Posted by: UC | October 21, 2009

Rob Pattinson responds to his fanmail

I grabbed my school bag filled with No. 2 pencils from inside my fort to write back to fans today!

I grabbed my school bag filled with No. 2 pencils from inside my fort to write back to fans today!

Dear LTRers,

Since I, Robert Pattinson, run the site “Letters to Rob” because I’m a vain person who manages a website where people submit letters to me under the guise of two crazy (but very hot) fans, UC & Moon, I decided today to respond to some of my fan mail myself. I have nothing better to do. I’ve been holed up in my hotel room for weeks. I haven’t seen the light of day, haven’t run a comb through my hair, haven’t thrown away a single empty hot pocket box for weeks, have enjoyed making a fort out of the empty hot pocket boxes, have requested 3 bottles of Raid ant killer to destroy the little guys who have infested my fort and have gotten quite high from the fumes of 3 bottles of ant killer. It was okay though. I write killer songs when I’m high. Not surprisingly my latest song was to Kristen and had a rousing chorus of, “I’m gonna raid your heart like an ant raids a fort” Ehh… doesn’t sound so good in writing. I’ll sing it next time I’m on D Choice’s show “Interviews with people before they’re irrelevant.” Or maybe I’ll mumble it. That might be better.
here come the mumbles
Anyway, on to responding to letters!
finally
Love always,
Robert Thomas Pattinson, master fort maker
get ready for the crazy

I sent up a message 3 or 4 months ago….. where is my reply?!?! U guys when u have free time, just reply, ok?!?!?! I’m sick of waiting for a reply from what i used to think were the cool guys….. u SUCK!!!!!!! >=(

REPLY OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLOODY REPLY!!!!!!!!!!! ♥

Dear Have Patience,
don’t be in such a hurry
First of all, you wrote me on September 8th- which is just over a month ago. I’m really famous, so it takes me awhile to respond. In your first email you told me you were 12 and that you’d like to know more about me. Okay. I don’t like kids and you’re basically one, so I probably wouldn’t like you. Unless you like forts. Then I might like you. I do like to have sex in my fort. With myself usually, but off and on I bring in a guest. Is that the type of stuff you like to learn about me?
when you get impatient, you only start to worry
Love,
Rob
remember, remember, that god is patient toooooo
Hey babe its me. The one youd love even if I was a traveling Evangelical singer

Hey babe it's me- the one you'd love even if I was a traveling Evangelical singer

Hey Rob…I know you must be thinking,”Oh, its just any other fan letter saying that he or she loves me or something like that”. Well yes, I Love You… The moment I saw you I was totally crazy for you. I wish that i have personal contact with you… I do wish that you gave me your email id or phone number… That would be like a dream or fantasy coming true… I know that it may not be possible for you but please try. I really love you… I swear that even if you were not someone famous or an actor i would still love you… You are a great actor… I saw your movie for the 18th time today… I have all the books of twilight and i completed reading all… Its nice that you took up the role. I hope its not an agent answering this mail.. If it is please, please give me Rob’s id… I’m not like the crazy people who would make a website of your is or advertise it… Please do reply… i love you… <3

Dear crazy in love,

I believe you. That you love me. It was when you told me you’d love me even if I wasn’t famous. That really touched my soul and proved to me that you really do love me. Even though I am famous. And played Edward Cullen. that doesn’t matter to you.  You swore on it!

Love,
Rob

PS: I wasn’t sure what you meant by “ID,” so I attached a scan of my driver license (currently revoked in all of the United States and 3 provinces in Canada), a copy of my passport & a 3 year old membership ID card to “Planet Fitness.” Actually I’ll mail you the original of that card. I have only been there once and that was to sign up for the membership.  They take money out of my checking account each month. Consider it a gift from me to you- my one true fan who really loves me for me.

