Posted by: Bekah | October 23, 2009

Another letter for Rob’s mum

Now THATs a Cullen Smile!

Now THAT's a Cullen Smile!

Dear Clare Pattinson,

I recently read an interview your son did where he said some things about you, and I thought, “UC- why haven’t you been keeping in touch with Rob’s mom?” Cause everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through the purchase of boxes upon boxes of hot pockets his mama. So here I am, begging for your forgiveness. I know we really hit it off after my first letter to you back in February. I know it was hard to hear, but I can tell you appreciated my honesty. I mean, it’s not every day that upon your first meeting of a friend of Rob’s, you hear “I want to bang your son.” You gotta admit- I’m not lacking in my shock value. We’ll get back to that, though. Back to this interview Rob did. He was talking about all the gossip printed about him and said,

“I don’t really care. Everybody in my life knows what’s real and what isn’t. Apart from my mother, who seems to believe every negative thing that’s written about me! She’s like, “I can’t believe you did this!” I’m like, “I didn’t!” And she’s like, “Yes, you did, I know you did!” It was about swearing! I said, “I wasn’t even in the city” and she was, “I bet you did say that!” She’ll literally believe a gossip magazine over her own son.””

A fort is the only place he can go to escape the mullet

A fort is the only place he can go to escape the mullet

Clare, we’re SOOO alike! When I’m at the grocery store waiting to purchase 2 items and get in the longest line behind that woman with 2 full carts plus one of those kiddie carts that her triplets are fighting over purposefully so that I can catch up on my gossip magazine reading, I get so pissed! I can’t believe what I’m reading! Not to mention SHE’S plastered on the cover of every magazine next to him staring up a him like a lost puppy. Remind me- we must discuss that mullet disaster. I can’t imagine how much you cringed when you first saw it (and every time since). You were a MODEL scout! And she’s hitting on YOUR SON! I can just imagine the conversation you had with Robbie when you saw that OK Magazine headline last week. I bet it was sooo similar to the conversation I had in my head with him. You probably called him immediately and said “OUR home? Are you KIDDING me, Robert Thomas Pattinson? You haven’t even invited ME to Vancouver in the past six months and suddenly you’re making a home with this girl? Let me guess, she cleans up after you and heats up your hot pockets.  Cause I know there’s no way your rear-end, incapable as it is of picking up the dirty socks that have been on your bedroom floor since you last spent a significant time in London at the end of 2007, is doing any cooking & cleaning. God forbid, Robert, if I show up tomorrow in your hotel room and it doesn’t so much as have ONE sock on the floor, I’m giving you up for adoption. I didn’t raise a boy for 23 years and pray daily that he would surprise me just ONCE with a visible bedroom floor to find out he’s cooking and cleaning for an AMERICAN with a mullet.” I know, Clare… I know….

I am happy to report that in this case, Rob really was telling the truth. He never spoke to OK Magazine. Long story, but Moon submitted some Robsten Fanfiction for this contest and- oh, what? You read it? Wait you….. read fanfiction? Wow…. we have more in common than I realized….What do you think of the Beautiful Bastard….? Is he like Dick at all?

Just say no to the Gap Christmas special from 2004

Just say no to the Gap Christmas special from 2004

So since I’m like a cyber stalker blogger, I’m kinda privied to what your son has been up to. And while he seems to be in seclusion, I’m happy to report he’s been keeping busy by: coming up with new lesson plans for the anatomy class he agreed to teach at Robert Pattinson University; responding very sincerely to his fanmail; perfecting his hot pocket fort (did he tell you he’s up to 300 boxes now? He’s gonna cry like a baby when Kristen gets bored some day and pushes it over); he’s been more influential than 5 other guys and I think that maybe he’s gotten the hint that we’re tired of seeing him in the same old outfit and has been thinking of trying out something new. Although Kristen’s been seen with knitting needles and from what you and I know of the “blue sweater disaster of ’04 , ’05, ’06, ’07, ’08 and ’09,” knit doesn’t look so hot on Robbie (Seriously, burn that thing next time you see it on top of the layer of dirty socks on his floor)

Okay, I’m stalling. I know you’re dying to know. It’s been 8 months since we last spoke and I first confessed to you my feelings. So much has changed. The world is a different place, people aren’t who they said they were or who you thought they would be. So here I go: Do I still wanna bang your son?
Ab-so-fucking-lutely.

