Posted by: UC | September 29, 2009

This is why I can NEVER meet Rob Pattinson

Dear Rob,

I recently had an epiphany during a conversation with Calliope:

UC: Sigh.. I just fell in love with Jackson
Calliope: why!?
UC: I’m watching 30 seconds of the 100Monkey’s video Moon posted today|
Calliope: ohh I get so frustrated with Jackson
UC: Has his voice always been that sexy?
Calliope: I wish we’d never seen him in person
UC: Why? I mean, for obvious reasons (aka his awful band), but why do YOU mean it today?
Calliope: Because then I could live in this fantasy bubble where he’s a little taller.. a little less sweatier… a little less i’m wasted and/or high all the time…a little less womanizer
UC: That’s why we can NEVER meet Rob! I’d shut down LTR- without Moon’s permission! What if that happened!? What if all those things you said about Jackson were true about Rob!?
Calliope: WE CAN NEVER. I mean … we didn’t EVEN talk to Jackson. I think I could handle a 30 second glance of Rob. I mean, we saw a LOT of Jackson- I stood across from him in the bathroom line (I went like 4 times)- so maybe if we hadn’t over exposed ourselves to his presence… things would be different. But now whenever I see a pic of him… I instantly think of myself in heels staring down at him and get sadface
UC: I think it was the girl blowing bubbles. I mean, I think she was a little slow- he could’ve at least shook her hand.
Calliope: There was someone blowing bubbles?!?!  Maybe we were just too drunk shouldnothavedrivenhomethatnight
UC: Amen, WHAT were we thinking? We had the monkeys on the brain or something. Monkey-brains

It shouldn’t be news to you that I don’t want to meet you. I’ve confessed it before, but I think my reasons have changed. I used to think that it would be because I would turn into a gushy, fangirl mush, but now I’m pretty sure I handle it.  I mean, I did meet Peter Dinklage on the street a few weeks ago and I kept my cool- I can handle Robert freakin’ Pattinson. But I am afraid that meeting you would completely ruin my image of you. And in metaphorical terms, I would then be “in heels staring down at you… with a sadface.”

I know, I know. I’m breaking your heart. We’ll never MEET!? I’ve compiled the reasons WHY we should never meet into a manifesto. Enjoy:

  1. I’m afraid of you. No- not like I’m afraid of sharks and the number 7, but afraid of how you’ll be. What will you say? Will it be something awkward like complimenting me on my perky breasts? Or will you jump into a 5 minute monologue where you discuss how your last box of hot pockets caused a little bit to ‘come out of your pants?’ What will you do? Will you stare so intently that I swear you found that zit I did a rockin’ job covering up? Will you slur & stutter? Will you be drunk (one can hope!) Will a bit of microwaved carrot be stuck in between your front teeth? What if you were recovering from a cold and a little bit of snot got stuck in your 4 day old beard? Do I tell you? Will you be more or less embarrassed if I point it out? What if your snot is a really weird color? Does it mean you have an illness worse than a cold? What if it’s the swine flu? Should I ask you if got the H1N1 vaccine or is that rude?
    a secret mesage
  2. How will I explain LTR? Let’s assume we meet because I was granted an interview- will you ask what ‘media’ I work for? And what if I say E! and you say you’ll look for me next time you’re flipping through channels? I’m the worst liar- you’re going to catch me in the act. Moon is the best BSer. Say she writes down on a piece of paper for me to read, “I run an entertainment blog with a humorous take on one of pop culture’s biggest stars written in the form of letters,” but I mess up because my contacts get blurry & I can no longer read the paper so I freak out and say “I write letters to you. And Photoshop you into jorts. And Dumpsters. And stuff. Um” And what if I’m not interviewing you but just happen to stalk you until I find out where you’re hanging out find you at a local pub and decide my humor is really ON that night and start telling jokes about jorts & Fish Filets… thinking you’ll laugh because I say stuff about them every day and always get a laugh or two… and you stare at me blankly. And I start to sweat and feel awkward because I’d rather be hit in the head by a boat then be in awkward situations and just end up blabbing “Letters to Rob Dot Com. Go there” and run out? While yelling, over my shoulder, “Dumpster!”

    After the jump, find out if I list 7 (gasp) reasons!

  3. In my mind you look exactly like this all the time, 100% of the day, even when you’re sleeping or having sex (disinterested):
    I don't want your sex for now

    I don't want it (your sex)

    but I have a really, really bad feeling that this is what you look like more often than not. And add a blanket & you’d be the poster child for the swine flu:

    Im your creepy uncle. Come site on my lap. Ill share my swine flu

    I'm your creepy uncle. Come site on my lap. I'll share my swine flu

  4. Will Kristen be there to ruin the special moment of our first meeting? Will you smell like her? Will she be dry humping you as I try to talk to you about something intellectual? “Um… I like books too. And music. What a coincidence.” Will the mullet be even scarier in person and will my “things that I’m scared of” list grow to 3? Sharks, the number 7 and KStew’s mullet? (Oops, make that 4, I forgot to add swine flu creepy Uncle Rob)
    secret msg
  5. You’re 23- and everything about you that I’ve created in my mind is for a boy much older than 23. Will you dissapoint me and act your age? Inside of your latest pretentious find from your favorite Vancity used book store will I see a hidden Playboy magazine or worse- Car & Driver? What if you actually own a puka shell necklace and wear a pair of jorts or do anything on the dealbreakers list? What if you think you’re the shit, buy every UFC fight on pay-per-view and like the Foo Fighters?
  6. This is called "I don't give a crap-Chic?" I thought it was "Thank God there's something clean on my floor"

