Product Review Time

Continuing in our quest to educate Rob and all the LTR readers about the holidays around the world, we learn about a special holiday being celebrating way down under TODAY!

This map is accurate, except for 'Dannii Minogue' - she's Britain's problem now!

Dear Rob,

I want YOU to get your learn on – I am nothing if not an enthusiastic proponent of all things related to ME. So in LTR’s series “Teach Rob About Your Holidays, In Hopes That He Will Decide To Celebrate The Next One With You”, I give you… Australia Day!

Being an agnostic non-American, I learned last year about 2 Jewish holidays, Thanksgiving, and the Fourth of Joo-lai. It was exciting, fascinating, hunger-inducing – everything I hope to bring to you (and LTR of course) in this informative bulletin.

Australia Day is January 26th, and is ostensibly the day that Australia was landed on by a bunch of British naval officers, and a crap load of convicts (they made it all the way out here on a BOAT – what the heck is your excuse?! Sorry, bit of a rant-tangent there, I digest…). It is not, in fact, the day Australia became a country (that’s New Years Day, 1901). Or the day we got independence (because we don’t in fact have that, your Queen is our Queen, but not the one with Freddy Mercury in it). No, it’s the day the First Fleet landed, planted the ol’ Union Jack, and started the colony of Sydney with a bunch of pick-pockets and prostitutes.

I will lead you to believe that all Australian women look like this if it gets you down here

It has long been argued (by me, mostly) that the reason why Australians are so awesome is that we’re all either descended from crooks who loved getting drunk, or from immigrants who wanted to get drunk in a place with nicer beaches. I myself am descended from settlers, and my Dad is actually English, so this stereotype I’ve concocted isn’t really accurate, but nevertheless brings me to the major salient point about Australia Day:

BEER

This is closely followed by:

MEAT

And to round out the ultimate trifecta of awesomeness:

CRICKET

• You put the beer in your mouth, and also on the meat (that’s what she said).
• Put the meat on the barbie (or BBQ, for those unfamiliar with Australian – a language in its own right, trust me), then put it in your mouth along with lots of tomato sauce, white bread rolls, and onions.
• Finally, after sitting in the sun too long, drinking too many VBs and eating too many snags with too much ‘dead horse’, you play cricket. Usually poorly, with someone eventually hitting the tennis ball over the back fence for six and out, and being unable to retrieve it as it has landed on the neighbour’s roof/been taken by a dog/fallen in the river and been swept out to sea.

Probably too much physical exertion for you, Rob, don't want to tire you out...like this

I know I don’t have to explain this bit to you, as you’re from the country that invented this strange but oddly riveting sport. To Americans: Imagine baseball, but less boring when the players are in coloured uniforms, and more boring when they’re in white. I’ve tried explaining cricket to non-Commonwealth citizens, and fail every time.

Australia Day isn’t such a fun day for Indigenous Australians, being that it basically marks the day we wandered in and took over their country, and kinda continue to refuse to give it back. Everyone nowadays knows that it isn’t meant to celebrate a bunch of criminals who couldn’t fit in England’s jails turning up in what is basically tropical paradise around the edges, but it’s to celebrate that a lot about Australia kicks ASS and we would like it to continue to do so.

So come on down Rob, you’ll find me this Australia Day in a mate’s backyard, cracking a tinnie, bowling someone out, getting red as a beetroot and eating more sausage sangers than I knew could fit in my belly. They’re kind of like Hot Pockets, if you squint and look at them sideways. Did I forget to mention that it’s currently summer down here? No need for 25385854 layers and a North Face jacket, it’ll be bikini bottoms and side-boob as far as the eye can see – and not a mullet in sight, because I don’t live in the western suburbs!.

Sunbaked, drunk, and ever yours,
Cledbo

Cledbo- I greatly appreciate the education today and know Rob would as well. I learned  many new worlds (I had to read your letter like 12 times cause it was kinda like you were speaking a different language) and WAIT… are you saying Australia is not independent from England? Really? Seriously, I must learn more. You and Rob share a Queen? Jealous…

Do you have a holiday you’d like to teach Rob about? You know the drill- send in your letter!

Follow the jump for an extra special treat!I tricked you. It’s:

So you know how from time to time companies contact us and ask us to give opinions on whatever it is they are selling. We always say “yes” because who doesn’t like free stuff? (Except that one time when “Condoms-R-Us” asked if we’d review their Jacob Black condom. That’s just wrong. Edward Cullen condom, yes, but they weren’t having any problems selling those)

So today let me tell you about my new t-shirt from the Crooked Monkey

Here is what I look for in a t-shirt:

1. Is it soft? Yes. This one is. none of that cheap, scratchy t-shirt material

2. Is it funny or cute? This T-shirt happens to fall in the “funny” category… except that…. Well, I never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So I BET it would be much funnier if I ever did. And I KNOW there are a ton of Buffy crossover to Twilight vampire fans out there. So I bet they’d like it too

3. Does it look good with jorts? Well, I’ll let you see for yourself:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

(The answer is: Heck YES it looks awesome with jorts!)

So anyway, hop on over to Crooked Monkey to see what other Twilight-inspired tee’s they carry and pick up one or two! (FYI- this is my fav Edward shirt and my fav non-twilight related shirt!)

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter