Posted by: UC | June 19, 2009

Confessions of a Robert Pattinson Stalker

FML, FML, FML

FML, FML, FML

Dear Rob,

What a week, huh? First you get attacked by High-School-Musical-loving Twihards, then you get hit by a cab (OR, as my friend Calliope remarked “10 bucks says Rob actually tripped over his own feet and that’s why he got love tapped by a cab”) and now the Internets are abuzz with phrases like “Protect Robert Pattinson” And “Respect Rob” (although I argue we should be yelling “Respect NYC Cabbies” because I bet that little love tap did a number on the cab, what with your strong, muscular legs…)

What ever happened to the good ol’ days of girls solo-stalking celebrities by following them a few paces back, wearing disguises- wigs from the Raquel Welch wig line, sunglasses & trench coats- and sending obsessive love letters spritzed with their favorite perfume? Is the lonely-female stalker a dying art form? BlackBook magazine ran an article this week that gives me hope that such a woman still exists. It was entitled Confessions of a Robert Pattinson Stalker and was an interview with one of their interns who describes herself as “not psychotic but I am a little bit obsessed, but who in their right mind isn’t?” That’s true. Who in their right mind hasn’t wanted to answer an interviewer’s questions like this:

And what do you think about [the rumors of a Rob & Kristen Stewart hook-up]?
I don’t want to talk about it.

Did you like [the New Moon trailer]?
I don’t know, I fucking hate Kristen Stewart…..She’s the same character in every single movie. She’s like a female Michael Cera.

What’s the goal in all of [your Rob stalking]?
To find him and ravage him.

This “BlackBook” intern e-mailed us a few days ago and wanted us to share a letter she wrote to you (Check it out after the jump):

Dear Robert,

The minutes seem to drag on until I see your face again…my Internet won’t work in the office and I’ve been here for a whole half an hour. My friends may support my passionate love for you, but they have real work to do and won’t lend their connection for my daily dose of Robert. So I wait patiently for my lunch break where I intend on doing anything but lunching. I plan to trek 15 blocks to catch a glimpse of your mysterious smile…and perhaps snap a picture to capture your ultimate sexiness forever on my memory card. The truth is, a picture is no make-out session, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

I arrive on the scene to find that not only are barricades holding me back from my main man, but also you are filming inside all day and the windows are obstructing the view. I prevail. Sweaty tweens, that would no doubt attach themselves to your right leg, push and shove me along with their equally obsessive mothers. Watching the unworthy choices for movie extras peddle their bikes and tote their backpacks to be in your “background shot”, I find myself fighting the urge to run onto set. However, I remind myself that I am 22 years old and not crazy. Plus, I’d rather see you from afar than be banned from the set for one little touch. Or so I tell myself over and over and over again.

So among your other (much crazier) fans, I wait for my first real human glimpse of the Hottest Man on Earth- you. Some eager Robert-lover overhears a comment I make and begins asking rapid questions trying to divulge my general knowledge about yours truly…I decide not to answer her because she is an over-obsessive fan. I go back to shaking nervously and forcefully pushing ten-year-olds out of my way to get closer to you.

Remember Me Robert Pattinson“He’s coming out,” I hear my trusty co-intern say to me. OMG there you are in all your 6’1-disheveled hair-stylish clothes glory! I fight back the natural instinct to bawl my eyes out and begin to jog down the street to get a clear look. I question this action but can’t seem to stop myself. Set crew yell “no mob rushing, girls” as I swiftly, nonchalantly run my ass as fast as I can past them. I get to the other side of the street just as you slip sexily into your trailer and catch a glimpse of your left shoe. I never thought a left shoe could look so good. The disappointment overwhelms me but I remind myself, “There’s always tomorrow,” and despite what other psychotic-esque conclusions may have been gathered from my BlackBook interview, I am just a normal girl desperately in love with a movie star I’ve never even met.

