In keeping with our Sunday theme of letters on “How I fell for Rob,” I decided to post something not in that theme. So I guess I’m not keeping in the theme, huh?
Dear Rob,
There is a term used at LTR/LTT called second-hand embarrassment. It is basically when a member of the fandom does, says, or even creates, something so pathetic/sad/traumatizing that the entire fan-girl base shudders in a collective cringe.
We have suffered through AmanDUH and Balding Fake Edward’s video love fests, Pattinson Pants Lady’s iconographic fashion statements, and more recently, the terrifying attempt of a mum to essentially pimp her 16 year old daughter out via what I have termed in my own mind: Second Hand Embarrassment Unplugged.
The very same day that the Mum’s unplugged set made me throw up a bit in my mouth, I watched that old interview with you on Tyra. I had seen the bite, but never watched the rest.
As I sat watching you apparently trying to make a slingshot out of a Team Robert g-string and cringing over the fact that you totally told Tyra that your panties had a stain on them…I realized that loving you in general means often suffering from second hand embarrassment.
Think about your fans trying to defend our “Nah-uh Rob Pattinson IS a genius and sex god in human form” stance whilst you get on stage in your ‘Boys to Men’ jacket and publically admit that “there’s a little bit coming out of [your] pants right now”
And what were we to do but blush in embarrassment at your Chris Hansen Alert Cannes comment?
Then there was the time not so long ago when you once again unleashed the verbal [something that might come out of your pants] with yet another Dateline moment referring to your TEEN choice award fans at the hottest hottie twi-hotties or whateveryousaidiwastoobusycringing.
But it’s okay. We love you despite it all (or because of it all). All that I ask is that you give back something in return. Here are my suggestions:
- You wear a t-shirt that “says you love [LTR] so all the world can see”. Then, you pass it around to Sam, Marcus, and Bobby like you would with any fav shirt.
- Declare your love in the best second hand embarrassment move to date by making and wearing your very own Moon and UC Hobo Pants!
- Help poor Chariss Amber out by making a YouTube video response to Momma’s song.
Relax, you don’t have to get Sam Bradley or Bobby Long to write it for you. Here are some lyrics to get your stated. Hint: You can rip the tune off an eighties classic!Oh Chariss! You dont’ have to put on the red light!
Oh Chariss! You don’t have to sell your body to Twilgiht!
I know that I am asking a lot of you. But then again, when you think about it, I am only asking you to do some of the things that your most insane devoted fans have already done for you. Of course, I would totally understand if you aren’t willing to do these things, not from lack of love for us, but because Summit won’t let you. But Moon and UC have really shown their total devotion to you and helped so many others do the same. I just KNOW that you want to give something back so…
- Email UC and Moon a Sex Tape starring YOU and TomStu alone, for them to share exclusively with LTR/LTT readers (except haters…and Stephanie Meyer cause for some reason that just seems wrong. Sorry Steph!) It should begin with you having some stoli and logging on to see what new and exciting things the girls at LTR have come up with today. After that you can just get creative. I trust you.
Can’t wait to see which option you pick!
Letters to Rob 
Oh Rob-Pleeeease pick the sex tape-that would help erase any images I have in my brain of you and a certain mulleted one who shall remain nameless.
By: dazzledtodeath on September 13, 2009
at 9:05 am
I will confess to only having seen three interviews he’s done. I saw Ellen (not embarrassing), I saw Leno (a bit embarrassing, since he exposed his complete lack of auto knowledge and freaked out Heidi Klum), and Tyra, which I had to stop watching when she gave a thong to a sixteen year old boy.
I’ve developed a strategy for live shows: either watch with the sound down, or listen without watching. Apparently I can only handle embarrassment coming from one sense at a time.
By: tiffanized on September 13, 2009
at 9:09 am
IKR?…that’s my strategy too! but i decided no to listen anymore…i just watch it…and in my head i make up the things he is saying…instead of those 2-hand embarrasment i imagine he TOTALLY says things like: i’m a sex god, dod u see the picture where i’m licking anna? did u see how LONG my tongue is? and my fingers when i play the piano? and what they could do to you when…….i have to stop right here cause an image of him and the girl with the mullet came to my head and UGH. i’m a Robsten(yeah i know it sounds lame but its better than KrisBert) shipper but that image just ruined it…RUINED IT!
By: Desii* on September 13, 2009
at 10:04 am
ooohhh, Tiff – you missed THE best part of that Leno interview.