Running to my fort real quick to grab more No. 2 pencils. I’ll be back faster than you can click “Read More”

i love edward cullen and no offence rob ur american accent sucks!
i am hurt
Dear hurtful words thrower,
Hello. I’m Edward Cullen
What american accent? That was supposed to be Australian.
I love rob
Love,
Rob
i love bobbygee
Don't attack! I told her I wanted a "military" look. But I meant circa 1800s. It was an easy mistake. Anyone could have made it

Don't attack! I told her I wanted a "military" look. But I meant military circa 1800s. I like wearing a white wig. It was an easy mistake. Anyone could have made it

Dear Rob,I know you said once (or twice) that you don’t know what it is that we (screaming fans of yours) find so great about how you look. I know you also said that if there was some way to change your face you would. Well, there are ways, but please for everything and everyone you love, don’t change it! I will cry my heart out if any plastic surgeon takes away your incredible beauty for cash. That is a sin and i would get whoever were to do it with a very sharp lethal weapon. I would scorch the flesh off that surgeon’s head if he/she were to go anywhere near you. Sorry for that graphic piece of information but if you walk into (or go near) one of those places where people gat new faces (and b**bs) then you would be endangering the lives of everyone in that building. Just something i wanted you to know. Because it festers me from the inside out to think about how you would come out of there.

Love a heartsick fan of yours.

Dear arsonist/heartsick fan of mine,

Thanks for the reminder to never let it slip where I get my haircut. We wouldn’t want there to be an, uh, mishap with a pair of scissors, you and my hairdresser if she accidentally cuts me a little shorter than your liking.

Love,
Rob

Ps: I love b**bs

hi i just read u want to go back to london i dont blame you the girls here are crazy and your not use to that it just feels like you hate your fans even me but i would never do that i mean if i met you i would not scream or try to pull your cloths off i would say hello i love all of your movies and your a hardworker lol if i was you i would take a break from all the fame and everything to go back to your hometown and just stay there for awhile and get to know your fans and see your friends and family there that’s what i would do just keep up your good hard work and take a break once in awhile and try to ignore the papparazzi i hate them so much lol

p:s: loved you in how to be

Dear How to be lover,

Really? You loved me in that movie? I thought it kinda blew…

Love,
Rob

EWARD MY LIL GIRL GOES CRAZY 4 YOU WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT THE $28,000 KISS SHE SAID U DIDNT KISS THE GIRL CAUSE U R HER BOYFRIEND ND THAT SHE WANTS TO MEET SEE U ND SHE IS ONLY 5 YRS OLD HER NAME IS HAILEY ND IM HER AUNT JESSICA

Dear Aunt Jessica,

Eward here. Yeah- isn’t that crazy that someone paid me $28,000 for a kiss? Also, I’m trying to do the math. Since you type in CAPS, I assume you’re 11ish years old. You have a 5 year old niece, so you were 6 when she was born. So your older sister was probably 10 years older than you and around 16ish when he/she had Hailey? So now she’s 21? Tell her I said “How you doing” and then go put on some teletuubbies or something for the 5 year old. She needs to not know who I am. I plan to leak a sex tape soon. Tell your older sister.

Love,
Rob

*This was NOT written by Rob. Rob does NOT run this site. He does NOT reply to letters written to him via this site. However, I bet it’s safe to assume he DOES make a fort out of his left over hot pocket boxes & even makes wrist cuffs for his friends out of the hot pocket sleeves. It’s pathetic I have to clarify this, but, well, you read the crazy letters “Rob” responded to. So you understand why I did it!

Go hang out at The Forum- NOTE. “Rob’s Flat” is not where Rob actually lives
Gush over Chris Weitz w/ Moon on LTT

All images found a magical way. Go to google. Type in “Robert Pattinson” and watch. Gazillions of IMAGES pop up!

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Responses

  1. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
    This would have to be the funniest lot yet!
    I honestly do not know what to say about these people.
    Well, apart from the fact that the immense number of spelling and grammar mistakes is KILLING me! lol.
    I love that there are girls out there who entertain us so with their sheer batshit-craziness.
    God bless everyone of them! hahahaha

    xox

    • Agreed! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. “How to Be Lover”s letter killed me… I never knew that “lol” was an adequate substitute for a period.

      • Clearly punctuation is a total waste of time and effort. And has been banned from her school system curriculum.

