Posted by: Bekah | October 12, 2009

Rob’s mailbag: Answered by his interns

It's so exhausting being me. UC, you do all the work...

It's so exhausting being me. UC, you do all the work...

Dear Rob,

From kids, to divorcees, to Twilight moms, we get letters every DAY from delusional freaks (oops, I mean dedicated fans) who find LTR and think it’s a site where all their dreams will come true and you will answer their fan mail in which they PROVE to you they are not a “crazy fan.” We don’t mind getting these emails. They provide us with countless “Cullen Smiles.” In fact, if it weren’t for one of those very letters, we wouldn’t even know what a Cullen Smile was. Thank you, female, 36, from Tampa, FL, who won a spelling bee in the 1st grade and hasn’t spelled a word right since.

Don’t worry. We answer this fan mail for you.  It’s basically like we’re your assistants. Or maybe more like your interns. We work for free but there are a few perks. There’s this unwritten rule for interns & their bosses. Ask David Letterman or former President Bill Clinton. We do your dirty work & you thank us for it.

I’ll be waiting,
UnintendedChoice

Dear Rob,
hey how are you? My name is Elizabeth, but I like to be called liz lol. Um this is my first time writing a fan letter so please say thankyou to your assitant if he or she writes on your behalf

But I just wanted to let you know that you are great actor, in both films I saw you in Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire and now Twilight, you did a great job.
I do have few questions to ask you about your self and also the movie twilight.
1. Is Rosalie on James side, because she rubbed Bella’s jacket on the tree and then James smelt in and realised he was goin the wrong way?
2. Bella wears a bracelt of saints, is she meant to be catholic?

Thank you Rob an I hope to hear from you or your assitant soon lol

Sigh. I'd rather Bella be Jewish

Sigh. I'd rather if Bella were Buddhist

Dear Liz lol,
My name is UnintendedChoice but I like to be called “UC” lol. I am what you could call “Rob’s assistant.” I run his site “Letters to Rob” where he provides an open forum for his fans to write letters to himself. Isn’t he so giving?

So you think Rob is a good actor, huh? What did you in? Was it “Hello. My name is Edward Cullen”?

To answer your questions. No- Rosalie wasn’t on James’ side. She moonlights as a stripper and thought that tree looked a lot like her favorite pole at “Buttcrack Santa’s Lounge” and couldn’t help rubbing up against it. And yes. Bella is catholic. Didn’t you know that the entire Twilight saga is just propaganda put out by the Vatican?

Love,
UC lol

Rob,

Hello there, you don’t know me but I am a 29year old divorced women from Colorado. I think it would be grand to meet you one day, and I know you’ve heard this before from many fans. But I am not some crazed teeny bopper fan, who would tear off your clothes if given the chance. I have had encounters with celebs before, and I know how to hold my composer at least somewhat. I would love to sit down and have a real conversation with you about your acting and your music, which I love by the way. Take care, and much love in the world for you.

-Divorced in Colorado

Dear DiC,

Did you say you’re a divorced women? As in… multiple women? Did you and a bunch of other 29 year old divorcees get together to write to Rob? That’s pretty cool. Do you have a club or something? “Divorced women in their late 20s in Colorado who have no desire whatsoever to tear off Robert Pattinson’s clothes.”

I’m glad to hear you can hold your composer “at least somewhat” around a celebrity. What composer do you hold? Carter Burwell? Do you hold him hostage? I was a little confused on that part of your letter. OH! You meant “composure.” You sometimes hold your composure of not wanting to tear off Rob Pattinson’s clothes. What is “somewhat?” 80% of the time you can and 20% of the time you can’t? Or is more like  65/35? I think Rob would be really reassured by those odds.

Tell the other gals who don’t want to tear off Rob’s clothes hi for me,
A married women in her late 20s who wouldn’t mind tearing off Rob Pattinson’s clothes

Will there be or will there NOT be more delusional writers after the jump?