Heidi Klum (being the bitch that she is, apparently she can’t help herself),
kept interrupting our boy with questions as he was trying to answer Leno.
About 3/4 of the way through, she says to him in a sweetly condecending voice:
“So, Robert, your hair, do you deliberately style it that way, what do you do put a lot of gel on it? ” …
Without skipping a beat, Robbie turns to her and says (in his best proper British school boy voice) something to the effect:
“actually, no, it came in the box that way, I just get up in the morning and pop it on”…
bwahahaha.
-H
By: Hermes on September 13, 2009
at 3:48 pm
Ya know…I got thinking the other day (hold on folks this could cause a riff in the space- time continuum.) And it occurred to me that maybe, I said maybe…Rob sucks in life and in the sack. *ducks*
Before you kick me out, hear me out…let’s review the facts:
1. He is the hottest of all mankind to ever grace the planet earth. Ever. Don’t argue with me, he is. Shut it.
2. He reads random, unintelligible literature for fun, is articulate, witty, clever and is clearly, preternaturally smart beyond his years.
3. He is a gifted musician. This is major brownie points from where I sit. Ya either got it, or ya don’t.
I could go on, but here’s the deal…how do we know Rob excels in, uh…other areas. A girl can dream right? Do we have proof? And what about those second-hand embarrassing comments UC has mentioned? Yes, it’s endearing compared to the canned, responses the rest of young Hollywood spews…but what if…he’s serious! What if he is actually a socially dysfunctional, Twi-tourettes inflicted, lame in the game, mullet loving, Non-Edward!!!!!??????
Never mind…I’d still do him.
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 9:13 am
I think it’s been shown that Rob is unfairly gifted in many areas. I’m taking this to mean he is also unfairly gifted in the sack. I would be willing (hell..salivating) to give him the opportunity to prove himself in this area.
By: dazzledtodeath on September 13, 2009
at 9:25 am
ohhh come on girl! don’t kill my quiver…i KNOW he is perfectly gifted in that area…PERFECTLY…buuuut thinking about it..mmm…oh god pluueaseee just NO…but either way i wouldn’t mind to teach him…
By: Desii* on September 13, 2009
at 10:07 am
I am more than happy if Rob is ” actually a socially dysfunctional, Twi-tourettes inflicted, lame in the game, mullet loving, Non-Edward!!!!!??????”
I’ll grow a mullet….
I am not in love with Robward, it is Rob {OK my version of Rob} that I love…. If he is truely lame in the sack…. well no problem I know more than enough to help that one out and boy! oh boy! oh boy! will I enjoy every improvement we make to his ‘skills’!!!!!!
By: Rubytuesday on September 13, 2009
at 10:10 am
I want to be wrong…truly. However, you’re right…some things CAN be taught. I believe I posses the patience for this kind of mentoring.
😉
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 10:15 am
You know, I thought it was already totally established that Rob is nothing whatsoever like Edward: I mean, look at his poise, his clothes, his social skills, his smoking-hotpocketeating-Heinekenswinging habits, his personal hygiene and his taste in mullets? Would Edward ever…? No.
And while I may love Edward a lot, he is a fictional person, and I love Rob too, for being a man in the real world and therefore so much more of a man than Edward.
So don’t worry. While Rob has many excellent sides, he has many deploring habits, and we all love him nevertheless, because, well, we can’t help ourselves! And whether his skills in lovemaking will go down in history as one of his excellent or deploring sides, take heart: some habits can be broken, and some can develop over time. I’m all for teaching Rob the finer points of Italian cooking, speaking French, and a good roll in the hay: just come look me up anytime, Robbie!
By: MariaCecilia on September 13, 2009
at 10:25 am
He’s NOTHING like Edward?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT?!
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 11:06 am
Are you kidding me? Look at Rob as Edward: totally gorgeous, smooth, serious, gentlemanlike. Love it!
Then look at Rob himself: sometimes gorgeous, sometimes REALLY weird-looking, serious one minute, then breaking out in wild neighing laughter, goofy, un-coordinated, a mostly sloppy dresser with bad hair-days – he’s not Edward, he’s a man! A mensch! And I love him for it!
Rob as Edward – melts my heart.
Rob himself – makes my day.
By: MariaCecilia on September 13, 2009
at 11:38 am
Um, perhaps it is too early for sarcasm???………nah.
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 11:12 am
never.