        • punctuation is 4 chumps

          My new tshirt

          • letters like that make me dizzy because I read in my head as if I was talking (tell me you don’t do it too!) and by the end I’m mentally gasping for breath and about to faint

  2. Oh my… punctuation seems to be reserved for those with too much time on their hands, at least according to this generation of writers. I feel old.

    And Heartsick Fan of Rob needs therapy.

    Ok, well, they all do.

    • Heartsick Fan of Rob made me have visions of horrible plastic surgery victims like Mickey Rourke and MJ. I’d seriously vomit if Rob did ever touch altered his face. But where the shit did she hear him ever say this in an interview?? I’m 100% sure he was just using his Brit humor. Rob won’t even wash his hair let alone go under the knife!

  3. Sweet Jesus I love these letters. Essentially they all make me despair for the human race – but then they get awsome answers and my faith is restored!

    Having said that – I agree with ‘How To Be lover’ – Rob really should come back to London and spend time ‘getting to know his fans here.’ And by ‘fans’ I mean me. And by ‘getting to know’ I mean sex.

    • YES ! I’m with you, London is not so far away…lol

      • A certain recent Britney song just popped into my head.

    • Would be willing to move to London if guaranteed to get this kind of attention from Rob.

    • HAHAHAHA. WIN

    • RE; Sex Tape.Another Win for UC. thanks again for making us laugh..!! :)

      The one reply from Robbie:
      ***”Tell her (your older sister) I said “How you doing” and then go put on some teletuubbies or something for the 5 year old. She needs to not know who I am. I plan to leak a sex tape soon. Tell your older sister.””****

      Hey.. that sex tape will win an Oscar Meyer Weiner Award.. for the meatiest weenie of all time.. betcha it’ll be the best seller vid ..
      But no one has said if (in the vid) its Rob having sex with others???!!!.. or just sex with himself.. ???? i’m betting its just robbie alone with his hand, doin’ the hand jive in a dimly lit bathroom…..

      Oh where oh where is TomStu?? my little cupcake!! hurry back to us! Robbie misses you too.. he’s lonely.. Stewie is too mean and angry with our boy. always frowing never smiling.

      Robbie needs his buds around to make him laugh again.
      Can’t wait for the bromancers reunion in November.

  4. There seems to be an endless supply of crazy. Good for us, bad for Rob :(

    This picture drought is killing me. If they would just release a still shot from the “leg hitch” scene in Eclipse, I think we would all be happy. . . for at least a week.

  5. LOL @ b**bs. And that’s a helluva long sentence, howtobelover.

  6. “That is a sin and i would get whoever were to do it with a very sharp lethal weapon. I would scorch the flesh off that surgeon’s head if he/she were to go anywhere near you.”

    I love this “heartsick fan”

    So which of you crazy ladies wrote that? Fess up!
    ;)

    In other news, it is very obvious that Rob does not run this site. He visits it in the form of Rob-bygee. No. I am not delusional. :D

    • It was me fangbanger. It was me. *hides sheepishly in the corner* What can I say??? My love and adoration for the Robward makes me slightly delusional. I’m love sick. And when I get on one of my love sick letters professing my undying devotion, my grammatical skills fly out the window. Plus I like typing in caps, because when you type something in caps it means that you REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT. The bigger the font size, the bigger the fan. :)
      I hope you don’t judge me. BWHAHAHAHA! :D

      • I never judge (except when I do). ;)

        I should have known it was you by your screen name. “Sharpie” must be for your love sniffing sharpies. I heard that can make people crazy.

        iwoudntknownbecausetheonlythingihaveeversmokedwasadollarbill.

        Weird, I know.

        • Yeah. I thought that if my screen name was “Crazy Lady” it would give too much away. I was also considering “ROBS#1FANLOL” but again, I like to express the crazy in my love notes to Rob. :D

  7. I couldn’t continue reading again. 2nd hand embareced again. I will go sit in a fetus pose in the left corner of Rob’s flat….hiding!

