Dear Rob,
Thanks for showing your face yesterday. Moving on, while you were missing I started to see you everywhere. You know- in the trees whispering “spider monkey” as I walked by; Under my bed as I was vacuuming (Actually I did see you under my bed. My RobPorn binder fell out from the under mattress and slipped underneath); And after a night of binge drinking Heineken & eating 2 boxes of Hot Pockets (you know, it was like a “rain dance” to the rob gods for you to show up somewhere), I swear I saw your face for a second in my throw up as I heaved over the toilet. So it’s no surprise that when Hermes Hermes sent us an email about a product she came across, I immediately thought of you.
Hermes Hermes (which is a great name as my first name and married name also rhyme (yep- you caught me. It’s Bunny Hunny)) wrote to tell us about the boyfriend pillow. It advertises,
Do you hate sleeping on your own? Are you unable to sleep on your own? Divorced, separated, widowed or just lonely? Is your partner away a lot? The Boyfriend Arm Pillow is the answer. It’s the ideal bedtime companion with many advantages over sleeping with a man:
- Does not toss and turn
- Does not snore, cough or sneeze
- Does not wake you up in the middle of the night
- Will never complain
- Is always faithful
Hermes thought the following should be added to the description, and I agree:
- DOES NOT FART
- DOES NOT DEMAND SEX IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (WITHOUT RECIPROCAL SATISFACTION)
- DOES NOT GET BREAD CRUMBS ALL OVER THE BED.
- DOES NOT KICK OFF THE COVERS.
- DOES NOT SHOVE YOU OVER ON THE DAMP SPOT ON THE BED
I, of course, immediately ordered myself one of these and it just arrived yesterday. But I upgraded to a “Customized” Boyfriend Arm Pillow. See it after the jump!
I’ve decided to start a new business venture and market this as the “Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow”
The description will be such:
Do you hate sleeping without Rob? Are you unable to sleep without Rob? Divorced because your man isn’t Rob? Separated because your husband left you because you do nothing but think or talk of Rob? Widowed because you killed your husband that one time he said “Rob is a tool?” Or just lonely and depressed because you’ll never get Rob? Is your partner away a lot leaving you with ample time to fanfic it up, caress your laminated RobPorn pictures while surfing the web for news of Rob ? The Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow is the answer. It’s the ideal bedtime companion with many advantages over actually sleeping with Rob:
- Will not turn and leave you after you drift off to sleep to go play videogames with TomStu.
- Does not mumble when he sings you a lullaby.
- Does not wake you up in the middle of the night fearing he heard the PattinsonPants lady outside his window.
- Will never stray for any type of German model, male British singer or mullet-wearer.
- Will not wake you with a late night phone call since the Jitterbug turns off after 9:15 pm.
- Does not get hot pocket crumbs all over the bed.
- Does not mind your cat and mention it’s eventual death.
- Your hair won’t smell like smoke, British friends of Rob or stale beer since the plaid shirt covering will only ever smell of your own drool.
The Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow will be available just in time for you to take him with you to the Midnight showing of New Moon. In fact, if you do and send us a picture of your date-night, you get a $5 rebate. That’s right! With the rebate, the price of the Rob Pattinson Arm Pillow is only $195.95. Plus, if you call in the next 5 minutes, we’ll throw in this Heineken Beer Cooler.
And for LTR readers only, we’re gonna throw in this Rob Pattinson necklace, which we think is supposed to be an image of Frida Kahlo but clearly is, instead, of Rob. All this, plus in-numerous hours of blissful sleep with Rob dreams on a scratchy plaid fabric surface for ONLY $195.95!
Find a better deal out there and I’ll call you Sofa King crazy!
So, Rob, don’t disappear again. You’ve already turned me into an “As seen on TV” sales person. Don’t make me start attending “Mumblers Anonymous” meetings or perusing tweed factories looking for you
I’ll be seeing you,
UnintendedChoice
Thanks to Hermes Hermes for sending this in & for your awesome ideas!
