Posted by: Bekah | May 27, 2009

Getting Rob Pattinson drunk

You Should me all night looonnggg

You shook me all night looonnggg

Dear Rob,

So yesterday I begrudgingly got out of bed and dragged my A to work after a wonderful four days off. I was dreading Tuesday. It’s like a Monday, except with all the work Tuesday’s bring PLUS Monday’s missed work. I knew I had bust it to get everything done. So at exactly 9 am, I walked into my office (fine, it was 9:23) and got right to work- err, checked my 254 unread google reader items, approved 12 new comments on LTT, took a look at what was going on in the forum, read Moon’s hilarious Tuesday LTR post and chatted with EastFriend from The Quad on gmail chat about how much work I had to do. Then I saw this girl’s account of meeting you at the AMfar benefit.

Since you and our LTR readers are so busy and only have time to read our site in the mornings, I’ll point out the best parts of this girl’s account of meeting you. You said:

“I don’t even find time to meet anyone. If I’m not working then I am doing interviews and if I am not doing interviews then I am attending corporate and charity events where I have to be on my best behaviour to stop photos getting out.”

“Basically, I don’t have time for fun.’

“I seriously need to party! I’m just worried that if I start partying I won’t stop as it’s been so long. What can I do?”


Drunk Rob is the best Rob!

You’ve asked the right question. And came to the right people. (that’s what she said).

After a quick pow-wow with The Quad, we decided to throw you a private party- somewhere safe where you can feel free to lose control and throw all caution to the wind. We’re renting out a bar, only inviting our closest friends (each other…..) and the booze is on us. Drink it up. Lose control. Have fun. Party. Be on your worst behaviour (holla weird way to spell ‘behavior’)!

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for getting you drunk. And it’s pretty clear to me that the following list of things is sure to happen:


  • You will perform The Electric Slide. And you’ll be good at it, as evidenced by this picture to my right.
  • You’ll want to dance more, so we’ll teach you the Funky Chicken, The Hustle, and The Hokey Pokey. You’ll be SET for life.
  • You’ll forego the whole British act while under the influence and go country on us. You’ll start saying “Oh my stars!” and “Y’all.”
  • Confession time will be SURE to start around 10:15pm (won’t take you long to get to that point- we have the place anytime after 10). During this time we will learn that:
    • You secretly love Reba McEntire (and we’ll swear in blood that we won’t reveal that one.)  (“Oh my stars! That song Fancy is brilliant!” you’ll say.)
    • You think Beaches is the best/saddest chick flick of all time and will admit to having seen it 27 times…and crying during each viewing.
    • You and Katie Leung (Cho Chang from Harry Potter) did, in fact, have relations. She was your first. Or the first that counted. Playing “just the tip” didn’t count.
    • You will confess to really caring less about football.  Manchester United?  Whatever.
    • One realllllly drunk night you and TomStu almost did some experimenting.  On each other.  But then you’ll recant and say, “It was just research for Little Ashes.”
  • This sentence will pass from your lips:  “I love Barry Manilow!”  And then we’ll all break into a rousing chorus of Copacabana (“music and passion were always the fashion at the Copa…”) and you’ll declare, with glee, “Oh my stars! We must do this one Karaoke-style!”
  • You will dance on a chair first, then on the bar after another shot of Jack, to Shook Me All Night Long.
  • Plus you’ll dance with an old lady. We’ll invite her in the bar, just at the right moment. We’ll know when you’re there. It’ll be the moment when you declare “Y’all, I need to dance with an old lady!”
  • You’d definitely drunk dial TomStu. But you’d go back to your British ways, embarrassed, even in drunkenness, to admit that you know how to speak country. (Also we’re concerned. WestFriend is leading the charge. She asked, “Seriously…where is TomStu? Dead on the side of a road?”) 

    Friends? Or lovers....?

