Trashy mags, beef jerky and Robert Pattinson

I need that "Yikes" magazine! That looks like my kind of reading!

Dear Rob-

I have a secret guilty pleasure… trashy mags and bad junkfood. And if I’m not in a airport newsstand I make a run to the drugstore for my fix. It’s alright, you’ll learn to love me for this AND I pick the best junkfood so just let me know what you want and I’ll pick it up. Today’s choice? Beef jerky. Sometimes you just want a dried out piece of meat. Ahem. And of course when I go to check out the clerk goes “Beef jerky huh?” Uh, excuse me? I don’t come to your work and go “So, minimum wage, huh?” Jerkoff.

So anyway Rob, if you don’t make runs to the drug store all the time like I do than you wouldn’t know you’re on the cover of pretty much EVERY magazine out there. I half expected Cat Fancy to have a feature on why you hated cats but were learning to love them because Kristen had one. See the way I did that? I gave even a Cat Fancy story a Robsten twist. It’s so easy!

The biggest loser Gosselin boob job fashion bulimia bachelor spectacular!

So because I love trashy, semi true, semi untrue, rag mags and started this feature over on Letters to Twilight and thought we should bring it over here to your neck of the woods, Rob, since you’re EVERYWHERE!

Hang on tight Rob as I work my way through another week of rag mags for your loyal fans!
Themoonisdown

I’ll be covering the three best looking ones that caught my eye: US Weekly, Life & Style and People.

First Up:

People Magazine

In some People Magazine Editor’s twisted world, Rob lost hottest bachelor to that melty Ken Doll himself: CHACE CRAWFORD! Is there any justice in the world? Well maybe just a little because they featured pictures of Chace from high school in which he has the most insanely manscaped eye brows and bleached blond hair! HA! We all knew THAT guy in high school.

Let’s get to the goodies:

Or lack thereof. As you can see I gave this feature a HALF thumbs up. First of all it’s an OLD picture from the EW mag shoot like a year ago. Seriously People, this is your idea of selling magazines? And then the accompanying blurb is about people screaming at him and him feeling like crying. And then talking about people’s “energy.” Uh thanks for making Rob sound like a hippie who’s into patchouli and reading people’s aura’s

Not a dry... uh... eye in the house

So you wanna know the best part of this trash mag? It would have to be the fact that a page before Rob’s feature is an advertisement for “Premarian” which is apparently some sort of cream for when your lady business is dry. That alone was worth the 4.95. Robert Pattinson- the face and the cure for vaginal dryness.

Grade: D
Buy this for it’s inadvertently comical placement of  menopausal cream ads oh and a picture of Chris Pine. Yea, that’s ALWAYS good.

Follow the cut for more advertisements for dry female body parts… and Rob…

Oops my hands in the way...

Life & Style

By far the trashiest and least reputable of the trio I picked up for today’s in depth reading (“for research,” of course) but I knew I had to grab it for it’s amazingly photoshopped cover that promised “YES, We’re Dating!” and their relationship is “dividing the cast.” Sounded like I would be in for some good gossip!

And then I flipped to the article…

The print version of "Speculation Thursday"

And it was as if Life & Style writers were LTT/LTR regulars. Because the entire article reads exactly like UC and my’s Wednesday/Thursday Speculation extravaganza. Right down to the Nikki Reed/Oregano triangle. And even the KStew/Dakota BFF business. Seriously, Life & Style, we want a cut!

Grade: B
Get this if you’re a Robsten fan and even though it’s gossip we already knew and wrote about, it’s funny to see in print that “Rob ditched Nikki after hooking up at least TWO times when Kristen opened up to his advances.” Oh and I learned that since I have a long torso, I should get a “monokini.” These rag mags are always so helpful when choosing a swim suit!

Summer vacay plans: knotted tshirts and lots of them!

US Weekly

This was probably the rag I was most looking forward to based off the cover picture and title “Tangled Web: Rob and His Women.” Though this sounds a lot like a Lifetime Movie of the week, clearly US Weekly was referring to all of us lovely ladies here at LTR.

Robbie, Chrissy and Tay Tay, OH MY!

Bypassing that Stephanie Pratt “The Hills Made Me Bulimic” nonsense, cause honestly who isn’t vomiting after watching that show? I headed straight for the goodies (that’s what she said!). The article titled “Summer Separation,” which might be a lost novel from Judy Blume’s  Friends Forever collection, features pics of Rob and Kristen on set and “how they’re handling their time apart.” And of course everyone’s favorite KStew/Dakota BFF’s picture. The most surprising being the tidbit about Kristen, 19 attending a Hwood party where she “sipped vodka and nuzzled Russel Brand’s (!!!) neck.” Now, this isn’t my first time at the rodeo, but listing Kristen’s age and then that she was underage drinking might be a a little irresponsible, US Weekly. Just sayin’. And where the crap did that Russel Brand thing come from?! I think we may have found KStew’s “type” though: dirty, english guys.

My husband's in Coldplay!

A big thumbs up for “New Boys on the Block” feature which has not only Rob (as the next Johnny Depp, meow!), and not only Chris Pine (new Harrison Ford), but ALSO Taylor (as the new Keanu Reeves). Though I can’t help but wonder if that’s a complement or not.

And lastly US Weekly has a little blurb of Stephen Moyer from True Blood calling Rob a “pussy… He’s the slimfast, Diet Coke of Vampires.” And as much as I love True Blood, Bill, if Rob’s the slimfast then you’re the cheeseburger because you have the cheesiest bad southern accent and dumbest looking fangs around. So go back to whining about Sookie or as you would say: “Sukie” and leave Rob to be brooding Edward.

Grade: A-
Get this if you want quantity and wanna laugh at how Emilie and Rob are “even starting to dress alike – plaid and dirty looking.” Uh, hate to break it to you US Weekly but “hobo chic” is the fashions de jour these days, especially for the Twi cast.

Now back to this beef jerky…

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