Last week we introduced “How I fell for Rob Pattinson” Sundays (cuz we like to start series and then forget about them). But look at us! We’re doing it again. Enjoy the following story. We did:
Rob. Robert. Robbie. You know how I love you? Like, a lot? Well, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, for a long time, I preferred… a FRENCH MAN. I know, I know, it shocks me too. But there’s some background to get through first. We’ll get to Mr. Ulliel in good time.
I got into the Twilight game pretty early. March of last year. But my friends, they’ve been in it since the beginning. I was constantly berated with “isn’t Edward great?” and “aren’t you so excited that New Moon is coming out?” and “well, it’s about a… vampire, who falls in love with this girl… but it’s way better than it sounds, I swear! You have to read it!” constantly and, honestly, I had no interest in this lame book about VAMPIRES IN LOVE seemingly designed as a plot to make teenagers keep it in their pants. I wasn’t much of a casual reader anyway. When you were casted as their messiah, their beloved Edward, I had to sit through hour-long (sometimes longer) debates about why you were wrong and someone else was right. It was always “Cedric? Really, Summit? CEDRIC FUCKING DIGGORY?” and all I could say was “he seemed pretty hot to me in that movie…” always countered with “PSSH. Like you even know. Edward’s not ‘hot.’ Edward Cullen is perfect, god in human form, etc., etc.”
So then I got tired of always being the Cullen-ignorant fifth wheel, and decided to read that stupid book just to get it out of the way and probably laugh about it later. Then, well, you know the rest. I finished up to Eclipse in 5 days to a chorus of “I told you so”s and fell in love with this story (which isn’t really about vampires… not real ones, anyway) about the truest of true loves and with Edward Cullen, an intelligent, courteous, romantic guy the likes of which I had never dreamed of. I hadn’t had a lot of examples of a “good man” in my life. Suddenly, Cedric Diggory seemed obsolete. Suddenly “hot” wasn’t good enough anymore.
That’s where Gaspard Ulliel enters the picture. To me, he WAS Edward Cullen. I’m ashamed to say this, but I even had a picture of him open on my desktop so that while I read and reread the series, I could look up and Edward would be staring back at me. (Never mind that this picture was from Hannibal Rising and featured a noose, he sort of had a crooked smile goddammit!) I stubbornly refused Stephenie’s “no one over 23 as Edward” policy and virtually boycotted the movie. Besides the only picture of you that I ever cared to look at was that icky, heroin-chic picture you took with SM and Kristen, and I wasn’t having that. I figured I would just end up being one of those holier-than-thou snobby types who wouldn’t watch the movie and take solace that I had remained “pure” and kept my own Edward in my head.
I was pretty successful for a long time. One by one, my friends succumbed to you and accepted you with all of your mop-headed, grungy-musician, self-deprecating, British charm, but I held my ground. Until I saw Penelope. Not the movie, that sucked big time, but I was with my friends and the only reason they got it was to watch the Twilight extra, and watch it we did. Then I cried. Big time. All snot and blubbering on my best friend’s mom’s old floral print couch. And it wasn’t because I was disappointed or because I lamented my poor Gaspard, all holed up somewhere in France without a New Moon script in his hands, it was because you were flawless. The scene was flawless. Even though it wasn’t in the book, it should’ve been. It was awkward but emotionally heated. Comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. The way that Kristen looked at your lips as you danced and the way you were so nervous (I assume because you were worried she wouldn’t accept you or would think you strange and old-fashioned, maybe) and the way you got your dazzle on at the end. Perfect. And I was gone. Gone for good.
You knew the character. You were, ahem, a very… very attractive young man. You were smart and funny and humble and a musician. All of that and something else. Some intangible Robness that only you, Robert Thomas Pattinson, possess. Something that makes you attractive even while drunk, with a beard, or dressed in clothes that you most likely found in a dumpster behind a thrift store. Something that makes you pretty much infallible to all of us.
And whether you like it or not, Rob, I’m in it for the long haul. I fell because of that scene buried in the special features of some crappy movie about a girl with a pig snout that isn’t even redeemed with the addition of James McAvoy and now I can stay up until ridiculous hours of the night watching videos centered around two rather large pieces of hair residing above your eyes. And I feel deprived if I’m away from the internet for a few days because I miss essential Rob news. And I even know that your other sister, the one no one cares about, is named Victoria. But I swear, it’s totally normal. You just kind of have that effect on people. Really, it’s your fault.
Love, Significantly Insignificant
Why yes, that IS a new Rob Pattinson picture up top. Thanks Robsessed! And Clare Pattinson….
Keep sending in your hilariously, wonderful stories of falling for Rob!