  • While you’re drunk dialing, we’re pretty sure you’d dial up Nikki & Kristen (who would be together, like good fake lesbians always are) and confess to having regrets for being with the both of them. But then you’d start the offer for a threesome, which would quickly be cut off when we grabbed the phone out of your hands…. Can’t let you make too many mistakes on your big night out.
  • You’d strip. To Dave Matthew’s Band’s “Crash,” which you’d declare as “The best song of the last decade- Oh my stars!” (We won’t remind you it came out over a decade ago. Cuz that makes us feel old.)
  • We’d cap the night off with a late night Diner run where you profess your love to Flo,  the old, chain-smoking waitress.

It’s important that you work your way back onto the party scene slowly. That’s why we suggest you start in a safe environment- with us. Cuz you’re Robert Pattinson… you’re unpredictable.. We can imagine the night will end up including all the things above PLUS some surprises we haven’t even thought of….But we got your back. You’re safe to let loose and be yourself with us. And we’ll carry you safely home, where we can tuck you into bed (we’ll ignore your drunk attempts to show us The Tuck) and have our way with you sing you soft lullaby’s to sleep….

Here’s your one chance, Robbie, don’t let me down,*
UnintendedChoice for ALL of The Quad

*This line is hilarious if you know the song Fancy. If you don’t, go download it now. It’s brilliant. Best country song ever. Then you’ll get my comedy. Cuz it’s brilliant. And you don’t want to miss it. Although now that I’ve talked about it, it makes it much less funny….


  1. I think I may have to go home because my roaring laughter is going to make the whole building collapse…..ROFL!
    (“that’s what she said!”)

    @UC: One for all of them: “You’d strip”. Please make him do this. Drunk or sober, and tape it. And then share it with us. I have a hacker of a friend who could set up an ultra-crypted connex for all of us technotards, so that HHH as nature and Clare made him could be FOR OUR EYES ONLY…

    Ladies: one fleeting thought (and paying royalties to JAG for the trademark abuse): Have you ever thought how incredibly, illegally, unabashedly HOTTT would Rob look like if he was to take on the role of JAMES BOND????
    I like Daniel Craig…but…MOVE OVER!!!

    Dear Rob,
    don’t worry about growing. When you are thirty, you will become the next James Bond. And we will all take it in turns to be your Bond (Old) Girls.


    • Thinking of my kinky Bond girl name as I type. xo

      • @Pro: great and dirty minds always think alike. I think I have found a new partner in crime…love you already 😀

        • @Monica – *Smooches* How about this ‘Holatta Robnana?’ Very Latinesque!

          • Is there a way we can make this into a surname? Justsayin. xo

            Metta la vostra lingua nella mia bocca

          • @Pro: You multicultural slut! *bows to superior intelligence*
            TongueinMouth, how does this sound? After Frodo took the bogus name of Underhill (SottoColle in italian) it’s all DOWNHILL (pun absolutely intended)

          • Love it!

            Okay, last one I swear…my fave!

            ‘Dominique Domenow’

          • @Pro: We. Need. To. Start. A. List. STAT!

      • here’s a good bondgirl name for our one and only, Ivanna Biteya. Or maybe Greasy Gallore. Hmmmm, works in progress yall, works in progress. And may I add that I say yall frequently (born in Texas, Raised in Tennessee), The thought of Rob taking a trip down hillbilly lane makes him even mo hot.

        Yay for country Rob, sing me Crazy by Patsy Cline!!! when you get to the part where you’re crazy for fellin so lonely, we could all take turns hugging/molesting you for you own comfort. Just a thought.

        • @Pro: *waves* Smooches!
          I bet the latinesque really gets to him, he’s a smart guy…

          @AcquiredTaste: the RobGirl names really cracked me up!

          • LMAO at “Ivanna Biteya”!

    • Dear Moon and UC,

      I read your letters to Rob every day and I’m a huge fan.

      But today… I CAN’T read it.


