In 1986 Clare Pattinson turned some tricks: Happy Birthday Rob!

Happy Birthday to youuuu, you smell like a monkey and you look like one too!

Dear Rob,

Happy Birthday! We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do to celebrate your 23 year old-ness. We’ve been kicking so much ass with our posts lately that it’s hard to outdo ourselves.  We already gave you a myspace page, Moon installed a stripper pole, we made your day and admitted we’re the worst fans ever (and therefore the best fans ever), we’ve befriended your boy Sam Bradley, we’ve written to your mom and we’ve given you style advice. What else is there?

So, we decided this year we’re keeping it simple. It’s gonna be just you and us, some Moon Dance (ahem) playing in the background, a couple Yankee candles giving off an overpowering scent, a few bottles glasses of Heinken (gotta class up your favorite drink), 3-4 packs of American Spirits, and a custom cake made from Hot Pockets with a pot-filled, ding dong center and topped off with a melted cheeseburger icing. Yummo.

So relax, enjoy a shoulder massage from Moon (or more…), close your eyes, blow out your Sweet Sixteen candle (Sorry- it’s all we had left from Wolfgirl’s party) and make a wish. Too afraid to close your eyes for fear that in the dark the Pattinson Pants lady might show up? We understand. We have the same fear about the Pattinson Tattoo lady. Don’t worry- we made wishes for your 23rd year, just in case you couldn’t get through it:

Ready, Set, Blow (that’s what she said)

Moon & UC’s Wishes for Rob’s 23rd year

• We wish for you and Kristen to fake a make-out session for the paps just so Ted Casablanca from E! can shut his face. (We really wish that it’s a fake make-out session….)
• We wish for Lainey from Lainey Gossip to wake up and decide she’s Team Pattz and contact you, hoping for returned love. We wish for you to laugh in her face.
• We wish that no one becomes a Pattinson Tattoo lady We obviously wrote this before the news broke about the Pattinson Tattoo lady, so let’s change this to wishing that no more Pattinson Tattoos are ever made ever.
• We hope that whoever steps out from behind a Dumpster on your birthday looks like THIS and not THIS (or maybe we hope she looks like us, either way…)
• We hope that the Pattinson Pants lady trips in a pile of acid and the pants are ruined forever but miraculously her skin and body are unscathed AND that part of your brain that allows you to think of such atrocities is ruined forever by the fumes.
• We wish that the fake you on Twitter, fakeRPattz, is really you because we love him so much, even though we’re 94% sure it’s a her.
• We wish that eating 15 cheeseburgers a day would give you a nice Edward 6-pack and cut shoulders instead of a beer gut and haggard skin tone (in fact we wish that for ourselves!).
• We wish that all creepy early modeling pictures aka Zygote Rob pics would mysteriously be deleted by the great internet Gods so that we can all forget that icky mess ever happened.
• We hope that everyone leaves you alone today including the paps, the crazy fans, your manager, Nikki & Kristen and Michael Oregano with his threatening phone calls. But we hope that when we find you (because of course we know exactly where you’re spending your birthday- we wouldn’t be good bloggers without that info) you wouldn’t mind the following: posing for 5-10 pictures with us, trying on OUR version of the Pattinson pants, signing our Pattinson tattoo’s and soft cover copies of New Moon while doing a quick 25-45 minute interview on how you relate to Edward, Dali & Art and the differences between the three.

Happy Birthday! We hope all these wishes comes true for you and that this year is even bigger and better than the last! You keep getting older and staying sexy and walking around with the Dadcase and we’ll keep bringing the funny for another year.

Love,
UnintendedChoice & TheMoonisDown

PS don’t forget to check out your special Birthday post over on LTT!

After the jump, see what EastFriend and WestFriend, from The Quad, have to say for Rob’s birthday

EastFriend:

Dear Rob,

Got a cigarette?

Happy Birthday,
EastFriend XOXO

(obviously East Friend is the cool leather wearing rebel from High School we all wanted to be. She’s a loner Dottie, a rebel!)

WestFriend:

Dear Rob,

It’s your birthday, and you know I have been thinking on you long and hard {that’s what she said}. Remember on my birthday when I was supposedly “working” but in actuality I was out with you? You took me to In ‘N Out and even gave me a few “special hugs” in aisle 4 of your favorite Goodwill. To top the night off, you let me wash those foul black pants of yours, because let’s face it, it was a gift to myself and to the world, to clean that piece.

What I am trying to get at is, you went above and beyond for my birthday, so I will go above and beyond for you {that’s what she said…and by “she”, I mean “me”…I promise it to you}. For your birthday I will give you 23 special hugs of freakin special-ness. I will help you forget Kristen’s name, trust me…it won’t be too difficult. And since I am so generous, I will sing some Nelly for you:

smile for me robbie
what you lookin’ at?
I wanna see your peen…
you wanna see my wha-a-at?
ya, ya peen…ya, ya peen…
it sparkles like diamonds,
and not a bit of gold!

Don‘t forget to check out all the fun on The Forum for Rob’s birthday!