Until we meet,

BlackBook Intern

Now this is the kind of girl you want running after you. Forget the high-school-musical loving Twi-hards with their Twilight bags, stickers and buttons.  Get yourself a real stalker! Although, just in case the crazies don’t stop chasing you down the street and pushing you into cabs, might I suggest getting yourself a Pope-mobile?

Love,
UnintendedChoice

We’ve emailed back n’ forth with this so-called “Robert Pattinson stalker” this week. She’s really normal, promise. She’d fit in really well at LTR, so we hope she sticks around and shares more of her adventures stalking Rob in NYC this summer! Read her entire hilarious interview with BlackBook Magazine here

Thank Calliope for her brilliant photo-shopping job of the Rob-Mobile. Cuz I’m STILL laughing.

But seriously. We need to start respecting the celebs we love so much. We have a really serious post about it over on LTT

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Responses

  1. […] about the best real life Rob stalker and see the Rob’s new security at LTR RESPECT The Forum! Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Rob and BigGimme a little […]

  2. RobMobile?! and a photo of a black shoe?!?

    (that only a few months ago, I wouldn’t have known whose body it belonged to?!)

    Have freaking mercy…!!

    LTR, always educational.

    • weird black canvas shoes next to slouchy jeans? yup, can only mean ROB!

      • fucking loser

  3. The RobMobile – I’m speechless… I- I- I think I love you now, Moon & UC, instead of Rob. I’ll try to be a good, respectful stalker.

    (PS Pssst Rob, I don’t mean it… It’s you, always you.)

  4. I don’t think I could ever stalk him…because I’d make a complete ass out of myself by eitehr trying to act too cool for school and trying to pretend he didn’t exist or that I was too important to know who he was…or I’d faint…neither are options in which I’d actually be able to make any sort of impression on Rob….

    • ive determined if i ever saw him i’d just be speechless and silently die

      • if i met rob i would non chalantly pull put my sage and the dills cd and sit reall y close to him. then he would be like, hey, I know them, and I’d be like, wanna see this really cool dumpster out back? then our love story would be complete.

      • I think that would be a completely normal reaction.

  5. uhm, i don´t know about that stalker girl. it´s a thin line…
    AND the robmobile rocks, because he totes needs one.
    (AND the cab driver should try to sell his cab on ebay. i bet crazy obsessed people would buy it.)

  6. You ladies teach us so much :D

  7. OMG the Robmobile is the shit…but I would prefer him with the Pope hat too!

    As I read this, the NKOTB are about to be on Regis and Kelly…and I’m totally Tivo’ing it and watching it. I really could be the BlackBook girl. I used to rock at non-scary stalking. Now I just lay in bed with my dogs watching the same show I used to tell my mom was lame (but is now cooler because Kelly is my age).

  8. ‘The truth is, a picture is no make-out session, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.’

    THIS^^^^^

    Rob, when you say you don’t know what everyone wants from you….this should answer that question. Well…at least the PG rated version of said answer. Too much truth?

    Thank you UC, Calliope, and thank you BlackBook Intern for articulating what is the fulness of our allied struggle and pain.

    And if you ever do get close enough to interview him (smell him, touch him, put your tongue anywhere interesting, swipe a used ciggie, cut a lock of hair, etc.), then please write back to LTR with the full interview for our reading pleasure (SPILL THE DEETS SISTER, we want full play by play WITH pictures, no skimping the fine points, and I want a sample of DNA or get out!)

    Love Proselyte

  9. The RobMobile, I can’t stop laughing! Pricless, simply priceless!

  10. “I don’t know, I fucking hate Kristen Stewart…..She’s the same character in every single movie. She’s like a female Michael Cera.”

    This is fucking brilliant! Holy crap I never realized that’s exactly how I feel about KStew until now… brilliant!

    • she is the female Michael Cera. it’s SO true

      • And yet, I kind of love Michael Cera, since I will never ever get over George Michael.

