Posted by: UC | October 14, 2009

5 signs your woman is into Rob Pattinson

Dear men who have lost their gals to LTR,

I came across this article on the ever-informative Robsessed yesterday. Apparently a girl working at Virgin airlines somehow convinced her boss that patrons flying in their planes would rather read about Rob than read a review on the latest kitty litter box-hiding plant sold by Sky Mall. The lucky people flying Virgin got to see Rob staring at them on the cover of an in-flight magazine for their ENTIRE flight! The best thing that ever happened to ME on a flight was once I met this cute guy and ended up joining some club. I forget what it’s called. The “high in the sky club” or something?

5 signs she's crushin' on Efron. Maybe

Anyway, the Rob article included these 5 signs your daughter (or wife) has a crush on Rob. Cute. But they were kind of obvious. I mean, what female aged 11-63 doesn’t have at least one of the Twi books around her house? And doesn’t everyone have a collection of Rob magazines? I prefer to keep my Harry Potter and the Gob of fire DVD in my lap top at all times. That way, if I’m needing a good cry, day & night I can easily have one just by pushing play on the disc and fast-forwarding to the end. Cedric’s dad gets me every time. Makes me wonder what Dick was thinking when he saw that for the first time. (That’s Normal)

So I got to thinking and decided to update the list found in Virgin’s in-flight magazine with:

"Take me. I'm yours" Um. Ok

Big sign saying "VIRGIN" over your face. It's like a high school boy's worst nightmare

The 5 REAL signs your girl is crushing on Rob Pattinson (cause if your daughter isn’t, ask her about some guy named Lautner & watch her face go beet red)

  1. You found out a second mortgage was recently taken out on your home and Swiss bank accounts were opened in your name. When confronted about it your girl confesses that it’s to fund her out of control Twi merch spending habits & trips to every Twicon or teen award show where Rob might POSSIBLY attend and for all the designer clothes, salon trips & day spa visits needed to prepare in case Rob actually SHOWS to one of the events. And weekly she buys a fresh case of Heineken. Just in case. Plus, custom Pattinson Pants don’t come cheap!
    I am so sleepy
  2. The PO Box you thought was for her “business mail” turns out to be RPattz Central where she receives her subscriptions to Teen Vogue, Entertainment Weekly, People, US Weekly, OK, Star, Life and Style, Vanity Fair, GQ and Tiger Beat along with all the Twilight gear she orders from Etsy. The postal worker asked you how your “sick niece down at Children’s hospital’ was and to pass the message on to your wife that she bought the poor sick girl a Rob-Q handbag so she could at least live out her last few months of life in style. (You have all nephews..)
    i like sex
  3. She stopped pressuring you to throw out your favorite grungy flannel you wore when you saw Nirvana in ’92. In fact, you’ve seen her wearing it. And not just around the house when cleaning the bathroom. But in public. And she bought a mullet wig.  And you don’t think it’s for Halloween….
    i have a shirt that says ‘grunge is dead”
  4. You notice the printer is out of paper and when you refill it, pages 756-1054 of something from “Fanfiction.net” spits out, using up the rest of the ink preventing you from printing out the latest pictures of Megan Fox. It turns out “Fanfiction” printed out by your gal has filled up 75 3-ring binders and is being stored in her craft room. And read late at night. When you’re asleep….
    i haven’t read The office updates
  5. She no longer talks about Twilight.
    teh secret is in the tweed

    Edward? Who? OH! That guy. No. He wears twead. I'm over him

    Edward? Who? OH! That guy. No. He wears tweed. I'm over him

    You thought all that obsessive chatter about vampires for hours on end with her girlfriends on the phone and re-reading the books over and over and crying “Why Stephenie WHY” about some baby named Nessie was just a fad that would pass with time. And you’ve probably been patting yourself on the back for finally, after all these years, truly understanding women (big dramatic incident/fight with friend/new book or obsession; time passes; over it) If you think your gal has moved on because she no longer talks about Edward Cullen, well I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s the exact opposite. Chances are she doesn’t bring him up anymore because she spends all her time talking with friends online about the guy who plays him. You thought she got that bonus last month because of increased productivity at work? Nope. She told her female boss, a recent Rob-convert, about fanfiction. She stopped talking about Edward & Twilight around you because she fears that you’ll bring up Rob because you read some article on askmen.com and will say to her “Honey, that Edward guy was 44 out of 49. I bet the crazy Twilight fans are pissed” and the look on her face will give her away. Trust me. If she’s no longer yabbering on about Edward, Rob or hasn’t expressed concern with going to jail for lusting over a younger man or asked to move to Georgia, she’s INTO Rob. Really into Rob.

Guys, the bottom line is, your gal is into Rob. That’s the simple truth of it, and you don’t need the hottest in-fight magazine cover in the history of EVER to tell you that. The good news is… she has 75 3-ring binders full of new moves she’s aching to try. Run up to her craft room and prepare for an Epic evening!

