Posted by: Bekah | June 20, 2009

Robert Pattinson versus Chuck Norris

Dear Rob,

I came across this list of things about you, and I agree with them all.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

  1. Mmhmm. Amen. Don't you MESS with Rob's stylish leather pants

    Mmhmm. Amen. Don't you MESS with Rob's stylish leather pants

    Robert Pattinson does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Robert Pattinson.

  2. Robert Pattinson can dazzle you with his eyes closed.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  3. Robert Pattinson can make trees bend to him by *sparkling*.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  4. Robert Pattinson doesn’t own a house, he walks into random ones and the owners are happy to leave.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  5. The original plan for the first GPS system was to track Robert Pattinson’s every movement.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  6. In Robert Pattinson, you can always find a party.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  7. Weapons of mass destruction weren’t found in Iraq, they were found in Robert Pattinson’s pants.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  8. The leading twinkle lights claim they can dazzle 99.99 percent of people..
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  9. Robert Pattinson can dazzle 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  10. When Robert Pattinson falls in water, Robert Pattinson doesn’t get wet. Water gets Robert Pattinson.
    Robert Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
    The hilarity continues after the jump
  11. Robert Pattinson destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of ~dazzle~.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  12. Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Robert Pattinson ~dazzles~ you, your relatives will feel it.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  13. Robert Pattinson killed Cedric Diggory
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  14. Robert Pattinson can turn back time.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  15. Maslow’s theory of higher needs does not apply to Robert Pattinson. He only has two needs: ~dazzling~ people and finding people to ~dazzle~.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  16. Robert Pattinson isn’t just Pretty in Pink, he is Mindblowing in Pink.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  17. Robert Pattinson plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  18. Robert Pattinson got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Robert Pattinson for every answer.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  19. Love stops in the name of Robert Pattinson.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  20. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Robert Pattinson.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  21. Robert Pattinson asked for a love song. Sara Bareilles wrote it.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  22. Robert Pattinson can divide by zero.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  23. Robert Pattinson can have his cake and eat it too, except he doesn’t like cake. Cake died from embarrassment.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  24. Robert Pattinson knows the solution to global warming. He just won’t tell because he enjoys the sun -it makes him sparkle.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  25. Robert Pattinson can’t speak french..
    just kidding.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  26. Robert Pattison can dazzle faster than the speed of light.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  27. Robert Pattinson listens to bands that don’t even exist yet.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  28. Robert Pattinson pissed in a bottle.
    This product is now known as “Vitamin Water”
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  29. If you ask Robert Pattinson what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he ~dazzles~ you.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  30. Robert Pattinson did not lose his virginity, he stalked and destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
    Rob Pattinson is greater than Chuck Norris
  31. Um... yeah.... instead of saying sexy we should just say robert pattinson

    Um... yeah.... instead of saying "sexy" we should just say "robert pattinson"

    Robert Pattinson brought sexy back.

  32. If you spell Robert Pattinson in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
    Rob Pattinson i
  33. Robert Pattinson is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Robert Pattinson.
    Rob Pattinsris
  34. Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress.
    Rob Pattinson
  35. There is no night and day. Only Robert Pattinson saying “lumos”
    Rob Pattinson
  36. Robert Pattinson doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
    Rob Pattinson
  37. The light at the end of the tunnel is actually Robert Pattinson.
    Rob Patti
  38. Robert Pattinson is never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and desert you.

Yes.. that video is so random. I only watched about 1 min 30 sec of it, but I laughed for that 1 min 30 sec. Why is Rick Astley so good?

I found this “Chuck-Norris-esque” Rob Pattinson thing back in January & saved it then. I did NOT save my source & I feel sad. So if ANYONE knows who  made this, let me know so I can properly credit!

What else can/does Robert Pattinson do? Leave your ideas in the comments.

Here’s mine: “Robert Pattinson just doens’t play in our forum, he IS the forum

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Responses

  1. Number 14 sooo applies to me …I’m now 21…..
    Loved 5 GPS is good
    9 True what more can I say
    19 can we say suspended not stopped…
    I want photograghic proof of 33……….
    37 what a comforting thought
    ROBERT PATTINSON CAN *********
    Nothing else to add LTR OWNS ME {along with Rob and Lolashoes} ❤ All ❤

  2. “Robert Pattinson is not hung like a horse…horses are hung like Robert Pattinson.”

    I googled the Scrabble one and a bunch of different sites came up with versions of this. Here’s a loong one:

    http://www.lovelylivtyler.com/forum/index.php?topic=9783.120;wap2

    Hilarious-I almost spit out my tea reading this.
    I’m running out to buy some Vitamin Water now…

  3. bwhahaha best ever!

  4. Robert Pattinson makes rainbows every time he walks out from his trailer… 🙂

    (but I can find the link of that picture)

    If anyone find it post it… it was from wenesday… somebody put it on twitter but I was at work and I couldn’t save it…

  5. Michael Angarano I refer you to No.1 on the list.

    • brilliant! that made me lol!