    This is called "I don't give a crap-Chic?" I thought it was "Thank God there's something clean on my floor"

    Or the opposite- What if you ARE actually dream Rob? You’re kind, you’re humble, you’re dorky in the right way, you’re funny but not “big,” you look like sexy Rob picture above when you want to and when you aren’t performing or needing to impress anyone you look prefectly “I don’t give a crap”-chic because you don’t give a crap. What if you don’t even know what a puka necklace is? Have never heard of the Foo Fighters, know how to pronounce “Bon Iver” correctly and do an amazing version of “Skinny Love” in your sexy, British voice? If you DO live up the expectations, life will be that much more cruel. And I will suddenly become the most avid supporter of Human Cloning the world has ever seen.

The reality is, you will probably never live to the “Rob” in my head. You aren’t just a pretty face to stare at but are a human with flaws. You have flaws no one wants to admit because all we really want you to be is a pretty face to stare at, fantasize about and dream of……. Let’s not ruin the fantasy, shall we? (Well, unless you had another fantasy in mind…..)

Stay away from those pigs,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Do you EVER want to meet Rob? Why!? Why not!?

And today… a very special Happy Birthday message

robert-pattinson-vancouver-3 (1)

Happy Birthday to our own Janetrigs! Love ya girl!!! XO

Keep the discussion going over on The Forum
Seriously, Moon made a FLOW CHART for us on LTT y’all. We’re hardcore

Hot sexy pictures of Rob? Where else? Robsessed
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Responses

  1. I DO want to meet Rob. Shocker, right? And not just so I can drag him behind the nearest dumpster (although if he’s up for it, I’m totally down!). I think that if someone met him on a good night when he’s not all angsty and hating be a celebrity, he’d be a good time. In my meet Rob fantasy, he’s a few drinks in and feeling good. Smiley. I’m witty and charming. His voice is all sexy. I manage to not fangirl until I’m out of his sight. I get him to admit that there really isn’t anything going on with KStew.

    It’s nice here. Y’all should join me.

    oink

    • In my own fantasy world, I don’t fangirl out until he’s out of sight as well. And I’m way aloof and this intrigues him. Totally Normal, right?

      • In my fantasy, I’m with my bff (who is more in love with Rob than me) and she’s the one freaking out when we meet him. Rob sees me, the calm, cool, collected one, and is drawn to me… le sigh. Like you, Katie, I intrigue him in my fantasy… If only.

        *NOTE* This is my FANTASY. I don’t wish to meet him for realsies! Yikes!

    • i like where you’re at pinkdolphin, im joining you

  2. I have to agree with you UC. In my mind he’s 23 going on 40. World-wise and all that. But what if I met him when he was drunk in a bar and he was cracking himself up tryinig to burp the alphabet. All of my fantasies would be crushed!

    • haha! I would be pissed if he burped the alphabet! “I want to hear your accent god damnit! This isn’t a damn recital!” Especially if he ended it with a “I totally nailed that, brah!”

      gah

  3. I do want to meet him. I’m 24 (but admittedly immature for my age!) and enjoy drinking waaaay too much in dingy London pubs, so I think we have enough in common (booze) to make it work!

    If it all goes to hell I can drink enough Jack Daniels to erase it permanently from my memory, like I did with that Friday night a few weeks ago…

    • I <3 you! Can I come visit?

    • “I think we have enough in common (booze) to make it work!”

      Hahahahaa!! HILAR!

    • booze solves a lot of problems ;)

  4. I do want to meet Rob and mainly for one reason, “Rob, let me show you how these shirt buttons work, see this one matches that hole on the other side, and if it makes it easier for you, I’ll even colour code them for you, nobody will ever know”

    x

    • I may or may not sell my soul to unbutton and then re-button Rob’s shirt. That’s one of the sexiest things to do with a man, imho. Then again, if I were to go to all that trouble there’d have to be some follow-through.

      • Definitely some follow through…let me know if his abs are really there or painted on you instead now ;)

  5. I don’t want to meet him. Cause I can’t say anything if he was right infront of me. I will be like Bella and her chaplips in the hospital scene: “whatdjawhowhadjawhowhywhy”

    Thank God I can go all fangirl while I am at the Forum of LTT and Twitter :-)

    • Me too exactly. I’ll even drool like mentally retard poster child. No matter how the real Rob turn ot tobe, i’ll go gaga over him

    • Yeah, but maybe you can play it off like you’re really good at impersonations :)

  6. In my head my chance meeting with Rob would go flawlessly. He would realise that I’m witty and articulate with a great sense of fun. Talented, attractive and intelligent.

    However, as real life sucks like balls of a goat, I would probably be so worried about coming across as a complete idiot, that I would be rendered speechless. (In times of complete stress, or in the company of incredible hotness, my mouth tends to go by the rule ‘It is better to be silent and thought an idiot, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!)

    As I couldn’t bear to be thought of as an idiot by HHH (or worse, have it confirmed) it goes without saying that it’s best that I don’t ever meet Rob I couldn’t imagine being relaxed enough to just be myself.