        • guh. with you on that one.

  11. The Popemobile is awesome!!! Way to go Calli!!

    Ok, now I can’t remember what my next comment was going to be.

    Crap. I’ll be back.

  12. LOL the description of kristin stewart was exact! haha im not a fan of her movies either! she’s got no variety, nor differences in acting skills..
    but back to rob stalking..

    black book def nailed it ((thats what she said)..
    stayin back a bit, and watching from afar is almost like creepy stalkerish at the same time too..
    to get A glimpse of him, is good enough..

    as for the robmobile, maybe it should be the answer to chystler and GM ! haha

  13. Lollllll “FML FML FML”
    And I love Blackbook intern! The interview is hilarious.
    “What’s the goal in all of this?
    To find him and ravage him.” haha!!

  14. LTR is better than my morning cup of coffee.

    And waaaaay more funny.

    I <3 you.

  15. “What ever happened to the good ol’ days of girls solo-stalking celebrities by following them a few paces back, wearing disguises- wigs from the Raquel Welch wig line, sunglasses & trench coats”

    I also imagined if I were a stalker it would be like Samantha Jones when she stalkers Richard. LOL.

    The Rob Mobile is priceless!

    • I imagined the stalkers Sherlock Holmes with boobs. He does need a Pope-mobile. :)

  16. Great Rob Mobile Calliope!! Hilarious! Okay I have to stop looking at it because I keep laughing…

    And BBI is so right. KStew is the female Michael Cera. I never got why everyone says she’s such an amazing actor. Amazing she gets cast to play the same character over and over!

  17. Im sorry, this girl is a stalker. There is a line you don’t cross. Rob needs to be VERY careful someone might me a nut and really believe they are his girlfriend and do who knows what. Im not saying this person will do that but the letter freaks me out. What if Rob reads this? Do you think he will be ok with it? He is a person not a piece of meat.

    by the way I live a hour from NY, I love Rob and wanted to go to the set myself. I decided NOT to after all this craziness, the last thing he needs is more people following him. That’s me respecting him though, I wish everyone did that.

    RESPECT ROB PATTINSON.

  18. Oh and Kristen Stewart Rocks! I don’t know why people bash her, maybe because her and Rob are great friends? Its sad to see the jealously from his “fans”

    • *great friends*… chuckle…

    • Really? Kristen Stewart rocks? I suppose I could hate her just because i think he lurves her. But no… I’m 99% sure it’s cos she’s an awful actress..
      Was fascinated to stumble across Bella Swan/Kristen Stewart in a teency part in Jumper the other day, and she is EXACTLY the same in everything. 15 seconds and a word on two on screen was enough to see all her trademarks; the huff (please God, no more huffing in new moon), bored/confused/semi-sarcastic expression, and toneless voice. Just can’t see it.

  19. hahah

    “To find him and ravage him.”

    Amen, sister!

  20. ajajajajajajaj
    The Robmobile! jajajajaja

    I just saw some pictures of Rob kissing Emilie… I think she is gonna need security now…

    I guess the problem with stalking is the fact that some people don’t know the difference between real and fiction… they see him like Edward… worship him like Edward… I can only hope this little incidents stop and our dear boy doesn’t get really hurt…

    If he does I’m willing to kill anybody!!!! Anybody!!!! just saying…

  21. No, I disliked Kristen Stewart before I even knew who Rob was. I love how everyone who doesn’t think she’s some Julia Roberts is slighting Rob in any way. Guess what? I HATE those Nikes he wears. Now what? Am I unworthy of still thinking he’s unbelieveably fuckhot? Whatever. You Kristen fans need to understand that not everyone thinks she’s talented. And that’s okay. They’re called opinions. Everyone has them. Some even think ::gasp:: ROB himself sucks like a Hoover. That’s okay, too.