And to Therese for sending in “Frida Roblo”
Discuss where YOU’VE seen Rob on The Forum
And read part 1 of Moon’s “I met Chris Weitz” recap on LTT
Letters to Rob 
I’ll take 3.
By: Jayde on October 30, 2009
at 8:05 am
uh…. can I get one that comes with a mini fake dumpster? it’s for…..garbage…yeah…garbage.
http://www.aquiredtaste.wordpress.com
By: aquiredtaste on October 30, 2009
at 3:36 pm
That picture of the customized Boyfriend Arm Pillow!
I can’t stop laughing!!!
By: Alice - Not an Addikt on October 30, 2009
at 8:10 am
You are a genius and my hero!
By: toooldforthis on October 30, 2009
at 8:17 am
damn it…once u convert that into NZ dollars im gonna have to sell a kidney….:(
on the other hand, i can live without a kidney…but not without a Rob pillow….
where do i pay? 🙂
By: Illegalwolflover on October 30, 2009
at 8:20 am
mwahahahahahahaa…Hope they accept euro’s!
By: natashadushi on October 30, 2009
at 8:52 am
we accept everything. We even accept barcodes from hot pocket boxes. You have to save 1,000 to save up for the arm pillow, but believe me, it’s worth it..
By: unintendedchoice on October 30, 2009
at 10:08 am
We dont have Hot POckets? Heineken Labels perhaps????
By: Illegalwolflover on October 30, 2009
at 7:10 pm
This is brilliant!! Button that flannel incorrectly, and I think you’ve got yourself a million dollar idea!
P.S.- Love the disclaimer: Not Actually UC.
By: tuesdaymidnight on October 30, 2009
at 8:29 am
Seriously, Rob, how hard is it to button up a shirt?? He must be doing this on purpose? I bet Clare cringed when she saw yesterdays pics.
By: Shleeeigh on October 30, 2009
at 9:01 am
Well I think he was either doing it on purpose or he was just so wasted that he couldn’t care! I don’t mind though, it gave me some naughty ideas.
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 10:13 am
seriously it was hard enough to pshop that thing plaid… i probably could’ve figured out how to add an extra button & make it look wrong!
By: unintendedchoice on October 30, 2009
at 10:09 am
Can I get mine with some manbangs?
By: JodieO on October 30, 2009
at 8:30 am
You’re looking for the Bobby Long version, JodieO.
By: tiffanized on October 30, 2009
at 9:05 am
I’m looking for the Bobbert version. I want a mumbler on each arm.
By: jodieo on October 30, 2009
at 10:32 am
haha Get the Brit Pack Pillow Collection. (note: They all share the same cover)
By: Kate on October 31, 2009
at 2:23 am
I am heaving with laughter right now. Manbangs=win.
By: Sharpie on October 30, 2009
at 10:03 am
“Does not wake you up in the middle of the night fearing he heard the PattinsonPants lady outside his window.”
Aww… That is sweet.
I could not do with this fake boyfriend thing because I am the one waking up in the middle of the night annoying the crap out of my love.
I do not fear that it is the PattinsonPants lady because I have never seen her wear Fangbanger pants but the day I do, I will be scared.
PS. Frida Roblo has the almost the same eyebrows as the genius that was Frida Kahlo. Maybe that is where they got the idea?
By: fangbanger06 on October 30, 2009
at 8:37 am
I bet that’s actually really comfortable to sleep with. Except for the creepy factor that there’s an arm (and only one) attached. I know I heart my body pillow and lit’rally can NOT sleep without it. I take it on trips.
I’ll take two.
By: PinkDolphin on October 30, 2009
at 8:41 am
Good idea. Take 2 and you have your nightly Rob sandwich.
By: gizmo on October 30, 2009
at 9:44 am
Mwahahahahaha.
I want to buy one. But then I have to hide it with the other Rob-secret stuff and fanfic in te dark left corner of my attic.
How I am supose the explain DH about the Heineken cooler? “the Heineken cooler came with the Boyfriend Arm Pillow ?”
Think he would believe me?
By: natashadushi on October 30, 2009
at 8:50 am
You can tell him that the boyfriend arm pillow came with with Heineken cooler you bought especially for him.