    Sad, but true.

    • Yeah, that pretty much sums up what would happen during the rest of the taxi ride (see below).

  7. I want to meet Rob on a good day of mine, so I can impress him. Unfortunately, I don’t think there are many days when I can impress him. Unless we’d be in a kind of situation where I can show of my fluent Portuguese skills, like, say, we’d both have to take a taxi from the international airport in Rio to the port, to take a boat to Isle Esme… yeah, that could happen.

  8. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANETRIGS! Look for your gift–I’m sending some fan fiction your way.

    I don’t want to meet Rob, not from fear of what he might do (any compliments from him about my breasts would not be considered awkward) but what I might do. I have some disorder that causes me to do and say weird things around the famous, like giving the “thumbs up”, spitting when I talk, yelling at them, or confusing them for other celebrities. I hate to see what I might do to/in front of Rob.

    • “I’m sending some fan fiction your way” Hahahaha.
      Happy Birthday Janet!

      • Thank you, but please no FF!!

    • I’m with you on this. I annoyed a somewhat famous writer that I met. I told him that I enjoyed receiving one of the magazines that he wrote for because of his articles and he informed me that he had been fired from that magazine 2 weeks prior. How did I know to say the exact thing that would annoy him? I can’t imagine what awful thing I’d say to Rob (unintentionally of course, but he’d think I was an idiot!!!).

    • <3 you!

      • ps: you suck at blogging

      • i think you know janet i meant what i said in that text! i’d like to become more acquainted with your…. FACE!

  9. I think I’d like to meet him. Because from what I’ve read, most of the people who have met him say that he’s friendly, gracious, etc (only surprise was that he smelled better than they thought he would, lol). I love Rob precisely because I think he has tried his best to stay true to himself unlike a lot of the other celebrities who have become experts in “cultivating” a persona that they think people want (but is actually different from they persons they actually are).

  10. One day, when he and I are BFFs, I’ll have to explain the origin of the dumpster references.

    But since we’ll be buddies, I won’t be too embarrassed. He’ll just slag the hell out of me for the rest of our relationship.

    Freakin’ dumpster…

    • Do you mean slag or shag?

  11. I don’t want to meet Rob (feel to old and embarressed) but wouldn’t mind looking at him in real life from a short distance away is that weird stalker behaviour (by weird stalker behaviour I mean NORMAL)

    • Totally Normal :)

  12. Nope never want to meet Rob. I prefer to keep my dignity intact, as well as my perfect impression of him. I’ll just continue fantasizing about him and call it a day.

    • I’m with you here. And if I happen to ever see him somewhere I would totally ignore him. I’m way too proud. As much as I heart him, I prefer my men coming after me.

  13. I would be happy just seeing Rob in person. Everyone says he is so much better looking in person and I just can’t fathom how that is possible.

    If we did meet I’d hope it would be in a group setting where I’m part of the group and would be comfortable enough to be cool. If I was the outsider I’d have to make an excuse and leave because I would just clam up and become part of the furniture.

    • Good point about people saying he is better looking in person! How can this even be?????? He must be just giving girls heart attacks left and right – wait, he is.

  14. Half of me thinks: EFF YES! Let me at ‘im!
    The other half thinks NO! Because I would go all red and get a hot flush (and not in a good way) stutter my words, produce excess saliva (cos that seems to happen when I’m deathly nervous), get shaky hands and get an automatic lisp that would make me sound like I still had my braces on.

    • Dude! If the rumors are true, Rob likes a stuttering lady. Take advantage.

  15. UC – You are scared of the number 7? So random and soooo funny. Your fears are my fears except for the ever getting to interview him thing. Cause unless there is a magical contest where I get picked to interview Rob just for being my snarky-self, well it ain’t gonna happen I’m thinking you can just start the convo off, by asking him about Cupcakes. Although, what happens if he hates cupcakes? Would you just end the interview right there and then?

    And Calli of course is just brills with being in heels and staring down. Too bad I was way too drunk to remember much about Jackson. Oh wait, I remember touching his arm as he walked by in a very breezy manner (that was pre-sweaty mess).

    Loved this post!

    HAPPY birthday, Janet!!!!

    • How can anyone hate cuppycakes?

      • Leigh Anne hates Cuppycakes and so does Lauren. Brings me to tears.

  16. i could never meet him – and not just because i could be his mom – i would just instantly become stupid. i would recommend some LTR/LTT gals to him though…

    (not to change the subject UC but you met Peter Dinklage – which makes you 2 degrees separation from Will Ferrell – which makes you queen of the world!)

    • this is TRUE… i didn’t think of that.. Queen of the world!

  17. This very much depends on the circumstances of the meeting. If I am just talking to him from our respective bubbles of personal space, I think I’d rather not. I don’t think he and I have much in common other than an inability to button shirts properly. But if touching is allowed… that man’s hair is getting molested by my hands and his jawline is getting up close and personal with my tongue.

  18. “the poster child for the swine flew” LOL

    I don’t want to meet him. Not because I might be disappointed afterwards or might act like a complete idiot, but I honestly don’t see the point of it all. It’s not like he’s gonna propose or something. Mmm K, but it’s not like he’s actually gonna marry me or follow me to the nearest dumpster.

