Posted by: Bekah | August 24, 2009

What if Rob wasn’t famous: the Wedding crasher edition

robweddingcrasher

Dress shirt. Check. Loose Tie. Check. Dancing Shoes. Check. Bridesmaids here I come.

Dear Rob,

This weekend I was thinking about you or, I should say, the lack of you we’ve had this past week. My mind started wandering to thoughts of my life if you weren’t in it. What would I do? Who would I talk to? How would I get myself out of bed each morning? Then I remembered you aren’t actually in my life (and that’s the reason why this morning’s letter is being penned from the comfort of my bed- I’m not getting out.)

But, seriously, what if you weren’t famous? What if you weren’t “in” my life? What if you were just a regular, ol’ joe schmo, run-of-the-mill, average, every-day, ordinary very attractive British guy? We’ve explored the myspace profile you’d be sure to have if you still lived with Claire & Dick, and I took a guess as to what your life might be like as the “Nacho-Man” at a tropical resort, but what if you surprised us all, and instead of being the star of a few $10,000 budget films & the lead in a sub-par movie version of an amazing book, you were, as your picture shown here suggests, a wedding crasher?

I think there are few non-negotiable qualities of a successful wedding crasher, and I’m pretty sure they all apply to you. Such as: Be very attractive (I don’t have to convince anyone that you’ve got this down); Be the ‘life of the party’ (aka: Drunk Rob. You at your best); Be a fast-thinking, smooth talker (Whoops- okay, in your case we’re just gonna say that you being the ‘life of the party’ (aka Drunk Rob) is why the father of the bride, after he asks how you know the couple, doesn’t question you when you say you’re the “father of the bride’s, only brother’s, nephew” and instead laughs, smacks your ass and tells you you’re funny and sends you on your way). I know, I know. You’re a young, hot guy and weddings are full of hormonal, single gals looking to catch the bouquet and snatch up a man and tie him down, but I can’t help but notice that the very essence of a wedding seems like such a fit for you. You’d be the perfect wedding crasher.

Seriously, Rob. Just picture this: You’re alter ego is Paul Johnson, podiatrist. You hit 5-8 weddings a month and….

  • You get to bang bridesmaids
  • You eat free food and all the little miniature wiener dogs your heart desires
  • You drink never-ending free booze. No need to drink cheap beer when Grey Goose is free flowing.
  • You sing a tune or two- the band always takes a break mid-evening. You jump on stage, grab the mic & try out your latest song, dedicating it to the bride. You know from experience that if no bridesmaids have revealed an interest in the banging yet, they will after you’re done.
  • You give romantic speeches. You’ve read about that guy Edward Cullen. The bride always knows about Edward. She thinks she’s marrying ‘her’ Edward, so you know how to bring the audience to tears with all the “you’re my life nows” and”So the Lion fell in love with lambs” that the crowd can handle. (Don’t forget to throw in a laugh with a “Buttcrack Santa” joke about the honeymoon for those Christmas weddings)
  • You nuzzle Nana’s bosom- and you know at that point in the night you’re feeling really good….
  • You always have easy access to all the unhappy, drunk MILFs and Cougars. They love you even if you’ve maybe had one Grey Goose too many and have scared away that bridesmaid who was so interested in talking about the names of your future children. But don’t worry- those experienced MILFs and Cougars are happy to tend to a young, hot thing since their old, not hot thing of a husband disappeared hours ago to watch the “game” in the bar down the hall.
  • And you sneer at the flower girl just for being a child. And for being in your way. And for causing you to spill your Grey Goose & tonic. And for hanging all over her Aunt Stacey, all night long, who happens to be the hottest chick in the room.
robdrunk

This is what Rob looks like when TomStu leaves him alone with a Nana

Now what is there that’s not to like? What is there that is un-Roblike? Banging hot chicks, eating free processed food, drinking free booze, singing, acting, dancing with cougars, sneering at children….. sounds like Rob to me! In fact, this sounds so much like you that I’m wondering if I didn’t make this up and you really were a wedding crasher before you got the Twilight audition. Furthermore, you and TomStu used to be seen together much more. Was he your wing man? Has the Bromance faded because he’s still trying to swing the wedding crasher lifestyle but has realized you really were his ticket to all the hot bridesmaids, MILFs and Cougars and now only the Nana’s are interested in him?

I have so many questions: Do you ever accidentally add an extra hop during the Cha-Cha-Slide? Do you sing out loud to “You shook me all night long?” What’s your favorite Daddy/Daughter dance? Is it Butterfly Kisses? Do you get the key change right during “Livin’ on a Prayer’ every time? What are you like during “Shout?” Do you go low?

All I know is Rob Pattinson, wedding crasher, has a nice ring to it, and I’d be happy to do the “Cha-Cha-Slide” with you any day….. (say it: ________________)

Slide to the left,
UnintendedChoice

Discuss bad wedding music over on The Forum
See what Moon has to brighten your Monday on LTT

Thanks to Calliope for this idea & you need to come home from Italy NOW b/c I laugh a lot less when you’re gone x

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Responses

  1. I am just cranky cause if i had thought of it i could have made a fortune. Bet pattinson pants is out there trying to get a trademark as we speak.

