Posted by: Bekah | September 6, 2009

How I fell for Robert Pattinson: With the help of a pig-nose

Last week we introduced “How I fell for Rob Pattinson” Sundays (cuz we like to start series and then forget about them). But look at us! We’re doing it again. Enjoy the following story. We did:

Hufflepuff resident? Or God in human form?

Hufflepuff resident? Or God in human form?

Dear Rob,

Rob. Robert. Robbie. You know how I love you? Like, a lot? Well, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, for a long time, I preferred… a FRENCH MAN. I know, I know, it shocks me too. But there’s some background to get through first. We’ll get to Mr. Ulliel in good time.

I got into the Twilight game pretty early. March of last year. But my friends, they’ve been in it since the beginning. I was constantly berated with “isn’t Edward great?” and “aren’t you so excited that New Moon is coming out?” and “well, it’s about a… vampire, who falls in love with this girl… but it’s way better than it sounds, I swear! You have to read it!” constantly and, honestly, I had no interest in this lame book about VAMPIRES IN LOVE seemingly designed as a plot to make teenagers keep it in their pants. I wasn’t much of a casual reader anyway. When you were casted as their messiah, their beloved Edward, I had to sit through hour-long (sometimes longer) debates about why you were wrong and someone else was right. It was always “Cedric? Really, Summit? CEDRIC FUCKING DIGGORY?” and all I could say was “he seemed pretty hot to me in that movie…” always countered with “PSSH. Like you even know. Edward’s not ‘hot.’ Edward Cullen is perfect, god in human form, etc., etc.”

So then I got tired of always being the Cullen-ignorant fifth wheel, and decided to read that stupid book just to get it out of the way and probably laugh about it later. Then, well, you know the rest. I finished up to Eclipse in 5 days to a chorus of “I told you so”s and fell in love with this story (which isn’t really about vampires… not real ones, anyway) about the truest of true loves and with Edward Cullen, an intelligent, courteous, romantic guy the likes of which I had never dreamed of. I hadn’t had a lot of examples of a “good man” in my life. Suddenly, Cedric Diggory seemed obsolete. Suddenly “hot” wasn’t good enough anymore.

Heroin-ward

Heroin-ward

That’s where Gaspard Ulliel enters the picture. To me, he WAS Edward Cullen. I’m ashamed to say this, but I even had a picture of him open on my desktop so that while I read and reread the series, I could look up and Edward would be staring back at me. (Never mind that this picture was from Hannibal Rising and featured a noose, he sort of had a crooked smile goddammit!) I stubbornly refused Stephenie’s “no one over 23 as Edward” policy and virtually boycotted the movie. Besides the only picture of you that I ever cared to look at was that icky, heroin-chic picture you took with SM and Kristen, and I wasn’t having that. I figured I would just end up being one of those holier-than-thou snobby types who wouldn’t watch the movie and take solace that I had remained “pure” and kept my own Edward in my head.

I was pretty successful for a long time. One by one, my friends succumbed to you and accepted you with all of your mop-headed, grungy-musician, self-deprecating, British charm, but I held my ground. Until I saw Penelope. Not the movie, that sucked big time, but I was with my friends and the only reason they got it was to watch the Twilight extra, and watch it we did. Then I cried. Big time. All snot and blubbering on my best friend’s mom’s old floral print couch. And it wasn’t because I was disappointed or because I lamented my poor Gaspard, all holed up somewhere in France without a New Moon script in his hands, it was because you were flawless. The scene was flawless. Even though it wasn’t in the book, it should’ve been. It was awkward but emotionally heated. Comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. The way that Kristen looked at your lips as you danced and the way you were so nervous (I assume because you were worried she wouldn’t accept you or would think you strange and old-fashioned, maybe) and the way you got your dazzle on at the end. Perfect. And I was gone. Gone for good.

You knew the character. You were, ahem, a very… very attractive young man. You were smart and funny and humble and a musician. All of that and something else. Some intangible Robness that only you, Robert Thomas Pattinson, possess. Something that makes you attractive even while drunk, with a beard, or dressed in clothes that you most likely found in a dumpster behind a thrift store. Something that makes you pretty much infallible to all of us.