      Shirtless Robward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



      Ok I’m back again. The first thing I saw when I started my daily Rob sites doze was shirtless Rob…and since then I feel like between worlds…am I dreaming, is this real? I can’t bring myself to read anything. I just keep staring at the pics while heavily breathing. And I felt the need to say sorry to not read your post xD But I will do as soon as my hormone levels get to normal again xD

      Hope you do a shirtless Robward post for tomorrow. xD

      OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! (remembered pics) *screaming inside*

      *faints again*

      your heavily breathing Ines from Croatia xD

  2. Bahahahaha! That’s fabulous!

    Okay, I have to be at this party. Come on, one more person won’t hurt. I’ll fly my ass to L.A. and leave my cell phone at the door. I won’t even ask HHH to bite me. lol

    And, hey, I actually *am* country so I can give lessons to everyone! Bless their hearts! lol

    • we’ll get some one way mirrors set up so we can have a huge viewing party of him wilding out

  3. “Now don’t let me down, you better start movin’ uptown…”

    Rob and “Fancy?” That’s good programming right there. Especially with some Barry Manilow…AC/DC…Dave Matthews Band…and drunk dialing TomStu.

    p.s. “Just the tip” prob applies to him in more than one situation.
    Yeah, I said that.

    • “Here’s your one chance, Robbie, don’t let me down,”


  4. Not only is Drunk Rob the Best Rob, but he is also SEXY ROB!! Did you ladies miss the Drunk Rob picture thread in the Robblerum, geez?

    PS Please invite Veddersgirl and I to said party, as we could possibly stand to keep up with the Brit’s drinkingness.

    • Hell Yeah!!! We will so drink his ass under the table.

      • @Carrie: *waves* missed you soooo much!!!
        a) how’s life?
        b) I can think of a whole lotta other things we can do to him under (AND ABOVE) the table… *___*

    • Cannot wait to meet you girls for this particular challenge 🙂

      US vs UK drining contests! That’s normal!

      And if anyone can explain “Fancy” to me, then, great 🙂

  5. I have to be allowed to attend this gathering as Rob NEEDS the comfort of an English girl’s {OK woman} accent so he can really let loose!!
    Also I could translate those needs he expresses in the English vernacular that you might just miss out on……..
    If all this begging on Rob’s behalf fails please let me in on Monica’s super secret internet link.

    PS I can afford my own flight etc…..

    • @RubyTuesday: sure the SuperSecret Robnex is last resort for the poor pals who are not invited. I am assuming such category will count for zero as there is no way UC and Moon are going to deny us this perk….. :))

  6. LOL…. When are you going to post ALL the drunkrob pictures? Hahahaha Funny funny funny

    • They’re already on the Forum…..Go now, look.

      OK so there are older pics. But awful YUMMY!!

  7. HIGH-larious! I do know the song fancy and I made a really strange, loud, quasi-laughing noise when I read that.

    Also, my 2nd fav line was “Y’all, I need to dance with an old lady!” because there is no doubt in my mind that is exactly how he’d say it. hah

    Good work UC. I’m glad you put the work aside to draft up that hot little number.

  8. Things a naive, possibly prude (but don’t underestimate me), Pastor’s wife asks in anonymity:

    K, first things first….WTH is ‘just the tip?’ Is it what I think it is (that’s what…u know.)

    Secondly, I have VERY low alcohol tolerance. Can I come pretty please? Just for comic relief or whatevs? Like after one shot, I’m good times, not even gonna lie!

    And I’ve never done Karaoke…and girl can sing! Grew up in church yo!

    Lastly, this post was full awesomeness. Promise.

    • Only if you promise to duet “Fancy” with Rob. 😉

      And yes, “just the tip” means exactly what you think it does. lol

      • Way to hook a girl up Pange! *kisses*

        Ya, I’ll full on duet with our boy to ‘Fancy.’ As long as I get one private music lesson to follow behind the bar?

        • I think that will be acceptable. If I get to watch. Brouhahahaha!

          • Well we are one big happy family after all! You can even shout out Rob some pointers. 🙂

  9. Random question meant for JAG if she is out there – we are talking Robisms.

    If Vancouver became RobCouver after Rob graced it with his presence, what should Montepulciano become?

    a) RobPulciano
    b) MonteRob

    Cast your votes ladies!!!

    • Robfullmonte? Anyone?

      • @Pro: why did I not think of this? “that’s what she said”

  10. I so wanna be there when the crazy shit happens!

  11. This will only work if Moon and UC end the night with the Reba/Linda duet of “Does He Love You”…

    Great post and I have a friend who claims that she NEVER does IT…cause the tip doesn’t count.

