Yes there’s gossip about Robsten. Yes Rob kissed some stupid blonde at a circus. Yes Rob wore the same outfit twice this week. We don’t care. We want to discuss The Bad Mother’s Handbook.
Do you remember when we confessed to being the worst Rob Pattinson fans ever because we only saw Harry Potter (before we liked him) and Twilight? Well, we’ve been feeling guilty, so we decided to watch all his movies & review them for all our loyal readers. You’re welcome. Enjoy the following conversation we had while watching Rob’s parts in The Bad Mother’s Handbook (or as UC keeps calling it, at first accidentally and then afterwards for fun- cuz it’s hilar: The Bad Mother’s Handjob)
(We watched the whole movie, but this vid shows just Rob’s parts. Watch it and read along, after the jump)
UC: Lemme pull it up (that’s what she said)
Moon: gotta start off a good break down with a that’s what she said
UC: Okay, he’s from gillford- let’s research that
Moon: 6 form? that’s the grade they’re in
UC: let’s research that too. Guildford is in surrey- (which is the dodgy part)
Moon: 6-form can be from ages 16-18
UC: Weird. why don’t they have normal school
Moon: but dude, from the first scene on he looks SOOOO tall and lanky- he’s tall for an actor but he’s not THAT tall
UC: why do they make him cover his face?
Moon: is the camera guy short?
UC: cuz when you don’t see his face, he seems SO dorky and nast. Then you see it and you realize he’s gorgeous
Moon: Is that normal in the UK? You get like a school buddy?
Moon: can you imagine getting rob as a school buddy?! “um yea lemme show you the back alley where we can make out”
UC: i would borrow his pencil…. all the time (that’s what she said)
Moon: or the closet in the choir room- show him THE LOO
No Friends (0:14)
UC: awkward turtle. Poor Daniel. Having a bad week
Moon: seriously!? “I WAS JUST PRETENDING TO BE PART OF YOUR CONVERSATION”
UC: cuz his mom cheated on his dad
Moon: I died when I saw that part the first time- I wanted to hug daniel
UC: not even the special kind of hug (although I wanted that too) but just give him a hug and be his friend
Moon: parents cheating, made you move to some school, your school buddy’s a slut and knocked up
UC: and won’t talk to you :( He needs to come to America (where we have normal school) I can show him what America has to offer
Moon: who’s the dude he mentions? George foreman?
UC: george Forman? Jinx
Moon: as in the grills? He loves eliminating the fat from his burgers
Moon: I think its the musician the old ladies end up listening to
UC: George Formby
Moon: OHHH that explains his air guitar thing later– George Formby sr “performed in the EDWARDIAN music halls”
UC: um coincidence?
Moon: NOPE- nothing ever is
The first Kiss (0:34)
UC: aw! Does he say f*ck it? Or bucket?
Moon: NO! TUCKIT
UC: YES YES YES
Moon: its all intertwined
UC: he’s red in his cute face
Moon: so dude can you imagine this nerd boy bringing you flowers and chocolate AT SCHOOL!? 1st hand embarrassing
UC: He says “sexual aroused” then KISS! Oh! his face… He always looks pained when kissing. And he has PERFECT skin! It’s flawless
Moon: and SOOO tall when he walks out
UC: Why does he always look so pained? Do you think he gets painful erections?
UC: his Feet ARE HUGE
Moon: yea cause he’s waddling
UC: The principle videographer is short, clearly. He’s NOT that tall!
Moon: the DOOR thing!
UC: so daniel- such a daniel thing to do
Moon: can we take 2 seconds to talk about her hair? The weird stringy things in the WHOLE movie? WTF
UC: i did that in 10th grade
Moon: seriously, it bugged me the entire time. And I thought it was like a british thing cause i’ve seen it on other girls
UC: maybe- I’m british at heart
Moon: British at hair
With the grannies (2:23)
UC: Did he bring JAM to her house? Or Salsa? From trader joes? And he dresses UP in that velvet number!
Moon: its totes that chili pepper stuff you put on cream cheese. Daniel AND Rob LOVE velvet
UC: he sat on the record player! And he asks HOW LATE she is!
Moon: love that he’s staring at her boobs
UC: Here comes Daniel to save the day-
Moon: ok can we talk about how this is the best? and he went and got her a pregnancy test?
UC: He’s the best best friend. He’s wearing RED velvet with a PINK sweater! So cute. So Adam Brody (minus the velvet)
Moon: SO Daniel Gale… “I’m not the one who got you pregnant” (but i wish i was!) Actually Daniel’s not stupid he’d use a condom
UC: seriously. he’s smart. he’s going to university (which should just be called college)
Moon: his dad is a doctor
UC: his mom is a WASP. A drunk WASP
Moon: and he randomly knows the symptoms of pregnancy
UC: Doesn’t every one know the symptoms? Sick, Gaining weight. bam- baby. The end. Miserable for 18 years. The End.