"  "

"I fell for Rob b/c of a scene buried in the special features of a crappy movie about a girl with a pig snout that isn't even redeemed w/ the addition of James McAvoy"

And whether you like it or not, Rob, I’m in it for the long haul. I fell because of that scene buried in the special features of some crappy movie about a girl with a pig snout that isn’t even redeemed with the addition of James McAvoy and now I can stay up until ridiculous hours of the night watching videos centered around two rather large pieces of hair residing above your eyes. And I feel deprived if I’m away from the internet for a few days because I miss essential Rob news. And I even know that your other sister, the one no one cares about, is named Victoria. But I swear, it’s totally normal. You just kind of have that effect on people. Really, it’s your fault.

Love, Significantly Insignificant

Why yes, that IS a new Rob Pattinson picture up top. Thanks Robsessed! And Clare Pattinson….

Keep sending in your hilariously, wonderful stories of falling for Rob!

The go to The Forum
And LTT will be loads of fun too!

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Responses

  1. UC, what a lovely post today! I will gladly step aside so YOU can have Rob all to yourself. That’s what friends are for.
    PS: Thanks to all who were involved in the new, gorgeous picture. Love it!

    • I just re-read this, and therein realized that I frigged it all up. I thought UC wrote the letter. I’m hoping this behavior is excused because A. I wrote it on a Sunday morning while someone outside the Twi-world was talking to me about cell phone minutes (that is, bugging me with boring shit while I was trying to read about a teenage vampire) and B. I was momentarily stunned by the solar hotness that is Rob. Apologies to both UC and the actual author of a fabulous letter. xo PS: I take back what I said about stepping aside

  2. Love the Rob photo at the top.

    This is totally off topic but to me it always seemed that Hufflepuff was the dumping grounds for the students who were unacceptional.

    Is that just me being mean or what?

    Oh and that Gaspard Ulliel guy is flippin’ beautiful!

    • Holy Christ. I do love Rob in a completely unnormal borderline obsessive kinda way that at times makes me happy and at times makes me worried that I should seek professional help and possibly seek hot guys I actually have a chnace with but that Gaspard fella is smokin. Way smokin. He’s like surface of the sun hot.

      Rob knows(in my head anyway) That I love him the bestest but I’m going to take this time to send a “How You Doin?” out to Gaspard. I know we’ve just met but I have this really cool thing I’d like to show you. It’s down this alley, yeah right there behind that dumpster.

  3. And that is how Rob works…he’s sneaky like that.

    You go from being your own ‘strong independent woman’ to someone whose first daily activity on a Sunday morning is checking a celebrity-love-blog. (an awesome one though!)

    Damn you Robert Pattinson.

    Occassionally I fool myself that I might be starting to get over Rob. Mainly I do this when I realize that its 11 pm and I still have tons of unfinished work to do but have just reached my Gold Anniversay mark of watching a particular Rob Pattinson youtube vid.

    Just when I reach that point, ROB ATTACKS again with additional ‘evidence’ of his hotness such as the set of photos that came out yesterday which prove to me 3 things:

    1. Rob KNOWS what he is doing to us ladies. You can see it in his face. We can no longer think that he is innocent.

    2. The photographer who took these (regardless of gender) was either somehow wearing a straightjacket while working or ended up trying to atttack Rob in pure lust. There are no other possibilities.

    3.I am now certain that my professional and home life will not recover for at least another six or seven months or longer.

    • ” Damn you Robert Pattinson ”

      exactly

  4. So…..I am a bit daft, have I got this correct?….the Penelope DVD had an extended trailer on it, and it was the scene in the bedroom, where Robward is all kinds of cute…..”I don’t sleep”…….”not at all”……”Debusssy, I don’t know”…..”You really shouldn’t have siad that”……

    *sighs*

    No wonder you fell in love……

    xx

    • Yeah, you’ve got it right. It isn’t even my favorite scene in the movie, but when I saw it, I literally fell apart on that couch, and all was revealed to me. So technically, that scene would be a gateway drug leading to the much harsher, much more addictive Rob substances found all over this site, right? Sounds good to me.

      On a different note, I’m so beyond happy that this was posted. The completely deluded thought that SM might actually come upon something that I’ve written is outside the realm of my imagination. I’m glad that you guys liked my letter, and even more glad that you all “get it.” So few people do.

  5. I loved the picture captions — especially the Hufflepuff one … RIP Cedric, “the boy foolish enough to wander somewhere with Harry Potter in the final pages of the book”!

