Dear Clare Pattinson,
I recently read an interview your son did where he said some things about you, and I thought, “UC- why haven’t you been keeping in touch with Rob’s mom?” Cause everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through the purchase of boxes upon boxes of hot pockets his mama. So here I am, begging for your forgiveness. I know we really hit it off after my first letter to you back in February. I know it was hard to hear, but I can tell you appreciated my honesty. I mean, it’s not every day that upon your first meeting of a friend of Rob’s, you hear “I want to bang your son.” You gotta admit- I’m not lacking in my shock value. We’ll get back to that, though. Back to this interview Rob did. He was talking about all the gossip printed about him and said,
“I don’t really care. Everybody in my life knows what’s real and what isn’t. Apart from my mother, who seems to believe every negative thing that’s written about me! She’s like, “I can’t believe you did this!” I’m like, “I didn’t!” And she’s like, “Yes, you did, I know you did!” It was about swearing! I said, “I wasn’t even in the city” and she was, “I bet you did say that!” She’ll literally believe a gossip magazine over her own son.””
Clare, we’re SOOO alike! When I’m at the grocery store waiting to purchase 2 items and get in the longest line behind that woman with 2 full carts plus one of those kiddie carts that her triplets are fighting over purposefully so that I can catch up on my gossip magazine reading, I get so pissed! I can’t believe what I’m reading! Not to mention SHE’S plastered on the cover of every magazine next to him staring up a him like a lost puppy. Remind me- we must discuss that mullet disaster. I can’t imagine how much you cringed when you first saw it (and every time since). You were a MODEL scout! And she’s hitting on YOUR SON! I can just imagine the conversation you had with Robbie when you saw that OK Magazine headline last week. I bet it was sooo similar to the conversation I had in my head with him. You probably called him immediately and said “OUR home? Are you KIDDING me, Robert Thomas Pattinson? You haven’t even invited ME to Vancouver in the past six months and suddenly you’re making a home with this girl? Let me guess, she cleans up after you and heats up your hot pockets. Cause I know there’s no way your rear-end, incapable as it is of picking up the dirty socks that have been on your bedroom floor since you last spent a significant time in London at the end of 2007, is doing any cooking & cleaning. God forbid, Robert, if I show up tomorrow in your hotel room and it doesn’t so much as have ONE sock on the floor, I’m giving you up for adoption. I didn’t raise a boy for 23 years and pray daily that he would surprise me just ONCE with a visible bedroom floor to find out he’s cooking and cleaning for an AMERICAN with a mullet.” I know, Clare… I know….
I am happy to report that in this case, Rob really was telling the truth. He never spoke to OK Magazine. Long story, but Moon submitted some Robsten Fanfiction for this contest and- oh, what? You read it? Wait you….. read fanfiction? Wow…. we have more in common than I realized….What do you think of the Beautiful Bastard….? Is he like Dick at all?
So since I’m like a cyber stalker blogger, I’m kinda privied to what your son has been up to. And while he seems to be in seclusion, I’m happy to report he’s been keeping busy by: coming up with new lesson plans for the anatomy class he agreed to teach at Robert Pattinson University; responding very sincerely to his fanmail; perfecting his hot pocket fort (did he tell you he’s up to 300 boxes now? He’s gonna cry like a baby when Kristen gets bored some day and pushes it over); he’s been more influential than 5 other guys and I think that maybe he’s gotten the hint that we’re tired of seeing him in the same old outfit and has been thinking of trying out something new. Although Kristen’s been seen with knitting needles and from what you and I know of the “blue sweater disaster of ’04 , ’05, ’06, ’07, ’08 and ’09,” knit doesn’t look so hot on Robbie (Seriously, burn that thing next time you see it on top of the layer of dirty socks on his floor)
Okay, I’m stalling. I know you’re dying to know. It’s been 8 months since we last spoke and I first confessed to you my feelings. So much has changed. The world is a different place, people aren’t who they said they were or who you thought they would be. So here I go: Do I still wanna bang your son?
Wave to me from the red carpet in November! I’ll be the one wearing a home-made fort,
Thanks to Beeks for letting me steal your grocery line idea
Thanks to Adrienne for capturing Action Figure Edward in his fort
Rob Interview with Total Film