You’re welcome,
UnitendedChoice

What did I miss!? What are some other signs?

Continue the fun on The Forum (did I hear there’s a Twiporn contest in the TwiMilfs forum?)
and learn about the Twitter with Moon on LTT

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Responses

  1. “It turns out “Fanfiction” printed out by your gal has filled up 75 3-ring binders and is being stored in her craft room” UC….have you been in my house? How do you know about my secret hidden happy shelf in my craft room?

    • UC has been in my house too! I can’t understand how or why but stay away from my binders!

    • I hate it when these girls spy on me!!!

    • Yeah…4 was a little close to home. *shrug*

    • LMAO! I have the collection of white 3-ring binders! I love when people ask what i’m reading out of the binders and i’m like “Umm….a story?” because really how do you justify to people “Well…it’s Twilight fanfiction/porn” Yeah…not good

      • do they not ask any follow up questions?

    • My thoughts EXACTLY! How in the hell did ya’ll know about all my binders? And why doesn’t fan fiction make it easier to print out?

      My binders are old work manuals, old license law updates, etc… so it all looks legit when I am reading it. Suckers!!

      • lmao @ the binders! I actually just took my laptop with me to the car dealership earlier today to read FF. People around me were probably freaked out by my odd grin on my face while reading… lol

        • I am so glad I am not alone…is there a fanfic support group for addicts?? I also disguise my fanfic in old work binders so I can read that shiz at my desk… Should I feel bad for using up all the printer paper? I can only imagine how much $$$ my company has spent on my fanfic addiction…

  2. Hahah That list just made my morning! Just when I think I am alone in the world with my habits and my unnatural “admiration” for Rob…this site makes me stop doubting!

    Thank you!

    • Me too. After all, it’s ‘normal’ to cry at Mr Diggory shouting “My boy!” (just because it’s Rob!!!) And to get serious withdrawal symptons if you are away from the computer for any length of time. (ahem, longer than an hour….)

      • We were visiting family at their lake house in Maine over the weekend and I was having serious Robdrawal. I drove into town to use the library’s wi-fi and catch up on a little reading.

        • You just can’t stay away! I know the feeling! We went out of town 2 months ago and my DH told me not to bring my laptop, I complied and I was not a happy camper!!!

          • We brought the laptop so our daughter and nieces could watch movies on it. Right.

        • hahaha drove to town to use the library wifi! HAHAA

      • I had a conference in Sweden for 8 days and was *thrilled* that the hotel had free WiFi so that I could remain up-to-date on FF. Of course I *only* brought my computer so that I could get work email and work on my presentation. Riiiiight.

    • I don’t mention it all and so far, mostly read the fanfic online. I have one friend I am out of the Twicloset with and the extent of it; my other friends just know that I like the books. It is much easier to hide this because I live alone and hate having visitors (except Rob, of course) and if I decide to put up a Rob poster , no one will know.

  3. I thought that NOT talking about Rob all the time would hide my ‘shame’ (I’m not really ashamed. At all.) – but it turns out that’s the biggest give away! Time to change my strategy!!

  4. #6 Going from hating computers to total internet addicts.
    “Shush, honey, i’m trying to work on my blog/comment on LTR/download the latest Rob pics/…”

    • Ha, this is totally me!!! I’ve gone from loathing computers with a passion, to spending ALL my free time online. Robert Pattinson is essentially my IT teacher. Ha, who knew!

      • HA! Me too!
        I guess we just never had the proper err…inspiration…to learn b

    • Spot on w/this one! To take it further:

      Going from ridiculing people for abbreviating when texting to abandoning normal speaking/writing patterns in favor of leetspeak, fangirl slang, and pictographic punctuation. Online only, of course. Mr. P would totes have my head examined if I told him, “I heart you.”

    • Same here!! I used to be on my computer for maybe like an hour a day…..uhh not anymore. Also, I was big anti-social networking chick…. Yeah, I’m on Twitter all the time now….lol

  5. If they put a photo of Rob’s sex eyes on the cover of the mag I don’t think they can call themselves Virgin Airlines anymore.

    • TRUTH!

    • Instant seven and impregnation. Oh, the irony, Virgin Blue.

    • SO true. Just looking at the photo, I feel like Rob has had sex with me. Dirty, roguh sex. Thanks, Rob.

      • LMAO! You’re so candid!

        • Ha! And I make many errors when Rob is looking at me like that…

          *rough, not roguh.

          • Speaking of looking, I was just at the mall and passed by FYE and what did I see!? This life-size poster stand up of Edward Cullen from New Moon! I stopped dead on my tracks and I think my mouth was open for a while! I had to finally shake it off and get back to reality when people started looking at me funny.

            So I get home and I told DH(he works nights and he just woke up) that I want to get that stand up poster….he was like whatever. OK, that meant yes!!!