Robert pattinson,

this isn’t just a letter from a obsessed fan who wants to have your hair or watch highschool musical 2 with you. i’m seriously a huge fan.! i think we should get married haha, your so talented, i love your song ‘never think’, i listen to it every night, it makes me cry every time, i watch your interveiws alot on youtube, espically the one where you bit tyra banks that made me laugh so for so long, when i first saw it and it still gets me. twilight is my favourite movie and book, mostly because your in it, when i first saw you in harry potter and the goblet of fire, i knew i was IN love with you, i cant wait for your upcoming movies espically new moon, i have atleast 130 posters of you. i’m not a freak or anything i just like waking up every morning to your face… a world without you, would suck.

xx lots of love,
your biggest fan

To Rob’s biggest freak fan,

It’s good to hear you’re not a freak.  And you only have 130 posters of Rob? What’s wrong with you? There are at LEAST 439 out on the market & you will not truly prove your normalness as a fan until you own them all. You have some work to do. Ready-set-BUY! (Oh, and you might need to ask Dad for a bigger bedroom… I think you might run out of wall space)

Love,
A bigger fan than you because I have 141 posters

This next letter was received on Rob’s birthday

Happy Birthday Rob!! I’m sure you will never see this but it made me feel better just to send it. You are God’s greatest creature to this Earth! Not just because you are handsome but the best part from what I have seen in interviews is that you are humble, thankful, and really appreciate everything that you have been given the opportunity to do.

Would love to meet you like all your fans!

Hugs on your birthday from

a Twilight Mom

I drive like a guy from 1999

I drive like a guy who wears sweaters that weren't even cool in 1999

Dear “A Twilight Mom,”

100 bucks you have an “I drive like a Cullen” bumper sticker on your car, right? And did you decorate your guest room with an Edward duvet? Thought so

Love,
A normal Twilight fan

omg im in love with you rob, you are my idol i would PROUDLY take a bullet for you. me and my friends we call our selves twilight characters like im renesmee and my 2 BFFs are alice and esme and rosealie our dads our carslile and emmett and jasper and edward.after high school im going to go to washington state college

my name is amanda aka renesmee and im a proud twilighter

Dear Amanda aka renesmee,

Wait? Your dads are Carlisle, Emmett & Jasper? Have you ever heard your moms refer to them as “Unicorns?” Let me know!

Love,
A girl who is glad I don’t have kids who are writing to “celebrities” on the internet

dear rob,

We all have gifts. gifts that make us unique while connecting us to others. sometimes, we never see our gifts because the fog between us and the mirror is too thick. sometimes, we find our gift after years of misusing and misunderstanding. and sometimes the gift becomes clear and we feel like, okay, now what do i do with it? seeing, knowing, and doing eventually come together. if not in this life, well then, in the next.

i allways belived in everything from a lollie in front of me when it really was’nt to dragans or vampires but the most thing i allways belived in was i knew i was going to meet you one day, so i just need to say im not going to anouying you like the other screaming fans do.if they were really your fans or really cared about you they would not do that to you, i just wish i could meet you one day.

i hope so………………

-Jordan Masen Cullen

Dear uniquely gifted,

Whoa. THIS is a coincidence. Do you know that Edward, from the books the Twilight saga, is named Edward Masen Cullen? Just like your name. If that’s not a sign that you’re going to one day get arrested for stalking Rob meet Rob I don’t know what is.

A screaming fan,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Writing to Rob 4 days in a row is not a unique gift, FYI (but I enjoyed reading your letters)

Have you ever written a crazy letter? To Rob!? Confess

Then hang out at The Forum
and say ‘myello’ to Moon over on LTT

Pictures from, where else? Robsessed

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Responses

  1. Okay, it’s letters like these that make me understand why Rob is in hiding!

    • Amen. I would want to be as far away from this crazy as I could get.

    • LOL true that. I couldn’t imagine what Rob’s publicists feel while reading, let alone wonder what they think would be appropriate enough to let Rob read.. If Rob did read these types of letters, for sure he’d develop some sort of aversion to fans, thinking every single one of them thinks the same, in general.

      Scary. At least Rob’s people are nice enough to send stuff back what with all the crazy stuff they read from the fans’ letters.

      • I think Rob would laugh his ass off reading these letters – I do!

  2. ROFL!!!!
    Du-ude!
    This is nuts!
    These people needed to be checked into a Rob/Twi Recovery Centre.
    There’s fans and then there’s crazies! haha

    xox

    • Sadly, I think it’s just that a lot people don’t have common sense anymore.