    I liked the statement that Edward was an example of a good man in her life, so true! Great letter, Significantly Insignificant πŸ™‚

  6. Why is it that I can NEVER leave a comment here without there being some sort of snafu??? I actually just left a comment on another post by accident. I am such a waste of space today…

    Anyhoo, the long arm of the law seems to be all panties-in-a-bunch (and not the good fan-fic way) over the use of those Interview outtakes and I’ve been told blogs are being shut down. Just FYI…

    : (

  7. First post for me *waves* and i only really discovered this place like a week ago or something, right around the time i realised my Rob-Love.

    I love these posts, all of it always being so true… it’s sneaky and it did take over my internet/film viewing pleasure like nothing else ever has before!

    Great letter πŸ™‚
    samrosey xo

  8. OMG he’s drop dead gorgeous!

    I’ve been trying very hard to curb my Robsession. Everytime I make headway, I see or hear him and I fall for him all over again. I’ve been bewitched with a powerful spell, from which I have no hope of being freed from.

  9. That first pic of Rob… holy hell (Hale). He looks a little angry. And A LOT sexy. Thanks for sharing, girls. πŸ™‚

    • LOVE new Rob pics – that one is A-mazing!

  10. awwww great letter!!

    i hear ya about not really thinking he’d fit the part. i originally pictured *cough* tom stu and gaspard as well..
    when i saw pics of him, i thought, ok, maybe he can pull it off.. i mean, he was hot in HP4..

    and then i saw rob as edward and knew that he was the one..
    ❀

  11. “You knew the character. You were, ahem, a very… very attractive young man. You were smart and funny and humble and a musician. All of that and something else. Some intangible Robness that only you, Robert Thomas Pattinson, possess. Something that makes you attractive even while drunk, with a beard, or dressed in clothes that you most likely found in a dumpster behind a thrift store. Something that makes you pretty much infallible to all of us.”

    yep. that pretty much sums up my feelings about Rob. great letter!
    although, I kinda liked Penelope. *hides*

  12. Seriously… I wasn’t going to see the movie, I was one of those pure Twilighters… the holier than thou type. I saw the posters and was like pffffttt…. go back to HP… natch.

    Then…. I was unceremoniously dragged by my best friend after she had seen it 4 times…. and as soon as he walked into that cafeteria… it was like the muscles in my mid section melted… i had trouble staying upright. I LITERALLY sat on the floor in front of my seat when “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you’ occured.

    All hail Robward….

  13. Le sigh. Here I was, thinking the lack of new Rob pics was going to give me some respite.

    Then, not only do you guys come up with a *new* pic, but bring up Gaspard as well! Damn you all.
    Then I started thinking about who I had wanted to play Edward (which I’m sure has been a topic before, but hell!) and lost myself in dreamland for a good 20mins… not very productive of me. Ben Whishaw was up there. I also wanted to see Jensen Ackles as one of the Volturi (I thought he’d make a good Felix) but that’s probably more about me being completely in love with Dean Winchester, and not about sound casting advice…

    • Aww I love Jensen Ackles! But I love Sam Winchester more. Sam would have been probably be a good werewolf. πŸ™‚ OT but I think Supernatural is ending soon :-(.

  14. I don’t want you to get into trouble UC.. aren’t they trying to close down blogs using those pictures?

  15. Any LOTN around?

  16. I’ve given up hope of ever getting over him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s totally desperate. I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to have so much love/lust for a man I will never meet, but I can’t help myself. I’m not even sure i enjoy it anymore, it’s just a compulsion! A sexy, messy, chisled-featured, come-to-bed eyed, crooked smiled complusion. Is there some sort of Robert Pattinson Anonymous I could attend? RPA? I need it. Please help me!

  17. That’s why I started reading the books! That scene before Penelope! πŸ™‚

  18. Aww, what a great letter.

    Don’t want to cause trouble, but blogs are getting C&D’s for those Interview pictures, and some are getting shut down. Just a warning. Wouldn’t want it happening to you girls.

  19. OMG!! I am so honored to be included in the OG’s that first found (and secretly wanted to keep all to myself b/c I thought you really were Rob) your awesome blog! I have met so many awesome people thru my love*obsession* of all things Twi/Rob and I am so glad you decided to share your love*obsession* with the world πŸ™‚

  20. Rob,

    Would you suck my cock with those pouty lips of yours? You look so gay.


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