Remember Me – What exactly IS Robert Pattinson’s new movie about?

Dear Rob-

Recently we were sent the script to your latest flick, Remember Me, that you’re filming currently in NYC. And as much as we’re both into saving ourselves (Purity Conference 97! Represent!) for the big day by waiting and not reading any spoilers, we’d be lying if we didn’t say it wasn’t killing us. It’s like knowing where the Christmas presents are in July yet doing nothing about it. The suspense has been killing UC especially and like any good friend grappling with a crippling addiction she’s trying to drag me in with her. I’ve tried and tried to resist by knowing that in the end I’ll appreciate having waited but it’s not easy dude. And you’re not helping either, Rob! The new pictures and videos keep coming out every day. And of course being a struggling Rob-a-holic I look at every one like a fiend trying to get her next high. But with each new set picture I can’t help but wonder: WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?!

So from the beginning of shooting to the most current pictures here are my elevator pitches for what I think Remember Me is about…

Remember Me: A buddy comedy about two friends who live together in a New York City apt building with their friends: Chandler, Joey, Monica and Rachel.  The roommates decide to quit smoking and instead trade one addiction for another as they become addicted to caffeine after they open a coffee shop called “Central Perk.” Their friend Phoebe hosts open mic nights at their coffee shop to raise money for their stint in rehab. Hilarity ensues.

Remember Me: The gut-wrenching tale of a man stricken with involuntary bulimia that strikes at the most inopportune times. This is his story of searching for a cure for this unknown and sometimes embarrassing disease through medical treatments, herbal remedies, witch doctors, and the ultimate cure: Greek Diner Coffee.

Take the cut to see Rob as Tyle the matchmaker, Tyler the Zombie and Tyler the gang banger among others

(cue the Beatles “Hard Days Night”) Remember Me: The story of a teen idol coming to grips with his advancing years and diminishing fame. In poignant vignettes he looks back and remembers the height of his career: the adoring fans, the bodyguards, the unlimited sex, drugs and rock n roll before it all came crashing down.

Remember Me: The heartbreaking tale of a teen runaway forced to live on the cruel streets of New York City and sell his body to the night (cue Sting: Roxanne). Until he strikes up a unlikely friendship with Javier, his pimp with a heart of gold. Javier encourages Tyler to enroll in City College while continuing to turn tricks at night to pay for tuition. What will happen after Tyler earns his associates degree in air conditioning maintenance? Will he leave behind the mean streets and Javier for the bright lights and big opportunities of Hoboken, New Jersey?

Remember Me 2: Electric Boogaloo. In this modern day remake mash up of “Singing in the Rain” and “Breakin’ 2” Tyler and friends stage a dance-off to save their local community center from area developers who want to turn it into a parking lot for the neighboring Tar-Mart. Will a torrential downpour rain out their dance off? Will rivaling team “Tar-Mart dancers” squelch their chances of winning with a professionally choreographed number by Patrick Swayze? Will Tyler’s hand heal before the big day or will he be sidelined for fighting with the Tar-World graveyard shift checker?

Remember Me: A coming-of-age drama about Tyler, a college freshman at NYU brutally affected by scabies. He meets Ally Craig, the sassy know-it-all captain of the NYU dabate team and is instantly drawn to her. But will he be able to overcome his self doubt and skin disease in this ultimate quest for self acceptance and true love?

Remember Me: Suave, debonair but ultimately wounded Tyler Roth, a recently laid off Ad Exec decides to chase his real passion in life: ladies! Tyler opens New York City’s first dating service aimed at matching up: jerks, jocks, assholes, alcoholics and workaholics. Off to a fantastic start “Jerk My Heart” proves to be just the distraction Tyler needs from life. By matching up other aholes, Tyler isn’t forced to examine his own commitment and intimacy issues. That is, until he meets Ally, a girl who was recommended to him by her workaholic best friend. Will they work out their issues and learn to love again or are they doomed to forever be: jerks, jocks, assholes, and alcoholics?

Remember Me: A quirky Indie Dram-edy about Tyler a young man who lives in the middle of New York City with his grandma Ruth in a trailer. The audience will laugh and cry as we slowly learn that Tyler is a specially abled young man who was abandoned by his yuppie parents and sent to live with Grandma Ruth in a rent controlled trailer in the middle of Greenwich Village which is annexed by a city housing code loophole. Grandma Ruth helps Tyler as he learns to cope with living in a society not designed for specially abled people or recreational vehicles.

Remember Me: Roomates Tyler and Ally have been friends since Freshman year at NYU. Freshly dumped, Tyler convinces Ally go to Fire Island with him for the weekend so she can clear her head. After years of repressing her feelings for Tyler, Ally confesses her love for him over martinis at the White Party at island hotspot: The Tool Shack. Unbeknownst to her though Tyler has invited George their building super to join them for the weekend where they will finally confess their true feelings and tell Ally of their 3 year forbidden relationship. Will Tyler have the courage to follow through with their plan and tell Ally? Will Ally accept them so that Tyler and George can be together and love each other without shame?

Remember Me: Blind since birth Tyler Roth has never had to deal with the harsh realities of the real world such as dressing himself, and conversing with the opposite sex. Until he meets Ally, a stripper with a conscious and a fetish for blind men. Ally takes Tyler under her wing and teaches him the complexities of daily dressing and how to please a real woman.

Remember Me: Tired of long hours, low wages and faulty bullet proof vests, New York City Cop Tyler Roth organizes a Union in the name of his fallen partner Ally who died in freak coffee shop shoot out. Amidst heavy pressure from the City Counsel to disband, Tyler leads the Union in a moving peaceful protest through Time Square in remembrance of Ally and all other police officers who went before her. A moving tale that will surely be the Norma Ray of the 21st century.

Remember Me: Ally moves to New York City with dreams of making it big in this Coyote Ugly remake. Though nothing ever worth it comes easy. So down on her luck and short on money Ally gets a job working at Coyote Ugly where she meets a man named Tyler Roth who unbeknownst to her is also the owner of Coyote Ugly and a stake holder in BigStarRecords. Will he forgive her for throwing a drink in his face and will she finally learn to let a man love her?

Remember Me: Out of his grave in Central Park, Tyler Roth is a 78 year old Zombie who’s come back to life to find his true love, Ally. He reunites with his best friend in this true love conquers all story, to trace the path back to Ally while eating a few faces off in the meantime.

Remember Me: Tyler Roth grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Raised by an adoptive family Tyler joins his brothers Jorge and Larmar as a member of the toughest gang on the streets of New York City. When Turf Wars break out between Tyler’s gang and the rivaling 59th Street Snatchers, will this unlikely gang member make it through the resulting carnage and live to gang bang another day?

So what’s it gonna be Rob? Blind, asshole, Union organizer, gang banger, gay best friend, specially abled zombie? Or what?

Can’t wait to see,
Themoonisdown

Pictures from: Sociallite Life, GossipGirls/Center, Robsessed, Lainey Gossip, and any others I missed.

Seriously, don’t miss out on us breaking down the NEW New Moon cover over at LTT
And seriously, if you haven’t been yet you’re missing out on the Forum!