  3. Oh my, DiC- this one is scary (but funny). I got confused on the ‘fog and the mirror and the lollie’ one. What?

    • Agree, that letter just sort of descends into misspelled madness, methinks the medication was starting to wear off. A lolly in England is a lollipop or piece of hard candy, but something tells me she ain’t talking ’bout no candy.

      • But it is something she wants to suck on.

        • Right!

        • HA! Wow, what a big ole box of crazy that was. And……yes I have written Rob a letter or two. One was about how my friend Kimmie said she would blow him IN a dumpster b/c that’s how hot he is, and one about how I would never do that b/c eery lady knows the appropriate way to blow a guy is BEHIND the dumpster. HAVE SOME CLASS!

          http://www.aquiredtaste.wordpress.com

          • LOL!!

  4. Dear Rob,

    I just wanted to let you know that every night I go to sleep on your face. I have a Twilight pillow case lol. Don’t worry. I’m not a crazy teeny bopper fan or anything. I mean, so what if I’m 76 and have covered the walls in my “assisted living” space with pictures of you from floor to ceiling. I was only caught once making out with the wall. I just have a couple of questions…How did you learn to run so fast up mountains? And was it hard being around so many humans and not having the urge to bite them? And do you ever think about wearing sunblock to help stop the sparkle? Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I hope to meet you someday. I have a feeling you and I would be great “buddies” *wink wink*
    All my love,
    GILF

    **Disclaimer: I couldn’t resist. What a bunch of crazies!! Seriously people. ;P Happy Monday!

    • 🙂 That was so poignant, Sharpie. Made me tear up a little.

      • I try! I have to admit, I was tearing up a little too while I was writing my love note to Robert. 🙂

    • ROFL!! Grrrreat love letter!! Too funny! 😉

      • Heehee 🙂 What can I say…it came from the heart!

  5. I started reading the first 3 letters and then got 2nd hand embereced again. I can’t read any more of those “fanletters”. My Cullen smile is plasterd on my face 4 ever thanks to these letters.

    Poor interns who have to read 300 of these letters EVERY day in LA and Londen. I rather do Bill in the Oral Office!

  6. “this isn’t just a letter from a obsessed fan who wants to have your hair” <—- Is that bad?

    That is all I want of Rob. Just his hair.

    & What a coincidence! I cry each time I hear Never Think too! And by each time, I mean, never, not once.

    • Me too. Each time!

    • Oh fangbanger…I just wanted to thank you for making me choke on my morning cup of coffee. Seriously, Monday morning became much more do-able (that’s what she said), when I have my morning dose of sarcasm. LOVES IT!! 🙂
      The next time you go and get your hair did ask them if they can give you “The Rob”. It’s like the 90’s “Rachel”, only much more glorious.

      • That is a terrific idea!

        Stupid confession: When I was 14, I went to the hairdresser, on a whim, and got my hair cut exactly like Kelly Osborne’s. It only took 2 years to get it looking normal again. 😛

        • Eh, I understand. When I was 14 I asked for the Rachel. We’re even. 😉

          • I, too, had the Rachel

  7. OMG, Divorced in Colorado srsly had me laughing out loud at the office… “I have had encounters with celebs before, and I know how to hold my composer at least somewhat.” Really, DiC, what kind of celebrities?

    If the utter craziness of these letters doesn’t have me rolling on the floor, then the amazing spelling ability of the writers will!

    • Surely she met Weird Al once. That is her celeb encounter. 😉

      • I met Pauly Shore out back of a comedy club once. I’m sure I can gauge my reaction to meeting Rob based on my reaction to Pauly. I’m sure it would be comparable.

  8. Thank you for making my day. That was so f*cking hilarious. Your response to DiC was truly splendid.

  9. Renesmee would take a bullet for Rob?? Geesh, I’m not even sure I’d take a bullet for one of my kids. That’s some devotion right there. Bless her heart…

    • Too funny. I have to say, of all the letters posted today, I was the most 1st-hand-WTF’ed with Jordan Masen Cullen. I mean, srsly? Your Twilight alter ego is Ruh-NEZ-may? Oedipal much? And if not, then please explain why you would want to saddle yourself with that moniker just for shiggles.

      • HA! Shiggles 🙂

        I have to agree with you. I wonder if it has even occured to little J.M.C. that she is hot for her dad. ew.