Wave to me from the red carpet in November! I’ll be the one wearing a home-made fort,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks to Beeks for letting me steal your grocery line idea
Thanks to Adrienne for capturing Action Figure Edward in his fort
Rob Interview with Total Film

Invite Clare to The Forum
and then head on over to LTT

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Responses

  1. UC brought the fuck back!! This excites me greatly. Especially since it was in the style of Mr. Big (and a sentiment I 100% concur with).

    So, Clare looks totally cute. She has a great smile. We’d get along smashingly, I just know it.

    Oh, and you know Dick is just like the BB. Where do you think Rob gets it from?

    • Yay, ‘fuck!’ You must have read my comment on LTT yesterday, UC…or is this Bunny?

      • That WAS UC… Bunny is happily married and cable knit sweaters are a deal-breaker for her 🙂

    • haha you said “UC Brought the fuck back.” That’s like bringing the “Funk” back.. which I also did last night…

  2. When you guys talked about the Hot Pocket boxes, I thought you meant the little sleeves with the microwave enhancing silver stuff on the inside. I stayed out of the fort conversation because I could not imagine the sleeves would be architecturally sound. I’m glad you included a visual of the HP fort today so I wouldn’t continue to walk around doubting its possibility.

    • haha….. I’m so glad you’re now a believer!

      • Speaking of Hot Pockets, I hope to see you on the red carpet! I’ll be the one wearing the human-sized Hot Pocket box, holding the sign that says “Eat Me.”

      • Brilliant as always. Thank you.

      • The pic of pocket Edward sheltered in his Hot Pocket fort almost made me pee my pants. Regarding the Hot Pocket sleeves, now those could make for some awesome accessories to an outfit…..if you have really small wrists…. 😉

  3. “I didn’t raise a boy for 23 years and pray daily that he would surprise me just ONCE with a visible bedroom floor to find out he’s cooking and cleaning for an AMERICAN with a mullet.”

    If KStew has Rob cooking and cleaning for her, I will be in love with her. Forget the mullet. I just love chicks who say “Eff you!” to society’s expectations and “let” her lover do the housework. Mostly because that is what I do, and I have yet to find someone who is awesome like me.

    So, KStew. Fake lesbians?

    • god i wish i could do that! if i didn’t do it, the shit wouldn’t get done though. 😦
      how do you get mr. fangbanger to step up?

      • I hate to cook. He hates to listen to me whine about cooking.

        I hate to clean. He hates to listen to me whine about cleaning.

        We got a beautiful thing going on.

        Plus he enjoys cooking. It is odd, him being a parts salesman and all that jazz, but he reads cookbooks for fun sometimes. He won’t read anything else unless a car is on the cover. I think he just really likes to eat good food and since I would have mac & cheese on the menu every night, he thinks it is his duty to cook interesting things. 😀

    • I hate the society’s rules too that is placed on us but lucky for Mr. Southernbelle, I do love to cook and do over domestic things. My friends actually call me “domestic goddess.” I’m the one people go to to ask questions on recipes, organizing, parenting, etc. I am like Donna Reed with a laptop :-).

      That’s good your SO does all that though!!! You’re lucky too! I told my hubby that if we have a son, I will make sure he knows how to cook, sew, iron, clean, do grocery shopping and such.

      • Ha! “Domestic Goddess”

        If anyone said that to me, I would have to slap them!

        😉

        • I should change my screen name here to Domestic goddess :-).

          • I’m with you BOTH! We usually split cooking duties, but I am the primary house cleaner. The Man handles the few sewing duties since he took Home Ec (easy “A”) while I was flying my freak flag in apeech & Drama.

            Neither biological clock has ticked yet, but I fully expect that if we one day spawn, we will take a full co-parenting approach. Mostly because I have the backbone and he has the patience.

          • That would be “Speech and Drama.” Ungh.