    I also like the relationship we have right now:
    Him out, looking handsome, making crappy movies and rambling his way through interviews. And me sitting relaxed at home in my comfy clothes, beer and fastfood within reach, enjoying every minute of it.

    And let’s face it, even if he would be a 100% hotness, wit and fun, that stuff gets old too. Not knowing what he’s actually like and speculating the crap out of it, is a lot more fun!

    • Hence why celebrity crushes are a joy! You hit the nail on the head, dudette!

    • WIN!

  19. I don’t want to meet Rob. I want to think I’d be all normal and cool but I have a sinking feeling I’d go all fangirl. I got retarded when I met Gaelic Storm a few years ago (who?? you say… yeah.) and I don’t want that to happen again. Plus, I’m afraid of #3 (hilarious, btw) and #5. In my mind Rob is much more mature than I’m sure he is in real life.

    • Clive handjob, anyone?

  20. I wouldn’t want to meet Rob, not really.

    He would definitly smell like cigarrettes and as much as I like to see photos of him smoking, I do not want to smell it.

    Unless we met at the casino, then everyone would be smoking and I wouldn’t be able to smell him above the rest (Does that even make sense?).

    Ok. I’ll meet you at the casino, Rob. Let me know what time. ; )

  21. I *HEART* this post big time – but my birthday’s 7/7 and I like the Foo Fighters… that makes me sad :(

    • Really, UC, why did you have to make fun of Foo Fighters. They are one of my fav bands.
      There are some serioussly lame bands out there, like U2 or Bon Jovi or 30 Seconds to Mars. Why couldn’t you mention them?

      • I LOVE BON JOVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        just kidding

      • How could Livin’ On A Prayer be lame???

      • How can u say U2 is lame? I mean BONO??? Hello, totes saving the world. =P

        • “Hello, totes saving the world” Hahahaha
          (I think I missed that part though)

      • 30 seconds to mars! HAHHAHA truth. oh jordan catalano, where did you go wrong?

    • i’m SCARED of you then! :)

  22. I totally go back and forth between wanting to meet him and not…my main reason for not..my kids would be with me and they would totally ruin my game…

  23. Part of me desperately wants to meet Rob, but another (wiser?) part knows that if I did I’d probably be a blushing, stuttering, drooling idiot. I’d feel like he could read every dirty thought involving him that ever passed through my mind. And if the mullet was anywhere near him I definitely wouldn’t want to meet him, because she just does not figure into my fantasy meeting.
    I’m not worried about how Rob would look, or act or what infectious diseases he might have.I don’t think he’d disappoint me, unless he turned out to be a rude, arrogant asshole, which I don’t think he is. If he had carrot in his teeth I might offer to remove it for him. Maybe not the snot. But he could be drunk, disheveled, sniffling and wearing a puka shell necklace and that would be just fine with me. Because he’s Rob. And I could make exceptions for him.

    • One more thing-
      UC,
      If you ever do meet Rob I think you should be proud to tell him you write letters to him on LTR. Because it is obviously the coolest Rob site out there and you know he reads it religiously.

      • haha…. that’s easier for YOU to say than me! “um i write a blog about you…. yes.. i write letters to YOU….. sometimes i make you respond…. yep I’m normal” :)

        • um NO. unless he asks… even then i would probably deny it.

  24. I just want to meet Drunk Rob. He’s clearly the most entertaining Rob and if I were to meet Drunk Rob, I’d probably be drunk Laura.

    Best case scenario: I’d be in the bag just enough not to have the schoolgirl giggles but still full up with enough liquid courage to be witty and charming.
    Most Likely Scenario: I’d bump/stagger/fall into him, realize who he was and pee my pants.

    Maybe I should just stick to chatting with my RobQ magazine cover.

    • My secret was the RobQ secret from yesterdays LTT.

      • That was the best secret! hahaha! I think *we* can all relate… haha! I don’t talk to my RobQ, but it has a place of honour in my room… *averts eyes* What?!

  25. I just realized that I can’t meet Rob NOW…see, I found out I am pregnant. And yes, for a quick second I thought it could be from a few too many sultry stares from Rob. Alas, turns out to be my husband…who knew? :) Now my fantasy meeting with Rob where we meet, he finds me irresistible (duh), and run away together (or to the nearest dumpster, I’ll take what I can get!) really isn’t going to work. Unless he has a thing for big preggo bellies – then we’ve got something to work with! So, my meeting with Rob will inevitably have to wait. Maybe after his string of one night stands and hasty marriages (and my little one gets shipped off to boarding school!) we will have “our moment.” Until then, I’ll have be happy just oogling from afar! *sigh*
    :D

    • Haha I sorta know the feeling. Anyway, congrats on your pregnancy!

    • CONGRATS!!!!!!

    • Congratulations!

    • Congrats!!!

    • congrats! and he DOES impregnate with stares… so this might be a maury moment

    • Congrats Lisa! Just promise us one thing, if it’s a girl, don’t call her Renesmee :)

    • Still totally workable: You just have be adorable and helpless and require his gentlemanly assistance with…tying your shoe? haha. He’ll see you as non-threatening and then you molest him and blame in on the hormones. Frankly, I think you have the BEST chance!

  26. First…HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite lawyer!!!

    J to the RIGS!!!!!