        • Creeptastic.

          These letters assure me, not that I needed THAT much reassurance, but, ladies, we ARE totes normal.

          Thank the lawd.

  10. You had me at “Dear Liz lol,”.

    The last person scares me. At first I thought she is just an employee of the encouragement cards department at Hallmark. But then she threw “a lollie in front of me” and “meeting you one day” into one sentence. Definitely a perv in disguise.

    • Dear Liz lol. What a nice name you have!

      • Wouldn’t it be Ms Lol, until you’ve been introduced formally? You know, like Edward Cullen did with Bella’s Daddy.

  11. If the first letter-writer is writing to Rob to ask questions about the story of Twilight, do you think she writes to Stephanie Meyer to ask about Rob’s love life?

    PS To letter writer #2. I’d like to hold Rob’s ‘composer’, but I’m sure that’s because I’m a crazy freak, unlike you.

  12. Deer Robert Patterson,

    I love ewe sew much. One day I wood like to make babys with ewe and run my hands threw your hare,

    love ewe lodes,

    Kassa x

    • your hare!!

      LOL, I never read any where that Rob had a rabbit. You ARE a bigger fan than I, you win!

      *bows head in shame, “IcannotbelievehehasarabbitandIdidntknow!*

  13. “But I am not some crazed teeny bopper fan, who would tear off your clothes if given the chance.”

    Umm, yeah right 29-yr-old divorced “women”!

  14. These letters gave the the “Cullen Smile!” Thanks to the 36 year old woman who coined that word!

    You would think these people would spellcheck their letters first. C’mon people, you’re sending these to Rob or at least thinking he’s the one getting it! Don’t you want to impress him a little? 🙂

    FTR, I also like that Tyra episode where Rob bites her! I think Tyra milked him for all she can!

    • Southernbelle! I can see you! Aww, cute new avatar! 🙂

      Btw, I always feel the urge to punch Tyra, but after that episode, that urge became a need.

      ” think Tyra milked him for all she can”

      Ewwwww 😀

      • Howdy?

        Really? I can’t see my new avatar, I can still see Rob’s face. Oh well, I guess that’s better than my face! 🙂 I was playing with it yesterday and I can’t decide which pic of Rob to use so I decided to use my face instead, haha!

        • It’s cute, I like it 🙂

        • Cute photo! You look like you are 10 years old. =)

          • @Jodie – gee thanks! I do look young, it’s a curse that I hope to enjoy when I’m in my 50’s and 60’s.

      • YES, PUNCH! Especially what she did to those poor girls! Meet Robert Pattinson!…and now shove your face in a pie in front of him! I was 2nd hand embarrassed for Tyra.

        • LMAO, I know those poor girls! Rob was laughing so much, he barely kept a straight face the whole time! LOL.

        • Seriously? I have never seen this! I watched the first two seconds of the interview. When she started using the stupid fake accent I had to turn it off because I was so embarrassed. Maybe I should look it up and watch it on mute.

          • Yes watch it definitely! It was sooooooooo funny. I may have been screaming too during the entire show! Tyra was such a flirt w/ Rob!

      • And Rob has said he loves Tyra’s show??!! I truly hope he was being sarcastic. Otherwise I might not be as inclined to cut off some of his hair or rip off his clothes.

  15. Oh my… These always scare me a little. This is one of those times (one of the many) that I hope Rob has never seen this site. Who are we kidding though? We know he checks it and refreshes it more than all of us! I ❤ your responses more than anything though.

    p.s.- I met a unicorn this weekend and interviewed him like I was Barbara Walters and he was the leader of some foreign nation.

    p.p.s. – For those of you who've read "Wide Awake" and/or "Clipped Wings and Inked Armor" -I saw a Darkward look-a-like this weekend. I looked out the window of the bar and saw a pair of legs in black jeans, a pair of shitkickers, a leather jacket, messy hair in the face, blowing out cigarette smoke. OBVIOUSLY, like any NORMAL fan, my mind went directly to thoughts of Darkward. The mystery man gets up, walks inside, and I catch his face. It's my ex-boyfriend. FML

    • Time to make him your current boyfriend again, yes?