    Contrary to popular belief everyone(I) is not so immersed in everything that is Rob that their own likes/dislikes go out the window. I don’t like all of his music choices or that obscure book he pulled out of his ass either. I’d also tell him that to his face.
    Taking my Rob card now?

    • You can keep your Rob card! I think his ears are like that of elves. And that he looked like was sucking on a lemon when he did the Bella bite scene in Twi. And Van Morrison sucks IMO. Can I keep my card too? Cause despite all that, I’d still do him (provided my hubby allowed me to).

      Oh, and I like KStew but I – gasp – don’t think she’s talented. At all.

      Just my 2 cents.

      • “sucking on a lemon” I love you – soo true! But I will still look at him…; )

    • I’m gonna have to agree with pinkfluff on this one. Don’t loose your identity in Robdom/Kristendom.

      If you hated the dadcase, don’t back down! If you think his music, book, movie, drink, cig, clothing, shoe, hair product choices reek….why would you try and force yourself to change? He’s not gonna notice. Trust.

      Plus, something tells me Rob wants an individual, not a follower. I’d tell him straight up to drop the cigs, true story. Well, if we were acquainted that is.

      P.S.

      ‘Some even think ::gasp:: ROB himself sucks like a Hoover. That’s okay, too.’

      Me too Rob, me too. ;)…ifyouknowhatimsayinandIthinkyado.

      • Oh and BTW Rob,

        I hate the Nikes too. Just make them go away.
        Bring back the sexpender pants, everyday. forever. period.
        I get the whole twenties, Brit, Pub, drinking thing, but if you’re still a lush when you’re in your thirties, we’re gonna step back and regroup.
        I’d love your music a whole lot more if you sounded less like who you admire, and more like yourself.

        Do I still have my Rob card?

        • Thanks girls! I’m not alone! Yay!
          I dislike Kristen’s acting. Not HER because hello, I don’t know her. LOL She could be the biggest bitch on the planet or the nicest, sweetest thing, too. I just find her ‘acting’ medicore at best. FTR, I don’t think ROB has reached his acting all time high, either. But he’s YOUNG and he’s certainly learning aand getting better, no doubt. Doesn’t take away from his adorkable-ness or his other endearing qualities.

          I did LOL @ ears like that of elves and yes 100% about the individual thing.

          Have a mind of your own, people! It’s a fantastic thing!

          • No one mentioned his laugh. It’s ridiculous and awesome even though it’s a little bit too close to my own. He giggles like a school girl. I adore it.

            But I want to take care of his eyebrows… Not so he looks like Joey Lawrence or anything, but so you see more of eye bedroom eyes.

    • This is why I <3 LTR! We can all have our own opinions and not feel bad about sharing them and still keep our eyes on the "prize" LOL

      I <3 you all!

  22. This blog entry made me realize that I’m one trenchcoat shy of having a full-on lone stalker kit. (Yes, I already have a wig. Or ten. They are teh awesome.)

  23. Black Book Intern needs to start hanging around here, she is full of win. What a riot.

    Oh and I scrolled all the way thru the comments, and I am STILL Laughing. Out. Loud. at the RobMobile. Holy crap, that funny.
    :-)

  24. Rob….on the beach….in shorts…..kissing! THUD!
    GO NOW:

    http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/06/19/robert-pattinson-emilie-de-ravin-kissing-couple/

    • more here:

      http://twitpic.com/photos/FakerParis

      • Wow, all we need now is a little buffalo sauce and we would have the perfect chicken wings with those legs.

        Wait, imagining Rob covered in sauce.

        • Imagining licking aforementioned sauce off of Rob….lol

      • You are a goddess, Jena, a goddess…

  25. and even more here! IT’S LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

    http://www.laineygossip.com/Robert_Pattinson_kissing_on_the_beach_on_Remember_Me_Set_in_New_York.aspx

    • You’re good!

      I am…. jealous. I know, I know. That’s lame. But it’s true.