          • Good! Get him while he’s half asleep! ;D

    • Agreed! I flew Virgin Blue 3 times this week and Rob eye-f**ked EVERYONE on board, every single flight….

      LOL!

    • Truthfully, until it was pointed out, my eyes never made it to the title! I was mesmerized by his face!!

  6. I’m gonna come right out and admit that I am seriously considering getting a PO box exclusively for RPattsy/bloggy/Twilighty stuff. No second mortgage yet, but I’m still crushing h-a-r-d. Oh and my printer is out of toner (paper? THAT I steal from work). : )

  7. Toner? Ink? Yeah – that one.

  8. I remember trying to tell Mr. Fang about BD.

    “Nessie?” he said, “Isn’t that the loch ness monster?”

    & then he goes on to say “So let me get this straight. Your beloved (Edward) rips the baby out of Bella with his teeth and then gives her a shot to the heart like in Pulp Fiction?”

    He then closed with “Why is it that you won’t watch action or horror movies with me again?”

    • I will never forgive SMeyer for “Nessie.” Totes took me out of the zone while reading. W.T.F.

      It’s still hard to read BD, even knowing in advance about the name fail. And the nickname fail. Just . . . not funny.

      Le sigh.

      • Well I kept calling her Reses Pieces for the longest time because I couldn’t pronounce the damn thing.

  9. I’ve given up on hiding my feelings for my one true guy I wanna bang. My husband is all too aware, and he has given up on trying to sway me otherwise. Example #1-On my ottoman in my livingroom I have an old copy of Us Weekly creased open to the “money shot” of Rob all wet and drippy from his out takes from Rolling Stone. The hubs gave me the stink eye, but whatevs. So worth it. Example #2-My husband recently went to L.A. for work, and for my present, he confessed that he was going to buy me that “gay plastic douche doll that’s supposed to be a vampire, but there was no way I was going to shell out 20 bucks for a little plastic man….And I didn’t want to have to actually take it to the register.”
    Sooo…I feel that when your S.O. considers buying you a plastic doll that doesn’t blow up, and doesn’t toss your Rob porn in the recycling bin, he is all too aware of the Robsession. :)

    • I have to hide my 2nd copy of US weekly.
      Yes, I said 2nd copy ’cause my hubby ruined the first one by drawing mustaches and other….things….all over WetRob. Bastard.
      I think that morning he realized just where he stands in my affections after nearby objects went hurtling thru the air in his direction…

      • I am sitting at my desk laughing my ass off and looking like an idiot! :) I can so picture this happening…You DON’T mess with a woman’s Rob porn!! And it’s always good to have a back up stash! :D

      • your husband drew mustaches?! that is hysterical!!! Mine just accidentally knocks the mags on to the floor and accidentally steps on them to torture me.

    • My hubby is very aware of my addiction and he embraces it. Why? Hmmmm….. Or should I say huummmmmeerrrrrrr…

      Since I got on the Rob train, hubby has had more unicorns and attention that our 1st 10 years of marriage combined. And not just normal “O’s’ mind you, twiporn driven and inspired O’s. He loves Rob and everything Twilight related!!

      Sure, I no longer have time to cook or clean, but quite frankly I never did that before. Now I read, twitter, read, and ambush poor unsuspecting hubby. Then repeat. Over and over.

      • SEE!!!! Rob is GOOD for marriages!! They need to embrace all things Rob! ;)

  10. UC & Moon. Congrats!!! from twitter Robsessedblog: letter2Rob is mentioned in Swedish Elle http://bit.ly/4lu5DQ

    • Love your avatar.

    • thanks! :)

      • mwahahahahaahahah LOVE you!

    • the swedes love us!

      • Yes we do! :-)

  11. Number Five is absolute gospel truth. I have nothing more to add to that.

    I swear I have never printed fanfic out (yet), but if I did, that 3-Ring Binder would be color-coded, tabbed, indexed and cross-referenced. Key passages would be highlighted and notes written in the margins. This coming from “that girl” who was always borrowing and photocopying your notes 3 days before the final because all she had written in a 10 week semester was “buy paper towels”. Can I get a masters in FanFic?

    I would suggest double sided printing, and maybe four pages to a sheet. Less chances of running out of paper and giving yourself away. Leave some room in the margins so you can write notes about what you want to try later. Why do I think about this? Because I am normal.

    (p.s., i realize I haven’t commented in like a hundred years, but not worries…I’m ALIIIIIVE!)

    • Don’t forget the section of pasting in appropriate pictures that go along with the story…you guys do that, right?

      • Visual aids are a useful learning tool.

        Good Call.

    • you’re allivveee!!

      • Oh hale yes, I am.

        Last week, I actually asked someone “Hey Arizona, How you likin’ da rain?’.

        She blinked, looked at me, ran to her bag and pulled out Breaking Dawn.

        True Story.