    She’s delusional.

    • absolutely delusional.what was she thinking??!!!

    • FOR THE WIN!!!!!!

      “This will only work if Moon and UC end the night with the Reba/Linda duet of “Does He Love You”…”

      i of course will blow up UC in the end and ride off into the sunset with rob. love that video!!!!!


  12. “You’ll forego the whole British act while under the influence and go country on us. You’ll start saying “Oh my stars!” and “Y’all.” ”

    LMAO! I’d actually like to see this!

  13. You girls are hilarious. I want to be invited to this shinding. LOL!

  14. I’ll bring cupcakes? Please? You really need to invite an Iowan to this affair so I can totally teach Rob to massacre his vowels.

    BTW – this was hilarious. Loved this – thanks for bringing me a much needed smile.

    • okay! you’re IN if you bring the cupcakes!!!

      • @UC: Cupcakes on YOUR desk on Monday morning!!!

  15. ROFL! This post was inspired, seriously!

    Now all I want is for Rob play a southern boy so I can hear him say “y’all.” You know how he rocks those accents.

    • Agreed. He can rock any accent.

  16. UC totally love how you worked Reba’s “Fancy” into that post. Brilliant – as always!!

    • we’ll have to thank EastFriend from The Quad for the inspiration. BUT you KNOW Rob would sing it…

  17. This will be the Best Party Ever for Rob. I want to be invited too. And if you want I will make sure all the cameras[any camera] are collected at the door so Rob can really enjoy himself without feeling the above deeds will be recorded.

    *Just a question – What does it mean “playing ‘just the tip’ didn’t count?” Yeah, I really don’t know what it means*

    • why oh why didn’t SM write his pants off too? This would of been even better :)-

  18. ROFL. Oh my stars, that was brilliant.

    Rob can play just the tip with me if he wants. I won’t mind. Well….maybe I do. Hell, I’ll take the tip or the whole chorizo.

    • ROFL…you said chorizo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHORIZO=WIN!!!!!! 😀

  19. UMMM PLEASE LEMME JOIN THE FUN!?!!?!…I can cuss like a sailor and drink like a dude next to the best of the them…and I’m not a mean or boring drunk…i’m funner…if thats even a word…LOL
    ‘Playing “just the tip” didn’t count.’…BEST.PART.EVER!!!!!! I wouldn’t mind playing ‘just the tip’ with Rob ;)…youknowhatimsayin!?!?! LMFAO:D


    this post was the best everrrr! to be drunk w/ rob.. !! i would LOVE to hear him in a canadian accent and sayin eh all the time 😛 haha

    cheers to another great post!! ❤

    • and that pic of rob and tom stu is the background for fakerpattz on twitter..! i roared laughin when i saw that “he” changed it..!!

  21. Wahahahha! Thanks for starting off a Dumb Wednesday with a TON of laughs! I was still giggling over the 100 Monkeys post!!…..’Just the tip’, lol, is that what she said? Really? Do people say that? Have I been married too long?

    PLEASE, I’d like to come to the party (obvs) because I could totally teach the Hustle! And it is just a hop skip and jump down to LA for me….

    And any post that relevantly mentions both “Fancy” and Barry Manilow is just chock full of win!! You win the internets today!

    • oh yes. people say “just the tip” all the time…

  22. hahaha…play “just the tip”…LOVES IT.

    I mighta been born just plain white trash, but FANCY was a my name! I love you so hard for using that song. xoxo

    OH, and I totally think that I should be allowed to help do security for the evening. And then I will declare that he is getting too rowdy, just so I can touch him. I can see it now “Mr. Pattinson, things are getting a little out of hand. I’m going to sit in your lap until you calm down. Now take off your pants. Just trust me, I can’t sit in your lap unless your pants are off. What? Yes, this is totally for security purposes only!”.

    • OF COURSE!! what else would be pants he off for??!

  23. Please help me re-find my sarcastic, funny, amusing self again.

    Great post, very funny – and all I can think is:

    That IS how you spell “best behaviour”.