  6. Robert Pattinson is.

    That is all.
    There needn’t be anything else.

  7. freakin hi-lar-i-ous!

    When Robert Pattinson calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

  8. Robert Pattinson is currently suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

    Once you go Pattinson, you are physically unable to go back.

    YUP!!!
    bahahaahhahhaha!!
    this was HILARIOUS

    excuse me while i go out and find some vitamin water 😀

  9. Robert Pattinson poofs panties and proves the extistence of unicorns.

    Also, Rob, never gonna run around and desert you, but i would like to dessert you.

  10. “Water gets Robert Pattinson”…amazing.

  11. Robert Pattinson versus Jesus?

  12. OMFG those are truly hysterical and the vid is BEYOND WIN. haven’t laughed this much for ages. oh it’s a edward cullen b’day gift – thanks LTT!!!!

  13. “When Robert Pattinson falls in water, Robert Pattinson doesn’t get wet. Water gets Robert Pattinson.”

    Robert Pattinson can walk on water.

  14. My fav: #27!

    In a competition between Zach Efron and Chris Pine for ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, you know who would win? Robert Pattinson.

  15. Robert Pattinson can impregnate women simply by looking at them.

    • dare to dream

      • HAHAHAH! nice

    • Thank God it takes more than a look…..
      You KNOW we all want THE TOUCH…it’s what dreams are made of…
      I’m going back to bed now ‘perchance to dream’.

    • He can certainly cause them to spontaneously ovulate…

      • That would make him cock-eyed.

        • Too funny…

  16. Robert Pattinson doesn’t use pick up lines, he simply says, ‘”Now.”

    (recycled C.Norris)

    • AMAZING

    • This one is made of win!!

    • Yep!! “NOW” would work for me……

    • He doesn´t even need to say now… he´s stading besides you, he reach your hand and you simply walk out with him whenever and wherever

      • Do you write fanfic?
        That made my heart go ‘oh’….I was there…

        • fanfic…hmmmmm…*wiggles eyesbrows*

  17. OH this is fun. you guys have the best ideas. mine are all LAME

    • ps i dind’t make up any of these today… i just mean.. my ideas, which i’m not sharing b/c they’re lame, are lame

  18. fREaKin’ hilarious and so true – Robert Pattinson can dazzle 100 percent of whatever the f*ck he wants…
    B/c he’s greater than Chuck Norris!!
    LMAO!

  19. Somebody needs to come up with one using the taxi incident???

    • Robert Pattinson doesn’t flag down taxi’s, taxi’s flag down Robert Pattinson.

      • LMAO!

      • we have proof!

  20. Robert Pattinson doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

    HAHA! And the highlighting was fun.

    • I so noticed the highlighting too haha! 😀

  21. They don’t call Robert Pattinson the ‘Keeper of the Unicorns’ because he owns a ranch in Fantasia.

  22. The square root of pi is Robert Pattinson…you knew that?

    • LMAO x 2… ‘Keeper of the Unicorns’?!?!

      Have mercy…

      • @Natalie fanfic ref. HOLLA!

        • I get it, the WA thing… just way too funny to come up with suitable response.

  23. omg that video haha “stop dazzle time” lmao

    • Let’s just hope Rob doesn’t start wearing Hammer pants. I already saw one story on CNN this week about how they are trying to make a comeback. Then again, according to rule number one no one would be able to follow him.

  24. Haha!! So freakin hilarious!! You girls are awesome!

  25. Robert pattinson can get love notes stuck on a windshield with the words ” I love you,you’re rude”in the same sentence.( WTF was that anyway??!)

  26. there’s a livejournal community, rpattz_trufax, that has a lot of these. Examples:

    • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep RPattz out. It failed miserably.

    • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. RPattz has 72… and they’re all dazzling

    • When RPattz sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. RPattz has not had to pay taxes, ever.

    • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with RPattz’ fist.

    • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures RPattz allows to live.

    *On the first day, Robert Pattison created God.

  27. When Robert Pattinson falls in water, Robert Pattinson doesn’t get wet. Water gets Robert Pattinson.

    OMG, you just kill me.
    THE BEST!
    xoxo
    Brazilian Girl

  28. Not only would Robert Pattinson do anything for love, but he WOULD do that.

  29. When Robert Pattinson does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    • Movie trivia: The movie “Twilight” is, in fact, a documentary of Robert Pattinson and me.

      (vs. Chuck Norris’ Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.)

  30. I love this, def one of my favorite posts. Robert Pattinson can bring a woman to orgasm from thousands of miles away just by getting a new picture of himself posted on the internet. Robert Pattinson is walking soft-core chic porn.

    • “Soft-core chic porn”
      Love that phrase.. do you mind if I use that?

