You came out of hiding!!! Congratulations are in order for your parents I assume. I’m pretty sure Clare had had enough of your nasty shoes being all over and couch and you refusing to shower on the regular probably made keeping the windows open a necessity and with it being freezing ass cold I’m sure everyone’s ready for you to step out for an hour or so. So with an alert on my phone and a spring in my step I jumped out of bed ready to Break It Down with UC.
Is there anything else to say but: Let’s Do This!!!
The one where we figure out It’s Not LIZZY! (said in the “They’re NOT bears!” voice)
Moon: can we first talk about the title of the post?! “rob out with sister LIZZY” what about DICK?!
UC: and PS i’m pretty sure that’s NOT lizzy. she has better style that’s Victoria. Victoria wears cashmere, fringey coats and platform boots
Moon: they look like twins but youre right she doesnt really look like lizzy
UC: she looks older
Moon: older sister is ready to throw down with the paps in that one pic. maybe SHE started her own RESPECT the pattz campaign
UC: called RESPECT CLAUDIA
Moon: Claudia! nice call! twi nerd of the day award for you
UC: thanks! ps a little google search finds me this picture
that’s DEF not lizzy in these pictures. victoria is more plain than lizzy
Moon: victoria fooled the paps! she is a crafty one. older siblings are like that!
The one where we figure out what’s REALLY going on, like the new shrubs
Moon: so here’s what i think is happening in these pictures: the pattinson family all agreed that rob needed some new clothes in a BAD BAD way
UC: they know someone in the family who owns a cashmere shop
Moon: so victoria lures him out tell him theyre going to grab some beers or maybe hit a bookstore and then dick opens the door to the prius or whatever car that is and victoria throws him in and they drive off to the store. dicks like ROB we’re just going to Mervyns/khols you NEED a new sweater. youre wearing like 10 shirts and my old windbreaker right now.
UC: and those jeans from the HP days you’re getting really handy with a sewing kit but… they’re falling apart
Moon: exactly he is in desperate need of something made in the last 5 years
UC: and Victoria’s like “I’ll bring my fancy jacket and a cashmere skirt in gray” so we can call him Claudia while he tries on a new sweater. Ps the fam has big feet
Moon: shes got big feet
UC: of course!
Moon: her coat is like all kinds of insane. A wookie died for that coat
UC: it’s clearly from a trunk of Claires where they used to pull clothes to dress Rob up in. do you think we’re looking at the Pattinson residence in South Barnes? I’d like to think so
Moon: yea i think they came out the front door or maybe nana’s house
UC: look at the way those bushes are up around the front. (she has a great ass) I think Dick planted them to lure Rob to spend a little time at home
Moon: victorias pointing out the new shrubbery Dick put in while he warms up the car
to trick him. this is clearly a diversion tactic. and her ass is fantastic and she is TALL!
Moon: do you think Victoria was in Clare’s Barbazon school of modeling like rob?
UC: yes! However, I think Dick sold a few extra Porsche’s to get all those photos confiscated. they learned their lesson from the zygote rob fiasco
Want to learn more about Barnes? Want to see Rob’s new wardrobe in 5 years? Follow the jump
The one where UC teaches us about Barnes, London
UC: so i’m going to teach us EVERYTHING there is to know about barnes… first the notable residents
Moon: awwww rob is a notable resident. shouldnt dick and clare be the notable residents?! and DUDE freddy mercury?! Now THAT’s who Barnes should be excited about.
UC: don’t think i’m not google-mapping barnes right now. it’s like SUBURBAN london
Moon: thank god. We need to find his house in street view
UC: i was picturing him living in more like that street in Love Actually. Where Hugh Grant picks up Natalie
Moon: you mean “the dodgy end.” love that movie
The one where a crazy Robsten-er keys Dicks car
Moon: what do you think dick is showing rob? son, now this is a KEY it opens the door….
UC: yeah it could be that OR he recently got keyed by a crazy who wrote “I LOVE ROBSTEN” on the side
Moon: So was it Nikki or Kristen?
UC: it was TammyO
Moon: damn tammyo is going international! Then she keyed a “thumbs down” on it
UC: so le’ts think about this. cuz it’s odd. Papa P is opening the DRIVERS side but it looks like he’s opening the door for Rob
Moon: hopefully he doesnt have a death wish and let’s rob drive
UC: This is his one last act? before Rob drives them to their deaths? Did he send Victoria inside so she didn’t have to partake?
Moon: theres a later pic and i think he’s NOT driving thank god
UC: looks like he took one look at the steering wheel and realized it was REAL and not a fake one- and got in the back..