  12. If my husband actually cleaned and lifted the tableskirt on my side of the bed he would definitely *see the signs* – my little stack of Robporn goodness in all its glory and a few hundred pages of FF! He did actually ask me one day why we were running out of paper so quickly. School projects I muttered – if only he knew :)

    x

    • YES! Thank God hubby doesn’t ever clean.

      Under my side of the bed is a disarray of magazines and stacks of folded chapters of fanfiction. Blocked of course by the “real” books I claim to be reading at night. I wait for the snoring sound next to me and make the switch!

      If I am hit by a bus today, I need one of you to get over here right away and clean that mess up before my family and friends find out what a freak (normal) I really am!

      In the meantime I’m making another run to Staples for more printer ink and paper.

      • Can I be your BFF? HILAR! (I do the same!)

        • Hi BFF!!!

      • Heine Girl!!!!! It’s laxplays here :)

        • I heart your Heine!!

      • I think the technical term for somebody who does that job is your *shovel buddy*…here is the explanation:

        The only person that knows where you stash your porn, drugs or sextoys, with the specific function of relocating/destroying the materials when you die before gets discovered by your family and other friends.

        x

      • Oh my word, I think we are living identical lives!! I have my printed copy of Wide Awake right next to my bed. I too used to have fanfic chapters folded in half and tucked everywhere! I highly suggest printing on “draft” that way you can print hundreds of pages without using up all of the ink! And no one is the wiser.

        UC & Moon, I died laughing today at your indepth knowledge of us all! I used to hang out with my husband at night and just kill time on the couch watching whatever. But, now if it isn’t “Must see TV” then I am sooo in the craft room on the computer reading fanfic! Sometimes I have to just sneak into bed at around 3am because I can’t stop reading!!

  13. #3 – She stopped pressuring you to throw out your favorite grungy flannel you wore when you saw Nirvana in ‘92.
    (She also no longer minds when you wear that crappy free hat from the Yankees game, and for the first time in eight years doesn’t encourage you to shave.)

    Seriously – it’s like you’ve been in my house.
    Which is fine by me…just don’t touch my 3-ring binders.

    • I actually spent a fair amount of time the other day contemplating how to convince my husband that v-necks are a good look for him. I couldn’t come up with anything. So I moved on to how to convince him to use a li’l gel to make his longish cut stand up all wonky like Rob’s hair.

      • I bought Mr. Fang a V neck. He looked at me in disbelief & made me take it back to the store.

        I tried.

        • You could just do like Rob does with his crew-neck tees – just pull on the neckline until it’s all stretched out. He’ll never know.

    • haha.. your binders are safe!

  14. First of all – LOVE IT!

    Second – please tell me that story about the cute guy and the club is oh so very true!

    ;D

  15. This Post is Win win win
    And what’s up with the sneaked in lines ?
    yeah I highlight when I read .. I have ADD :P

    • I always highlight when I read too! Bloggers sometimes leave secret messages.

      You haven’t read The Office updates, UC? Shame on you! Then again, the last chapter was a bit of a cliffhanger.

      • HAHAHA, I just found the secret text:

        UC, I’ve always loved you, but the hidden messages make me love you even more.

        • OMC – how often do you do that UC??? That’s amazing, I feel like I’ve discovered treasure!

    • HA! I was reading through the comments wondering if anyone else was weird enough to highlight while they read and picked up the sneaky lines. The “I like sex” might have been my favorite.

      Although, I also have/had a “Grudge is dead” t-shirt… Oh, man.

    • hahaha… NO ONE has ever mentioned the sneaky lines! i started doing that when I needed to make line breaks and couldn’t get the html code to work right. usually they were just boring “asdfadf” or whatever. but in the past few months they’ve been more creative:)

      • Psst… I mentioned them a few weeks ago. But I didn’t want to out your clever sneakiness too blatantly in my comment, so it may have gone unnoticed. I’m a huge fan of this.

  16. I laughed at the one about printing out something from fanfiction.net. I had my husband print out a story at work and it was HUGE. He handed it to me and said “Do I want to know what this is?” Um, no?

    Somehow it didn’t seem that long when I was reading it online.

    • I love it! I had a moment of panick yesterday when my father called looking for the cord to the heating pad. Which happened to be under my bed. Which happens to be where I keep my fanfic/porn stash like a 15 year-old boy.

      I tried to explain EXACTLY where the cord would be, to prevent him from snoopy through the papers. I wasn’t taken in to a white room in a straight jacket, so I don’t think he saw them. Not normal.

      • I’m thinking you need to have a safer place for all your Rob porn! LOL

  17. Love #3! Could add that she stops doing laundry because she likes the “lived in” look.

  18. “You notice the printer is out of paper”

    Yeah that happened a lot here until my hubby got sick of it and bought me a mini-laptop, that solved our ink problem! :-) I still have a bazillion pages of fanfiction on my headboard though, not sure why I’m haing onto them! LOL

  19. The magazine is called Virgin Blue Voyeur and one of the articles is “Raise the Roof: Topless Bars You Can Take Your Mum To”…I gotta ask…is this a brilliant photoshop or the real deal?