😛
By: lapushbaby on September 13, 2009
at 12:37 pm
@ Proselyte3
(the number #4 reason, Rob is NOT perfect and most important I think to all here is ***drum roll please)
I BETCHA ROB’S PEEN DOSENT SPARKLE!!!
By: Hermes on September 13, 2009
at 3:54 pm
@ Proselyte3**** ALSO, ALSO…
I betcha Rob’s Peen don’t sit up and do the Rumba or Cha Cha Cha.
Peen probably lays their, and says “Give me another Heiniken will you luv, I’m not too motivated “.
By: Hermes on September 13, 2009
at 3:57 pm
*snort* My other sister-wife Hermes brings up another valid point (annnnnd THAT’S what she said!)
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 4:56 pm
I don’t care if he’s not gifted in “that” area. The boy can learn and I will be his teacher.
By: southernbelle on September 13, 2009
at 4:26 pm
and it’s official…. I’m terrified! You see I have often wondered how he could be so obviously perfect in all other ways and still be a raunchy sweaty and illegal in 48 states good time in the sak when he so rocks at everythingf already? It stands to reason that he has to fail at something….. ok, the only way I can sleep at night is if I tell myself he has ugly feet. He has to have hideous frodo baggins feet… it’s the only way that he still has a chance at layin it down in the dumpster… or bedroom, take your pick.
By: aquiredtaste on September 14, 2009
at 8:12 pm
Nope… he has nice feet, too…
By: Nora on September 15, 2009
at 7:58 pm
Or…(and this pains me to admit) the unfair gifting has been brought to balance by cosmic forces by rendering Rob useless where it counts? Please God no!
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 10:05 am
o ye doubting Thomasina—how could you!—all who are truly Robsessed know that this is the perfect MAN (yes, she said that)—<3
By: expat on September 13, 2009
at 10:22 am
Hee hee…can I just say that I LOVE to stir the pot! I really do, love me thru it? 😉
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 11:05 am
Hon..it’s ALL about stirring the pot!!! THAT was whole point of my previous post!!!!!
Lurve you Proselyte3 ❤
By: Rubytuesday on September 13, 2009
at 1:33 pm
Rob can stir my pot anyday! Kisses Ruby. x
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 3:47 pm
for what it’s worth i saw the second part of this infamous interview (first part of which i found really funny: a very impudent lady duels with a savvy londoner) & couldn’t look a second time—those poor girls—:-(
By: expat on September 13, 2009
at 10:26 am
i’m thinking he might need a little more practice in that department but he’s such a good student! look at how he researches roles and so forth! all he needs is a good teacher preferably any LTR lady??
By: adrienne on September 13, 2009
at 10:27 am
Yeah …..it HAS to be one of us ’cause we would totally share the details with each other, after all that’s what being in WannaTapaVampa is all about…. sigh…..how can we get KStew to join?
By: Rubytuesday on September 13, 2009
at 1:37 pm
Yes, watching Rob in interviews has always been a mixed feeling: half the time smiling like silly and half the time hiding behind a pillow, groaning. He has the weirdest things coming out of his mouth sometimes..but of course that is partly what makes him so real, and so loveable. (Look at Taylor Lautner, so smooth, and so uninteresting!)
The Tyra Banks show, though, that was more about her embarrassing herself! Asking Rob to bite her??! Giving strings to Taylor and Rob?? Having young fans smear their faces in pie in front of Rob and Taylor?? Talk about a vain, sadistic b**ch.
Actually, I never got what was so embarrassing about Rob talking about the popcorn starting to come out of his pants at the MTV awards? After all, he had been accepting like a van-load of popcorn that night – it could have started coming out of his shirt, hair or any of his orifices by then… 🙂
By: MariaCecilia on September 13, 2009
at 10:33 am
Can I just say I sincerely pray to God, that Rob says s/t utterly outrageous and inapproriate tonight! Honest. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The day he gets all sophis and polished, I’m out!
What is WITH me today????!!!
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 11:17 am
I’d be lying if I wasn’t hoping for the same thing. As much as I’m looking forward to watching him be his unintentionally swoon-worthy self, I can’t wait to see what sort of horrifying gibberish might explode out of his mouth tonight.
It’s such a human trait, and (I think) one of the things that makes him so endearing.