Btw, does the RPAP come with an inner compartment to store away an external harddrive and fanfiction binder?
By: Alice - Not an Addikt on October 30, 2009
at 9:11 am
“…we’re gonna throw in this Rob Pattinson necklace, which we think is supposed to be an image of Frida Kahlo but clearly is, instead, of Rob.”
That necklace is the funniest thing I have ever seen!!
By: Shleeeigh on October 30, 2009
at 8:59 am
I work on a college campus and I was walking through the student center today when I walked by a group promoting “Dia de los muertos” and lo and behold, they had a giant picture of Frida Kahlo. After today’s post I walked by them with the stupidest grin on my face!
By: Lindelle on October 30, 2009
at 4:58 pm
BWAHAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh!! I needed that this morning!
My good friends have Heineken on tap at their house!! Since Rob has FINALLY resurfaced I think he needs to make his way across country and I could help him tap that…….. 😉
By: KatieDid on October 30, 2009
at 9:10 am
The boyfriend arm pillow makes for a sad Brookie.
By: brookelockart on October 30, 2009
at 9:24 am
I ❤ Brookie, but hate Moonie pie cause that is what I do.
By: Janetrigs on October 30, 2009
at 11:31 am
And just when I thought I had seen everything.
Weird.
By: sassysmart on October 30, 2009
at 9:29 am
I’m totally with you…lol
By: robgirl86 on October 30, 2009
at 11:12 am
This has got to be better than sleeping with my cardboard cut-out.
By: ItsLauraHoney on October 30, 2009
at 9:41 am
You do that, too?? 😉
By: Marz on October 30, 2009
at 10:29 am
I agree. Far less paper cuts.
By: Sharpie on October 30, 2009
at 12:43 pm
I bet TomStu already has one.
By: gizmo on October 30, 2009
at 9:46 am
re: TomStu; YES! TomStu alredy does have one. In fact he was the one who wrote me about it).
Except you have to make it smell like stale cigs and man BO for it to resemble Robbie
-x H
By: Hermes on October 31, 2009
at 4:54 pm
My favorite part of your customized boyfriend pillow is the fact that it comes complete with a REAL hand holding a hot pocket. Creepy, but authentic.
By: HeyyyBrother on October 30, 2009
at 9:52 am
Whahaha I hadn’t thought of that! Creeptastic!
By: Alice - Not an Addikt on October 30, 2009
at 1:31 pm
P.S. The first pillow is clearly the Edward Cullen version. Blue button down shirt? Maybe it comes complete with half a pea coat… For authenticity’s sake, it should also be made of rock. Not much of a pillow, but I bet it’d sell anyway.
By: HeyyyBrother on October 30, 2009
at 9:56 am
comes with pea coat and a scrap of tweed options.
By: lapushbaby on October 30, 2009
at 10:38 am
You could make a special edition including this: http://bit.ly/1sfvin WARNING do not open if anyone who might possibly fire you is around.
And yes, it sparkles.
Disclaimer: I only know about this because Perez Hilton tweeted about it today. I do NOT roam the internets looking for these, err, things.
Maybe it could also be combined with cardboard Edward. Just sayin.
Am now going to look for a bucket of bleach to let my brain soak in for the rest of the day. And possibly my eyeballs, too.
By: notanaddiktbella on October 30, 2009
at 9:57 am
I saw this a while ago. I want one, and it seems I am not alone “Due to popular demand, this item is temporarily sold out.”
Oooer!
By: Shleeeigh on October 30, 2009
at 10:01 am
Are u friggin kidding me? Sold out already?
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 10:14 am
I wonder if it is sold out, because people think it’s authentic. You know, that this is REALLY Edward Cullen’s penis model. We all know the real Edward is probably uncut given the timing of his birth and all that. Who are they trying to fool?
By: lovemesomecullens on October 30, 2009
at 10:20 am
actually, circumcision has been extremely popular in the US since the 1860s so Edward was prob cut….why do I know this you ask…I did extensive research when I found out I was having a boy, trying to figure out why, why, why would anyone want to chop off the man parts….
errr, no offense meant of course
By: rpgirl27 on October 30, 2009
at 11:49 am
Thanks for posting the link to MyPleasure! One of my BFFs works for those guys. They’re awesome!