    Ok, second, I was once a dancer (not the kind that dances around a pole) and we did this sexy routine to Janet Jackson’s IF…we danced with guys. For some reason I got stuck with the partner I believe would be exactly like Rob. He was hot…that was without a doubt but he smoked and when he sweated he smelled like a wet dog that had rolled around in an ashtray. I just have a feeling Rob would smell like that and I would have to be really mean to him, like I was this guy. I actually made him cry.

    Kellan on the other hand is getting completely and totally molested, body shots and all. I would even dance around a pole for him.

    • I’d like to know what you said to this man to make him cry.

      • I’d totally dance around a pole for Rob. I’d ask Kristen for pointers.

        p.s. – Not knocking Kristen.

      • I was just generally mean until I couldn’t take the stench any longer and I told him he smelled like a wet dog rolled in cig ash.

    • Thanks BB! And I agree…..even though I do smoke on the ocassion, of when I drink….which is often. But am trying to stop this trend. Blasted addictive crap!

  27. 2 things…

    1) I’m jealous of UC b/c she got to meet Peter Dinklage and he just plain old rocks…

    2) I <3 Foo Fighters… *sniffs* Does that mean I'm banished from LTT/LTR???

    • haha you’re name is FOOGIRL!!!! no- we only ban TammyO! but if we ever get into a ‘music off” you’re going DOWNNNN GURRRRL

      • LOLOLOL – Bring it!!!! I know how to say Bon Iver and would NEVER subject myself to a 100 Monkey’s concert… :)

  28. ZOMFG. The giggles made me tear up.

    So, do I want to meet Rob? Really? Hmmm.

    I do. So long as he is completely blown away by overeducated women that have two kids, a slight fanfic obsession, very little fashion sense, and enjoy being reclusive. If that’s the case, then bring on the meeting! So long as it’s at my office, or at least at my home (the hubs can go play golf). I can’t deal with those crowded places…

    Um, and about Rob’s adorkableness… He’s not exactly alone in certain character traits. Just saying…

  29. Wait… as hilarious as this letter is today, I cannot get past this… You’re afraid of the number 7?? Don’t get me wrong – I am not criticizing… Hell, I’m terrified of tsunamis and I live 50 miles from the coast. I am curious though.

    And I also, could never meet Rob. Mostly for the last reason. But I am certainly worried about the color of his snot.

    p.s. – Happy birthday, Janetrigs! Anyone who can appreciate a good DrunkRob deserves the happiest of birthdays.

    • For the less enlightened among us… what is meant by number 7?

    • oh i totally made that up:)

      i had this whole thing where i was going to list 10 things today and skip the #7…
      but then i got sleepy and went to bed
      :)

      • I also love the Foo Fighters

        • Nevermind. I can’t lie about that. I just dry-heaved thinking about it. I hate the Foo Fighters
          :)

          • Holy crap. let’s be best friends. Now. Moon can share.

    • Thank you!

  30. I want to meet him like Haley from Paramore met him. Just chillin and shootin the breeze over drinks which would hopefully turn into dinner and then maybe a “let me introduce you to my microwave” and then “oh I know a good dumpster on the corner of Lick and Your Face.” And if he’s wearing the BB Jacket….we will be skipping everything and be in the dumpster already!

    “What if you were recovering from a cold and a little bit of snot got stuck in your 4 day old beard? Do I tell you?”

    Priceless.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANETRIGS!!!! XO

    • Thanks! mwah!!! <3 <3

  31. I never gave the question much thought until the other day when a co-worker was making fun of my Rob screen saver and asked me what I’d say to him if I met him. To my surprise I was speechless.

    What would I say? Would I act cool and tell him how much I enjoyed “The Bad Mothers handbook”, or that his singing voice is one of the most unique I’ve ever heard?

    Would I be able to discuss with him our mutual love for the book “The Phantom Tollbooth”? Could I sit quitely and ask him how things are going, would I challenge him to a game of darts? ( I guess this fantasy meeting would take place in a bar)

    I know for a fact I would not cry, scream or act like a special needs person just because he was breathing the same air.

    It doesn’t really matter what he thinks of me. I’m one of a million fans he’ll deal with in his career. My first impression doesn’t have to be a stellar one. He’ll remember me for about 30 seconds.

    Would I be disapointed in him? No. I don’t have any expectations. He’s just a guy. Yes, I think he’s one of the most beautiful, sexy and talented men in the world. But, in the end he’s just Rob and that’s all I would ever want him to be.

    So, to answer your question, Yes, I would want to meet him. For 10 minutes or 30 seconds. It wouldn’t matter because I’d walk away with a memory to last a lifetime.

    Sorry for such a long winded reply.

  32. I once met my celebrity band crushes when I was 15. I will not admit who the band was… Anyway, I could barely get two words out I was so taken aback. I’m 99% positive that the same thing would happen with dear Robert, except that I would literally have a seizure and start drooling.

    oh and of course: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JRIGS!!!!

    • It was New Kids on the Block, huh?

      It’s ok, I still love Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

      • I had the Jordan Knight pillow case. Long live NKOTB!!

      • Yep, NKOTB for me too. Damn, Busted!!
        I was 14. Joe was so hot. I did not cry or giggle. I just stood there
        with my mouth open like a venus fly trap. Frig!