By: HeyyyBrother on September 13, 2009
at 11:46 am
Absolutely Sister-Wife! I’m also holding out for some sort of wardrobe malfunction. 😛
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 11:56 am
i totally agree. the day he goes all George Clooney he’ll lose everything that makes him Rob. wasn’t it Chris Weitz who said Rob has a wonderful sense of the absurd? and his social clumsiness is what makes him so endearing. the fact that he’s so un-edward only earns him more points in my book.
By: actually... on September 13, 2009
at 1:36 pm
a wonderful sense of the absurd…*le sigh*
By: Proselyte3 on September 13, 2009
at 4:57 pm
I am sure we won’t be disappointed. There is sure to be a wardrobe and a speech malfunction at some point. I wonder if Rob’s agents even try to get him to just be cordial and polite and say ‘thank you’ and get the hell off the stage, or if they just say “Rob, go out there and say something that makes you sound like you just took a hit from the bong and have no idea what in the hell is going on. And giggle. They love it when you giggle”.
Either way, I am waiting with bated breath to see Rob on the VMA’s.
I have butterflies filling my stomach as we speak…
I heart you all
By: lovemesomecullens on September 13, 2009
at 12:17 pm
‘And giggle. they love it when you giggle’ AMEN sis…just AMEN. he HAS to giggle, god he just melts me…can he get any cuter? no he CAN’T.
By: Desii* on September 13, 2009
at 1:00 pm
Definately cannot get any more adorkable, that’s for sure. I just want to give a word of encouragement to those of you out there, pining (that’s suppposed to be pine-ing, no idea how to spell that…) away for Rob. My mother once told me to keep the dream alive, but this was in relation to my obssession with NKOTB, that Elvis married a fan. Priscilla was a nobody, and he married her. So, on this day, I would like for all of you to know, IT CAN HAPPEN! My mother said so. Never give up, Rob will eventually dump the mullet queen, and he will seek out some one of our calliber, someone normal to keep him warm on those cold nights, to heat up his hot pockets and to love him the way she never could. Just sayin’
By: lovemesomecullens on September 13, 2009
at 2:14 pm
@lovemesomecullens – I get your drift and I love it!
By: southernbelle on September 13, 2009
at 4:30 pm
UC/MOOn –
should devote a whole blog to what Rob’s peen is saying, and what it really thinks about all this….
“Letters from Rob’s Peen”…..
Topics: I miss TomStu.
The Mullet’s a real damper.
I wanna wear plaid too.
By: Hermes on September 13, 2009
at 4:01 pm
Oh god… the Tyra video.
Back in the day when my robsession was in it’s infancy, THAT video seriously made me reconsider joining the fandom.
By: confessor on September 13, 2009
at 4:43 pm
I don’t know about you guys but I really would like him to be unpredictable tonight. Adorn something decent and give a straight speech. Thats all..
About sparkle peen? definitely present in all its glory and sparkle, the question is which team does it sparkle for? – I betcha its still in experimentation stage
By: Marie on September 13, 2009
at 6:23 pm
Any one want to play today?
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 1:01 am
Hi Lizzie! Whatcha up to?
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 1:14 am
Hiya E, are you feeling any better today? I’ve got my cranky pants back on today but i think that is mroe to do with the fact it is monday and i am at work, need I sy more?
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 1:19 am
I am feeling better, thanks. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down….
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 1:20 am
AND it is trying to rain here too, see it is all conspiring against me! Good to hear you are feeling better. I was thinking about our chat yesterday on one of us wiritng ff and my vote goes to you E, you are the soulfoul poet amongst us, we would help out with ideas and stuff but i think youa re the one who would craft it into soemthing special I know I don’t have that within in me!
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 1:28 am
That scares me. As much as I would love to write I don’t think I could develop a story with the kind of detail it would need.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 1:30 am
E you are totally queen of the detail! I know what you eman though, i think i would hav to have it completely plotted out have it all sorted before i even wrote a word of dialogue, and that wold take me oh 3 years or so to get there!
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 1:37 am
That’s right. By then do you think Twilight fan fiction will have run its course? lol
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 1:41 am
Oh E, i sinecerely hope I will be over twilight FF by then, i mean how many more “wards” can there be.. besdes i need to get back to reading real stuff for a while
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 1:44 am
Yeah. It probably isn’t healthy to only read ff for years! I am enjoying Jenny’s Study books. Plus I’ve fit a couple other ones in along the way. But the ff has such good stories, romance AND lemons that you don’t get anywhere else.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 1:49 am
I loved thre Study series, what else ahve you read E, I need non FF inspiration!
