Dear Mr. Pattinson –
A while ago we wrote your lovely wife Clare, a little letter that turned out to be one of our most popular (and it wasn’t even a holiday!), welcoming her here to LTR since we know she reads stuff about your son online. Although something tells me you’re probably too busy in your ‘man cave’ or out golfing to be spending much time reading our awesome letters plus Clare fills you in on the highlights over afternoon tea anyway, but on the off chance you’re bored some rainy afternoon and you’ve watched all the “Band of Brothers” and other “Man Movies” in the Pattinson household and you happen to stumble across this little place, we wanted to let you know how much we appreciated you on this Father’s Day! Oh and maybe uh… explain ourselves a bit.
- When we said we wanted to bang your son and eat goldfish crackers in your pantry in just a shirt what we really meant was we wanted to play Monopoly with the whole Pattinson clan on family board game night and then give Rob a very chaste hug goodnight. Oh and you can be the banker!
- When we saw Rob interact with a special fan in Cannes, we KNEW wherever you were, you were proud (You taught him well…)
- Ok, so you’re wondering what the h-word that catagory we have called “Rob Porn” is? I swear it’s not naked pics of your beloved son (those are in the private collection) it’s really just him doing ordinary things that drive women wild, like the laundry or putting his socks in the hamper. Oh and Clare told me to tell you to pay SPECIAL attention to that section. You know… for research and stuff. Ahem.
- When we said your Son might smell of rainbows, jelly beans and the bookbindings of our worn out Babysitters Club books what we really meant was that he smells like a foot, a dirty, stinky jr. high boys locker room foot and he just may need to shower. And since your his dad, it’s your fatherly duty to show him how the shower levers work!
- Ok we SWEAR we didn’t make THIS, THIS or THIS! We just have a duty as Rob archivists and members of the press to forever document every crazy thing that’s ever been done, said or made in his name. But we did make this! And we think he’d be a lovely addition to the Pattinson family.
- We’re pretty sure even you have a newer cell phone than Rob. Yours was probably even made in THIS century.
- You know that briefcase you used to have to hold all your spreadsheets and instructions manuals and you have’t been able to find it for some time? Yea, we found it.
So Dick (do you love that as much as we do?), we appreciate you for fathering a super special boy that has caused us to waste away hours obsessing over his every move; Who has caused us to go semi insane and take up fake names and devote our days writing letters to a boy we’ve never met. There really must be something special about him, and I think you have a lot to do with that! And I hope you can see that from just a glimpse at some of these letters and the comments from all the rad folks who are simply mad about him!
Love your face and Happy Father’s Day!
Themoonisdown and Unintendedchoice
PS We won’t blame his questionable fashion sense on you as you look like a normal dad with a dad phone and polo. Nope we think his “fashion” sense is all together his own creation.
PPS Don’t forget to check out LTT and celebrate the other Father’s in the Twi-world!
And for old times sake let’s watch you dance again!