    • No, this is the real deal! I have a copy in my luggage (I flew Virgin Blue today) not even 4 feet from where I am sitting now.

      PS: The ‘topless’ bars was an article about open-air bars around Australia….even I thought WTF? until I read it… LOL

      • Dammit I’m not flying with them til next month!

        If you happen to fly Adelaide to Gold Coast in the next coupla weeks could you stash one somewhere inconspicuous?? (that’swhatshesaid) x

  20. How about the fact that she guards her flash drive like a Tazmanian she-devil guarding red meat, simply because that’s where all of her fanfic and Rob porn are stored. (I keep better tabs on that little black piece of plastic than I do my dog)
    Or the fact that she giggles whenever the words
    “Peacoat”, “Boufant” or “Portentous” come up in conversation.

  21. “She no longer talks about Twilight”
    That whole paragraph soooooo decribes ME!!!!!
    I felt momentarily ashamed as I read that then I remembered “That’s Normal!!” and got back to my happy happy Rob-place……..
    Love this whole post, only thing I’m jealous of is I haven’t “met this cute guy and ended up joining some club. I forget what it’s called. The “high in the sky club” or something?”…..do you think that might be how I meet ROB?…..yeah I read Fanfic too……..

  22. OMG! I just flew VirginBlue 3 times in the last week–every freaking flight there’s ‘my’ Rob peeking out from the behind the flight menu, LOL.

    His face was everywhere you looked on the plane–hubby was groaning incessantly in an eye-rolling frenzy!

    There was a 50+ yr old man waiting to get his luggage & even he had the mag folded in half and shoved into his back pocket (Rob’s face peeking out, of course). I was torn between my need to stare at Rob’s face and the need to tear my eye direction from that guy’s saggy ass but…..the jaw porn won….

  23. God bless my weird habit of highlighting while reading. Looking forward to our blissful sister-wifely marriage, dear.

    How about this: you check her work laptops browser history and half of her top-visited sites are Rob- or Twi-related, with some of those sites ranking higher than the website that she spends 5 days a week working on? Yeeeeeaaahhh…guilty.

    • Here in October, 2009 A.R. (After Rob), I have developed the habit of wiping my computer before I leave work. No one else uses my computer, and I don’t really know enough about computers to know if what I’m doing is “enough” to erase all traces, but the thought of being called to a personnel meeting to explain why I am reading fanfiction at work is sufficient motivation to at least try to keep it in the closet.

      • ohhhh, good idea! I live in fear that I will get busted. Thank goodness I have a large corner office far away from others. If my boss ever tracks my keystrokes or internet usage, I am toast. I don’t think my boss can appreciate the emergency nature of “The Office” update! Although I was able to hold off reading ‘The Training” update yesterday. My self-control was Cullen-like. Carlile would have been soooo proud. Cullen smiles for me!

    • I want in. I’ve never been one for sister-wives…but HB and UC? Yes, Yes, Yes.

      7.

  24. This is great. The “doesn’t talk about Twilight” anymore one was so right on. I totally told my husband that I was no longer into Twilight/Rob, for fear of sounding like an obsessed freak (if I wasn’t talking about Twilight/Rob, I was praying that someone would bring it up so I could. I was my 13 year old neice’s shadow at every family function). So, I realized it was probably save to say that my husband would get sick of talking about it. So, I told him “hey, I don’t like him anymore, pfft”, and secretly did it all online. Then one night, I was reading “The Office” on my laptop in the living room. He looked over my shoulder and say “Edward’s HAND??? What the hell? I thought we were done with this???” I was SO damn embarrassed, I didn’t think my cheeks could get so red. So, I told him, it’s my “girl porn” and that I only need a fix every few weeks (lie). Soooo…. now the compromise is he gets a Playboy every now and then. It GUESS it’s fair….

    • Don’t judge me for all of my grammatical errors on this one! I was in a rush! Love you girls!!!

      • “I was my 13 year old neice’s shadow at every family function”

        Ha ha LMAO

  25. How about a trip to Walmart and your children begin screaming about the New Moon posters? Not because they like Twilight (too young to enjoy fully), but because their poor mother spends an inordinate amount of time reading about hunky main character, Rob, I mean Edward.

    How about using a pic from LTR’s Rob Porn for the computer screen background – purely for comical reasons and being hounded by jealous husband? Husband – “everytime I get on the computer, he’s there, blah, blah, blah. . .” To make said husband happy, put pic of hubby in mullet costume hat on computer screen. Happy hubby, plus mullet gives wifey satisfaction due to Kstew link. Everything comes back to Twilight, i.e. Circle of Life.