    • Once when I was about 22 I passed a band that I had just seen in concert (and thoroughly enjoyed) on the sidewalk as we headed to the same bar. I wanted to be erudite and complimentary. Instead, I gaped and waved like a four year old girl, while my much cooler (and less impressed and horny) male companion shook their hands and said what a great concert it was. Cue: Me still gaping and shaking my head “yes” creepily fast. Worst.Moment.Ever.

    • admit who it is. I know you’re closer to my age, so it’s probably not NKOTB. Backstreet? N’Sync? Or I know- LFO?

      • HAHAHA LFO. My music taste has never been THAT bad, thank god.

        It was… the Goo Goo Dolls.

        Don’t judge! I had a SERIOUS crush on the lead singer. My friend and I were staying in the same hotel as them for a concert we went to, and we recognized their tour bus (that’s how crazy of a fan I was). We walked around all day with all of their cd’s on us so that they could sign them in the event we met them. We did meet them, got their autographs and pics, and GAVE THEM BRACELETS AS PRESENTS (we didn’t make them or anything but still crazy enough that we had them in the first place. It was those wooden karma beads if you remember those). Press photos showed them wearing the bracelets on stage that night, so we thought it was the awesomest thing ever.

        Ok, enough of my lameness. Don’t hate me.

        • I LOVE this story so much! I was once in love with The Goo Goo Dolls too!! I thought the lead was funny looking in a sexy kind of way though. Your story isn’t lame at all!

          M

          • hahaha thank you fellow GGD fan… I feel slightly less lame. <3 you for it.

            p.s. I still totally love that story even though it embarrasses me now :)

        • I may or may not be the not so proud owner of 2 GGD cd’s.

          • I WISH I only owned 2 cd’s. Try their entire musical catalog, including a select few import singles that were hard to find. And now, they’ve all been signed. The GGD were my first fangirl obsession… made this Rob/Twi fascination look like child’s play.

  33. Happy birthday, Jane T!

    I waited to scroll down to the Creepy Uncle pic until the last possible moment and that was well worth the wait. “Poster Child for Swine Flu” literally made me LMAO. My whole ass. Right on off.
    UC is the shizz.

    In my fantasy, Rob comes to town to visit Graceland (cause there is no other reason to come here) and I just happen to be hanging out in that part of town with my kevlar vest on (cause there is no other responsible way to be in that part of town) … and I decide to take a tour just for the hell of it (which Memphians do ALL the time). And instead of listening to the recorded tour tape, I tell Rob jokes and anecdotes about Elvis passed down from generations of people who knew people who knew him all the way through the Jungle Room AND the pool house. He laughs OUT LOUD inappropriately at the graveside, and we have to high-tail it back to the gift shop before some Japanese tourists in jorts and TCB belts go jiu jitsu on his English arse. Then we buy sparkly vests and shot glasses, eat a banana sandwich and fend for our lives on Elvis Presley Blvd while looking for a dumpster. No where in this fantasy does it occur to me where my two children might be or why in the world I would ever go near Graceland ever.

  34. Yes I would love to meet Rob no matter what. I’ll take what I can get. I know I think I may act so foolish, not in screaming in your face type of fan but more like the silent, smiling, not moving type of fan. I don’t know exactly know I’ll act but I’ve met celebrities before, one was Will Smith. Surprisingly I acted completely normal!

    I do have a fantasy of Rob but in my head he’s not perfect. He’s as human as he can be, just like all of us. I know it’s hard to see him this way sometimes because he seems so far-fetched, he’s a star and I’m just I don’t know, a grain of sand?

    I like to think that in real life he’s a humble and fun guy, someone I would love to hang out with, if anything else. I don’t need to take him next to the dumpster, although that would be a perk (JK)!

  35. I WILL meet Rob and right now I am campaigning to do so.
    One of my best friends is a life-style magazine editor in charge (= Anna Wintour of our country) and I have this plan to arrange things through her and the movie theatre distributer of Twilight franchise in our region. I’m thinking about this since summer and being lazy as I am, I haven’t done much yet, but I am really planning to try for Eclipse press campaign.

    The only problem is, Rob not being a man of style, they might decide not to print an article about him, but I will met him and that’s all this is about

    Of course I will be hot and charming and intelligent and funny and hot…
    and things might happen…

    Happy Janetrigs day!!!

    • Rob isn’t a man of style? But…but, he was named Best Dressed!! lol

    • Thank you, JellyBeanBow! (that’s my nickname for you)

      • Welcome, Jane Strings!

  36. My greatest fear is that I’m 5.2″ and he is 6.2″, so I’m afraid he doesn’t get to see me jijiji
    I wouldn’t mind meeting him, I know in my mind he’s a little different and maybe more mature but, hey, Rob is Rob.

    I think it would be like when I met my childhood crush in 2004, I did a thousand things to earn a trip to one of his concerts in Miami, and I won it, I met him, talked to him like half a second and the most that I could do without being too silly was to ask him to autograph all my CD and tell him that his music helped me cope with difficult moments. He was very good, sweet and cute. My memory of His honest smile always makes me feel better.

    So, in the end, I think meeting with Rob can be good … it all depends on how fast I convince him to go behind a dumpster.