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 1:57 am
I read a lot of nonfiction. But in fiction I like Elizabeth Berg–I’ve read everything of hers (almost). Debbie Macomber. Ann Patchett. Ann Bashares. I have a few others I follow. Stephenie has some recommended books–some YA fiction that I’ve enjoyed. I have read constantly my whole life and I’ve got so many books I can’t possibly get them all read. Still I go to the library a couple times a week and find new ones. I’m a reading fool. This ff has definitely put a crimp in my reading.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:11 am
I know that feeling E, will gove some of them a try, have heard of a few but haven;t actually read their stuff, always good to ahev options. I think FF will run its course, once all the good stuff has been exhausted i thinki will get over it pretty quickly. Also the waitning for updates kind of kills it a bit for me I am an instant gratification kinda girl!
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:16 am
The waiting is the hardest part once you’ve caught up on a story. Also the ending of a story that you love. I started one last night and got about a quarter of the way into it when I switched to Poughkeepsie. Sometimes you say to yourself, “She wouldn’t do that!” and it loses its reality. I know that’s strange to say when its all fiction/fantasy but there is an integrity of character that still should be followed. A lot of times the author is too young to realize it.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:23 am
I have Poughkipsee wiating to go, think i will read it on the plane, a ncie long one should see me through, what have you thought about it?
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:30 am
You’d better have some others to follow because the chapters are short and go fast. Parts I like but some things seemed to have moved too fast. So/so. Hopefully it will get better.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:35 am
I only saw a couple of stills photos of Rob, Kriten and Tay on stage at the awrds show today, can i say it makes me sad that Rob looks so “over it” these days, it looks like Funrob has ben retired for a while. I get the pressure he is under and figure he had to break eventually but i miss happy rob.
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:23 am
You were reading my mind. I was just going to ask you if you heard how it went. I’ve been thinking about his situation lately. Yes, I think he is over all the newness that being a big name–or a sudden sensation–that he became. Now that he and Kristen have declared themselves I think it changed the dynamic. Plus his daily life is a routine with filming and being able to be with her in the off hours, they can keep out of the public eye together. It is sad to me too, yet we always knew it would eventually happen. All the gidiness is gone and the unexpected. He still will never go all Hollywood so I’m sure we can expect some unscripted moments from him from time to time.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:31 am
I know, I know, but still, I just want happy Rob back, I mean normally gettin some Rob is particularly happy rob and now it all just seems so hard, trying to keep it all out of the public eye and all (and with attacking sreaming people chasing your every move trust me i do understand) but i think we have sort of lost “innocent” rob as you said, def worls weary rob is here for a while . *insert really big sad face panda*
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:37 am
So true. A sad day for us all. We SHOULD be seeing him smiling and happy if he’s being satisfied!
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:40 am
as much as i REALLY hate to say it, YES Kstew if you get to do him at least keep him satisfied we want smirkinggettinitrob back
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:43 am
Could he be bored already?
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:47 am
I like your logic E, that has put a smile on my face! I am def going to go with your theory.
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:49 am
Always hopeful! lol
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:51 am
Oh and what happened to the Mr Horrible update, it doesn’t exist *big sad face panda*
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:27 am
Yeah, what was that all about??? I went to read it and it was the same chapter even though the date says it was updated yesterday. Boooo.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:33 am
I don’t know but i have been waiting for it to update, hope it is fixed soon, she must be close *crosses fingers*
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:41 am
When do you leave on your trip?
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:42 am
5 weeks, flying out 17 Oct, can’t get here quick enough, I need the holiday pretty bad, my increasingly frequent cranky pants moods are a pretty good guage that i do need a break! So looking forward to meeting you all and that includes you E.
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:46 am
I really wish I could Lizzie. Are you marking each day off on the calendar?
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 2:50 am
no still too far out for that, besides you know me i would pribably be using the wrong month (or year), that would nto be unheard of for me. I am quite determined E about meeting up, i may be trying to cook something up to make sure it happens, just giving you warning
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 2:52 am
Hmmmmm.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 3:00 am
i love it when i freak you out… you are safe so far, the ingredients are still being sifted and concocted to see if i can pull it off first.
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 3:01 am
and on that sad face rob i will leave you to gst through a few more chapters and hopefully mr horrible update
should be able to pop in for a little min or two tomorrow
night E!
By: Lizzie on September 14, 2009
at 3:03 am
OK Lizzie. See you tomorrow. Have a good night.
By: EyeC on September 14, 2009
at 3:06 am