        • oh honey, not everyone can have their SO make them dinner and breakfast, mine only does that when he expect a lil sumpin’ sumpin’,
          so I am at home, the Domestic Goddess…. or perhaps it’s a little closer to indentured servant. Once I do my time and raise the young’ns, I figure my shit is paid, I freakn quit

      • Et tu, Nigella L.?

  4. “…since you last spent a significant time in London at the end of 2007.” – it’s funny because it’s true, and we all KNOW it’s true because we stalk Rob to within an inch of his life.

    • i know. i didn’t even have to research that. i just knew

      • Significant being the key word…remember the great disappearing act of late 2008? We assume he was in London…a couple of pics with some fangirl in a synthetic bobcat coat confirmed he was there for a day or two then someone saw him “making out” on the tube but we don’t know if he was there long enough to leave socks or not. Why do we know these things UC? Why?

        • I think, that some people (myself and myself) would say, that we are a crowd of very intelligent girls, very up to the moment and well informed of important things…:-)……
          other people (the rest of the world) would say that we are high qualified STALKERS….ooooohhhhhhnoooooooo!

  5. Dear Clare,

    As a mother of 2 youngs boys, I feel your pain. It must be awful to put in that much time and effort in raising your child, just to have him wind up banging a mullet and trash-talking you in interviews. The nerve!

    He needs a good spanking. Why don’t you give me the name of the hotel he’s staying in and his room number and I’ll fly on over there to deliver that spanking. Since I’m closer, you know.

    Thanks!

    • LMAO!

    • “That’s…so thoughtful….Really throughtful.”

      • Great use of twilogue!

      • Yes, I am thoughtful, aren’t I 🙂

        When I see another mom in need of help, I like to lend a hand (so to speak).

    • hahahahahhahah! awesome!

    • hahah, yeah he deserves a really good spanking! Make sure you do it in from of Kstew!

  6. Rob has the Midas touch. Not only is it boosting his army of friends’ careers, his mother is the daily feature of the most popular blog [about her boy] on the whole freakin’ Internet!
    She’s waking Dick right now with, “Honey, come quick! Those adorable American girls are writing about me again! If Robbie would bring a lovely Yank like them it’d be so much better than that wanker he’s with.”
    Hi Clare! We love you for giving birth to the loveliest man on earth! Thanks for going the distance and not stopping with 2 girls.

    • ‘She’s waking Dick right now with, “Honey, come quick!:’

      Everybody say it with me now…”That’s what she said!”

      • That’s what she said!

      • That’s what She said.. I was just going to write it. but you beat me to it.

        I feel like a proud mama…. I’ve taught you well!

      • I think I shall use the term “waking Dick” as a new slang term.

        LOVE IT!

      • That’s what she said!!!

    • You said “Waking Dick” and “Wanker” in the SAME post! Awesome!!

  7. “Misty water-colored memories…of the way we were…”

    Aww, good times. Your first letter to Clare was–and still is–my very favorite post. It’s what made me love y’all, and admit to my Solid Sender sex playlist.

    Ahem.

    Alas, I don’t want to bang the youngest of her loins. Rather, I’d much prefer to sit with him & discuss music, literature, French films of the late 50’s & early 60’s, and what he’s dressing as for Halloween, over good coffee and Virginia Slims Menthol Ultra Lights. And see the expression on his face when he’s offered a Virginia Slim Menthol Ultra Light.

    Le sigh…

    “Can it be…that it was all so simple then?
    Or has time rewritten every line?
    If we had the chance to do it all again…
    tell me, could we? Would we?”

    p.s. You KNOW Barbra Striesand loves her some Robert Pattinson.

    • ah yes…. the solid sender memories….!

    • You are awesome

  8. “What do you think of the Beautiful Bastard….? Is he like Dick at all?” OMG… that is one thing I don’t want to know UC!!!

    • Hell! I do!!

      I love me some Silver Fox!!

  9. You do realise that there are going to be soooooo many girls turn up at the premiere wearing a home made fort now. (Because we know both Claire AND Rob read LTR, right?) Sterling letter UC, everyone at that premiere will want to get on the UC wagon! LMAO!

    • Maybe we should make some Hot Pocket Pants!
      Hey! Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers made pants from all sorts of stuff (my fav- Snoopys)!!!

