Getting Rob Pattinson drunk

You shook me all night looonnggg

Dear Rob,

So yesterday I begrudgingly got out of bed and dragged my A to work after a wonderful four days off. I was dreading Tuesday. It’s like a Monday, except with all the work Tuesday’s bring PLUS Monday’s missed work. I knew I had bust it to get everything done. So at exactly 9 am, I walked into my office (fine, it was 9:23) and got right to work- err, checked my 254 unread google reader items, approved 12 new comments on LTT, took a look at what was going on in the forum, read Moon’s hilarious Tuesday LTR post and chatted with EastFriend from The Quad on gmail chat about how much work I had to do. Then I saw this girl’s account of meeting you at the AMfar benefit.

Since you and our LTR readers are so busy and only have time to read our site in the mornings, I’ll point out the best parts of this girl’s account of meeting you. You said:

“I don’t even find time to meet anyone. If I’m not working then I am doing interviews and if I am not doing interviews then I am attending corporate and charity events where I have to be on my best behaviour to stop photos getting out.”

“Basically, I don’t have time for fun.’

“I seriously need to party! I’m just worried that if I start partying I won’t stop as it’s been so long. What can I do?”

Drunk Rob is the best Rob!

You’ve asked the right question. And came to the right people. (that’s what she said).

After a quick pow-wow with The Quad, we decided to throw you a private party- somewhere safe where you can feel free to lose control and throw all caution to the wind. We’re renting out a bar, only inviting our closest friends (each other…..) and the booze is on us. Drink it up. Lose control. Have fun. Party. Be on your worst behaviour (holla weird way to spell ‘behavior’)!

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for getting you drunk. And it’s pretty clear to me that the following list of things is sure to happen:

a

• You will perform The Electric Slide. And you’ll be good at it, as evidenced by this picture to my right.
• You’ll want to dance more, so we’ll teach you the Funky Chicken, The Hustle, and The Hokey Pokey. You’ll be SET for life.
• You’ll forego the whole British act while under the influence and go country on us. You’ll start saying “Oh my stars!” and “Y’all.”
• Confession time will be SURE to start around 10:15pm (won’t take you long to get to that point- we have the place anytime after 10). During this time we will learn that:
  • You secretly love Reba McEntire (and we’ll swear in blood that we won’t reveal that one.)  (“Oh my stars! That song Fancy is brilliant!” you’ll say.)
  • You think Beaches is the best/saddest chick flick of all time and will admit to having seen it 27 times…and crying during each viewing.
  • You and Katie Leung (Cho Chang from Harry Potter) did, in fact, have relations. She was your first. Or the first that counted. Playing “just the tip” didn’t count.
  • You will confess to really caring less about football.  Manchester United?  Whatever.
  • One realllllly drunk night you and TomStu almost did some experimenting.  On each other.  But then you’ll recant and say, “It was just research for Little Ashes.”

• This sentence will pass from your lips:  “I love Barry Manilow!”  And then we’ll all break into a rousing chorus of Copacabana (“music and passion were always the fashion at the Copa…”) and you’ll declare, with glee, “Oh my stars! We must do this one Karaoke-style!”
• You will dance on a chair first, then on the bar after another shot of Jack, to Shook Me All Night Long.
• Plus you’ll dance with an old lady. We’ll invite her in the bar, just at the right moment. We’ll know when you’re there. It’ll be the moment when you declare “Y’all, I need to dance with an old lady!”
• You’d definitely drunk dial TomStu. But you’d go back to your British ways, embarrassed, even in drunkenness, to admit that you know how to speak country. (Also we’re concerned. WestFriend is leading the charge. She asked, “Seriously…where is TomStu? Dead on the side of a road?”) 
  

  Friends? Or lovers....?

• While you’re drunk dialing, we’re pretty sure you’d dial up Nikki & Kristen (who would be together, like good fake lesbians always are) and confess to having regrets for being with the both of them. But then you’d start the offer for a threesome, which would quickly be cut off when we grabbed the phone out of your hands…. Can’t let you make too many mistakes on your big night out.
• You’d strip. To Dave Matthew’s Band’s “Crash,” which you’d declare as “The best song of the last decade- Oh my stars!” (We won’t remind you it came out over a decade ago. Cuz that makes us feel old.)
• We’d cap the night off with a late night Diner run where you profess your love to Flo,  the old, chain-smoking waitress.

It’s important that you work your way back onto the party scene slowly. That’s why we suggest you start in a safe environment- with us. Cuz you’re Robert Pattinson… you’re unpredictable.. We can imagine the night will end up including all the things above PLUS some surprises we haven’t even thought of….But we got your back. You’re safe to let loose and be yourself with us. And we’ll carry you safely home, where we can tuck you into bed (we’ll ignore your drunk attempts to show us The Tuck) and have our way with you sing you soft lullaby’s to sleep….

Here’s your one chance, Robbie, don’t let me down,*
UnintendedChoice for ALL of The Quad

*This line is hilarious if you know the song Fancy. If you don’t, go download it now. It’s brilliant. Best country song ever. Then you’ll get my comedy. Cuz it’s brilliant. And you don’t want to miss it. Although now that I’ve talked about it, it makes it much less funny….