By: DontQuestionMe on October 30, 2009
at 1:19 pm
I really really want that Frida Roblo Necklace, I do! Really.
By: lapushbaby on October 30, 2009
at 10:03 am
LMAO! Oh you make me smile (like Uncle Kracker says)!
I want mine to come with 2 days scruff! And a button I can push that sings “Never Think” with a censor that can tell when I’ve fallen asleep so it will automatically shut off.
“Does not mind your cat and mention it’s eventual death.”
LOL!
By: Jena on October 30, 2009
at 10:07 am
Ditto to the scruff! The talk button should be programmed with a variety of phrases:
“You’re like a drug to me.”
“What if I’m the bad guy?”
“I’m tired of trying to stay away from you.” (paraphrasing)
We can definitely leave out the comments about soiling himself and cats dying. I hadn’t even seen that clip about KStew’s – funny but so mean!
By: StotheP on October 30, 2009
at 10:37 am
cat. the clip about KStew’s cat, is what I meant.
Oh, and UC – seeing Rob in your hurl? Ick. Two points for grossness.
By: StotheP on October 30, 2009
at 10:40 am
Ooooh yes, a quote button!
I would want the kiss moan programmed from the
scene that leaked a few days ago.
Then I would want the moan programmed
from the restaurant in Twilight that he does
after Bella says “you gotta give me some answers”!
By: Jena on October 30, 2009
at 11:01 am
Where’s the other arm?????……*wink wink*
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 10:10 am
What a smart idea! Oh my goodness I laughed so hard I snorted on my tea!
“Do you hate sleeping without Rob? Are you unable to sleep without Rob? Or just lonely and depressed because you’ll never get Rob?”
All of the above. My hubby works nights and I’m all alone in the house. My bed feels cold and empty, I need someone to keep me company. 🙂 And of course I’ll never get Rob so that makes me sad :-(. Can’t I get the real thing?
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 10:11 am
Can I get mine laminated??? Cuz…uh…you know.
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 10:12 am
HAHAHA. HAHA. HA. What do you MEAN? (wink, wink)
By: StotheP on October 30, 2009
at 10:34 am
Does it make, ‘the moan’, when you squeeze the hand?
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 10:12 am
Can I put it in the freezer, and switch to a grey pea coat every other day for variety?
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 10:13 am
Does it have airbrushed abs? Half, I mean.
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 10:14 am
It has a 3 pack
By: ItsLauraHoney on October 30, 2009
at 10:49 am
That’ll do.
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 11:05 am
Is there a satisfaction guarantee?
Seriously. This is imperative.
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 10:15 am
You have a lot of really good questions. Could you get one and then type up a report? kthx
By: lapushbaby on October 30, 2009
at 10:48 am
I could do that. Of course I’d have to sample the real thing first. In order to give an accurate summary of my findings. You know. For science. Quality control. Comparison shopping.
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 11:04 am
True, you will need to sample the real one to assess authenticity, and establish a baseline….
By: lapushbaby on October 30, 2009
at 11:27 am
Yes. And me ‘sampling’ the ‘real one’ wont creep him out at all. Not at all.
By: Proselyte3 on October 30, 2009
at 2:44 pm
no ways.
By: lapushbaby on October 30, 2009
at 3:53 pm
“It’s the ideal bedtime companion with many advantages over actually sleeping with Rob.”
Is it sad that I would disagree? I wouldn’t mind so much the Hot Pocket crumbs in bed or the mumbling. Yeah, it’s sad. As is the boyfriend pillow.
By: Kendall on October 30, 2009
at 10:16 am
Sorry ladies, I just had to share this! A friend of mine emailed this to me last night! Pattinson panties!!! LMAO
http://trueslant.com/lilyq/2009/10/29/get-robert-pattinson-of-twilight-in-your-pants/
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 10:18 am
Creeptastic.