    • Yes, because reading these crazy-people-letters make me wonder just how crazy I am??? They say the true mark of a crazy person is that she thinks she is sane, while a sane person knows for sure that she is a little bit crazy: so where does that leave me and my twilightism and robsession??

  8. Dear Heartsick fan,

    Did you really edit the word boobs? Because if you did, you probably do not want to be with Rob. I bet he says something naughtier, like tits. Also, I don’t think it’s proper to say something “festers” you. It just doesn’t sound right. Since your letter was pretty much the only with punctuation, I’ve decided to pick on you. Sorry about that.

    Kisses,

    oink

    PS. You may want to see someone about your anger issues. Sharp lethal weapons and scorching skin? That’s NOT normal!

    • LOL – I bet he uses the term *jugs* :)

      • Ta-tas. I can really hear him saying that. In that gorgeous accent.

        • I hear it too. I can see him saying “Tawh, tawhs taste like caaandy.

    • I hear him actually using the term “melons”.

      • mangos! haha

    • Love Pillows! hahahaha! :)

      • lmao I just googled british slang for boobs- how crazy is that!

        Here are some I imagine coming from Rob’s mouth (oooh, that’s what she said!)

        Knockers
        Bazookas
        BSH=British Standard Handful -the unit by which breasts are measured
        Charlies- from the 70′s- you know Rob’s still there
        Chebs
        Choozies
        Gazungas
        Jugs
        Lotties
        Puppies
        Rib Cushions
        Thrups
        TNTs-two nifty tits (i hate that word)
        Top Bollocks
        Zeps short for zeppelins

        Enough British slang. Have a great day!

        • I’d be willing to bet $7.00 that he calls ‘em “knockers.” I can litt’rally hear him saying it. In fact, I have heard him say it. (to me of course) :)

  9. Just.. Well Amazing. Or in the words of the how to be lover : “lol”

  10. I couldnt stop laughing at these letters and the tweens that wrote them!!
    but then i remembered a certain fan letter(I didnt have EMAIL back then!) i wrote to one of my idols when i was a tween and now im just cringing…..
    im actually empathising for these delusion girls… theyll be emabrassed by these emails one day.

  11. “The moment I saw you I was totally crazy for you. I wish that i have personal contact with you… I do wish that you gave me your email id or phone number… That would be like a dream or fantasy coming true… I know that it may not be possible for you but please try. I really love you… ”

    Um, hello NUT-O. I seriously hope the chicks that are writing “to Rob” are really 11ish (haha-so freaking funny…loves it) year old girls. Because otherwise the world is a whole lot scarier than I had originally thought. I would build a fort made out of Hot Pocket boxes too. Except I would pretend mine was a pirate ship, and Rob would be on board and I would let him “swab my deck” It would totally be all “ARRRR Matey”…I mean, er, never mind. :)

    • the scariest ones are when they are NOT 11 years old…

      • absolutely. and THEY are the ones that give fans a bad rep. crazies…

  12. Hahahaha, hilarious…I’m new here and it’s really hard to believe, that people are writing to LTR thinking that he is here to answer… perhaps they are twelve?

    Anyway you are gorgeous girls, I admire you so much for your dry humour!

    My personal letter would be very short..

    Hi Rob,
    I want to bang you!
    It’s legal, I’m 30, I love forts!
    Chris

    • hi new girl!
      Everyone wave hi!

      Thanks for your kind words!

      • Hello robgirl86 (Waves) Welcome to our “Den of Sin”, you’ll love it here…we’re crazy.

        • Thank you both so much, I stayed here pretty much as a mute reader, because I’m a little scary of my english abilities, I am german/italian, it’s not sooo easy to find the right words for my thoughts, but anyway I love this blog so much, so I have find the courage to sign up…

          Plus I am so lost in love with this guy I have to share this insane part of my life from now on !!!

          Then I thought…perhaps one day I would like to write a lettertoRob….hahahaha so you teached me already a bunch of GOOD words and phrases…(why I cannot find them in my dictionary? )

          You know, it’s like THERAPY……lol

          • Don’t worry, you’ll always be the better speller of the two of us.