      • Ha! There’s always a reason an ex is an ex. Plus, I think my current boyfriend would be irritated. ;D

        • Your Darkward obviously wants you back – he’s going to extreme lengths to be the man he thinks you want him to be.

          Give him another chance – and don’t forget to post on here so we know how it turns out!

          Or right it up as some fan fiction and let us know the link! 😉

        • haha! I think my ex would qualify as a “Darkward” too though I’d never thought of till now. (Thanks a lot! Boo!) Have strength! I can sympathize!

          • well, since it’s over, can I have his number?
            Just sayin

          • Well…only if you want to date a tall, fair, green eyed artist/musician with a kick ass name of Nikolai…I didn’t think so.

    • @KatieS -I haven’t read those FF. What are they about? I got 2 more chapters of WA and then moving onto Deconstructing Dracula.

      Oh was the guy as hot as Rob? Funny how we notice things like this now! My eyes perk up every time I see someone with similar clothing or hair! The black hoodie grew on me. I’m desperate for a look-alike! Sadly, none yet.

  16. Hi

    Thanks for keeping this blog, it’s great.

    I’m looking for some information about Robert’s PR and I’m sure either you know it either you can find it very easily from people who read your posts.
    So please can you help me find out :

    – who is Robert’s PR agency and publicists?
    – who was helping him with PR (press relations) while in France?

    Thanks a lot, I hope you can help me.

    • i have no idea!

      • I would think that much is obvious from today’s post.

      • UC, shouldn’t you know that kind of information?? I mean… You send all of these letters to Rob and all……..

        😛

        • duh. what am I thinking?

          • And you should let us know when Robert Paddelston is going to release his Never Think remix! I’ve got my Paddelston panties already!

    • Hey as far as I know his publicist/agent is Stephanie Ritz from Endeavor Agency, I saw that her address is posted on Robsessed. I’m not sure though who helped him in France.

      Hope this helps!

  17. Dear Rob,

    I want to have your hair.

    Love,

    LPB lol

    • Dear Rob,
      who was taking care of your hair while making How To Be, because it was really shiny and straight? Or maybe, since the budget of the movie was small, you had to flat-iron it by yourself. I would love to hear from you and meet you someday to discuss hair stuff.
      Love, Me

  18. I have a question UC.

    Is that picture on top from the “Creepy Uncle” collection?

    His hair looks dark and that jacket he’s wearing looks eerily similar to what he was wearing in that other photo.

    • ooh good question. I agree it looks quite similar, but I think this is new(er).

      But I see the similarities. Perhaps we can call him the “Quiet Cousin” You know.. your cousin who sits at the thanksgiving dinner table and seems like a mute, but blares screamer music in his room after dinner while looking at fetish websites

      • I would be even more disturbed if it was a newer picture and not part of the old collection. That would mean it wasn’t just a one time bad photo shoot. He might have a inner “creepy uncle” that keeps wanting to surface!

        • If he’s to be believed from half of what he says in interviews, he IS a creepy uncle and this sweet lovable sexy boy emerged from inside him when he won the part of Edward Cullen.

          After all, he said he became polite after playing the part of the super-well mannered Cedric in GOF, so it’s possible.

          And before Twilight the few of us who knew of him were like “Meh” for the most part.

          but now we all want his hair – or failing that, his (sperm) bank account number please – I may or may not wish to make a withdrawal.

    • the “Creepy Uncle” collection?
      Oh my, you could be right! The fact that there is more where that came from is worrying me right now.

  19. “Is Rosalie on James side, because she rubbed Bella’s jacket on the tree and then James smelt in and realised he was goin the wrong way?”

    This question made me laugh for quite a long time.

    • This question made me laugh, and then question if I know the real answer..?

      • she was wearing Bella’s jacket…. so she was rubbing Bella’s scent on the tree…. (while envisioning a stripper pole) and James saw through the trick.

        Damn Volchek from The OC

        • Oh right, stripper pole….duh.

          🙂

  20. Oy vey. As much as I cringe while reading these letters, I can’t help but feel a bit superior. It makes me happy to know that I can spell and use proper grammar. And full words. And not sound completely ridiculous.

    And no I’ve never written a fan letter, crazy or otherwise. Not even to Jordan Knight when I was four, although I’m pretty sure I tried to get my mom to pen that one down for me.

    oink

    • The spelling and grammar are totally cringe-worthy, but it’s the content that kills me!