*searching for ordering info*
By: lovemesomecullens on October 30, 2009
at 10:33 am
I saw these last night..I love that his lovely lips are right on the crotch. I was reading the comments on whatever website I saw them on, and people were going on about how disrespectful it was. I felt guilty for a second but really I think they’re brilliant.
By: dazzledtodeath on October 30, 2009
at 12:02 pm
I actually emailed it to DH, I asked him if I could have them (I was just kidding). He said absolutely NOT!!!
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 12:36 pm
They were hand made for the chicks that run TWITARED blog. “Snarkier then you” and Jenny Jerkface
By: Tasha on October 30, 2009
at 1:05 pm
All I want to know is will it smell musky/hot pocket-y like Rob? With just a hint of second-hand smoke and Heineken…?
If so, I’ll take one. These Canadian nights are getting longer… le sigh.
By: Marz on October 30, 2009
at 10:26 am
P.S. I hate it when I have to retype my address!! Although, this dude sure is cute and sassy! 🙂
By: Marz on October 30, 2009
at 10:27 am
UC you are a marketing genius!! Absolutely genious!!
Where do I order?
By: MrsKowski on October 30, 2009
at 10:27 am
Kudos to Hermes for no Dutch Ovens! And the wet spot! Too funny!
Mah man has been working out of town a lot lately and I could for sure use this since my traitor dog threatens to maul me if I so much as mention cuddling.
By: StotheP on October 30, 2009
at 10:31 am
You lost a sale with this line:
“Your hair won’t smell like smoke, British friends of Rob or stale beer since the plaid shirt covering will only ever smell of your own drool.”
If this pillow does not smell of eau de Rob, then I am not interested!
By: Amber on October 30, 2009
at 10:31 am
OH…and UC, kudos on being so blase about him finally showing his face.
By: ItsLauraHoney on October 30, 2009
at 10:34 am
Thank God he’s back, much fodder for you and crying laughing for me!
By: thesquid on October 30, 2009
at 10:39 am
I wish this pillow had a waist and legs. I sleep on my side and I like to hitch my leg up. Can you take special orders? I’d really want to be able to wrap one of my legs on it. 😛
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 10:45 am
So funny, scroll down honey, we had the same wish about the leg…love it!
By: robgirl86 on October 30, 2009
at 11:16 am
yes, you need to start production on the Rob Torso immediately.
By: dazzledtodeath on October 30, 2009
at 12:04 pm
Our Prayers have been answered !!!
http://www.atwilightkiss.com/robert-pattinson-and-kristen-stewart-embark-on-new-moon-publicity-campaign.html
By: Liela on October 30, 2009
at 10:57 am
Great post UC, this is simply hardcore…
My reactions:
1. hahahahaha
2. how weird is THAT?
3. I NEED this, but with one leg, one great hip, 1/2 fine ass (you know, in the night I have to wrap my leg around it…)
4. the head? I ‘m fixated with his sexy face and hair….but only a half? Nooooooooo!!!
5. Conclusion: Too creepy for me…
BIG SHOUT to Mr. BF: “You can come back to bed!!!”
By: robgirl86 on October 30, 2009
at 11:09 am
Haha, you and I think alike! :-). I would just roll all over the bed with that Rob pillow/trunk/torso. Sigh. And you’ve already seen my comment on how I would like to hitch my leg up on this thing.
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 12:40 pm
Yessssss, I saw it!
So please southernbelle, at this point of our relationship, from now on would you allow me to call you my sister-in-Rob?
By: robgirl86 on October 30, 2009
at 12:52 pm
@robgirl86. LOL, sure thing hon! We are now sister-in-Robs! 🙂 Wish we were friends in RL, won’t that be grand!?
My 2 yr old daughter is running around in circles screaming I love Rob so I better skidaddle…I think she had a little too many sweets! Haha.
XO
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 1:33 pm
That would be amazing, we have real chemistry…, my sister-in-Rob (I’m proud of it! so I have to repeat it often….lol)
and
I really was certain, a LOVELY mum can only have an INTELLIGENT child: at the age of 2 she’s just speaking whole and very meanful sentences !!! Another big hug!
