I feel like we’re lovers who’ve reached our first big milestone in our relationship- our 1 year anniversary! I guess that’s not so far off, I do refer to you as my internet wife!! One year. Exactly 365 days since we both confessed to wasting* our time in front of our computers watching a video of the Vanity Fair photo shoot- scouring for touches of the hand or gazes of the eyes that might be a second too long, thus proving that the actors portraying our beloved Edward & Bella were really “cock-blocking” each in real life. (My how time has changed. You couldn’t PAY me to look at a video where Rob & Kristen may or may not accidentally touch now!) *We ALL know now that time was NOT wasted!
Today on our one year anniversary I want to get all gushy on you. I really haven’t shared my Twilight story. We spend so much time posting our reader’s stories, yet you and I never really discuss ours. Sure, we’ve known each other for years and don’t really need to go into all those details, but I think it’s important to remember why we stick it out day after day, letter after letter (especially after days like yesterday!) My story is not your typical story. I didn’t get saved from a bad relationship from reading the books. I didn’t find my Edward by believing he existed after reading the series. My Twilight story is a little different than that…. it’s about you actually (oh, and all those people eavesdropping on us right now!)
Gushy, long love letter to Moon alert after the jump!
Last fall, a year ago, I entered a depression deeper than I knew existed. I spent my days staring blankly at my computer screen, going through the motions I needed to to get through my work day. And every night when I got home, I’d collapse. Sometimes mentally- I’d shut off my brain and just stare straight ahead. Other times physically- I’d go to sleep early in the evening and stay in bed until morning. And all the time emotionally- I’d break down. I’d cry, I’d scream. Sometimes silently, and sometimes I’d shake and scream so violently my husband was sure he was going to have to take me to the hospital. I have never been in a place that dark before and I pray I never am again. What was so difficult about my depression is that it came to fruition 3 years after the situation that caused it in the first place. It was like I had this 3 year build up of emotions and feelings of grief that finally came to a head last fall. And when it hit, it hit hard.
In April of 2005 I was your typical college senior excited and driven for the path ahead of me. I lived in Nashville, a city I loved so deeply, and was graduating with top honors from a great school with a degree in music business. I had some great internships under my belt and was really excited to start my career in the music industry. I even interviewed with my dream company! Flash forward 4 months, I had a full time job- working for my family’s business. I was not in Nashville. I was not in the music industry. I was back in the suburbs of Philadelphia, where I grew up, because I was told I needed to come home. She was sick again and wasn’t getting better this time. On September 16, 2005 I kissed my mom good-bye and heard her speak for the first time since she went into her morphine-induced coma. She said, “I love you,” and it was at that moment then that I realized she wasn’t going to win her 7 year battle with cancer. They had been telling me for 7 years she wasn’t going to win it, but I didn’t believe it until that moment. When she died the next morning my world crashed. Everything I knew, thought, dreamed… vanished. I lost who I was.
No, that wasn’t when I discovered the Twilight books and felt a connection to Bella when she lost Edward! I didn’t discover anything because I didn’t do much of anything. I tried to figure out what life looked like with 3 younger sisters (the youngest losing her mom at age 11) and a dad who didn’t know what to do with us; I tried to figure out what to do when all I wanted was to talk to my mother, and I tried to figure out who this new person was that I had become. I don’t have many memories of that time in my life. Everything is a little blurry up until last fall- up until the day I was driving to work and I had this epiphany that when I lost my mom, I lost myself. And that realization was confusing. So who was I now? Could I get my old self back? Would I ever care about the things I used to love and strive for again? Would anything matter to me again? Would my passion for life come back? And did I want it to? What did it mean about my grief for losing my mom if I could find happiness again? All of those feelings and questions plus the never-ending grief put me in that dark place I never wish to visit again.
By the time you and I had that conversation on 12/8/08 that will go down in history (seriously, history book writers, hear me now- there will be BOOKS written about that day!) I had already read the books and seen the movie many times. Twilight had already given me many “Cullen Smiles,” but I’d hardly say it was life-changing. But that decision we made that day was. I didn’t even realize what had happened until months later. But one day last spring I woke up and realized it had been weeks- months even since I last screamed so loud I lost my voice. I couldn’t remember the last time I thought life wasn’t worth living. All I knew is that without me even realizing it, I had dreams again. I had desires for my future. I wanted to make plans for my life. And in between all that I wanted to continue to write letters to silly characters or 23 year old boys who would never (hopefully) read them. I wanted to make people laugh. I wanted to make you laugh. And I wanted to make myself laugh. A silly idea you & I came up with in an AIM conversation turned into one of the most important things in my adult life- it literally saved me.