    Working on tricking husband into buying plastic Rob, I mean Edward doll to play a joke on another duped coworker whose wife has Rob, I mean Edward FEVER. Must EMPHASIZE that Rob, I mean the Edward doll, not get injured in prank, without sounding to fanatical.

    Must get to work on craft room decorations, I mean reading material. Birthday is coming up, how can I convince children into buying Twilight decor for party? Nothing like eating cake and staring at Rob, I mean Edward. Cake + Rob, I mean Edward = orgasmic. . .

    • You should do what I do. Since taking psychology I have found men respond to positive re-enforcement. Do something I like and you get a treat. Buy me something related to Twilight and you get a kinky treat. Buy me something with Robert’s face on it and I will rock your world. Needless to say that I don’t pay a penny for magazines with Robert on the cover and I pretty much have them all. Get it, Robert’s face, ding! a sex bell goes off. He walks up to register”Must buy for GF” and smiles to himself.

      • I’ve done the same thing with my hubby! He even came home with “The Haunted Airman” for me last night – without my asking! Its amazing how men can be trained. All it takes is a little nekkid action and they are putty in your hands.

  26. Don’t forget to check her I-phone for bookmarks to LTR/LTT/RPWho/Twilighter’s Anonymous/& Robsessed. She probably reads these while driving too. [PS-don't tell my insurance agent!]

  27. You missed one.

    #6. You are having sex more. That is all.

    • Gotta agree with this one…hubby thinks it’s ’cause I’m in my ealy 30′s and hit my “woman prime”! LOL! He liked it enough he even let’s me bring the laptop to bed so I can read my fan fic while he watches the news! Love The Office, can’t wait for the next update.

    • EEEEEEXACTLY! My husband should write a thank-you note to fanfiction.net.

      • Or a thank you to Robert Pattinson.

        Dear Mr. Pattinson:

        Thank you for inspiring my wife so much. I am now getting laid much more than I deserve. I owe you for life.

        Yours Truly,
        Husband of a Twi-nerd or Twi-Milf

        • RPattz is the new Rohypnol.

        • Dear Edward,
          or
          Dear Robert Patterson (as he always mistakenly says)
          or
          Dear Homo-Asstard who stole my wife,

          I should be thanking fanfiction.net… but it’s your stupid-ass face and girly hands she was thinking of when she asked me to spank her last night.

          Whatever. I still hate you.

          Yours truly,
          A not so neglected Husband of a Rob-obsessed Cougar

          • LMAO!

      • Not just more sex. More educated sex. Suddenly, your wife knows detailed information about things that could only be found in the local sex shop. Her vocabulary includes phrases like ‘safe word’ and ‘hard limits’. You make some sort of sexual innuendo about anal sex assuming it will go right over head and instead she nods knowingly.

        She also knows an alarming amount of information about tatoos and peircings. As well as an interest in finer lingere, instead of the usual “whatever’s on sale at Target”. Finally, you find that she likes to bake all the time. And she wants to know if you like it. No, REALLY like it.

        • Do you know a good recipe for Marinara?

          • GAHHH!!

            Domward gets me

            every.single.time.

          • oh shit, now I’m worried that isnt from The Dom/The Sub…

            I’m so engrossed in the playroom from The Training that my brain has turned to mush.

          • Don’t worry Zees84. It was. You dirty girl.

          • PHEW! You don’t want to make a mistake with Domward, he might bust out the flogger…on second thought…that might not be so bad.

    • Yes, not including #6 was a gross oversight.

    • hahahahahahah THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!! Thank God I am not the only one! So it’s normal?

  28. I’m flying Virgin from now on!

  29. “You notice the printer is out of paper and when you refill it, pages 756-1054 of something from “Fanfiction.net” spits out”

    That would be hilarious!
    I’m guilty of coming into the office after hours and printing out scripts and then stealing three ring binders from the office to put them in. True story.

    btw, that photo of Robward is HAWT! The wardrobe department wins lots of points for putting him in those jeans! He’s packing it well! ;-)

    • Totally choked on my coffee when you said ‘packing it’.
      :-)

    • I was thinking of the same thing Jena! Look at those long legs!!! So smexy!

  30. See, now this list actually makes me feel normal.. I’m not anywhere near that bad… ok actually .. I don’t do most of those things so I’m pretty normal… ok well truly I don’t own pattinson pants…. yeah that post made me feel pretty …

    I’m sorry Honey, I’m in love with Rob Pattinson… there I said it.

  31. OH, and that GOF scene with Cedric’s dad KILLS ME every time, and I have seen this movie approximately 47 times. And it is Totally Normal to think about Dick at a time like that. Yep. uh, that’s what she said?

  32. DH gets so mad at the mere mention of Rob or Edward. So I never bring it up anymore.

    My family thinks it’s hilarious to call him a fag or whatever, to see if I’ll steam up.

