Posted by: themoonisdown | October 13, 2009

Rob Pattinson’s the new Johnny Depp?

A combination of the perfect man?!

A combination of the perfect man?!

Dear Rob,

The cute and somewhat delusional folks over at People Magazine are calling you “the new Johnny Depp.” Um, where’d the old one go? Last time I saw him (at ComicCon) he looked pretty darn good to me. Here’s what they say…

Johnny Depp made girls swoon on 21 Jump Street, but the actor went on to downplay his pretty boy looks by taking on chameleon-like roles, including playing a suburban curiosity in Edward Scissorhands and a transvestite director in Ed Wood.

Like Depp, Robert Pattinson has sharp cheekbones, that hair and a blockbuster movie franchise in Twilight. While the British actor has gained mass appeal playing brooding vampire Edward Cullen, he continues to go against type with quirky indies like How to Be and the Salvador Dalí biopic Little Ashes.

(How to Be and Little Ashes? Seriously? Rob, we need some new material to talk about here. Help us out!)

And of course I wondered what if you were indeed the new Johnny Depp, what would that be like? And furthermore, what would Johnny’s movies be like if YOU had played the roles and not Johnny. So I ran over to IMDB like I always do and ran through Johnny’s body of work so see what we could Rob-ify, and here’s what I came up with… this is a look at some of Johnny Depp’s best known work, remixed to include YOU!

Follow the cut to read the Robified roles of Johnny Depp’s beloved movies

Arrrggghh matey's who be messin' wit da Heinie's?!

Arrrggghh matey's who be messin' wit da Heinie's?! (click to enlarge)

Pirates of the Caribbean franchise:
Capt. Rob Sparrow in The Pirates of South Barnes: Curse of the tainted Heineken – Rob remakes the mega Pirates franchise in his home town of Barnes London with friends Bobby Long playing BSchlong Turner and in a surprising (not really) turn of casting Tom Sturridge will play Rob Sparrow’s love interest: TomStuella as they embark on a swashbuckling pub crawl adventure through South Barnes to find the dastardly villain (*Spoiler alert: it’s Kristen*) spoiling all the town’s Heineken.

Sweeney Todd – The Demon Barber of Fleet Street:
Dirty Rob – The Unlikely Barber of Fleet Street – Rob is cast in the  role of a barber who’s only client is an angsty teen movie star named Smristen Smewart. What was once a good hair stylist/client relationship turns nasty with Dirty Rob gives Smristen a mullet haircut in an attempt to “butch her up a bit.” Smristen reeks havoc on Dirty Rob’s barbershop by hanging out there non stop, frowning, smoking and attracting paparazzos, giving Dirty Rob’s barbershop a bad name.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Rob and the Hot Pocket Factory – A Documentary filmed, directed, starring Robert Pattinson. After Rob is personally invited by the company president to tour the Hot Pocket factory he decides to film his moving journey to the factory. Along the way we meet Bessy, the sassy filling inserter and Fred the cranky dough maker with a heart of gold. We also are treated to a ceremony where the employees and owners of Hot Pockets give Rob the key to the factory for single handedly saving their business with her personal endorsement.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
Sulking and Frowning in Vancouver – Rob stars in this movie about a journalist turned paparazzo ordered to fly to Vancouver to try to get the million dollar shot of two supposed actors in love but hiding it on the set of their upcoming blockbuster movie. All he captures while following the pair though are hundreds of pictures of boring frown-y movie stars in dirty clothing. Though he tries every trick in the book from climbing into the male stars bedroom to bribing a maid for her uniform and master room key, he is unable to catch the stars in a pose that’s anything but sulky. He is fired.

Hold still... this won't hurt a bit

Hold still... this won't hurt a bit (click to enlarge)

Edward Scissorhands
Edward Cullenhands – Summit Entertainment buys the rights to Tim Burton’s classic (over Tim’s dead body) only to recreate the movie to include Edward Cullen as the main character: a hands-y vampire born with scissor’s for hands with a knack for cutting peoples hair and hedges with his “fangs.” Will the town of Forks accept this unlikely newcomer? Or will he be doomed to trim the grass forever?

So Rob and Johnny (of course you’re reading this, J!) what do you think? Time to switch up roles a bit? Johnny are you ready to tackle Cedric Diggory or Daniel Gale?! Ok… ok… it probably won’t work. And Rob, as much as I love you, you won’t ever be Johnny Depp! And that’s a good thing! You got your own deal going and we can’t wait to see how it plays out.

Bored and Smiling in Los Angeles,

So IF Rob was to ever remake a Johnny Depp role, which character should be be?

PS While perusing IMDB I found that Johnny has a Dali film in development… maybe there is more to this comparison than we originally thought…
Head on over to LTT for good times
Talk about Johnny Depp in the forum!


  1. Edward Cullenhands for the win!!

  2. ok so about edward cullenhands… i’m already crazy obsessive enough about this sexy piece of man. if rob EVER collaborates with my savior tim burton… i have no words to describe the level of insanity that would ensue. i can’t even imagine. its scary…

  3. I’m also a die-hard Johnny Depp fan, but a have a bigger crush(no, an obsession) with Rob of course. Johnny is the better actor, but he’s been in the business alot longer than Rob has, and I’m sure that Rob looks up to Johnny as a role model in acting.
    But, I must say that Rob has the better personality and charisma, especially in interviews. Rob is very talkative, outgoing, witty and charming in interviews, whereas Johnny is quiet and vague, and sort of just sits there with not a whole lot to say.
    I admit that I wouldn’t mind seeing the two of them in a movie together;the screen would blow up though from all the hotness!

  4. […] still pretty early in your career, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that you are the next Johnny Depp. No lie. So please don’t ruin things by knocking up KStew! Yeah she’s pretty and all. […]

  5. […] still pretty early in your career, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that you are the next Johnny Depp. No lie. So please don’t ruin things by knocking up KStew! Yeah she’s pretty and all. […]

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