      • Whats mine is your sister.

        • Thanks Itsjustme I’ve been looking for the right phrase for my sig on the forum and you’ve been genius enough to come up with this great phrase. Gratitude ❤ Ruby

  31. “If you spell Robert Pattinson in Scrabble, you win. Forever.”

    Every day you girls bring us something funnier! And UC, I can’t think of any good ones myself either haha! 😀

  32. F**king hysterical! That’s all I can say!

  33. Check out this one – Legend has it that it’s a man…

    • I loved this vid. Very fucking funny as Dark Edward would say.

      • Oh god, I miss Dark Edward so much. Ah, angstgoddess, where are you???

        Oh, I know this Churck Norris “fact” and I think it applies way more to Rob.

        Robert Pattinson can make a woman orgasm by simpley pointing to her and saying, “Booyah!”

  34. Robert Pattinson is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Robert Pattinson

    Weapons of mass destruction weren’t found in Iraq, they were found in Robert Pattinson’s pants

    LMAO at these two…not sure WHY they are my favourite…*Innocent smile* but that video, stuck it for the first 2 minutes and it was pretty funny! That whole “Rob” dancing up against Prince was priceless!

  35. “Robert Pattinson listens to bands that don’t even exist yet.’

    THIS!

    LOL

    • My fave!

  36. When Robert Pattinson orgasms, the heavens open up, angels sing and the earth shakes in his holy deliverance.

    When you play a Robert Pattinson song backwards, it says “I will eat your soul.”

    Here’s a couple of pic/gif that were not in the hilarious video posted by UC…

    and

    When Robert Pattinson drinks Coke, Pepsi gets jealous.

    When Robert Pattinson wears a dress shirt, even his collars get hard ons.

    Robert Pattinson is such a sex bomb, the FBI is stalking him because if he went off, the US wouldn’t be able to handle it.

    I finally found in the Urban Dictionary what I have. It has been defined as:

    ORPD

    Stands for Obsessive Robert Pattinson Disorder. A very serious medical condition; symptoms include: extreme sexual arousal upon seeing images of RPattz, constantly checking fansites for information, and having a huge file on your computer dedicated to pictures of RPattz.
    ORPD has no cure. The only way to alleviate the symptoms is to express your feelings about RPattz with other ORPD sufferers.

    I guess that’s why I am here every day. Duh.

    Rob Pattinson is simply defined in the Urban Dictionary as:

    SEX

    • ORPD it is. This site is my clinic.

  37. i love you uc for posting this!

    my two faves:

    Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress. (WHAT?! so random and amazing)

    The light at the end of the tunnel is actually Robert Pattinson. (im walking towards it!!)

    • Come to the light, children… Alll are welcome! All are welcome!

  38. OMG. I was enjoying the video until it got to 3:28. That’s just downright disrespectful to Robert. And towards the end, it seemed like this video was anti-Twilight. It showed a google screen shot of abusive boyfriend with the result “Did you mean Edward Cullen?”

    I enjoyed your list Unintended Choice, especially #36. The video, on the other hand, leaves a lot to be desired.

  39. OMG!
    I can’t stop laughing. you’re HILARIOUS!

    But PLEASE do not do RP v Jesus.

  40. I’m buying stock in Vitamin Water. Today.

  41. What about something like “Robert Pattinson doesn’t see dead people, dead people see Robert Pattinson”?

    Eh? Eh? -smiles hopefully-

  42. That is one weird video. The list is however is accurate. It it going to be passed before the UN as a new international treaty?

  43. “Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress.”

    So I guess he had “dessert” first?

    LOL!

  44. “Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress.”

    So… I guess he had “dessert” first?

    LOL… great post!

  45. If you have 5 dollars and Rob Pattinson has 5 dollars he can buy 3 shirts and 2 pants to your single cheeseburger and fries.

    Great post UC! I heart Rob Patt Facts.

  46. Was there seriously a Hammer Time moment in that video?!

    and did Edward seriously come out of the water like Jaws?!

    OMG. I haven’t laughed that much in ages.

  47. Robert Pattinson once ate three steaks in an hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the waitress. –> And that waitress was me B*tches! I’m now having his baby.

  48. LOTN?

    • Still there EyeC?

      • Hi EP. I keep checking back. How are you?

        • I’m good how are you?

          • Boring as ever.

    • Hello E! How ya doing?

      • Hey there Lizzie! We just did the page flip. Not much new.

  49. hey Lay-deeesss!!!

    • Hi FN. How you doin’?

      • I’m doing well, thanks! How are you??

        • I’ll bet you are!

  50. I just got home from drinking w/ sister nugget #2 (they’re twins) and I’m understanding now how difficult it is to drunk-type….kudos to you gals for being able to form sentences last night!! lol

    • LOL We won’t ask hard questions then.

    • See, I told you.


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