    You know what they say: the best perfumes come in small packages ;)

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANETRIGS!!!! (in your honor I’m eating the Double Fuckeryfun Cookies I baked for you!) :)

    • Hey Libby, thats exactly my fear if I ever met Rob too!!! I’m also a teeny tiny person and I worry that he would just miss me altogether if we were ever in the same vacinity lol! However, I do take comfort from the fact that tall guys seem to like small girls – my other half (also a Rob) is 6 foot tall – so there is some hope!
      I would love to meet Rob by the way although I doubt I’d be able to function on any level – just stand, stare and dribble before collapsing in a heap!

    • Thank you! I hope you enjoy my cookies (that sounds gross, but you know what I mean).

      • Janet I forgot to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! :-)

        • Thank you for saying it! :)

    • OMG another person who is 5’2 here! But hey you know that’s what heels are for. FTR I absolutely hate wearing high heels though. I guess I need to bring a stool so Rob won’t miss me when/if we meet him in person!

      I agree with Robstracy about tall guys liking short girls…not sure why. But DH is also tall and every guy that I’ve dated was at least 5’11 and up (which is plenty tall for me).

  37. I don’t know! Really! I’d love to see him in the flesh and see if he is really as divine as he is in photos and on screen. If Rob suddenly realised that he had a major thing for a slightly cuddly mature lady, then yes I would really REALLY like to meet him properly. As this is probably a million miles from reality; I think I would just like to see him in RL and then go back to my wonderful fantasies, with a vastly enhanced 3D image of Rob taking centre stage. Hmmmmmhmmmmmm!

    • everytime i see your teeny tiny avatar I have a heart attack b/c you look slightly like a JulieP i went to high school with!

  38. And Happy Birthday JaneTrigs, thanks for all your great comments making me laugh nearly as much as Moon & UC over the months!

    • Thank you! Didn’t realize I was so funny. I RULE! But not like Moon and UC Rule! And have you read Brookelockart, HeyyyBrother or Tiffanized? They kill me.

  39. I wouldn’t like to meet him…I tend to get shell shocked and my mind goes blank when I meet anyone remotely famous – heck, it happened with a local newscaster in my town. But I would love to be in the same locale as Rob to just sit back and watch him. Watch him pull out a cig with those lovely hands and oogle him as he lights it and brings it to those ridiculous lips. Ah, that would be very nice.

  40. THANK YOU BITCHES!! <3 you all!

    PS this post was certainly KICK ASS!

    • Dear Janet,
      I think everyone is going to think ur name is Jane. Soooo funny! Yay for my Janey!

      Happy Burfday
      Brookie

      • I thought your name was Jane and your favorite subject in school was Trigonometry.

      • That’s ok, I think it’s funny to be called Jane Trigs. Reminds me of total nights of fuckery! And meetings of the MOWs.

  41. OK, let me start by admitting that I am a dork. I know it and embrace it. Finally, after almost 20 years of dedicated worshipping finally got to meet NKOTB. *ducks from flying objects* Hey, they aren’t that bad. Anyway, had to pay lots of $$$ for 90 seconds with all 5 of them. My NKOTB bubble was burst. They were all short (tiny!) and I am sure weighed less than me (deal breaker) and really could care less about being there, meeting me. Of course, being a dork, I had to recreate this social experiment three more times over the next 6 months, you know, just to verify the results. I still love NKOTB, just not quite as fangirlatically as before. Bubble burst.

    I am a Huge Nebraska Cornhusker fan. Being from Nebraska, Husker fball players are our rock starts and are treated as royalty. For years I dreamed of being with one and then I married one. Bubble burst.

    My lone, remaining bubble is for Mr. Pattinson. I don’t want to know his flaws. I want to keep him a perfect in my mind. I don’t want to know if he smells and if his kisses taste like and ashtray.

    If I ever meet him and he has a unibrow, I WILL BE plucking that shit (I did say Plucking, not f*cking) and if his attire is in disarray, I will be correcting that as well.

    Mind you, if I ever meet HHH, I will figure out a way to have random, black food caught in ALL my teeth, have a very juicy and loud burp while simultaneously laughing so hard I expel a loud and pungent fart. While recovering from that trauma, I will laugh so hard I will snort, causing snot to shoot from my nose on to poor Rob. While trying to figure out how to recover from the food-in-teeth/burp/fart/snot-fest happening, I would find a way to trip and fall the most ungraceful and painful way possible. All while Rob looks on mortified.

    So, you see, it is best for me to keep my bubble intact and safe poor Rob from the 2nd hand embarrassment that is me.

    • “Hey Nebraska! You’re creamed corn!”

      Sorry I had to say it. My dad had an OU (Oklahoma Univ) shirt that said that.

      I honestly don’t give a flip one way or another but I probably should bc of my plans to get my Masters in Library Science from there but. . .

      Couldn’t resist the creamed corn, though!

  42. OMG!! I love that it says Jane Trigs. hehehe!!! I love you, Janet! Happy bday!!!

    UC – I love this letter. I also love The Foo (WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE FOO?!). I am also currently listening to Skinny Love all because of you. I’m imagining it in Rob’s voice though. ::le sigh::

    M

    • Thank you! Yes, Jane Trigs makes me hhhahaha and heehehehehe. I kinda like it!

  43. UC! I just remembered I know 2 people that HAVE met Rob! One of my friends was his waitress at a posh restaurant during the Cedric Diggory times and I have another friend who told me her friend’s friend was chatted up by him in a club! I was a bit skeptical about this story (it being so far removed from myself) until she said apparently he was steaming drunk and a bit smelly. Then I knew it had to be true.

