Word in the riviera is that you were auctioned off yesterday at a charity event in Cannes. I first heard the news while I was busy working on a memorial day email campaign for a hot tub sale we’re having this weekend. My search for “Memorial Day quotes” to be turned into cheesy hot tub sales phrases kept getting interrupted by delicious pictures of you in a tux and rumors of some sort of auction (Although I should have abandoned my search and focused on you. My submission of “Even one-legged veterans love our hot tubs” was turned down by the bosses). Needless to say, I had a few thoughts throughout the day about this rumor:
3pm: I get word you were on the Red Carpet
(that sounds so official. What I mean is I read it on twitter from
RobPattzNews like the rest of your fans did)
Are you secretly part of a French boy band and were you giving your first dance/singing performance on the red carpet? That’s the only explanation I can come up with for why you’re posed like this. Your agent, Steph, seems pretty legit- I know she’s giving you red carpet etiquette advice. Take it. This pic made EastFriend from The Quad ask if we thought a fly flew into your mouth with it hangin’ open like that. Nice tux though. Really. Nice.
4pm: I hear you were auctioned off for 40,000 Euros
I cringed when I heard this news. In my head I role-played the many conversations Nick & Stephanie must’ve had with you to convince you to agree to this awkward auction experience (and while it was in my head, I jotted down my role-play ideas to use on the blog in the upcoming weeks. But it got a lil’ weird when Nick starting hitting on Stephanie and you were there, and Stephanie was flirting back. Then Oregano came into the room and starting yelling at you for something you may or may not have done with Kristen (But probably did). Yeah, it was weird. Remind me never to role-play alone again) I bet Nick & Stephanie made you feel really guilty about all the dying children in Africa in order for you to agree to the auction, right? Either that or they agreed to let you do your own hair, just this once. Cuz I forgot to mention it above, but it looks like maybe you forgot to use the Frizz-ease. Either that or you’re majorly overdue for a trim. It was at this hour that I was also overcome with extreme jealousy. I wanted to kick the ass of the woman who won this auction. She would not get my man. I was in the kind of mood that only ice cream could fix.
10:05 pm: Marc Malkin spills the deets
At this point in the night my bad mood has gotten worse. I had just spent 20 minutes of my life driving around with the husb stopping at 3 closed ice cream places & ending up with a gas station convenince store milkshake (I hate the ‘burbs, but holla Wawa), but I should never fear. Marc Malkin saved my night with the best gossip ever. Turns out it was never planned- you were put on the spot with all that auction business, so I did all that in-my-head role-playing for nothing (ugh, what a waste of a Nick Frankel fantasy). Plus the bidders were parents of girls who would get to kiss you on the cheek. That’s NOTHING! I can take tweeny-boppers any day. Finally, Mark ended his post with this bit of hilarity (seriously, he should join us at LTR): P.S.: The winning bidders were not the parents of Kristen Stewart or Nikki Reed. Brilliant!
10:10pm: I watch the auction videoVodpod videos no longer available.
Clearly Mark Malkin doesn’t do his research. This looks set-up to me, so phew! Role-playing fantasy about Nick Frankel justified! Can I have a fangirl moment here!? OMG! THIS is why we have a blog called “Letters to Rob.” Cuz you’re that guy! The guy that is so clearly mortified and embarrassed that this is happening, so clearly shocked that the bidding starts anywhere higher than $5.00 yet takes it all in stride- does it anyway, does it humbly and makes a hell of a lot of money for the sick children! Although… you seem to also be the guy who gets cut off while saying “And if it goes well, maybe it’ll turn into something a bit more….” More what? More scandalous kissing an underage girl already is-? More exciting than a kiss on the cheek for said underage girl?
So congrats Rob, on handling this WAY 2nd-hand embarrassing experience with pride & grace and raising a lot of money for a great cause. Now all that’s left is meeting a screaming teenager, holding her while she cries & then kissing her wet cheek and pretending you’re loving every minute of it. Or, you could just forget all that and pretend I won the auction… I can donate the dollar I saved from buying ice cream at a gas station instead of a real shoppe tonight. Plus I just found $.10 in the couch….
Watch out, I will might turn my head when you go for the cheek,
Wanna know the results from our first “See You at the Poll?” 287 of you voted that In Italy, Rob was most looking forward to: Laughing at Kristen and responding “She’ll pass” for her, every time a waiter asks “Would you like Oregano?”
But my favorite “other” response was: Comparing his junk with Kristen Stewart
100 Monkey’s Saturday: Do you have tickets to the 100Monkey’s show tomorrow night at The Khyber in Phily? E-mail me so we can meet up! (Letterstotwilight@gmail.com) If you don’t have tickets, it’s sold out. Boo 😦