So by now the cat’s outta the bag and everyone knows you’re going to be presenting at the Oscars. You’d think a major world event had happened with the text messages, emails, tweets and calls I was getting when the news leaked Monday night. I have to say I’m kinda more excited about this than should be allowed by any rational adult. But can you blame me? This is the first real thing you’ve done in months! It’s been too long, Robbie, and I can’t wait to see you! So upon hearing the news, I immediately text UC, who was out with her Hubster on a date night.* I know, I know! But this was NEWS!! News we had been debating all day and it was finally true! So, hun since this is a big night I have a list of demands you MUST follow (trust me, you will be rewarded):
01. Please shower and shave before you show up. Scratch that, I’ll come over myself and personally take care of this item. Don’t be alarmed if I show up with squeegees and grease cutter; it’s for your own good
02. Avoid Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet… stick it to him for saying you were boring, like that guy knows ANYTHING about personality, he tried to high-five a blind guy
04. Once you show up in LA, proceed directly to my house, do not answer any texts from Nikki Reed asking you to help her with groceries or getting more packing boxes or whatever idea she comes up with. It’s a ploy!!
05. If Mickey Rourke starts looking angry, run the other way… that melty face could body slam you. Love you Mickey!
Good luck Rob! Oh, and if I’m unavailable, your date better be Clare or TomStu