  44. Since there was a drunk Rob in this post I feel like this is an appropriate place to tell a little story. Gather around kiddies…

    I went out Friday night and got really drunk with a friend and we met 3 guys. One was named Eddie (total uggo, but I still smiled like a nerd when I heard the name), one was named Cody which is completely insignificant, and the third was really cute and his name….. ROB. I giggled and he and my friend looked at me like I had two heads and asked me what I was giggling about. I couldn’t tell either of them it was because ALL THINGS remind me of Rob Pattinson or Twilight and he “just so happened” to be named Rob. They both just brushed it off, but my thoughts were 100% on Rob Pattinson the rest of the evening.

    M

  45. meet Rob—thanks, but no thanks—not because i think Rob in RL wouldn’t measure up (apart from the fact that it would take a hell of a lot of RL to bring this old dog off point) but because people who enjoy his level of notoriety are forced to think in different categories from mere mortals—

    my mantra runs along the lines of perspective—your perspective largely determines who you are—some people can gaze into a rock pool & see very little, others find a world in miniature—Rob is surely mature for his age though not immune to the adolescent pleasure of foisting unspeakables [Spunk Ransom, M. Clive Handjob]onto the uninitiated—BUT, ladies, if—-then—

    we’d converse of ‘ships & shoes & sealing wax, of cabbages & kings’—there’d be dogs & pianos—music, music, music—books, books, books—if we should happen to find a common perspective there would be space for much more—

    instead, i’m a Robsessed realist who is wallowing in pictures, old interviews, scraps & orts, & panting till the Beautiful Hobo/Bastard makes his next appearance on a screen near you—<3

  46. Yeah, Probably not going to be meeting Rob anytime soon, with my 4 children in tow! I will just enjoy the show from the comfort of my computer chair. Maybe someday I will meet UC and Moon, I am pretty sure they would get my jokes and smell better than Rob anyway.

    UC and Moon are my celeb crushes!

    Happy b-day Janetrigs! I am sending some tequila shots your way!!

    • Thank you Jaybird! *Taking Tequila Shot* Don’t tell them at work!

  47. I’m torn… Do I want to meet him .. YES.. FRIGGEN YES DAGNABIT! Should I meet him AbsoFRIGGENlutely NOT!

    Look, I’ve met famous people before, hell I almost knocked Mel Gibson right on his A$$ once in NYC while running late for work, coming out of a train station.. BOOM.. right into him, we grabbed each other’s arms to keep from falling, He looked at me and smiled, I apologized, disentangled myself and kept steppin.. cause I was late, the guy running next to me who saw the whole things looks at me when we reach the corner and says “You know who that was right?” and my response “Trying not to think about it”

    And that was in my YOUNGER DAYS! I saw Sam Bradley in NYC in August and couldn’t form a sentence… I love him, his talent, his music, I had a couple of tears well in my eyes a couple of times that evening and when the show was over and he did his meet and greet with everyone who wanted to meet and greet I looked at him and apologized…..I swear he looked at me like I was missing my drool cup and wanted to know who let me out of the home. I apologized to him for having to take a picture with me too…. WTF!

    If it was Rob.. I don’t even think I would be able to speak, and if I did I would be all in like MOM mode, I would be trying to take care of him because I would be strongly aware of how ridiculous I looked “at my age”… wouldn’t even be able to look into those gorgeous eyes, at that beautiful face… sigh

    I think I’m pretty close in my assumption of who Rob is as a person and I don’t think the end would deviate too much from what I believe him to be… but my biggest problem is the age thing… I know, realistically that our ages are eons apart and I hold no delusions of grandeur about anything where Rob is concerned… but it’s the “people” out there that think I’m wrong for finding him intriguing and attractive because of my age.

    Come on!!! I may be old but I’m not dead.. given half the chance.. yeah I’d teach the boy a thing or two.. maybe even help him to earn the title “man”…

    I just wish I didn’t feel so bad for this obsession because of my age. When Fantasy and Reality collide in life it’s reality that will win… why?… reality is a biatch, and she’s carrying some heavy weaponry.

    Just read this post through.. it’s too long and kinda pathetic.. Frig it I’m posting it anyway…

    Happy Birthday Janet

    • Happy Birthday Jane Trigs.. yeah ok.. major typo at the end.. just more proof why I should avoid all contact with him :)

      • Thank you Kelly! I knew what you meant!

    • By the way.. when I said “I’m old not dead” I don’t actually think I’m old… old enough.. 40 sumfin… just wanted to check myself there cause I didn’t want you guys thinking some 80 yr old was rocking her robsession here!!

      Although hey octogenarians need robluv too :)

  48. HAPPY B-DAY JANE TRIGS!

    Humm, well, I guess I only could meet drunk Rob: a dumpster diving and then he wouldn’t remember what happened to him that day – for at least 2 reasons – LOL I would feel safe this way, you know, just in case (haha) I have HUGE freak out in front of him.

    • Thank you, Giseli!

  49. If I met Rob it would be a complete disaster. If I even got to talk to him I would say something completely stupid and then I would analyze it for days or weeks. I’d rather just see him from afar (like 10 feet or less).

  50. also a happy birthday to you, Jane Trigs—always thought you were a math nerd but it turns out you’re Janet Rigs & a JD—cheers!

    • Thank you and yes….this is true!


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