  13. Moon & UC, Please don’t post any more letters that have no periods, letters where numbers are used to stand in for words or letters that either contain no capitals or are ALL capitals. It’s too depressing. I hope when my daughter is writing crazy, stalkerish letters to some as yet undetermined person she will use proper grammar and punctuation.

    The heartsick arsonist is truly scary. Don’t let her find out you’re not really Rob.

    • you are so right! Moon and UC… you have to hide from that girl! she “would scorch the flesh off those blogger’s head if they were to go anywhere near his letters”.

      That girl need help, seriously!

    • oh gosh.. that’s true….. i need to stalk myself again soon and see how easy it is to find out who I really am.

      I’ll forget about the 3 LTT letters I responded to yesterday using my real name.

    • Why don’t you take over her fan letter schooling so as to ensure her letters to next year’s James Dean are perfect?

  14. Yes, these letters are hilarious, but the best part of this post is: “I’m gonna raid your heart like an ant raids a fort.”

    That is just pure gold.

  15. What do you mean Rob doesn’t really live in Rob’s Flat?!?! What the hell am I mod’ing it for if there isn’t a chance I’m going to catch Rob coming out of the shower at some point?!?! Hrmph!

    PS. If Rob ever got himself a pair of b**bs then he would really never come out of his hotel room.

  16. Oh my! sure there are lots of crazy girls around!
    That’s why the guy is so scared of fans!

    ps. thanks for taking your precious time to answer Rob ;)

  17. Heartsick is a bunny boiler in training.

    u SUCK!!!!!!! >=(

    • “A bunny boiler in training” PPPBBBBTTTTTTT!!!!!! Loves it!
      No wonder he’s in hiding. Can you imagine the nut-o’s that he has the pleasure of meeting in person?? I just keep thinking, “It puts the lotion in the basket.” Creeeeeeepy!

      • It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!

        • FYI I’m sitting at my desk at work laughing and looking like an idiot.

      • I died…a bunny boiler in training..I can only immagine the meaning, it’s not in my dictionary…hahaha…”the pleasure of meeting the nut-o’s in person”..girl, you made my day…I’m still laughing!

        • Aww :) Thanks robgirl! And I think the “bunny boiler” is in reference to the film ‘Fatal Attraction’ (with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close), and Glenn is a psycho lover who boils Michael’s daughters bunny in a cooking pot because she was just a lil’bit nuts. :) Something tells me some of these Rob “fans” aren’t too far off the bunny boiler mark. ;)

    • omg! bunny boiler. so sad!

  18. I love love love these posts. Seriously.

    It’s been a while since I was in grade school, but have they stopped teaching punctuation? Just curious.

    Also, love how heartsick fan is totally ok with graphic threatening to maim and injure people but will censor the word boobs.

    • I think that she goes to Zoolander School For Kids Who Can’t Read Good.

      • YES!!! That is most definitely the only logical explanation.

        p.s. I like how I make fun of these people for their poor grammar, and then proceed to say something like “graphic threatening” in my own post. Fail. I see what you did there, karma. I get it.

    • Kids don’t care about punctuation because of internet…there isn’t anyone to mark the wrong grammar…they love it…,trust me I’m a teacher. It’s such a saaad job, you cannot immagine. It’s all one sentence from the top to the end…by the way ..while reading I am marking grammar tests….lol

  19. MY God,
    I really hope that when Rob goes to one of those places to gat a new face he doesn’t get b**bs too.

    The “tuck” was hard enough to look at. I certainly don’t want to see any funbags to go with it.

    haha lol haha lol (just because)

  20. hahah thanksss ROB for answering the mail! its been a while since we’ve gotten your insight to delusional, illiterate teen/tween girls that think the entire world revolves around robward..
    the horrible grammar was annoying to get thru!
    wow.. i wonder what it feels like sometimes to have air in your head. :P
    <3 kudos ladies, its great that you have the same cynical humour that all of us have when looking at the hardcore twi-fans. :P

  21. FakeRobs’s response to Jessica with the five year old niece is the BEST! I can’t stop laughing. I think Rob WOULD say this once he was out of Summit’s clutches. He would however get in trouble with his mom who apparanrly gives him sh!t about vulgar language. If you haven’t read that you must, Rob goes total adorable 14-year old about his mum believing all the Internet rumors about him. Which makes me want to be able to tattle on him… If only there was a way to talk to Claire. :)

    • there’s a letter drafted to Claire about that very interview :)

      • Is it by you guys?… if so, when will we see it?