Moon: crying, screaming, bitching teenagers. The end
UC: have fun moms. I’ll take my perky boobs & cats
Moon: i’ll be off shagging rob on a tropical beach while you’re running after 2 yr olds
clearly we do not want children
UC: of course he has a hanky
Moon: i bet it was monogrammed
UC: you know it was
Hey Slut (4:21)
Moon: HAHAHAH hey loser, HEY SLUT
UC: i just DIED at slut
Moon: Did he say PUB?
UC: I guess. How old is drinking age? “I can google it” oh WOW- in England: under 5 years old may be given alcohol on medical order. 5+ can consume at home. 5-18 cannot drink on licensed premises. Under 14 cannot go to a bar without a person over the age of 28. 16+ may purchase drinks with a meal.
Moon: so if you’re 15 and have a 28yr old creeper you can go to the bar?!
UC: 18 + you can consume in a ‘pub’
Moon: dude whats with america??
UC: we suck. Decision made- moving to the UK. (or anywhere else- Antarctica- nothing to do there but drink & eff ice fisherman)
UC: let’s go to London when we make our first big blog paycheck….and stalk barnes. South Barnes (you know why)
Moon: totes going to Barnes on our first blogger paycheck. Where else would you want to travel besides the exotic location of barnes?
UC: nowhere. That’s my ideal vacation spot
Moon: how about GILFORD too?
Moon: love that she drags daniel along to the ultrasound- her personal bitch
UC: she grabs HIS hand
Visting Daniel’s House (5:19)
UC: poor daniel. and his bitch mom. Hate her. And Fraiser is his dad
Moon: wheres the crotchety ol dad from Fraiser?
UC: mom killed him
UC: i’d be desperate to go back to guilford too.. like his mom
Moon: Me too. I’d drink if i wasn’t in gillford- the only other place i’d be happy is south barnes
UC: guildford is where it’s at. Or in south Barnes. In the dodgy end
UC: KISS HER- “sometimes i think you’re the only thing keeping me sane” KISS HIM BACK! The baby won’t slide out!!
Moon: OH MY GOD!!!!!!! COME ON!
UC: damn girl- THAT’S ROBERT PATTINSON
UC: I <3 dorky rob. So bad.
Moon: NERDWARD. rewind: “sometimes i think youre the only thing thats keeping me sane” Dude! he has two of the best lines of the movie
UC: seroiusly. Was this movie up for an Oscar? Cuz it should’ve been
Moon: best actor from gillford- Daniel Gale’s handbook
UC: daniel gale’s handjob
Soft Cheeses (7:16)
Moon: YES the soft cheeses scene- he looks cute here. And I love that he’s looking out for her
UC: he seems a little cocky- love it. DID You notice? His shirt isn’t buttoned right.
Moon: look at his weird foot as they walk away.
UC: does he have a cleft foot? A club foot? Is this a movie about a guy from guillford who is weird because of a club foot?
Moon: peg leg like a pirate
UC: he has a wooden leg. Decided
Moon: “Bad mothers handbook: the story of a nerd from gillford with a club foot who teaches the local girl about his club foot and soft cheeses”
The Birth (7:50)
Moon: he looks like he’s in thermal underwear
UC: love him in his thermal underwear- Hold her hand daniel! A wet flannel!? TRY Daniel!!! TRY TO HAVE Sex with her!
Moon: RIGHT NOW- have sex with her
UC: did he PEE himsself!?
Moon: she squeezed the wet flannel on his crotch
The Kiss (9:35)
Moon: KISS HIM!!
UC: HELL YES
Moon: DO IT
UC: I AM SURE- MOTHER EFF- HELL YES
Moon: love how he closes the door behind them
UC: watching that again
Moon: are you sure?! daniel gale asks if she’s sure
UC: do you think they get it in the bathtub? Is there daniel gale fan fic? I bet there is. I will find it.
Moon: i would read that
UC: Me too. Nerdward getting it on.
We love this little flick. But we love Daniel Gale more. But because Daniel Gale’s scenes only amount to about 10-15 minutes of the entire movie, we will give this movie….
3 out of 5 Heineken bottles! But we do highly suggest this little movie. It’s Nerdward at his best. And you know how we love Nerdy Rob.
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown
PS: Please don’t email us today- we’ll be busy reading Daniel Gale Fan Fic
Don’t forget! Tonight at crunk time 8pm ET/ 5pm PT, we will close the votes for our Porn-off poll! GO VOTE NOW!
DO IT! Happy Friday. LOVES xo