Today’s letter is a simple one. It’s not filled with pictures for everyone to lust over with captions like “Bang me now” or “You’re just full of sex on fire.” No, no… this letter is more innocent. We spend so much time drooling over you and not enough time appreciating you for anything other than your looks. So today we’re writing just to Thank You.
Thank you for being a humble, charming guy in your interviews. Thank you for being so nice to fans and signing autographs and posing for pictures, even when you’re “off the clock.”
Thanks for hating Hollywood and the superficial nightlife that goes along with it and for being “real” and saying you’d rather be reading 2666 by Roberto Bolano than out partying with the girls from The Hills. On a slightly superficial note, thanks for keeping it real in ripped, dirty jeans and then being able to look so delectably delicious in Dolce & Gabana and Prada.
But most importantly, thank you for increasing the libido for the hundreds of woman visiting our site. The frequency and intensity of our sex lives has increased TENFOLD. (Oh, and the males in our lives thank you too- although most of them are patting themselves on the back thinking they are the cause for our screams of pleasure. They are unaware it has 100% to do with YOU)
PS: Stop being humble, Robbie! I PROMISE you our sex lives have ROCKED since you came in the picture. Haven’t you ever spent any time reading the comments we get on your letters? The hormones are RAGING, and they’re being let out on someone (cuz as far as I know, none of the girls have met YOU yet- but just wait.. when they do… well, you’re gonna need to take a lot of naps, i’mjustsayin’) Now, as further proof for your sexual prowess, read this letter we received after the jump!
So I had this theory that if I stalked you online long enough, I’d get so tired of seeing you that my obsession would shatter into a million pieces and the cycle of Robbiness would be broken. Yeah, apparently it’s a theory for a reason; it totally bombed in practice.
I’m actually still in shock, to tell the truth. I figured if anyone would not appreciate my obsession; it would be my husband. Sadly, it turns out he’s not only an enabler… he’s totally plotting ways to keep the obsession alive!
We had a conversation about it in the car last night:
Me: So, I’m half in love with Rob Pattinson.
DH: Your stalking theory bombed, eh?
Me: *sighs* Yeah.
DH: Well… you did say you were only half in love, right? Maybe it worked a little? *sounds a little bummed about it*
Me: Actually, I was just trying to make you feel better. I’m totally in love.
DH: Hm. He’s still at the top of your list then?
Me: Definitely. Why?
DH: I was just thinking since we tried the stalking theory and that failed we could always try the cardboard cutout theory…
Me: Cardboard cutout theory? *blinking in confusion* I had a cardboard cutout theory?
DH: No, I had a cardboard cutout theory.
Me: Wha-Wait. You had a cardboard cutout theory?
Me: Pray tell.
DH: It’s messy. And naughty. And definitely kinky.
Me: Mm, I’m liking it already.
DH: I thought you would. *grins* Think it’ll work?
Me: Probably not… I have a vivid imagination you know. It’ll probably make the obsession worse.
DH: *chuckles* I was kinda counting on that…
Me: Oh really? What do you get out of this?
DH: Are you kidding me?! That thing you did in the bedroom yesterday? You know what I mean… *clasps hands together and does the cheer thing* Thank you Robert!
Me: *blushes profusely at the reminder* You had to go there, didn’t you?
DH: Hey… you went there first, remember? *grins wickedly*
Me: *pointedly ignores that one* So you’re saying you’re actually liking my obsession with another man? That’s kinda weird you know..
DH: Not weird in the least! Just think about it a minute. We crammed a good months worth of sex into the last two days. If the trend continues…
ME: *half laughing, half choking* Baby!
DH: Hey, I’m just saying… I should probably write him a thank you note. Or three.
Me: Oh. My. God.
DH: *pats my hand* Don’t worry baby… I won’t share the details.
OMG!!!! I’m still trying to think of a good come back!
Needless to say Rob, I don’t think he’s going to be pushing for a 12 step program anytime soon. In fact, thank you cards mysteriously appeared on my shopping list today. Thank you cards, Rob, thank you cards!
I’m still trying to decide if I should be blushing or laughing hysterically…