  22. I laughed like a crazy person .. and I was saying .. THAT’S Crazy …and my sister gave me a You’re-the-crazy-person-here ..LOL

  23. Great….I work for a plastic surgeon and now all day when I talk to patients about implants I am NOT going to be able to keep a straight face…..Mr. Robby Fortbuilder would be in hog heaven if he worked in my office! B**bs everywhere!! :)

    obird

  24. “Don’t like kids and you’re basically one, so I probably wouldn’t like you. Unless you like forts. Then I might like you. I do like to have sex in my fort.”

    LMAO!

    Forts….the new dumpsters!

    • Forts the new dumpsters!!! YES!!!!

      • Welcome to Fort Dumpster, home of USAAFF (that’s US Air Force, Forks)

    • love it! “Do you like Forts?”
      Moon add it to your Bite me notepad for T-shirt ideas!

      • Crap! Now I need 9 shirts! I am going to go broke buying LTT/LTR t-shirts!

        • Maybe we could build forts INSIDE the dumpster?! LMAO!

  25. juajuajauajaujauajauajauajauaj
    The responses are hilarious!!!!
    juajuajauajauajua
    I can’t stop laughing!!!
    But, I can’t stop notice the “I’ve been holed up in my hotel room for weeks”… because its sort of true! where are you Rob????
    ok, i have to stop laughing now, jajajjajajajajja

  26. Forts. B**bs. Scorching and maiming!!!

    Hilarious stuff.

    I must say though, my 8 year old has better punctuation than these tragic tweenie fans. Whoever pays for their education ought to be demanding a refund.

  27. Good Lord, I agree with all the above posts about punctuation, etc. I’ve been known to be lazy about it at times, (in texts to my bff), but presumably they are writing to IMPRESS someone. Wow.

    How awesome would it be if BobbyGee left comments over here, too!!??

    • I would bet that if you put the link on his futebol blog, he probably would.

      I just commented and he wrote me a e-mail about his elementary school days. :D

      PS I am of the opinion that Bobbygee is really Robbygee aka Rob. He is spying on us and sending us weird messages in his comments.

  28. Dear Rob,

    I can’t begin to imagine the sheer amount of pleasure you get from reading your fan mail. The eloquently written, non-fanatical and completely mature letters should make you proud. Do you keep these letters in a special “brag” book (if I were you, I would put the letter from your #1 Tampa fan first, nothing demonstrates “class-act” like that one)? I can only imagine how excited you are to compare fan mail with your Eclipse co-stars at those infamous cast “outings” in Vancouver. I bet it’s the first thing you whip out while visiting Claire and Dick or the Brit pack. “Hey Mum and Dad – look how completely normal my fans are!” During your future correspondence with your more intelligent fan base, ask them how they honed their advanced proofreading skills. Sign me up for that class! I am sure you appreciate the fact that your fans can utilize spell-check, considering it’s on just about EVERY computer/word processing program. With such an extraordinary fan base, it’s no wonder that you are photographed and seen EVERYWHERE interacting with the REAL people. I must go and work on improving my fandom skills.

