I recently had an epiphany during a conversation with Calliope:
UC: Sigh.. I just fell in love with Jackson
UC: I’m watching 30 seconds of the 100Monkey’s video Moon posted today|
Calliope: ohh I get so frustrated with Jackson
UC: Has his voice always been that sexy?
Calliope: I wish we’d never seen him in person
UC: Why? I mean, for obvious reasons (aka his awful band), but why do YOU mean it today?
Calliope: Because then I could live in this fantasy bubble where he’s a little taller.. a little less sweatier… a little less i’m wasted and/or high all the time…a little less womanizer
UC: That’s why we can NEVER meet Rob! I’d shut down LTR- without Moon’s permission! What if that happened!? What if all those things you said about Jackson were true about Rob!?
Calliope: WE CAN NEVER. I mean … we didn’t EVEN talk to Jackson. I think I could handle a 30 second glance of Rob. I mean, we saw a LOT of Jackson- I stood across from him in the bathroom line (I went like 4 times)- so maybe if we hadn’t over exposed ourselves to his presence… things would be different. But now whenever I see a pic of him… I instantly think of myself in heels staring down at him and get sadface
UC: I think it was the girl blowing bubbles. I mean, I think she was a little slow– he could’ve at least shook her hand.
Calliope: There was someone blowing bubbles?!?! Maybe we were just too drunk shouldnothavedrivenhomethatnight
UC: Amen, WHAT were we thinking? We had the monkeys on the brain or something. Monkey-brains
It shouldn’t be news to you that I don’t want to meet you. I’ve confessed it before, but I think my reasons have changed. I used to think that it would be because I would turn into a gushy, fangirl mush, but now I’m pretty sure I handle it. I mean, I did meet Peter Dinklage on the street a few weeks ago and I kept my cool- I can handle Robert freakin’ Pattinson. But I am afraid that meeting you would completely ruin my image of you. And in metaphorical terms, I would then be “in heels staring down at you… with a sadface.”
I know, I know. I’m breaking your heart. We’ll never MEET!? I’ve compiled the reasons WHY we should never meet into a manifesto. Enjoy:
- I’m afraid of you. No- not like I’m afraid of sharks and the number 7, but afraid of how you’ll be. What will you say? Will it be something awkward like complimenting me on my perky breasts? Or will you jump into a 5 minute monologue where you discuss how your last box of hot pockets caused a little bit to ‘come out of your pants?’ What will you do? Will you stare so intently that I swear you found that zit I did a rockin’ job covering up? Will you slur & stutter? Will you be drunk (one can hope!) Will a bit of microwaved carrot be stuck in between your front teeth? What if you were recovering from a cold and a little bit of snot got stuck in your 4 day old beard? Do I tell you? Will you be more or less embarrassed if I point it out? What if your snot is a really weird color? Does it mean you have an illness worse than a cold? What if it’s the swine flu? Should I ask you if got the H1N1 vaccine or is that rude?
a secret mesage
- How will I explain LTR? Let’s assume we meet because I was granted an interview- will you ask what ‘media’ I work for? And what if I say E! and you say you’ll look for me next time you’re flipping through channels? I’m the worst liar- you’re going to catch me in the act. Moon is the best BSer. Say she writes down on a piece of paper for me to read, “I run an entertainment blog with a humorous take on one of pop culture’s biggest stars written in the form of letters,” but I mess up because my contacts get blurry & I can no longer read the paper so I freak out and say “I write letters to you. And Photoshop you into jorts. And Dumpsters. And stuff. Um” And what if I’m not interviewing you but just happen to stalk you until I find out where you’re hanging out find you at a local pub and decide my humor is really ON that night and start telling jokes about jorts & Fish Filets… thinking you’ll laugh because I say stuff about them every day and always get a laugh or two… and you stare at me blankly. And I start to sweat and feel awkward because I’d rather be hit in the head by a boat then be in awkward situations and just end up blabbing “Letters to Rob Dot Com. Go there” and run out? While yelling, over my shoulder, “Dumpster!”
After the jump, find out if I list 7 (gasp) reasons!
- In my mind you look exactly like this all the time, 100% of the day, even when you’re sleeping or having sex (disinterested):
but I have a really, really bad feeling that this is what you look like more often than not. And add a blanket & you’d be the poster child for the swine flu:
- Will Kristen be there to ruin the special moment of our first meeting? Will you smell like her? Will she be dry humping you as I try to talk to you about something intellectual? “Um… I like books too. And music. What a coincidence.” Will the mullet be even scarier in person and will my “things that I’m scared of” list grow to 3? Sharks, the number 7 and KStew’s mullet? (Oops, make that 4, I forgot to add swine flu creepy Uncle Rob)
- You’re 23– and everything about you that I’ve created in my mind is for a boy much older than 23. Will you dissapoint me and act your age? Inside of your latest pretentious find from your favorite Vancity used book store will I see a hidden Playboy magazine or worse- Car & Driver? What if you actually own a puka shell necklace and wear a pair of jorts or do anything on the dealbreakers list? What if you think you’re the shit, buy every UFC fight on pay-per-view and like the Foo Fighters?
Or the opposite– What if you ARE actually dream Rob? You’re kind, you’re humble, you’re dorky in the right way, you’re funny but not “big,” you look like sexy Rob picture above when you want to and when you aren’t performing or needing to impress anyone you look prefectly “I don’t give a crap”-chic because you don’t give a crap. What if you don’t even know what a puka necklace is? Have never heard of the Foo Fighters, know how to pronounce “Bon Iver” correctly and do an amazing version of “Skinny Love” in your sexy, British voice? If you DO live up the expectations, life will be that much more cruel. And I will suddenly become the most avid supporter of Human Cloning the world has ever seen.
The reality is, you will probably never live to the “Rob” in my head. You aren’t just a pretty face to stare at but are a human with flaws. You have flaws no one wants to admit because all we really want you to be is a pretty face to stare at, fantasize about and dream of……. Let’s not ruin the fantasy, shall we? (Well, unless you had another fantasy in mind…..)
Stay away from those pigs,
What do you think? Do you EVER want to meet Rob? Why!? Why not!?
And today… a very special Happy Birthday message
Happy Birthday to our own Janetrigs! Love ya girl!!! XO