We here at Letters to Rob were cleaning our your mailbag this weekend (it’s getting kinda low, shhh it’ll be ok) and noticed you’ve received a couple letters we think it’s time for you to address. So like any good interns we’ll be showing you your mail while your face down in the couch passed out after an all night bender with the boys now that KStew’s off being a snow bunny in Park City and then we’ll writing back to your adoring fans and forging your signature… you know, what all normal interns do. So here we go…
My Dearest Rob,
I would like to take a moment to kindly remind you that you could have almost any woman on this planet. Just in case ya forgot, ya know? Seriously though, I would take off all my clothes right now and do totally immoral things to you if you asked (PLEASE ASK). And those that say they don’t want you, they do, they just don’t know it yet. Trust me, I was once one of them. So anywho, the fact that you could be bangin’ oh IDK maybe a total hottie like Megan Fox me, but instead choose to bang a socially awkward, stuttering 19 year old that sports a mullet on top of the body of a 12 year old boy, disappoints me greatly. To be quite frank, I look better than her after 26 years and birthing a child. Epic fail on your part. So whenever you come to your senses and decide that you want need to raise your standards, give me a ring. I’ll be waiting.
Your Future Baby Momma (Crystal)
P.S. I vaguely remember you saying in an interview that you would consider following in Ashton Kutcher’s footsteps. In case you didn’t catch on earlier Rob, let me point out that I am 3 years older than you. Wait, would I be considered a TwiMom then? Eww, I’m not sure how I feel about that. Why don‘t we just start a new category, how about TwiMILF? Yeah, I totally dig that. I stole the words right out of your mouth didn’t I? Boy do I Love you Rob. Damn you.
P.S.S. I totally wasn’t kidding when I said PLEASE ASK.
Maybe you will be my baby mama after this weekend of Kristen gallivanting around Sundance talking to men NOT wearing plaid shirts OR named Robert Pattinson. Hmmmphhh. And these immoral things you speak of, can I ask? Are you willing to write down a detailed description of each act. Do these acts involve melted chocolate or bowls of cinnamon toast crunch? Perhaps you’ll be blind folded with the sleeve of my plaid shirt?
There’s one stipulation to this whole Ashton Kooooocher thing, will I have to get a twitter and annoy the hell out of everyone with my tweets about YOU (my Demi)? Cause if so then I may have to look for a different Demi, but if not, I’m asking. and I’m NOT kidding. Or drunk. Maybe.
Follow the cut to read the rest of Rob’s mail and to see if you agree is Rob a bad kisser?
Robsten is either Nonsten or Sucksten. Because you and Kristin kissing = fail. Seriously, you kissed like five times or something like that and each time it was like they A) had never kissed anyone before or B) really didn’t want to kiss each other. For two people who are allegedly going out in real life, they suck at kissing. I said it and I stand by it: Rob, you’re a bad kisser.
The beginning few kisses of the movie made sense because they were filled with longing tainted by the poison of Edward’s leaving, but the kiss when Bella saves Edward totally tanked. They could not have been standing any farther apart, like Rob said to himself “fine, I’ll kiss her, but only enough to make it technically count- there’s no way I’m tongue-raping her.” And lets face it ladies, we needed to see some tongue-rape. At least with Taycob, you could imagine their kiss (damn them for teasing us) and you knew Jacob wouldn’t be stingy about it. I think I’m officially team Jacob/Taylor now. If a guy ever tried to kiss me like Robward did, he’d so get the boot, even if he was America’s Most Wanted.
Other than that, I LOVED the movie!!!!! SO epic. …. except the frolicking vision of Bella as a vamp, WTF?
Dear K (wait, is this Kristen?),
If I’m sure a bad kisser than blame Tom Sturridge, I mean he’s the one who taught me everything I know. I was nervous about having to do my first on screen kiss a couple years ago so after a like 5 beers and whining about it Tom just planted one on me and well, the rest is history. He taught me the pained-eyebrow scrunch, the moan-pant, the reluctant side step, AND the “wet blanket” tongue move. Seriously, is it THAT bad and why do you have to bring it up in such a public forum, like this blog about Letters to ME! Talk about a boner killer.
I hope you’re living it up with that 30 Seconds to Toolbag guy at Sundance cause I called up Tom and guess what, we’re going back to that bar and we’re gonna start over! I’ve got a pocket full of quarters and that jukebox has Clay Aiken on it. So take that!
Best Kisser EVER!
Congratulations Rob on answering your fanmail now you can go back to watching Skin-e-max and ordering take out… Oh wait WE can get back to watching Skin-e-max and ordering take out (on your credit card) while you’re still passed out on the couch.
Your favorite interns!
Moon and UC
So do you think Rob is a bad kisser? Can you tell from looking? Whats in a name: Twimom or Twimilf?