place in the library that when another pupil enters the library the adoring fans are whacked by the door. Its fun!”

      yes! And it will be better after you Irish up your tea!

      Awesome letter…

      • Did you know I live in Ireland?
        They use ANY excuse to Irish up any drink any time……….

  2. To the 14 yr old girl who was about to cry – toughen up. the rest of the rob fandom doesnt tolerate weaklings.

  3. Hilarious UC, Thank you so much for this letter, I can totally understand your feelings!

    “Their eager faces of hope…” so funny, I am a teacher of literature, I read the book with a class of teenage girls and from now on they were in love with Edward.

    I think their hearts would broken, if I would tell them the TRUTH, Edward is NOT Rob! So I had to lie too…

    One positive aspect…I made them hang up a lot of good posters of Rob, not Edward, but they didn’t get it…lol

    so every day I CAN look at the TRUTH….hahaha

  4. “Break the girl’s illusion that it was more likely that scientists would actually find concrete evidence of the Loch Ness Monster/ the Abominable Snowman living in a luxury five bedroom house than 1. You ever meeting this girl and 2. That you would become a ‘Jacob’ and imprint yourself onto her.”

    Sorry to copy and paste such a huge piece of the letter, but this was hilarious!! Love you School Librarian!!

    P.S.- Rob needs to wear glasses more often.

  5. I ❤ You. Librarians rock.

    "Should I really inform them that most of the time you dressed like a homeless person, don’t seemed to be house trained in the basics (for example able to use a washing machine, cook or be able to buy clothes) and camp in hotels to save yourself from the crazy twilighters?"

    Probably.

    Oh and I love the photo shopped glasses.

    Imagining Rob in a library on a Sunday morning is a form of worship I can get behind! (thatswhatshesaid). Off to church, loves! 😉

  6. So, I thought I already posted a comment and now there will probably be two. Then I will look like an idiot. Sorry.

    But I am so distracted by the thought of Rob in a library, I can hardly focus.

    I ❤ you, school librarian. Librarians are like the rock stars of a school. 😉

    Sunday morning thoughts of Rob in a library have me all flustered. ARGH! I thought I was starting to get over this.

  7. Rob the librarian – so obvious, why didn’t we see it before?

    And can ANYONE tell me WTF that thing on his head is?

    Is it his mum’s old tights?

    Or is it a velvet alice band with a huge bow on top?

    Surely he was wearing that as a joke?

    As for the 14 year old, I’m with Vi; she needs to grow a pair.

    • At first I considered Mickey Mouse ears that were way too small for his head, but after some intense analysis, I’ve concluded that it’s definitely a furry headband with ears of some sort.

      As for it being a joke? I don’t know. But it raised this concerning question for me: How much do we REALLY know about Rob? He could be a furry for all we know…

    • It’s a Playboy bunny ( Bunny! ) thingy on his head. Only the ears have fallen down.
      It’s Rob the playmate of the century, the perfect opposite to Rob the librarian.
      And we love both of them: Rob reading Icelandic classics while dancing around the pole.

  8. I have a student furnished Taycob poster on my chalkboard. I took the liberty to give him a thought bubble so he can send messages to my kids.Yep I’m the most NORMAL teacher, EVER.

  9. This letter is one of my favorites, ever. All the subversive behavior is really right up my alley, because I know if you were backed into a corner about any of it, you would pull a great innocent face with a “What, who me?” I know, I perfected that move…

    You are the best librarian in the world, and I’ll Irish up my tea with you anyday! Thatswhatshesaid….

  10. Sounds awfully like my english teacher,
    she LOVES twilight!
    Now at my school liking Twilight is “embarassing” so it has to be kept underwraps so when she told us about her favourite book being Twilight I had to keep very quiet while a few close friends stared at me waiting for my confession.
    If only my library had such posters…
    X

  11. Awww, school librarian, you’re the best!!! I loved your letter! You’re the coolest librarian EVER.

    Great job!

  12. I love when Rob’s cheeks are all pinky flushed like that.
    He looks so sweet and tipsy!!

    Le Sigh

  13. Ahh School Librarian I applaud you! Foster hope in the young malleable minds of the schoolchildren, whilst trying to bash some sense into them (nice use of the library door as a prop btw) at the same time. 😉

    Ahh Robert vs. Edward – might almost prefer Rob’s hobolicious clothing tendencies to Edward’s chino and sleevless shirt combos that SM seems so fond of O_o

    Look forward to hearing more from your Library, sounds like a fascinating social study in the making! LOL – complete with Big Brother voiceovers:… “Day Fifty Six in the Library and the classmates are beginning to show signs of cabin fever….”

    Hehehe, thanks for the letter!

  14. Awesome school librarian!

  15. The librarian at the school my niece and nephew attend is “Mrs. Cullen” – true story! My sister can barely keep a straight face in her presence. : )

  16. Dear School Librarian,

    I wish u would have replaced the crotchety old bag who used to think “Harry Potter”was an abomination against God and humanity in my school….
    i think it was God who pushed her down the stairs….
    U R AWESOME!

  17. Whenever I see the second picture, I see this:

    http://roflrazzi.com/2009/10/06/celebrity-pictures-robert-pattinson-disney-princess/

    Genius

  18. Love this letter and I will be laughing at the image of the dazed look of incomprehension on the faces of the teens getting hit by the door for the rest of the day!

  19. Whaza whazzat? I wish Robert was a teacher allright with those smecksy glasses. I would hire him as my “personal tutor” in body functions class. (wink wink) Then I could pay him in bum clothes I bought from GoodWill. The tutoring session would end with a very serious topic on the bouffant and how it was styled, very tedious work.


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