    • i would so wear a home-made fort.. seriously.. PattinsonPants, hell no, but a fort with a big sign that says “Come play with me in my fort, Rob Pattinson” hell yes

      • do it! you have to! i will be looking for it when I’m at the premiere! yes, i plan on winning at least one of the 50 contests i’ve entered for two free tickets!! 🙂

  10. Great letter to Claire once again!

    I love your little dialogue, where she calls Rob “Robert Thomas Pattinson”….I can really immagine the voice, because this thing MY mother makes literally every once she is angry with me…..lol

    • Oh so sorry Clare, I wrote your name a la francaise…. That could only happen while I’m thinking every moment of your beautiful sun……with bare feet…..without having one more pair of socks………still sexy…hmmm!

      • OMG I think today I cannot type correctly…” beautiful son” instead of “sun”, although for me it’s rather the same…:-)

        • Seeing as the entire world revolves around Rob now (well, the TWIworld, that is), I don’t think the use of “sun” was bad at all. 🙂

    • do you like how i also threw in “rear-end” instead of butt or ass? that’s soooo something my mom used to say!

      • Absolutely, they say “rear-end”, although they are THINKING “ass/butt”, but that are still mums, so they don’t admit! NEVER! hahaha

        They want our best….blablabla…

      • When talking to my kids I say “bottom”. I’m such a dorkmom.

  11. He could keep the blue sweater on and I’d still do him behind the Hot Pocket fort. Sorry Clare.

    • Sweater, what sweater? Would it really matter what he’s wearing? He could be wearing a pink tutu and I’d still do him. It’s not like he’d be wearing it for long.

      On the fort, in the fort, behind the fort location is not an issue.

      Sorry Clare, but your son brings out the “bad girl” in me.

    • Dear rob thomas are you a songer what is your Email mail addressa
      from darla

  12. Aww.. How sweet of you to write to Rob’s mom. I think she needed this since obviously Dick and Clare are in mourning over their son choice of a chick. I bet the mullet was NOT what Dick had in mind when he decided to pimp him out to the girls in drama school. Yeah.. And please. Swearing was so not the issue of his mom’s outburst.
    They must be texting him daily: Son, there are other fish in the sea.

  13. The Hot Pocket fort picture is amazing!! The fact that Little E has to duck his head to fit makes it that much more hilarious.

    • Pocket Edward is back!! I was wondering about him yesterday and now he’s back and hiding in a fort to scape the mullet!!! got to love PE!!!

    • I so want a pocket edward lol! and on a side note way to pick the best flavor of hot pockets ever!

    • hahaha! The ducked head makes it more realistic. We know all 6 ft 2 of Rob would be squatting in his own fort.

      The picture is a definite win.

  14. LMAO! You rock, seriously! Poor Clare. I wonder what she really thinks of all of us. All I can say is thank you for your BB

    • I think she thinks:

      1. Who has written this nice letter? after all that crap, I feel better!
      2. This obviously nicegirl (UC) has many important experiences, she knows the feelings of a mother!
      3. But…..why she wants to b**g MY son? (as Clare I cannot type the word…)
      4. Oh, this girl seems to be a little crazy!! …. Dick, please come over here for a moment….
      5. OMG I have to call Robert again, what these people are talking about?

  15. “So here I go: Do I still wanna bang your son?
    Ab-so-fucking-lutely.”

    Enough said Mr Big ; )

    x

    • I love big..!

      • That’s what she said!

  16. Even Clare would rather see Rob with TomStu than with KStew.

  17. Don’t be scared…I’m not “that” Mrs. P…

    I love you guys and I love you’re Brilliant ideas for posts…I can’t start my day without seeing what you have written.

    I’m still picturing you wearing the home-made fort…LOLOL!!!

  18. So here I go: Do I still wanna bang your son?
    Ab-so-fucking-lutely.

    I’m ashamed to say it but yes, me too. This is why I must continue to be anonymous :-).

  19. Srsly, this is the BEST LETTER EVER, I’m in tears. XD

  20. A letter to Clare. UC, you are so sweet!!

    As a mother it is always nice to hear what others think of my son. Especially when it is highly positive. I’m sure Clare is the exact same way!!!