By: robgirl86 on October 30, 2009
at 1:50 pm
Aww, thanks. Yes my daughter does talk well, and the only time she’s not talking is when she’s eating and asleep. Before nap today she said “I love you Rob.” Ha!
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 4:39 pm
Can you make mine with the Daniel Gale rainbow sweater? I heart Daniel Gale!
Srsly, you could make all the Rob versions, Kellan, Jackson, Peetah, Billy, Taylor, Wolf boys. This thing is going to make you millions! Too bad Billy Mayes is gone, he could have sold the hell out of this. (RIP Billy).
My hubs is actually in Malaysia for the last 2 weeks and I would seriously consider buying this thing! A girl has to get some sleep and no farts is always a plus!
By: 3hboyshouse on October 30, 2009
at 11:32 am
Ohhh Daniel Gale owns me!
One word: LEGS!
By: Alice - Not an Addikt on October 30, 2009
at 2:33 pm
Legs, legs, thighs! I love them, no, i had got addicted to them! hahaha
By: robgirl86 on October 30, 2009
at 7:01 pm
That pillow scares me and reminds me of the Ice Truck Killer from Dexter. Gahhhh!!
By: Janetrigs on October 30, 2009
at 11:33 am
Oooohhh yeah, Dexter’s creepy brother who was murdering prostitutes and sleeping with Dex’s adopted sister!!
Yeah, you’re right.
Scarey
By: lovemesomecullens on October 30, 2009
at 1:31 pm
LMAO – this rocked! The best line was:
“Will not wake you with a late night phone call since the Jitterbug turns off after 9:15 pm.”
By: Krystle on October 30, 2009
at 12:05 pm
Does anyone remember Spy magazine? No.Okay. They did a separated at birth thing in every issue.
Rob and Frida Kahlo definitely could have been separated at birth. Especially that picture of Rob where he’s got his hands under his chin and it looks like he has a big bow on his head.Looks just like that pic of Frida on the necklace, just a little less severe.
By: dazzledtodeath on October 30, 2009
at 12:11 pm
I should get that necklace and send it to Rob. It would be a great accessory to the shirt I sent him.
By: southernbelle on October 30, 2009
at 12:42 pm
Please do it.
By: Shleeeigh on October 30, 2009
at 2:10 pm
I’ll take 2! I’d like 1 in the standard plaid edition and 1 customized with a wifebeater, large tuft of armpit hair, and pack of cigs.
By: DontQuestionMe on October 30, 2009
at 1:28 pm
Yep, I request an armpit hair version too!
By: JJElektric on October 30, 2009
at 10:28 pm
Wow! I’ve heard rumors about the sparkle peen, now 1/2 a torso and arm. Looks like you can order him part by part online (some assembly required – ha ha). I don’t know where you girls find this stuff but it cracks me up each time you do. I love Jena’s idea about the quote button too. For an additional $59.99 you can upgrade with the quote button! Ha ha.
By: IfOnly on October 30, 2009
at 2:07 pm
OH MY …
This is WAY better than a BODY PILLOW!
I am speechless.
By: Ashley Fragomeni on October 30, 2009
at 2:12 pm
I’ll take two! Then glue them together to make one (freaky shiz!)
Sofa king hysterical!
By: stalkercousin on October 30, 2009
at 2:38 pm
whoo! I’m totally famous!
this post is awesome, I better start commenting more regularly 🙂
By: Therese on October 30, 2009
at 4:50 pm
yes you better!
By: unintendedchoice on October 30, 2009
at 5:30 pm
PRICELESS!!!!!
hahaha! loves it ❤
By: hunnieb on October 30, 2009
at 7:51 pm
[…] Weird stuff that reminds me of Rob Pattinson Dear Rob, Thanks for showing your face yesterday. Moving on, while you were missing I started to see you everywhere. […] […]
By: Top Posts « WordPress.com on October 30, 2009
at 8:17 pm
I LOVE today’s letter! Y’all make me smile 🙂
Bet Rob wishes he had that Heineken Beer Cooler himself! 😉
By: elle on October 30, 2009
at 8:36 pm