    Help me, people!

    love takingitalltooseriously, England, UK

    • hahahaha 🙂 I figured out English gals might get a kick out of it!

  24. **** ITALY REPORT ****

    There are pics on Robsessed of Rob going to set and then appearing as Robward.
    They look a lot like a “Before / After” kinda thing to me, don’t they?

    But a couple of details have caught my eye (call’em details..) – uncanny similarities between pure, unadulterated Rob and Robward, “dressed up and with make up”:

    1. same unkempt hair, same urge to run fingers through it (see also JAG’s post today – to Rob: keep it up, we need the FingerPorn here)

    2. same very personal notions about shirts and how to button them

    3. same Facce da Pirla (ie Moronic Faces). This man has the most unbelievably funny facial expressions.

    Another thing: since the guy clearly could not care less for buttoning up his shirt, I am almost hoping it gets hotter and hotter here…so that HE DOES NOT NEED A SHIRT IN THE END!!!

  25. LMFAO!! at the last photo, manip of Rob and TomStu.



    Yup, just scrolled up again and looked.


  26. Loved that “Fancy” was used (who can listen to this song and not sing?), loved the idea of him doing the Electric Slide (for some reason I just pictured him at my reception with my entire family dancing along), and defintiely loved the image of him stripping to “Crash.”

  27. “And we’ll carry you safely home, where we can tuck you into bed (we’ll ignore your drunk attempts to show us The Tuck)”

    That totally would be BEST PART OF THE NIGHT!

    And, I’m sorry (not really) but “just the tip”….bahahaha…that shit is ALWAYS funny.

    Thanks for the morning laughs ladies! 🙂

  28. Okay. You got me on this one…I actually laugh/snorted out loud! “Playing “just the tip” didn’t count.” LMAO!!!!

  29. “where you can feel free to lose control and throw all caution to the wind”

    @UC – You wrote that line just for me didn’t you? Did you know I was named after the song “They Call The Wind Mariah” (different spelling, but that is neither here nor there).

    I love that you gave Rob free reign to throw whatever he’d like at me. You know like his mouth. I’ll catch that. Or his fingers. I’ll catch those too. And of course the Robcrotch. I’m prepared to catch that many, many times over if need be.

    I’m ready.


  30. “Playing “just the tip” didn’t count.”

    OMG, UC!!!! Bwahahahahaha!!!


    PS – Can you tell I don’t read it all before I make comments? Yeah, I don’t. I do it as I go along.

  31. Fancy is a great song!! That line is PERFECT!!!


  32. I am LOVING the Fancy theme. And I don’t mean the “gay” theme. I mean, the Fancy Rebaspice theme.

    Seriously, where is TomStu? That should be a site. “Where in the world is that sicknast, unshowered, BFF of Rob?

  33. So, I can’t “drink like a man” like Janet and Vedders, but I still think I need to score an invite to this shindig. The reasons why I would be qualified:
    1. Karaoke. I tear that shizz up, y’all.
    2. My fake country accent would match Rob’s.
    3. I can do the Electric Slide.
    4. I can spend hours debating about whether “just the tip” counts, and reassure him that “everybody experiments”–even if the thought of him and TomStu/Kristen/Nikki together makes me a little naush.
    5. I’ll bring my own case of Heinie in case the bar runs out.
    6. I need him to teach me Drunk Air Guitar.
    7. I’m more than willing to hold Rob’s hair if he overindulges on the booze.

    Consider my RSVP YES!

    • I love you, Frey Frey!! We need to party.


    • @Freya your so sweet. You would hold his hair back if overindulges on the booze.
      Rob says he ❤ your face!!!

      Also you just need a little help from me and Janet. We can having you drinking like a man in no time.
      I think we need to start a youth mentoring program.
      We'll go all over the country to H.S and Colleges teaching the youth how to drink right. I'll get with Janet and fine tune our curriculum. Your a teacher so maybe you can help us out. 🙂

      • I know that shirtless Rob is the most important thing going on today (as I spent probably an hour hyperventilating and feeling lightheaded), but I wanted a quick reply.

        First of all, big smooches to my girls! Carrie, I’ll get to work on the youth mentoring program ASAP, since I’m about to go on summer break. I’ll have to do some extensive research first. But I WILL need your help!