    Every mothers dream is to know that their son is uber-fuckable.

    You made her day.

  21. Not to step on your toes and tell you how to write a letter to your future mother-in-law or anything, but…

    With the inclusion of a simple P.S. to this email, you could truly settle the “is Rob cut or uncut” debate once and for all.

    What? That’s not “appropriate” or “classy”? Oh, you have no qualms about telling her you’d eff him but you won’t ask him if he’s rocking a turtleneck in his nether regions? Fine, guess I’ll just have to write my own creepy letter.

    • Hahahahaha, hilarious, I think you are a very shy person, ist that true honey?

      By the way, I guess he isn’t cut, he is catholic, so in Europe nobody does it, eccept for medical reasons…., or for religion (moslem, jewish)

      But why is this important? As a german girl, I really don’t get it, PLEASE explain…lol

      • I could be wrong but I think most American girls like the “uncut” version!

        Someone correct me if I’m wrong! Haha.

        • okaaayyy, but why are all/many americans cut??? excusez-moi, this is an important anatomy-culture-thing-question….we have to add it to the course of Rob-school…

          • I think it’s because the boys get circumsized soon after birth and have no say in the matter. 🙂

          • BTW not all are cut. My hubby’s is intact! 🙂

          • Originally it was for cleanlieness purposes. It’s not really an issue these days but parents just do it so their kid isn’t “weird.” Although I did learn the word “schmegma” in my research. EW!

        • I, for one, would not know.;). Although it is intriguing.

    • Please get on it with the creepy letter. I’m dying to know so I can adjust my fantasies accordingly. Although I suspect uncut, as that apparently is the norm in Europe.

      • Funny thing is… I don’t even care. I just love that people’s minds even go there. But I’m willing to sell myself out and show my true creepy colors just to get the answer for the ladies that do. I’m a regular team player. A regular creepyass team player.

        • Two things:

          1. I was always under the impression that women preferred “cut.” Or maybe that’s just me. And maybe it’s just me b/c I don’t have a point of reference.

          2. “Turtleneck.” Love it. How ’bout “flesh mullet.”

          3. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

          • I love “Turtleneck” too, for me as a foreigner it sounds so WARM…., “flesh mullet” is a bit scary for me..

          • “I love turtleneck.”

            Hahaha, now that’s a good comparison! 🙂

          • flesh mullet!!! so wrong! So funny!

    • haha i love you. he’s totally uncut. i don’t even need to ask mama p

      • I gave you a thumbs up simply because you said you loved me. I’m easy.

        P.S. you’re totally right.

  22. I think your first letter to Clare was one of the first posts I read here, and I was hooked! (obvs) Still a classic.

    I get behind that same woman with the triplets (on purpose) to catch up on my reading.

    That photo of the Hot Pocket Fort totally rules, btw.

  23. To be a fly on the wall at Rob’s parents house. What they must hear. What they have seen! What they know!

    Memo to self: befriend Rob’s family STAT to get the goods on their son/brother/nephew.

    😉

  24. Thank you. Am having a totally sh** day at work. Really don’t want to be here. And then I get to read your brilliant letter to Clare, all the hysterical comments from the geniuses that are LTR readers/commenters; and life is worth living again. Love you all so much for saving my sanity xxx

  25. I bet Kstew definitely heat up her hot pocket for rob. He loves her hot pocket, that’s half the problem right there. Agreed, she looks at him like a love sick puppy…it’s disturbing

  26. “A fort is the only place he can go to escape the mullet”

    LOL! I wonder what Clare would think if she knew what her son wanted in the crease of his arm to lick all day. Hmmmm? LOL!

  27. Time out! When did they start making cheeseburger Hot Pockets?!

    • you know what? i never bought a Hot Pocket in my life…so that was kind of embarrassing…i thought the whole store knew why i was buying it because i’m paranoid…but when i saw Cheeseburger Hot Pockets i knew that i was called to buy them but some higher power…Pocket Edward needs a home where the mullet can never go.