    • Maybe…

    • Always with the ideas for the money tree…

      • Speaking of that thing…..COME ON ROB! Quit holding out on us!! lol

        • He must have those seeds tucked away somewhere.

          • I nominate you to find where he has them “tucked” LOL!!

          • Would that I could!

          • LOL!

          • We are quite funny with ourselves, aren’t we? lol

          • Oh yes! We are AWESOME!

          • How I wish he would join in with the banter! Just being silly feels so good.

          • It’s so much fun! I’m enjoying myself.

          • You know we’ve been at this a lot of months now. It really is a friendship.

            I was thinking again today about those who have moved on. I really miss Vogue. She was one of the early girls and I think about her whenever I read in any fanfic about grooming of the kitty. lol I was listening to Ben E. King’s Stand By Me tonight and remembered the video she had on her site with people singing it from all over the planet. Loved that.

          • Aww…Vogue!! And I miss Byrdie!

          • Her name was right on my lips. I wonder if that BD video ever got put up. I wonder how her trip to Brazil went (she was going down the week we were meeting up here). I wonder if she ever thinks about Rob anymore. I wonder if she got anymore acting jobs. I wonder if she ever reads LTR anymore. Miss her a lot.

          • So many questions! I was wondering about that BD thing too.

          • Maybe she’ll stop back by sometime. She has 3 kids starting school again. It freaks me out still that classes start so early.

  2. You know, I feel like I fit in better w/ my little alien gravatar thing. It’s kinda nice. lol

    • We’re all staying pretty anonymous.

      • yep yep

  3. I’m sure she will. Eventually. I fogot she had 3 kids. I remembered she had kids, just not how many.

  4. I’ve got a long letter I need to write to this friend from high school and I can’t seem to fit it into my busy schedule. lol I want to write it but it’s going to be intense and I need a clear head but I’m still reading all this fanfic that I’m addicted to. I keep wanting more and more happy endings.

    I wrote the other night and at the end went on about the fanfic since she had read all of Twilight but I think she wasn’t ready to hear about it. You do have to be ready. lol Oops! I’m not sure she had even read Midnight Sun yet. Now she’s going to think I’m a little weird. Guess I just got so comfortable being on here. lol

    • Haha! I want happy endings too! FF is definitely a personal choice. lol It’s important that you start with the right story too. Otherwise it can really ruin the experience. I made a joke the other night when I was out with my sister and no one got it b/c, duh, none of them are on LTR! LOL I don’t remember what it was.

      • LOL! I know, people just don’t get us. It did take a while to get in the groove here with my thinking and just springing it on someone is not a good idea!

        I wrote up about 7 of them but didn’t give any links so she would have to ask. I started with WA because by the time you get into anything too heavy you’re alreadt hooked on the story. I thought Only Human would be good for someone starting off because it fit into BD so well and could have been part of the story. Plus the sex is gentle. I did mention The Office even though it’s so hot so fast but the stary is turning out so beautifully. Then TOV because of the music and the emailing–beautiful words. Holding Out For You because of the kids and the completed story that is 50 chapters, so full character development. Breakfast at Tiffany’s because it’s romantic but with a good story. Then LYLS/ALE even though that is full of sex, but it’s a good vamp story. And finally Creature of Habit, also a good vamp story.

        Come to think of it, there aren’t any that don’t have lemons! oh dear!

        • Haha! The lemons are the best part! And it takes WA a while to get there…lol

          • What would we do without lemons?

          • Cry and cry and cry. That’s all I can think of. lol (that reminds me that someone better get some action in HL5 soon!)

          • I still have to read that in a bit. Just finishing up Piano Lessons to date, then it will be one slow chapter at a time. That’s a looong time of reading HL5 for there not to be any action yet.

  5. You’re so right! I’m trying to finish CWAIA! Finally! lol

    • Oh yes, that one is moving right along. lol

      I’m near the end of this chapter and I don’t want it to end ’cause I’ll be waiting for the next update. These two are throwing barbs filled with innuendo back and forth at each other while sitting at a dinner party–hilarious and frustrating both.

      • Why do we torture ourselves w/ this??? It’s awful! lol

        • That’s right. He just kissee her—finally!!! It was driving me crazy! Sometimes you just want to slap them! lol

          • haha! I hate that! lol

          • And yes, wanting to slap them happens often.

          • Yeah. I had to go back and reread that last scene again. lol

  6. Alright EyeC, I finally finished and I need to get to bed. I have class in a few hours! Talk to you tonight! Sweet Dreams.

    • See you later. Sweet dreams back atcha! Night.

  7. […] -we consider, yet again, what if weren’t famous but were, instead, a wedding crasher? […]


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