    Yours Truly,

    3rd Grade Spelling Bee Winner

    • Great! I love your letter! I wish I would be able to write like you, but my english isn’t good enough….anyone interested in german or italian? No? Damn!….<3

      • I would be very impressed with a fan letter in German or Italian. Because I would have no idea what you were saying, I would conclude that it is beautiful (I think any language outside of English sounds beautiful) and very well-written. I could never make fun of you; therefore, your letters would be safe;o)

        • Oh, thank you so much, here it goes, only for you…hahaha

          1. german:
          Hey Rob, ich sah dich zum ersten Mal in diesem seltsamen Film, in dem du zu viel Make-up trägst und ich leider dein wundervolles Gesicht nicht immer sehen konnte, aber weißt du….seitdem kann ich nicht mehr schlafen….ich liebe dich….hahaha how pathetic, even in german…

          2. italian:

          Ciao bellissimo, da quando ti ho visto in quel film, non sono piu in grado di ragionare…ti penso ogni giorno mille volte, mi hai sconvolto la vita!! Sei stupendo sempre e spero di vederti presto di nuovo sul grande schermo….e complimenti a tua madre!!!

          let me know which language do you like better….lol

          • I’ve been fortunate enough to visit both beautiful countries, but I would have to say the Italian language is prettier. Not to offend the Germans – I have ALOT of German genes; plus my MIL is from what my husband calls, the MotherLand (Germany);o) So proud that you are commenting on this sight when English isn’t your first language. I wish I would’ve stayed in French class that fourth year;o) I always admire those who know more than one language. We Americans are somewhat behind on the whole bi-lingual idea.

          • “..seltsamen Film, in dem du zu viel Make-up trägst und ich leider dein wundervolles Gesicht nicht immer sehen konnte….” :D :D :D haha… that was a good one :)… Thank you for letting me refresh my really bad German ;)
            (And your English is perfect! no worries!) ;)

    • Just had to give you a thumbs up for your “Boomin’ Granny” ID. I don’t know why, but that cracks me up.
      It’s the little things that make me happy…

  29. Your disclaimers always make me smile. To think Rob Pattinson runs this site… I mean, WHODATHUNK?! ;)

    Mail day is amaze-day because you ladies amaze me! <3

    • P.S.

      How to Be lover was the worst! She replaced “lol” with a period…!! I almost “scorched the flesh off” of my computer (to quote heartsick fan). And by flesh I mean the screen. And by scorched I mean glared at the screen.

      lol DOES NOT = .

      What are these kids learning in school?!

      • Clearly, not enough.

  30. Dear UC,

    I am very thankful that you forwarded Rob’s letters to him. I needed the laugh.

    LOL’d,
    Kat

  31. Haha! These are so funny! :-)

    “I would scorch the flesh off that surgeon’s head if he/she were to go anywhere near you.”

    Oh my goodness, Rob’s got some scary fan!

    I’m pretty sure Rob’s got a fan from every walk of life. From little girls, grannies, guys, stalkers, serial killers, etc. etc.

    • Thats right, even serial killers could be Rob fans…….OMG, this is not good, no
      “putting the lotion in the basket” for Rob……that’s just some scary shit! Yep, the tuck was enough “BuffaloBill-ing” for us to handle, we don’t needs-no-more!!!!LOL

  32. NICE!!! I want a Hot Pocket wrist cuff to go with my Amy Whinehouse Halloween Costume! I would ROCK even more hard core!

    PS I am gald that Rob like B**bs!

  33. Ah I always love it when you reply to Rob’s letters. So funny. Do you guys ever get letters written to Twlight/Kstew/Other cast members/Buttcrack Santa over at LTT?

    BTW, You haven’t done “this is how you found us” in a while!! BRING IT BACK!!! That was my fav.

    • yes! we do get those letters too!! We should do it over there- I did post some of Stephenie’s fan mail a week or two ago..
      and you’re right.. we’ve completely forgotten to do “how you found us”
      we’ll bring it back!

  34. this made my day! :)

  35. There are some serious whack jobs who find this site. I love that you openly make fun of them too. Because that’s normal (and they deserve it).

    M

    • seriously what happened? we started a site to make fun of twilight/our love for it & rob.. and somehow got these ‘serious’ fan letters… obvvvvviousssly they must be made fun of!

  36. Love the fan letters. So funny that people don’t even read the content on this site before contacting LTR..classic.
    Speaking of hot pocket forts, someone needs to write an piece on all the fun activities Rob gets to distract himself with while locked up..besides the obvs fort building, vegetable microwaving, not showering. I think Rob would appreciate some legit arts and crafts suggestions, games, sing alongs etc that can keep him occupied.

