My advice to Robert Pattinson on how to avoid STD’s at the MTV Movie Awards

Oh Em Gee people I'm sitting next to a cardboard cutout of that vampire dude!

Dear Rob-

You might want to insist that your seat at the MTV Movie Awards be sanitized for your protection before you sit it in. This pic reminded me that you’re going to be at the awards show this weekend among twats like these dbags Stephanie Pratt and Frankie Delgado. And you don’t want your nether regions anywhere near a seat that Spencer Pratt’s sister and Brody Jenner’s friend were in the vicinity of. Trust me, I live in Los Angeles, I know these things.

So seeing as the awards show is this weekend it got me to thinking you’re gonna be rubbing elbows with all the dimmest stars in the MTV galaxy and I wanted to give you a heads up on who you should stay FAR FAR away from and who won’t get you an emergency trip to the VD clinic the next day…

Feel free to print this out and fold it up in your coat pocket for easy reference.

Avoid Like the Plague List:
01 Heidi, Spencer, Lauren, Stephanie… actually just avoid ANY person who’s ever been on The Hills
02. Leighton Meister – we all love Gossip Girl but I’ve heard she has an album coming out and you don’t want to be anywhere near that inevitable trainwreck
03. Abigail Breslin – she’s like 10
04. Any of the hasbeens from the Real World/Road Rules/Duel/Gauntlet whatever it’s called this week – those whackadoos could drink you under the table in nothing flat and then drag you into a confessional and have their way with you!
05. Megan Fox – no need to explain. She already dissed you just let her be a crazy slut with David Silver

Hide from the cast of The Hills with these people:
01. Bruno (aka Sasha Baron Cohen) – maybe you’ll get in the movie when he secretly tapes your conversation about your mutual love for mesh tank tops
02. Chris Pine – you KNOW my thing for the Pine-sol, hook a girl up for those lonely nights when you’re away
03. Danny McBride – have you SEEN Eastbound and Down or Pineapple Express? Seriously you’ll laugh ALL night
04. The Harry Potter Crew – relive the old days, crack jokes about how you’re WAY bigger than Daniel Radcliff and you didn’t even have to get naked in a play!
05. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog – you KNOW he’s got some zingers about the Twihards
06. Keifer Sutherland – meeting him will either result in punching someone in the face or jumping into a Christmas tree. Either way, WIN WIN!

If you stick to this list you should be golden but if you simply can’t stand it a second longer give me a call and I’ll come rescue you and we can squeee on the couch together over the promised clip AND trailer from New Moon. Ok, well I’ll squeeee and you’ll raid my fridge for leftover beers. Again, WIN WIN!

Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten! YEA!
Themoonisdown

PS We here at Letters to Rob and Letters to Twilight will be doing something extra special this Sunday for the MTV Movie awards so stick close and we’ll bring you more information about our plans!! Make sure you’re following our Twitter and staying connected in the Forum for all the details!

Don’t forget to read the crazy things UC has done for Twilight over at LTT!