      • whoops i mean “by” some higher power

  28. I just bought the hubby some Hot Pockets last night. He said, “I haven’t had these in a long time.” I didn’t tell him that it is just one step in my transforming him into Rob. Next step, sex hair. Then after that we are going to have sex like BB and BB in our Hot Pocket fort.

    • Hahahaha, so funny,
      I’m already some steps further…hot pockets, Heineken (late 90ties beer), plaids, sex hair, no shave anymore anywhere, jeans/black trousers, Doc Martens, trust me , it works…
      As a result, a teacher collegue of mine asked me three weeks ago…”I don’t know, but why your bf looks a bit “dirty and sexy” since a while ago???”

      It’s a very good thing in the world that men generally are not as clever as women, doing this transforming-hiding-thing!

      For my man it’s alright, he likes beer and junk food a lot, loves (dirty) clothes, plaids and He is lazy……but I TOLD HIM NOTHING…lol

  29. Can someone point me to the instructions on how to customize teh avatar? I know I’ve seen it somewhere, but am fail at finding it.

    • me too thank you

      • Gravitar. You can google it.

        • Now with more cowbell!

          • Shiz. I’m not doing this right. By the power of Greyskull, I do not have the power. Yet.

          • Victory is MINE!!!!!!!!!!

  30. I love it when UC cusses, esp in a letter to Clare.

    PS Freya, did I spell “cusses” right?

  31. Here it’s almost evening, strange thing this time zone…

    Back to the letter, I have to say again, that I really LOVE your blog. You are on the other end of the world, but I feel very connected and…….

    I am in love with Rob but I am also in Love with you…hugs and stuff ❤

    Honestly, I guess, Rob loves your posts too…hahaha, it's very british here!

    • yay! new friend on the other end of the world
      MWAH

  32. Oh, Clare, have no fear…
    That article that OK! published based on the fanfic said that the mullet and your handsome prince of a son were “Like an old married couple.”
    Now I’m sure that you and Dick don’t have this problem, but in America, that translates into:
    “We don’t have sex.”
    See? Nothing to worry about!

    • that makes me feel better!

  33. […] Another letter for Rob’s mum « Letters to Rob letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/10/23/another-letter-for-robs-mum – view page – cached I recently read an interview your son did where he said some things about you, and I thought, “UC- why haven’t you been keeping in touch with Rob’s mom?” Cause everyone knows the way to a… (Read more)I recently read an interview your son did where he said some things about you, and I thought, “UC- why haven’t you been keeping in touch with Rob’s mom?” Cause everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through the purchase of boxes upon boxes of hot pockets his mama. So here I am, begging for your forgiveness. I know we really hit it off after my first letter to you back in February. I know it was hard to hear, but I can tell you appreciated my honesty. I mean, it’s not every day that upon your first meeting of a friend of Rob’s, you hear “I want to bang your son.” You gotta admit- I’m not lacking in my shock value. We’ll get back to that, though. Back to this interview Rob did. He was talking about all the gossip printed about him and (Read less) — From the page […]

  34. :-/ Poor guy doesn’t even fit in his own fort aka hotpocket box….

    • ps. *knows how that feels* *feet hanging off the end*

      • pps. (I swear this will be my last) I dont know what it is…. but imagining Rob eating a hotpocket he nuked himself in his new shiny microwave is sooo cute it wets my panties. 🙂

        annnnnnnd done.

  35. Please, please, PLEASE, someone, ANYONE, wear a Hot Pocket Fort. And send a picture.

    Along the lines of the Pattinson Pants and “Honeymoon Bella” (really disturbing picture I saw, a girl at a convention, bedsheets, fathers, bruises, really disturbing, you can google it), what would be other premiere-worthy outfits/secondhandshamecostumes?

    • Oh my God, I did just Google it and got an adrenaline rush! How nuts is that? Crazy idea for a costume although only Twihards would get it!

  36. the fort picture gives me a cullen smile 😀

  37. Hot Pocket box fort…I love you guys!!! 😀

  38. avatar test

  39. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by letter2twilight: Today I’m getting reacquainted with Clare Pattinson http://twurl.nl/otish8

  40. have to start collecting Hot Pocket boxes for my dress

  41. I almost killed myself when you asked her if Dick was like that. TMI for me to handle!


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