    My daughter took down her Twilight posters (to put up Justin Bieber UGH!) most likely because, Twilight is ‘Mom’s thing” and doesn’t want to have anything in common with me.

    Do I protest? Do I defend him? Do I run to my room and watch the Twilight DVD and sulk?

    No. I just nod my head with a maniacal little grin, knowing that soon they will all be in bed and I can be alone with my laptop, a glass of wine, Domward, Beautiful Bastard, etc.

    My secret life is my heaven and my hell.

    • You know what? My husband does the same thing. The other day he said “Enough!”

      LMAO!

    • My DH is actually jealous.. JEALOUS! Of him.. he has attempted to liken my facination with the Beautiful Mr. Pattinson to an affair. Telling me that I’m cheating on him by looking at the pictures and the blogs.

      He has on many occassions, while out shopping, attempted to embarress me by making a fool of himself pointing out “my boyfriend” on magazine covers and what not.

      I’ve given up talking to him about it or tryingto explain it to him.. he doesn’t want to understand and I’m not willing to give up my daily laughs with you girls and sighs over his pictures.. I just ignore him now.. I think that’s ticking him off more.

      • My husband kept trying to embarass me too!
        3x he’s mentioned my Robsession in front of his friends only to have
        their wives say “OMG are you in love w/ Rob too?”-I think he’s finally realized that he is only aiding me in finding more secret robsessors!
        He even tried embarassing me in front of his boss when I said we had to leave the company dinner early so I could get home to see the VMA’s–the boss’s wife–who had to be in her 60s immediately came to my defense—the best part was when the boss said he liked watching Twilight–I’m fairly certain my hubby had a stroke….he has now admitted defeat.

      • Hey my DH is jealous too but lately he caught on. Two weeks ago I was not in the “mood” and he clearly wanted it. I used the “headache” excuse. Well he said, “why don’t you think of Rob, that will get you going!”

        Needless to say I was so surprised and that really made me laugh so hard, he was like what did I say? You know what, he does this quite often now. Weirdo!

    • have a Heine girl :)

  33. Loved this….mean it.

  34. Umm…actually…number 4 happened to me. I had to explain to my mother, who happens to be my boss, why I was using company time, paper, and ink to print out my fantasies. Not cool. 1st Hand Embarrassing.

  35. and uc for the win! this post is so full of truth and win. #5 is my favorite, as it perfectly describes me. i never mention it, but twilight is the elephant in the room. mister is totally on to me, but he’s so sweet, he doesn’t call me out too often.

    that mag cover is niiiice. thanks, lady at VA.

    amos diggory gets me every time,too. sniffle*

  36. I suppose you could add “She suddenly thinks your aversion (and incompetence) to all things domestic and hygenic is fuckhot…and smoking, and drinking, and word vomits..

    Hmm

  37. UC’s list is definitely more accurate. I just recently thought about getting a P.O. box, because I ordered The Haunted Airman from Amazon yesterday. I still don’t know what to tell my hubby when it arrives at home.

    He still thinks that my obsession is about Edward, because for my birthday this weekend, he offered to watch Twilight with me. He didn’t understand why I was more interested in the Extra stuff on the DVD (Rob playing the piano/Rob’s interviews), than the actual movie. He actually asked me how many times I have watched the movie by myself. I picked a low number, just to not embarrass myself.

    I think that he might be catching on though…
    He has resigned to let me have my time on the laptop in bed at night. He knows I am reading “something”. I have a couple of post-its on my nightstand, that have the titles of fan fiction, that I want to read, with the “real” books I should be reading. He has yet to ask…

    • “He didn’t understand why I was more interested in the Extra stuff on the DVD (Rob playing the piano/Rob’s interviews), than the actual movie. ”

      Men are so gullible sometimes! LMAO!

    • Totally the same for me..hidden escapades with my laptop, mysterious DVD’s in the mail, fake sicking today so I can watch Haunted Airman.

      I am still pretty sure my hubs does not know who Rob is but he assumes he is the “weird looking dude” on the mags I have now hidden so I dont have to explain to him that he is blind…really you think he looks weird..really?

  38. “My boy!” = Immediate Waterworks. I didn’t even cry when Dumbledore bit it. But Robdric? Yeah … that’s fucking sad panda. Even Harry knows it.

    • That part is so sad…and his eyes were wide open too! :-(.

      • I remember the first time I saw it. First I thought, Hey who’s Harry’s hot little friend? Then he died and I wept like a baby. I had never even shed a tear for the entire story, but I cried for some random hotness guy. Then earlier this year, it was on t.v and I noticed WHO HE WAS and freaked out all over agin. I started shouting “OH no! He’s ‘my boy’!” My husband was confused.

  39. I keep all the FF on the hard drive. I have yet to print it out. Is that worse than printing it out? I mean it’s accessible WHEREVER my laptop is, no messy, embarrassing binders!