      Ms Masen Cullen lol, I salute you. Your opening paragraph about gifts was almost my undoing.

  21. Wow….no wonder Rob hides in is hotel and lives off of Hot Pockets. I’d never go outside if I saw shizz like this written about me. I think he sits in the hotel peeking through the drapes sure at any moment the DiC “women” are coming for him. GAH!!!

  22. Those letters are a bit disturbing, no wait, VERY DISTURBING.

    No wonder why Rob is hiding so much… Run Rob Run!

    And UC your responses are amazing!!! I just love sarcasm jijiji

  23. These are some of my favorite posts.

    Dear Rob,
    I have to admit that, while I do feel bad for you for having such crazy fans, I also don’t because it provides endless entertainment for me and makes my Monday that much better.
    Love,
    HB

    P.S. rule of thumb appears to be that anyone who claims “I’m not a crazy fan” or “I’m not a freak” IS ONE. Also, do not send a letter to Rob, say that, and then tell him you think you should get married. That makes you a freak. Kthxbai.

    • I can’t spell and I am not a crazy fan. Why am I not writing letters to Rob?

  24. ” who won a spelling bee in the 1st grade and hasn’t spelled a word right since.”

    Damn you…I haven’t even read the friggin’ letters yet and I’m already in the throes of my ‘snortgigglecough’ office laugh.

    • confession. I wrote that sentence late last night. And at first wrote:

      “who won a spelling bee in the 1st grade and hasn’t spelled a word write since”

      True Story

  25. Ok, between the banjo from Deliverance running through my head “You got a purty mouf” and visuals of Wild Bill “put the lotion in the basket Precious”…I’m scared.

    Makes me really happy that I went the whole weekend without thinking of Rob one time*. Means I am really truly a normal person.

    *Ok, I lied. I did think of Rob one time, but it was at the same time I thought of the whole Brit Pack. It was when the dude from KoL played the guitar with his tongue. But that was it.

    • OH.my.goodness. Did you SEE that?!!??? I was in such need to make out during that concert, I was tempted to molest the FUBAR’d dork sitting in front of me.

      Best concert I have seen in a very long time. Caleb. Swwoooonnn…

      • I texted VG and said “I blame my first baby on Goose, my second on KoL”…it was during that song.

        AMAZING!!!!

        • Thank goodness I’m fixed (hello, Tony Manero!), because after that show, I could have blamed my FOURTH kid on KOL. shudder.

    • I went away this weekend too and didn’t think of him once. And when I say ‘didn’t think of him once’ what I mean is I spent the entire time fantasising that he was in every bar in Barcelona and what would I do if I bumped in to him there and boring all my friends with insessent Rob-talk.

      Normal.

  26. Whoa…these letters…just…whoa. Although the freak with the 130 posters of Rob sounds a little like me when I was 11. I may or may not have written a letter very similar to this to Joey McIntyre.

    • Awww, Holly, Joe was my fave NKOTB as well.
      Only, I filled a whole notebook (spiral, college rule) with my thoughts when I was 13 and then gave it to a security guard to give to him at a concert. True story, please don’t tell anyone.
      Thanks!

  27. Dear Robert Pattinson,
    I am totally normal and have a life, but without you I would cease to exist. I think I could say “you are my life now”–lulz! I watch those paparazzi videos over and over and wish that I was behind the camera, following you out of restaurants and clubs. Or breaking into your hotel room to see if you had any of my other letters. I like to think you keep them in your underwear drawer, like I requested.

    Sometimes I dream of you while looking at the posters of you that I put up on the ceiling above my bed. I leave my window open so you can come get me and you’ll let me climb on your back and you’ll call me spidermonkey. And you’ll be all “Bella WHO?” and I’ll LAUGH AND LAUGH. But not in a crazy way. In a funny way.

    I hope you’ve given some thought to my offer of removing your clothing piece by piece with my teeth. I’m coming to Vancouver next week, and will bring all the bondage toys I’ve talked about in my other letters, just in case you didn’t bring yours to Vancouver. If I don’t see you, I will die. Literally. Maybe sneak onto set and die on your trailer steps. Don’t make me.