Moon: he was like damnit dad i thought this was one of those battery powered ones
The one where girls talk about cars
Moon: so what kind of car is that?
Moon: ive been trying to figure it out it doesnt look like a mercedes
UC: jag b/c they’re british?
Moon: it looks like a Kia
UC: Kia or a Hyundai Sonata. Hard to tell
Moon: if it was a merc. the lights would be circular, I think you’re right its defs the sonata or a ford festiva. They love those small ass cars over there. like i can talk….
UC: for their small ass streets. on the dodgey ends
The one where Dick models “Dad Couture”
UC: do you SEE his dads shirt? that’s his in another 2-3 years
UC: purple! That’s a new color or him. it has a ZIPPER!?
Moon: the purple zip up pullover. That was clearly a clare/victoria/lizzy gift from xmas. “theyre like here’s the hottest thing dad, PURPLE zip up! You’ll be so hot down at the dealership”
UC: and Rob saw him open it, his eyes got big as he thought of what i’ll look like in 2-3 years, with a few small holes around the breast
Moon: rob was like what am i going to match that with in 10 years? all my stuff is blue, black and olive green hmmm maybe dad will give me that north face puffy jacket too….
Moon: Robs new look will be classified at “south barnes retiree chic”
UC: notice he’s holding what seems to be a black peacoat clearly from the Dick Pattinson 2008 collection since he dons the north face in 2009. He was walking out and Clair said “Where do you think you’re going without a heavier jacket, Mister?”
Moon: that wind breaker plus 293489324 shirts isnt going to keep you warm
UC: he’s like “Mom, I’m 23, and a millionaire actor starring in a film that just made 640 mil world wide”
Moon: seriously im counting 4-5 shirts/layers
UC: “plus i may or may not be screwing a girl younger than 20. why are you on my back?” then she gave him The Look. So he grabbed the jacket. you don’t mess with The Look from Claire
Moon: not at all thats from her advanced modeling class “guilt with your eyes” is what the looks called.
Tyra stole it for top model and i think maybe my mom was in the same modeling class, shes GOOD with that look
The one where nothing changes
UC: it’s why he never goes home, that look…plus this
UC: nothing ever changes. it doesnt’ matter than he’s a millionaire in a hot relationship he’s a hot actor on the red carpet BUT Vickie still gets to ride shot gun in the Sonata
Moon: he’s in the BACK of the sonata and he’s pissed cause he has to straddle the car trash bag back there
UC: i bet that’s why it looked like Dick was holding him back as they got into the car. He was afraid he was going to leap around the other side and take Vicky’s seat and She’s wearing her cashmere so he knows she’s in a serious mood you don’t mess with Vic when she’s in cashmere so.. he held Rob back.
UC: guided him into the back of the Sonata
Moon: and Dick’s seen his Edward moves in getting around a car in lightening speed. He had to hold him back
UC: i think this is some european car we don’t have
Moon: its defs a euro car we know nothing about. European readers, TELL US what this is
Moon: So besides Mervyns/Khols for a new sweater where did they go? (whats’s the UK version of Mervyns?) i would love to see the Pattinson family out for the Sunday sale at khols. I would die of laughter while clare’s trying on outfits from the simply vera wang collection for khols. Rob trying on new nikes cause im pretty sure that the only place where you can still get that model
The one where we go on the Rob Pattinson Tour of London
UC: ps. barnes is around 7.5 miles from Buckingham palace
Moon: OHHHH fancy
UC: I wish we knew MORE of where he lived..
Moon: i wonder if they salute the queen every time they drive by we need to visit take the “Robert Pattinson’s London” group tour trip
UC: YES, i’d love it
Moon: the tour guide would wear plaid shirts and holey jeans and her little tour guide flag would be a ripped up piece of flannel on a stick
Moon: “Robert Pattinson’s London” would be like 3 stops: his parents house, the South Barnes Theater and that alley way behind the bar in the tweet/dumpster picture and the tour would take place in a Hyundai Sonata
UC: So you know the name of that theater? I need to find the address
Moon: Nope, but you need to find it cause we need to know all about Barnes. I wish england made their contribution records public
UC: what would we look for?
Moon: than we could find out if his parents contributed to any political campaigns and that would give us their home address
UC: Cause Tha’ts Normal
So there we have it Rob, you’re back in London… what else will you be up to? Will we be treated to another bearded drunk fest with an unnamed kid? Will La Stew show up? Will you throw your mom a bone and go on a couple modeling gigs for her? Whatever it is, we can’t wait!
So what so do we think? Is that a Sonata, a Kia, some rando VW? What about Lizzy/VIctoria. Does anyone else love that silver fox, Dick?!