        Myria, you know it’s only a matter of time, right? There will be partying. Hopefully there will also be Rob.

        Love you, mean it, going back to stare at the VEE for a few more hours.

  34. Lol That was an amazing post. I sure hope you’ll be secretly video taping Rob karoke-ing and dancing on the tables so that you can share it with all the LTR-ers. We wouldn’t show anyone else, I promise.

  35. I heart that genuinely sweet smile of his! I heart it so much!

    • Agree Jena. He’s really happy. *beaming*

  36. Mama’s gonna bring you uptown. Or downtown. Or just down….

    • “Or just down….”

      YES ‘MAM!

  37. Furthermore, you forgot one dance.

    DrunkRob must learn the Achey Breaky Heart if he is gonna truly go country.

  38. Being that you run this blog I believe that Rob should allow photos and videos of this event that should be encrypted by the US government and then placed on this site. Only those special people who have pleaded with thier life should have access. Please note I am first to plead for access.
    It is so wrong that my life is so busy that I can only read each day and do not have time to post. Know that even though I don’t comment daily I still love you all to death!


    • more at lainey gossip

    • if SM just wrote it without pants it would be even better!

    • omg! OMG!!! OMG!!! NO WORDS…. NO WORDS…..
      “I’ve waited for you soooooo longgggg!”

      RIGHT CLICK AND SAVE!!!!!!!!!

    • omfg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’s been working hard!!!!!!!

      • Gosh….. he’s cute isn’t it? To DIE for!

  40. I was just going to link the same pics. OMR!!!! He has been working out! *sigh*

  41. LMFAO!!!!!!

    That totally just made my crap day into a happy day! Thanks UC for all your witty charm!

    I ❤ you!

  42. I FREAKIN LOVED IT!! Soooo funny…. all the song references— absolutely BRILL! Fancy? WIN! Crash… DMB… WIN!

    i must attend… have you considered party games? Strip poker might be fun…. spin the bottle… 5 Mintues in the Closet with Rob…. (just made that up)- Huh? Huh?

    I’ll bring anything you want… cupcakes… pound cake…. liquor….
    For Rob’s sake… Let’s DO IT!
    (that’s what we ALLL said!)

  43. Let us have a moment of silence in order to properly
    convey our deepest gratitude to what is the singular, best and most profound moment of our commingled lives.

    *crickets chirping*

    Thank you God for these photos. Thank you for my life, and these photos. Thank you for S. Meyer, and these photos. Thanks you for coffee, and these photos. Amen.

    • Amen…. Amen…. and AMEN!!!!!!

      *angels singing*

      • I wish that bald guy wasn’t in every single picture. I think I’m going to have to spend hours today trying to delete him from the pics.

      • AMEN and AMEN!!!

        All us LTR girls must’ve been good girls lately…cause God wouldn’t will for these pics to happen otherwise.


  45. There’s one word to summarize this post: procrastination.

    But the best f***ing procrastination ever.

  46. “You’d strip. To Dave Matthew’s Band’s “Crash,” which you’d declare as “The best song of the last decade- Oh my stars!” (We won’t remind you it came out over a decade ago. Cuz that makes us feel old.)”
    this part is brilliant! but mostly you just make him sound gay…

  47. you didnt even just call out FANCY…oh my lord i honestly dont even know what to say except for the fact that i may or may not have drunken karaoked that song …(oh i did)

  48. Hilarious post as always! I had to sign in from Florence to get my LTR fix!

    I haven’t run into Rob yet, but I’m still hoping…wish me luck!

  49. This photo is hilarious!,0,18

    I heart all these photos so much!!! I am getting nothing done this afternoon at work and I love it!

    I totally have Beyonce’s “Smash Into You” song stuck in my head when looking at these! (download it, it’s a great song)

    My external harddrive just arrived at work so please pray this all works and tonight I have my computer back up and running like I should!

  50. Somebody, anybody…Go to ET online – there are shirtless pics of Rob from today! Sit down first.


    • One word – LOWER. Oh sweet mother of god please, lower!!!

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