    Kisses!
    Freya Pattinson Masen Cullen Gale Dali Ransom

    • You didn’t include the word “Spunk” in your name.

      Fan FAIL!

      • Silly–Spunk’s his FIRST name. I would have included Robert Edward Anthony Salvador and Daniel if I was including Spunk. And that, I felt, might be over the top.

        • glad you could reign yourself in.

      • Or Claudia or Nina

    • Dear Freya Pattinson Masen Cullen Gale Dali Ransom,

      Curious if you’d be willing to marry me? You see, while this letter is proof of you being a little crazy, you still have excellent grammar and your spelling is spot on. So you can’t be all that crazy…

      Hoping to be the future Other Mrs. Pattinson Masen Cullen Gale Dali Ransom,
      HeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyBrother.

  28. DiC wrote:
    “But I am not some crazed teeny bopper fan, who would tear off your clothes if given the chance.”

    Really? Well, that’s too bad because I have to say if I was given the chance (i.e. me and Rob in a hotel room) I would certainly tear his clothes off.

    I guess I’m crazy.

  29. We have to admit, one sentence in all of these crazy letters is true:
    world would suck without Rob.
    And it would suck even more without a daily dose of LTR.

  30. “i’m not a freak or anything i just like waking up every morning to your face… a world without you, would suck.”

    That last part made me think of this Mexican restaurant I used to go to and their slogan was “A day without a taco is like a day without sunshine.” I know that’s entirely random.

    Love forever because you’re clearly a vampire and you live forever,
    The taco, sunshine, and Rob lover (aka M lol)

  31. DiC wrote:
    “But I am not some crazed teeny bopper fan, who would tear off your clothes if given the chance.”

    Hmm, this is just about as comforting as someone saying:
    “I’m not a crazed serial killer who would love to strangle you and then chop you into little pieces and keep you in my freezer (nervous giggle) Promise”

  32. UC, you did it again! Can.Not.Stop.Laughing!!! Love the DiC letter, and I was sooo anticipating your response when I saw all the typos.

    Seriously, I love you, UC! And if I had a uterus, I would totes offer to have your children for you. LOL!! (Kidding, really… I am not a crazy fan of yours or anything!) 😀

  33. You girls are the funniest ones out there! seriously, I love your ironi 🙂 Thank you soooo much for making my day. Reading LTT and LTR are good for my soul 😉
    – Sara from Sweden

  34. Doe Larcenous,
    I am your most sizable ethusiast. I cherish you into small fragments – not literally! heh heh. Would you go to my high school mating ritual with me? (just making a jocular statement) (truth).
    With all my 4-chambered circulatory organ,
    [name withheld]

    (Note: I am an LTT/LTR stalker — always read, never post, but this seemed apropos. 🙂 FYI, This annonymous letter went through the Joey-filter. Hope it makes sense!)
    F Kat

    • You need to post more often! F’ing hilarious!!

  35. Dearest Rob,

    I’m your biggest fan I’ll follow you until you love me. Papa, papparazzi! Sing it ala-Lady Gaga style!

    OK I’m just kidding, I won’t follow Rob until he loves me :-). I just thought that song was perfect for these letter today!

    XO

  36. Dear Rob,
    I totally wrote you a lame-o letter one night after reading everyone else’s and having a glass (or seven) of wine while listening to that Carraba kid. Lucky for me, I can spell and I’m not 18, so UC and Moon were nice enough to not haze me in front of the entire internet. But even if they giggled at my ramblings, it’s you that I really owe an apology to.
    Please forgive me.
    If I have to make it up to you, there is a very icky dumpster two blocks down the street, I could meet you there around 7.
    Thanks 🙂

    • the fact that you confessed to listening to “that carraba kid” is SOO WIN

    • Love it!! 🙂

  37. these are all so funny and also really scary too – i keep asking myself as i read them “are they really truly for real??”

    but i must give props to the one freak/fan when she says to Rob…”a world without you, would suck” – double true