    • He’s looking fineeeeee… so happy!!! smiling!!! and having fun!! I love this Robert!! love him… love Happy Robert!

    • ha. Loving his white legs but mine are even whiter…they glow in the dark!

      • I’m jealous too…of her. Can Hollywood send me whatever kind of cream, spray gook it is they smeared on her legs to make them look she’s never falled down and busted her knee open, never scratched a misquito bite until she’s scarred herself, never had a scab or a bruise and is perfectly tanned ALL over (even her knees???) Cuz the Jergens isn’t workin for me and her legs can’t be that perfect….biotch.

  26. I just want to tell you all that whatever I think is always right cause I’m super smart and always correct. But can’t spell.
    I also need to say that I enjoyed the very serious post on LTT today and that stalking is completely normal, although large crowds scare me, so if HHH is not at the bar, I guess I’ll never get to stalk him proper. But if he’s there, I get to see my fav, DRUNK ROB! Cause DRUNK ROB is the sexiest!

    PS BlackBookIntern sounds fun. Maybe we can all drunktweet with her later. Call me!

    • Drunk Rob IS the sexiest….and the easiest too i imagine lol

  27. This post was awesome! I laughed all the way through it… and i agree… Let’s go Old school stalking! :p

    And the Rob mobile… hahahaha!!! Who ever created that deserves an Irish coffee delivered by Rob… right now…! :p

    • Regarding the KStew uniroll…. LOL… i found yet another movie where she was in…. called “Speak” I rented it… (yes, i watch just about any movie for culture’s sake)

      I’ll tell ya all later if anything out of the ordinary blinking happened! :p

  28. The Rob-mobile is hilarious-and not really a bad idea.
    Those Twihards are mighty ballsy and obviously have no boundaries.
    Poor-Rob-it must be a little emasculating to always be running away from teenage girls.

    Let’s face it, we’d all like to find Rob & ravage him-but I’d be ravaging him in my mind, not trying to herd him into traffic and rape him.

    As much as I want to go into the city to try and catch a glimpse of him, I don’t want to be associated with these crazed fangirls who have no respect or sense.

  29. OK, so after careful study of the new pictures of Rob in shorts (yes you read that right, shorts) I have come to the conclusion that freeballin Rob is back!

    • LMAO! I’m sure all that attention to detail was just dreadful ;)

  30. I think I deserve a reward for bring in the same city as rob on mutiple occasions and never attempting to find him or “accidently” bump into him. I’m not so sure I even want to meet him without the promse of making out with him/ getting knocked up by him.
    He most def needs his very own glass case from which we can view him. the rob mobile sort of reminds me of the glass cases my grandpa would put her most valuble beanie babies in.

  31. LMAO at “FML, FML, FML” Is it wrong? I’m sorry, it’s my weird sense of humor…

    Robmobile = hahahaha

    ‘I am just a normal girl desperately in love with a movie star I’ve never even met’ – Can I append ~and never will~ to this sentence and take this as my own words??

    ‘girls solo-stalking celebrities by following them a few paces back, wearing disguises…’
    *sigh*
    good.times

  32. “I decide not to answer her because she is an over-obsessive fan. I go back to shaking nervously and forcefully pushing 10-year-olds out of my way to get closer to you.”
    This had me in stitches as I could soooo see that scenario….especially loved the trying to convince herself she wasn’t like the rest.
    Who knows what any of us would do in HHH presence…I like to think I would be my normal mature sensible self but sigh…. I wouldn’t bet on it….

  33. “To find him and ravage him”! I heart BBI. That was great.
    “What ever happened to the good ol’ days of girls solo-stalking celebrities by following them a few paces back, wearing disguises- wigs from the Raquel Welch wig line, sunglasses & trench coats- and sending obsessive love letters spritzed with their favorite perfume?”
    Love it! Time for me to break out the good stationary and Heavenly.

