I’m kind of annoyed at you. Sure, it’s probably because you’re being selfish and staying indoors instead of coming out and having new photos taken for me to pine over, but mostly it is because you seem to be complaining a lot. You told Premiere magazine:
“I haven’t found one place in the world yet where I could disappear…” “When friends ask you to meet up, you have to tell them, ‘Sorry, I can’t go to that place,’ because you know the photographers will be waiting for you…”
DUDE. You’re FAMOUS. You’re not going to STOP being FAMOUS anytime soon and you’re not the only FAMOUS person in this world. So go out, wave hi to the paps & DEAL WITH IT for a few weeks. Eventually, they’ll get bored and realize how truly boring you are. You’ll hear thickly accented whispers of “Really? He’s reading an extremely boring existential book again?” or “Can’t he wear something different? No one will believe that this picture was taken on a different day. He’s lowering my asking price.” And eventually, once they realize you are not going to start feeling Kristen up in public, they’ll leave you alone and you’ll just have to deal with the occasional pap snapping a flash in your face anytime you change your clothes. (So basically once every 2-3 weeks.)
This dude wrote an article that had a ton of people up in arms. I laughed. I thought he was funny, “Being rich, famous and sexy is a drag…” That’s funny right there. He asked around at his local pub (in England) if anyone knew who you were- the majority didn’t. He argued that’s because they were all over the age of 18. I argue differently. Here at LTR, we’ve proven to you time and time again that your fans (your most dedicated fans) are hot, sexy NORMAL and definitely over 18 (and by normal I mean like PattinsonPants lady & TammyO), so I think the England pub-goers didn’t know who you were because…GASP not everyone does. I run a blog about you and I bet if I did an experiment amongst my friends, the majority wouldn’t recognize you from a picture.
But the reality is we live in a little Twilight/Rob bubble. And you do too- and in our bubble everyone knows everything about you. They know you’re in Vancouver. And they know where you’ll be next (my house), and so you may feel like you can’t escape. But you can. Moon and I put our heads together and came up with a few places we know you won’t be recognized:
- The local VFW on Bingo night. Pro: Beers are $2.00. Con: They only have domestic, but you’ll live.
- The corner deli: where Abu will have NO clue who you are and you can read your Independent People in peace (plus pick up a little curry chicken surprise!)
- Montana* (Cuz who goes there?)
- Moon’s Grandma’s house. You may have to pull a couple weeds and find her cross stitch, but she makes a mean Chocolate Creme Pie and has a recliner. You could nap.
- The NASCAR races. They won’t give a shit about you there. Spoiler alert: Cars drive around in circles. There. Now you know. And you can just sit & relax (possibly nap- the sound of the cars whooshing by is quite calming) and finish some pretentious book. (Plus you already have the perfect T-shirt)
- Myanmar (Burma): Basically the whole country is censored. I bet you no one has seen Twilight yet
- Isle Esme: cause its a real place but everyone thinks it’s fictional. See ya there!
While you escape to one of the before-mentioned places, you should reevaluate your life and your fear of everything but hot pockets & wearing sweaty, day-old shirts of your friends and think about who is more famous than you. And then consider how you could use their fame to your advantage.
- Start a rumor about a new Brangelina baby. We could ask Zephyersky to photo-shop another baby bump on Angelina.
- Set Jen Aniston up on a date. You could even eat at the same restaurant that night. No one would care.
- Throw a big party and invite the JoBros, Zac & Vanessa, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift and then don’t show up. You’ll have a whole hour of paparazzi-free peace (that is until Miley decides to strip & the JoBros leave to repent from their lust)
- Offer to babysit Jon & Kate’s kids while they go out and buy more Ed Hardy t-shirts. (after being with that many kids the paparazzi might not seem so bad)
So Rob, get over yourself and your fear of everything. Start to fear things normal people fear- like girls with mullets & 4 year old blue sweaters. And show your face this weekend and look extra hot so I forgive you.
A Cullen Smile for this Friday: This article discusses how Rob is a prisoner of the paparazzi, and says:
Because of the paparazzi, the star has been unable to interact with his many fans.
Are you laughing? Good. Cuz that’s funny… thinking that Rob wants to interact with his many fans….
Are you “over” Rob’s fear of the paps? Is it different than any other famous person? Where ELSE can Rob escape to?
*I was gonna apologize to those of you who are from Montana. But then I remembered I suggested that Rob visit you. So I take back my apology