We’re really behind on emails. Like really really behind. You should probably spank me Uh, anyway, I thought we’d catch up and clear out our inbox with a few letters from YOUR mailbag, sprinkled in with some of your new Vanity Fair pictures. (Yes, new pictures again. Vanity Fair just gives and gives and gives- just like me.) Love, UC
A Medical Justification
I’ve been studying recent HQ pics of your latest pictures and noticed smile lines not usually associated with someone your age. As a non-medical professional, I’d like to tell you about the difference between biological age and chronological age.
Although you are 23 years old biologically, you drink beer like it’s water, smoke like a chimney, eat Hot Pockets and Twix for nourishment. You lock yourself in hotel rooms reading books that appeal to tenured philosophy professors. Your chronological age, therefore, makes you easily in your late 30s. Let’s just say 37, hypothetically speaking.
Although I am in my late 30s biologically, I do not drink (a lot), smoke , or eat microwaved processed foods and candy bars for my main sustenance. I also spend time with two small children on a regular basis. Therefore, according to medical experts, this makes me well in my early 20s. Let’s just say 23, chronologically speaking.
I am confident that even you would give our relationship your Ashton-Demi stamp of approval now that you know this clear distinction.
Not 17 for a long time now but close,
A non-medical professional
How my mother became aware of your hotness (Part 1)
I wanted to share with you the story of how my mother became aware of your hotness and her reaction to it. I think you will enjoy it. It happened when she came home from work today, and I’d just received my newly purchased Robert Pattinson refrigerator magnet. This is how it went down.
Bianca: “I got a package from ebay today.”
the Mother: “Containing what?”
Bianca: “Look at the fridge.”
the Mother looks at the refrigerator.
the Mother: “I’m not having this on my refrigerator.”
Bianca: “Why not?”
the Mother: “I’m just not”.
Bianca: “Don’t be selfish!”
the Mother: “Who is he anyway?”
Bianca: “Robert Pattinson.”
the Mother: “I’m still not having it on my refrigerator door.”
Bianca: “Why the hell not?! He is effing gorgeous! He looks just like James Dean in that picture.”
the Mother: “He’s smoking!”
Bianca: “So what?”
the Mother: “I’M NOT HAVING THIS MAN ON MY REFRIGERATOR!”
Bianca: “What exactly irritates you about this refrigerator magnet?”
the Mother: “Well.. err.. I don’t know..I don’t know anything about this man.. I’m married to your father!”
Bianca: “I am aware of that.”
the Mother: “Yes, so I should have a magnet of your father on the refrigerator instead.”
the Father enters the kitchen.
the Father: “Who is that guy? He looks like James Dean.”
Bianca: “That is Robert Pattinson, and your wife finds him terribly attractive, but she’s too embarrassed to admit it.”
the Father: “Ha, I don’t blame her!”
the Mother blushes deeply and stomps angrily from the room.
Peek in Rob’s mailbag a bit more after the jump!
Not under the New Moon effect
I know this holiday is supposed to be about feeling grateful for what we have, what we see, for you, for the Vanity Fair photoshoot and so many other things that probably will make this letter too long to handle. But right now I gotta say I’m thankful for all the time you were outside the screen on New Moon ´cause it saved you from all these ridiculous dialogues and the cheesy scenes in that movie. Believe me, that’s not an easy thing to say ‘cause I really wanted to see Edward (you) in this movie and before going to watch NW, I was really hopeful after reading the comments that made it a “better” movie than Twilight.
Besides some nice shirtless scenes from the wolfpack and, obviously, your counted appearances, the whole movie was pretty much a bad copy of the book and it seemed to be made from essay footage where the cast -some of them- tried to hold the laughs.
So, after all, it is ok that you were outside the screen on New Moon and I know –hope- that things will be different –better- with Eclipse,
A Turkey-Day Prank
This thanksgiving was spectacular! It was full of food, friends, family, more food, and it even included you. Not literally you. . . . I wish. Here’s how “you” were involved:
So I’m sitting at the little bar my relatives randomly have in their living room, when my not so sober uncle comes over and plops down next to me. He asks me if I have a boyfriend and I was going to answer truthfully (single and ready to mingle) but for some reason my mouth exploded and your name came out instead. My uncle accepted it without blinking an eye, having never read twilight or watched it before, aka he lives under a rock. He asked me a bunch of questions like where you’re from, where you are right now.He asked me your age and keeping up with the Rob-honesty I replied, “23.” Now that freaked my uncle out. How could a 23 year old British-born actor be dating his precious young niece? He speculated that you would be unfaithful to me with that Kristen girl your spending thanksgiving with, or your cougar agent Stephanie ritz. I assured him though that you were loyal, kind, had a weird sense of humor, and even bathed twice a month. Through out this whole conversation it was extremely hard (that’s what she said) for both my cousin and I, to not burst out in laughter. Long story short I told my uncle it wasn’t real later in the evening but only after he was finished sending a heartfelt “take care of my niece” text to my british boyfriend. (all i did was edit my best friends name in the contact info to Rob Pattinson) So Rob how low have i stooped that I would take my imaginary relationship with you this far? Although it was extremely funny and kinda thrilling to have you as my pseudo boyfriend for a few hours, i think i may have taken a few steps over the “that’s normal” line.
Hope you enjoyed you turkey day as much as I did,
Have YOU written Rob a letter? We love getting them and posting the best (even though it takes us FOREVER to respond!) Email your letters to us!