  34. Seriously!?!
    FML, FML, FML.. SO GREAT!! Even if that was part of the scene I’m pretty sure that’s what he was thinking.
    And the beach pics.. He looks so happy, but I’m thinking the Pepsi stock is on the rise this very minute.
    I would think that I could withstand not acting like a complete lunatic if I were ever in the presence of HHH, but we’ll never know until that happens.. here’s hoping :)

  35. I feel for Rob in these situations. If I were to ever see Rob on the street, I would most likely feel my heart stop and then proceed to beat a million times a minute. Would I approach him? Probably not, since I would lose all vocal function, but I would manage to use my cell phone to take a booty shot. But I could never just jump him like those girls and make him uncomfortable.

  36. Oh God, I need to get to New York now. I was going to go, but that involves money. Since I pent all my money on little statues of Robert and a life size one too (which is a turn down, he’s 2-D, what’s the point?). I am so upset, I need money. I lost my wallet with $200 in it, so no plane ticket. Damn. Please pity me. :(

  37. HAHAHAHAHA love the Rob Mobile. He can “bless us” all in his presence, yet still “be safe”. I agree BlackBook Intern needs to stick around here.

  38. somebody tell me what FML stands for?

  39. thanks

  40. FML FML, FML…lmao…poor baby, Rob. It sucks to be you sometimes.

    “I never thought a left shoe could look so good.”

    Sad when a left shoe does it for you. haha.

    @Calli

    ROB MOBILE = WIN!

    Think that is so effing awesome….

    and completely necessary!

    Get the f*ck on it, Summit!

  41. OMG. the RobMobile is awesome

  42. my first response: I LOVE MICHAEL CERA!

    i just blogged about him like. 10 mins ago. for real.

    second response: LOL.

    pretty much it.

    oh and Id love to hear more from blackbook intern. she seems perfectly normal for a stalker of rob :] which is pretty much the exact opposite. which makes it great.

    AND the rob-mobile is amazing. but! maybe he would get less people attacking him…oh…i dont know…If he went and DANIEL GALE-d himself?

    that rainbow sweater WILL be on my floor one day…

    Xk

  43. OMG LTV yall are hilarious!!! Every story makes me Crack Up!!!

  44. haha.too freaky deeky. i keep thinking, no this can’t be for real, and then, yep, it probably is.
    btw someone should tell robo-man that nyc cabbies have the right of way. a TMZ papp/stalker, got tapped by one yesterday when he was filming regis philben. lol oye!

  45. there are so many crazy fans out there if i met rob i wouldnt go to insane i mean? look at him hes amazing every girl wants him i would do anything to meet him! hes pretty much my idol(:
    hes fav color is gray,hes not a big fan on candy rob got exspelled when he was 12. HES FANS CALL HIM SPUNK RANSOM!(: hes doesnt like the name Robert. he thinks girls that wear ugg boots is unattractive awh sad?:( ha van morrison is hes idol. fav drink diet vanilla pepsi,may 13 1986 born in London, England im obsessed with twilight and lovin rob(:

  46. This text is perfect. I had such a good laugh :D. Amg. So true, so true. So many obsessed, but this Robert Pattinson Stalker is just so witty. Love the letter :) Can relate. I’m 23, and would still probably have similar difficulties if I was actually to see him…but since that’s not going to happen (especially cuz I’m all the way in Serbia)- I’m fine. :D Not sure the shoe’s that fascinating though lol.

  47. The FML pic makes me sad.

    • I feel the same way. It’s ok little rob, the insanity will only last as long as your beautiful hair and roman-esque features do….

  48. Aaaahhhhh Rob!

  49. […] I am a little bit obsessed, but who in their right mind isn’t?” That’s true. … http://letterstorob.wordpress.com/2009/06/19/confessions-of-a-robert-pattinson-stalker/ Daily […]

  50. RobMobile :D

    Sucks to be Rob right now


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