Today we bring you a very honest fan letter
I’m not obsessed with you. I’m sorry, I’m just not. In fact, I’m fairly certain that if we met I wouldn’t like you. I do love LTT and LTR and I stop by everyday, mostly because I think making fun of Twilight (eventhoughIlovedthebooksandmayormaynotreadfanfiction) is hilarious, especially when it comes from women in my age group who occasionally make Full House references (that I totally love). Frankly, the first movie and all the hype surrounding the sequels have kind of ruined the books for me. I’m worse than a bad Rob fan, I’m not even really a fan.
It’s not that you aren’t quite good-looking or a good actor or anything. (Seeing as how I’ve only seen Twilight and The Goblet of Fire and know nothing about acting, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here.) I just don’t get the hype. I read some of the things that your fans say about you and I wonder how they know that you are intelligent or well-read or down-to-earth or mature. Carrying around Dante (have you carried around Dante yet?) does not automatically make you smart. But anyway, from the interviews I’ve seen, I get the feeling that you’re kind of taking all of this (and yourself) way too seriously and I really just feel sorry for you.
You don’t seem to be enjoying any of this Twilight phenomenon at all. Sure, the swarms of teenage girls and their mothers and people with your face tattooed on their ass are frightening, not to mention all the paparazzi hunting you down. And this whole Robsten are they/aren’t they thing in the press/internet world is insane. (Though that weirds me out for a different reason – if my calculations are correct, you met Kristen when she was 17 and you were 21. That’s just creepy. I don’t care how mature KStew’s upper class Orange County upbringing made her (*heh*), there’s still a BIG difference between being 19 and 23. I know, I’ve been both.) But whatever, it’s your life and you should be allowed to live it [read: stick it wherever you want to whoever is willing… and legal], but I feel bad that you look so sullen and terrified all the time.
Read more honesty after the jump!
Think about it. You’re in a movie playing a moody, teenage vampire who hasn’t gotten laid in a century and is masquerading as a high school student. Your rival is a not-really-a-werewolf shape-shifter who conveniently shape-shifts into your natural enemy. Your skin sparkles. Somehow, even though as far as I know dead animals can’t produce sperm, you manage to impregnate your human teenage wife the first time you have sex. Your in utero child can communicate with you telepathically and she tries to eat her way out of her mother’s womb. I really did love the books, but come on, some parts are kind of silly.
I get that you aren’t supposed to mock movies that you are starring in, but the thing is, some of your fellow cast members seem to get it. Mike Dex–uh, Peter Facinelli gets it. Billy Burke gets it. Even Taylor Lautner seems to get it (And he gets stalked plenty too. Remember Gomez-gate?). They are taking this all in stride, enjoying the ride. You see, the thing about vampire movies (not that this is REALLY a vampire movie) is that they are impossible to make. I don’t care how good the special effects are or if you have the best stunt men in the world, a human being cannot convincingly portray a vampire. Vampires do too many cool vampirey things, like moving exceptionally gracefully (*ahem*). That’s not to say that you can’t make a good vampire movie, but to do so it has to have some self-awareness, and maybe a dash a kitsch.
It worries me that you don’t seem aware that any of this is ridiculous.
(Maybe you need a healthy dose of LTT.)
I do hope you come to terms with the chaos that has become your life and get some much-needed perspective, but really I just wanted to confess. Because I’d like to like you. I haven’t had an unhealthy celebrity crush since Mike Vitar played Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. I was 10.
And as long as I’m confessing, I never was Team Edward. I’m Team Bella. Screw whiny, needy, clingy, over-protective, jealous man-boys. Even though I did want her to become a vampire, she really should have gone backpacking through Europe after graduation instead.
For my safety’s sake, let’s just call me,
UC NOTE: Uh oh, Anonymous- I can hear TammyO already “Kristen is from THE VALLEY- get it right you ugly delusional freak” Everyone wave hi to TammyO!
If you’re new, do you know that we actually post YOUR fan letters like this one today? Okay, we don’t post them all, and often times it takes us weeks or months to get to them, but we read them all! And laugh along with you or applaud your honesty! Send in your creative ideas via email!
Why yes, this IS a new Photoshoot. THANKS ROBSESSED