Life isn’t perfect- it’s far from it. I’m still in a job I hate. We still haven’t moved away from where we’re living. I still deal with grief that seems unbearable at times, but on the other hand I feel inspired now. I feel creative, and I feel loved and blessed to laugh every day with an amazing internet wife like you. Someday all this vampire blogging stuff will end, and I will be so sad when it does. Yes- because I’ll miss it. I love writing our daily letters! And yes because I’ll miss the community we have here, but mostly I’ll miss you and having an excuse to talk to you each and every day. Moon you have given me a gift I’ll never know how to repay. (I’m not talking about that personal RobPorn you sent me with Rob singing, “Come just as you are..” either.) I’ve started to find myself again, and for that I’m forever grateful.
Here’s to another great year (and probably like 3 others after that if Breaking Dawn is made into 2 movies- FOLs!),
Oh wait, I’m not done….
Gushy letter round 2:
Dear LTR & LTT readers (and Rob),
Thank you. Thank you for reading us for a year. Or a few months. Or a few days. Whatever it is. Thank you. You’re the only reason we do this. If it was still just Moon & I, we might just be sending “My Kung Fu is strong” e-mails back & forth instead of blogging. You inspire me. With your letters, your tweets, your emails, your texts, your IM chats & facebook messages, I have laughed harder in the last year than I think I have in my 26 years combined! I have learned so much about people- about fans- about cougars (!). I have made some of the dearest friends from within this community. I have found other people who have experienced a deep loss and hugged them tight (sometimes virtually). And I have smiled. And laughed. And said, “I can’t believe my life” over and over again! I am blessed. I don’t know why. But I am grateful. I’m also crying because of how grateful I am so I’m probably starting to be repetitive. Who cares. I love each and every one of you, even if we’ve never talked. I still don’t understand why you read us day after day, but I’m glad you do because I need you to make ME laugh! And you do, over and over again….Thank you times infinity….!
My kung fu is strong (but my tear ducts are not..….),
Dear Forum Mods,
Yes I just added this this morning! I didn’t realize Moon was doing this today! Whoops. You are INCREDIBLE women who Moon & I couldn’t do this without! We love your emails with hilarious pictures or stories from Rob’s flat. We love your never-ending video updates, Jena! And your RobPorn JodieO & Zephyersky (with all the help from all the girls in the forum!) And Kristin, I can’t wait until we seal the deal on our friendship in person! (Aka sing “We are the Rob” together. Maybe for Rob, even…) There are so many of you we want to hug & thank personally…. I’ll just leave you with this one. The gals at Rob’s flat made this INCREDIBLE anniversary website for us. Go go now. You’ll die. I cried tears of laughter and joy. Thank you xo
UC (aka Buttons)
We spend our days being funny and are rarely (aka NEVER) this vulnerable & honest. I don’t say this for any sort of pity…. I throw enough pity parties myself I think it’s so important for you to know that behind the smiles and laughter we have stories too. Just like so many (all) of you do. And I wanted you to know how important to my healing writing LTT & LTR has been. And if you ever struggle, like I have, with feeling guilty for laughing or feeling joy amidst deep griefs- know that it’s okay. It’s okay to find joy in the trivial things in life (like vampires and hot 23 year old boys) from time to time. You’re not alone.* You have us. Plus thousands of others who are here too. XO
*Said in the same tone as “They’re NOT bears.”
Remember how we love the Bite Me Edward Notepads? Well, we’re giving one away to celebrate our anniversary! We have one for LTT and one for LTR! All you have to do is comment. We’ll use some random winner generator thinger to pick a random winner! Make sure your email address you use to comment is correct because we’ll email you to get your address!
Still looking for stocking stuffers or gifts for friends? Buy these Bite Me Edward Notepads. They are AMAZING. Seriously, I just lost mine and I’m a major sad panda right now. Actually scratch the give-away idea, I’m gonna keep one for myself (kidding… sorta)
Holiday Shop on Lobotome Now!