  38. […] Rob’s mailbag: Answered by his interns « Letters to Rob letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/robs-mailbag-answered-by-his-interns – view page – cached From kids, to divorcees, to Twilight moms, we get letters every DAY from delusional freaks (oops, I mean dedicated fans) who find LTR and think it’s a site where all their dreams will come true and… (Read more)From kids, to divorcees, to Twilight moms, we get letters every DAY from delusional freaks (oops, I mean dedicated fans) who find LTR and think it’s a site where all their dreams will come true and you will answer their fan mail in which they PROVE to you they are not a “crazy fan.” We don’t mind getting these emails. They provide us with countless “Cullen Smiles.” In fact, if it weren’t for one of those very letters, we wouldn’t even know what a Cullen Smile was. Thank you, female, 36, from Tampa, FL, who won a spelling bee in the 1st grade and hasn’t spelled a word right since. (Read less) — From the page […]

  39. Oh my god!!!! You are so funny, whenever I need to laugh I come to this site and you never fail to deliver. I just did my makeup because I am going out tonight, and I am laughing so hard my eyes are running and I have to “redo”. Really, you are gifted!

  40. Oh thank God for the girl who will proudly oh sorry PROUDLY take a bullet for Rob Pattinson – only in America! She should be offered a contract tout de suite as his personal body guard. They can make a film about her life then she can get a job guarding the President.

    Your post today, as usual, was excellent, UC. My face is sore from laughing.

  41. Intelligent eloquent Twilight related postings, how refreshing and frickken hilarious.

  42. WOW!! That is some FUNNY SHIZ!! I HAD to go back and read the “Cullen smile” letter, and once again, it gave me a headache! LOL! I love coming here and reading these letters though…they’re so hilarious!! I think “Jordan” wants to be a psychic when he/she grows up!! Good luck kid! 😉

  43. hahaha!!! omg i cant stop laughing! What can i do to became an intern?? I guess i could be a really good assistent 🙂

    u r the best uc!

  44. I’m not some crazed teeny-bopper fan who would tear your clothes off if given the chance…I am a crazed THIRTY FOUR year old fan who (if YOU gave me the chance) would tear your clothes to shreds, slam you up against the nearest wall, and take you from every angle possible…just keeping it real!! 😉

    • Truth…I love it!

  45. I hate to do it. I’ve been refraining, holding myself back, day after day, as I read this blog. But…I just can’t….it has to be done…I…MUST…COMMENT!

    So I embrace the inner dork in me, and humbly submit a comment to tell you, UC and Moon, that this is the best blog EVER. EVER.

    You guys are way too smart for your own good, and the comments make me laugh harder than reading about half-human-half-vampire babies being imprinted on by wolves-or-shapeshifters. (Seriously, someone needs to rewrite this series, same story + better writing = WIN! Right?! Anyone, anyone?).

    It’s too freaking funny.

    So, thanks, now I will have to live with the fact that I wrote a comment on a Twilight-related blog. This one I’ll take to my grave with me.

    • Um.. Mariemarie? I got you beat.. I RUN A ROB PATTINSON BLOG.

      This, I will take to the grave with ME 🙂

      thanks for commenting
      X

      • Yeah, ok, you win, but you do it oh-so-cleverly that it’s not dorky anymore, it’s adorkable (like Rob!).

        There, I commented twice, ah, I’m binging now.

  46. Okay, so….every time I see these letters posted I think “There’s NO way these can be worse than the last ones” BUT THEN…I read them and stand corrected. It’s truly scary. But I’m super thankful for the hilarity b/c today sucked the f***ing balls of a goat! lol

  47. So, some ppls fancy that Rob reads this remarkable blogsite. I’m certain he would enjoy the humor, but then there is the creepy strangeness behind the words written by these letter writers.
    I certainly hope he reads the “comments.” The letters were strange and nitwitty, but the comments by this internet twi-community, like UC’s answers, are insightful and reflect the fact that there exists some level of respect out there for the Pattinson. Neverstop UC.

  48. It’s the first time I’m here, and I laughed like hell! 😉

  49. […] Rob’s mailbag: Answered by his interns Dear Rob, From kids, to divorcees, to Twilight moms, we get letters every DAY from delusional freaks (oops, I mean […] […]

  50. If I wrote a short letter to him it would be like this:

    Dear Rob,
    I live in Georgia, it’s okay.
    Mel

    See, short and easy (and creepy).
    No, I don’t think I would write a real letter confessing my love for him. But the point is that other people still need to write so we can make fun of them, ’cause “that’s normal”.


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