  40. Haha…

    I’m a fan fic virgin…and I totes plan on staying pure. Steph Meyer is the only way to go!!! Unless it includes Alice…no no no…I won’t give in!

    Which fan fic is best?

    Just…you know…out of random curiosity…

    Ash xo

    • Wide Awake or The Office

      …or The List

      …or Clipped Wings and Inked Armor

      • Ahh yes… “The List” is a great place to start. Before moving on to All Human non Canon.

        then.. The Office Hot Hot Hawt!

    • I am also a fanfic virgin – I’m not interested unless they are all vampires and humans like in the original Saga, don’t go switching it all around so they’re human and whatnot!

      I’m also called Ash – spooky coincidence…

      • Then definitely “The List” by Laura Cullen

        Takes place after Eclipse.
        Stays pretty true,(apart from the smut)

      • Anything by LolaShoes. Be warned: dirty talking Edward freaked me out a little! I got over it soon enough. By the way, My Yes My No is my new favorite story!

        Anything by Vixen1836, I loves me some true canon Edward. Her Isle Esme is my total favorite.

        Metamorphosis by LivesAmongTheStars, because she makes Breaking Dawn bearable.

        Ithaca is Gorges by Giselle-lx, NM from Edward/Carlisle POV.

        I’m a complete dork for doing this. Oh well.

        • Normal

    • Stay pure!

      • Boooooooo!

      • We will get you Janet. *rubs hands together* If it’s the last thing we do!!!!! *shaking fist*

    • Read “The Fallout” by OCD_indeed. I mean it!

      It is the most well written fanfic I have read to date. :)

  41. Y’all have GOT to STOP bringing up Amos Diggory!!!

    I am tearing up here at work replaying that scene in my head.

    It kills me. Every. Single. Time.

    • Harry Potter dork of the day award.
      (you knew his dad’s name!)

  42. Is his picture on a mag with the word “Virgin” in the title?

    Awesome.

    • the awesome part is that the mag says “Take me, I’m yours” on top of his face

      • This is why I thought it was a photomanip.

  43. I printed out ff at a church when I worked there. I watched the door to the copy room like a hawk. I couldn’t imagine how I would explain “The Submissive” to a priest if he found it…

    • awesome! i used to work at a church, too; and i did that kind of stuff all the time! (this was long before twilight existed, though.)

  44. “Cedric’s dad gets me every time. Makes me wonder what Dick was thinking when he saw that for the first time.”

    Thanks. Now when I watch HPGoF, I’m gonna think of Dick. And not the good kind of dick either, the one that will make me boo hoo even more so then I do now.

  45. You know, there’s really not much we can do….
    Obsess over someone else, you say? REALLY, like who, Chris Pine (snore) or someone like Ed Westwick (bow-ties?!)?? I’ll pass, thanks! RPattz….as if you could outrun him! (HAHA) His picture is EVERYWHERE and, I mean, who can honestly say they mind?? The Virgin mag cover looks as if he’s saying, “take off you pants and climb on”…..and let me just say, he wouldn’t have to ask me twice!!! I, for one, enjoy being completely smitten and obsessed with Rob.

  46. I’ve got some.

    When you’re constantly on your iPhone (aka FF reading device) and people wonder and ask How seriously long is ‘the book’ I’m reading.

    Or another..

    When you’re on the train and you have to go to the next chapter and there’s ‘No Service’ but you stare/re-read the last chapter you just read until FINALLY there’s service. You’re so excited there’s a loophole somewhere in the tunnel and you’re chanting, “C’mon, you can do it,” as it loads the next chapter. When it does, the world is ok again.

    or another…

    When you just knowwww a tunnel is coming and you’ll get ‘No service’ you speed through the rest of the chapter just to load the next chapter on time. When you do, the world is ok again.

    I <3 this post.

  47. LMAO!

    I always read it on my iphone. In waiting rooms or while my kids are at football practice. But there is always some idiot dad who starts hovering saying, “whatcha reading?”

    Nothing. Get the Fuck away from me!

    • hhaahahhaha i know, then you soooo hide it against your chest and be all like nothing, absolutely nothing… AN EMAIL! yeah thats it! I’m reading my email!

      reminds me of the FF Poughkeepsie when Emmett reads outloud over the shoulder off this woman’s iPhone in the bank. LOL ILthat part.

  48. Haha! Your ‘signs’ are SO much better! So true. I couldn’t relate to the original.

    And I LOVE your pic taglines!
    “5 signs she’s crushin’ on Efron. Maybe” lol!
    “Big sign saying “VIRGIN” over your face. It’s like a high school boy’s worst nightmare”

  49. Hey,

    I’ll take some Efron any day.
    But only clean “Vanilla sex” with him.

    Or he has to sub.

  50. How about using your dd birthday amazon gift card to purchase “the haunted airman” then ship it to your friends house three doors down?

    True story


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