Let’s assume for a second you have a girlfriend named Kristen Stewart. No- this is not a blanket UC & Moon declaration that we 100% believe it (we do UC does and Moon sometimes does) nor based on anything we might have heard through our very secretive grapevine. It’s just an assumption we need to believe in order to have the following conversation. We recently received an e-mail from our dear friend Calliope which said:
Calliope: I have a serious question (when am I ever serious?) But seriously:
When Rob & Kristen go on dates… who pays? Does Rob always pay? Does Kristen sometimes pay? Do they take turns? Do they always go dutch? Does Rob pick up the tab at Glowbal while Kristen fronts the cash for In-N-Out?
UC: I’m pretty sure the room service bill gets forwarded to Rob’s home address in London ATTN: Dick & Clare Pattinson. Clare, the former model scout & vegetarian health-nut, is so guilt ridden that she raised the kind of son that in one month would be billed for: 20 double cheeseburgers, 15 orders of filet Mignon wrapped in bacon, 3 hotel robes, 13 bottles of Wild Turkey, 1 replacement bottle of hotel shampoo and two viewings of “Debbie Does Dallas Again,” while Papa P., the former luxury car salesman, was so excited to recently spot his son in a green, mid-life crisis Porsche, instead of a beater BMW from the 80s, that they’re willing to pay for anything.
Moon: Rob SOOOO pays when they go out (at least he better) As for those big dinners out, someone like Stephanie or Nick pays and then they just expense it. (So essentially Rob pays. HAHAHAA sucka)
Calliope: Moon, you may be onto something… DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHY OREGANO NOW HAS NO MONEY and had to resort to getting paid for to take FAKE pics of him and KSTEW up in Vancouver in April (you know the ones where she’s on his back all smiley- the last time we saw them together?)… because he blew all his cash on taking her out to dinner?!? I bet that’s why she only dates wayyy older dudes. Because, honestly, who wants their 19 year old girlfriend paying for their dinner…?
Moon: UC you forgot to mention the 2nd side of the bill Clare & Dick received: 100 cartons of parliament lights (or whatever he smokes), 253 mini bottles of grey goose, an oxygen tank, complete replacement of the carpet and linens (since he didn’t allow the maids in and he smoked like a chimney & didn’t bathe.)
Calliope: Guys… I know how it went down:
OREGANO: listen, Summit called me and they want to pay me to take pictures with you to pretend that we are still together.
KSTEW: yeah, you said no though right?
OREGANO: Yeah… no… I told them I’d do it.
KSTEW: WTF OREGANO (she calls him oregano b/c she reads the blog) Why would you do that? I already told you, I ain’t growing your herb in my garden anymore.
OREGANO: well we dated for 4 effing years, Stewie, and all those dinners added up… Nobu ain’t cheap. And neither is the herb. So I’m hard for cash.
KSTEW: well then get an acting JOB?!?
OREGANO: I would except that damned EFRON kid has better HAIR than me… plus Cathy & Nikki keep putting in a good word for me, which, obviously DOES NOT HELP.
KSTEW: Fine. Whatever…. I’ve got to go. Rob is taking me out to dinner.
OREGANO: Where to?
KSTEW: This uber fancy place at the Opus Hotel.. Last time we racked up a $400.00 dinner bill.. but that was just apps & wine and tonight I’m starving. What are you doing for dinner?
OREGANO: Umm… not sure yet… (in the background: that’ll be 3.99 sir… did you want ketchup for your fries?)…
KSTEW: are you at the drive-thru?
OREGANO: umm… i gotta go…
KSTEW: You are at the drive-thru.. aren’t you?
OREGANO: Shut up… the McDonald’s extra value menu has some excellent choices on it…. and thanks to you I’M BROKE.
So Rob, we do have a serious question (and like Calliope, we’re rarely serious) but we need to know- what kind of boyfriend are you? Do you pay for your girl’s meals? Do you hold the door? Do you let her steal the covers? Do you buy her flowers? Do you pretend you’re going to let her pick up the next meal’s tab but at the last minute steal the bill and pay for it yourself? Or are you constantly asking Kellan & Jackson to spot you a $20 because when you get up the front of the line at Starbucks to pay for your girl’s drink, you realize your credit card slipped through the hole in the back pocket of the jeans you’ve been wearing since your Harry Potter days?
What kind of boyfriend are you?
Inquiring minds want to know,
What do you think? Good boyfriend? Bad boyfriend? Typical 23 year old boyfriend (whatever that is?) A kid? A grown-up? Dick set up a budget for him on mint.com? Too afraid of banks so he keeps thousands under his mattress in the hotel? Does he let the 19 year old pay? So many questions. And it’s Monday. No one has anything important to do – DISCUSS!
Calliope LOVES and come home soon