    • ooh great idea!

    • Yeah, don’t forget building a Heineken empty beer bottle pyramid…Hey, I’ll help with that.

  37. I wish I could post the pictures we get from moms who want their little girls to be Renesmee…

    • Poor little girls. . .

      As a mommy, I’m glad you don’t post the poor children’s pics. Just post their crazy ass mom’s pictures and that will be amusing enough.

      • Yes I agree!

    • WHAT???? Please say it is not so…..OMG….still laughing….back to the b**bs!

      hehehe.

    • Pleeeeeaaase do it!

    • *running to the Halloween store to get a curly bronze wig for my 5 year old son*

  38. bahahaha!!!
    I love when ‘Rob’ answers fan mail.

  39. UC as Rob – Total, epic win.

    Tell her I said “How you doing”
    Fell off the chair laughing :)

  40. I love Rob letting us know that he is very busy eating hot pockets, building a fort from all the boxes, writing songs to Kstew, and sniffing raid. It’s sweet, and let’s me know what he’s been up to all last weekend while Kstew was in LA. I worry about him getting lonely ya know.

  41. Dear Rob,

    I love forts too!

    Love,

    3hboyshouse

    OK UC, how many times did you try to write forts and it came out farts as a typo? he, he!

    Love the post and the crazy, fun “real” fans!

  42. These seem to be getting more insane. Maybe it’s the Rob separation anxiety that’s making them cuckoo bananas. No photos or news of him and the crazies lose their wits.

  43. Dear Rob-

    For your own safety, I think you need to let me handcuff you to my bed to protect you from these deranged psychos.

    Love,

    Your Bitch

  44. Well, this has definitely added more ideas for my fantasy life with you…

    “I do like to have sex in my fort. With myself usually, but off and on I bring in a guest. Is that the type of stuff you like to learn about me?”

    Oh Rob, I will help you knock down your fort of empty Hot Pockets boxes anytime!! Last time I was in your room, you seemed to want to keep the “activities” in bedroom and shower, but we can move to other rooms. You could have just carried me into the fort, jeezz… Sorry, when will KStew be back in town? You’d better clean that crap up, before she sees it.

    And Rob, when you want to “teach” your fans anything about you, we will all be good students, and take notes, so please lecture…

  45. more letters answered by Rob please. this is hilarious!!

  46. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHER THESE PEOPL LERNT HOW TO SPELL IMEAN COME ON ITS’ NOT LIKE ITS 198 8 AND PEEPL DONT USE KUMPUTERS VERY OFFEN I JUST DONT GET IT THESE FANS AR EETHER VERRY YUNG OR STOOPID RIGHT SO YEA THATS MY OPINYUN AND THE RUN ON CENTENSES R KILING MEE TOO

  47. Dear How to Be Fan,

    Tom, is that you? I’ll be home soon baby.

    Love,
    Rob

    • PS. My next forum name will be Robsfortbuddy. That is all.

      DG

  48. I love how they all say that they’re not like “the crazy fans”. Dude, seriously, if you’re not a crazy fan, who are you ? ;)

    Thanks for the laugh girls !

    • perhaps….
      idiots, insane people, killers,ignorants, fools,unsexy b**ches, naives, little stupid kids, screaming Nuts, and so long….all-in-one-scary-people…I dunno…
      I-think-today-I-have-no-mercy, I’m soooooo bad……lol…. but when I heard, moms want their little babies for Renesme by writing LTR, that’s really over the top!

  49. I can be having the crappiest day and then my day can totally turn around when I sit down to read LTT and LTR….and laugh at other people’s expense. It is *the best* medicine.

    Your response to Aunt Jessica was all kinds of WIN.
    “I plan to leak a sex tape soon. Tell your older sister.” hahahahaha

    • “I plan to leak a sex tape soon.”

      How soon is soon? Just wondering…

  50. UC- I like the secret messages. Is my computer just weird, or is that normal? I see some lines only by highlighting the page. “i love rob”
    :)


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