Posted by: UC | June 17, 2009

Why Rob should never be a dad

Since it’s Father’s Day week, we thought we’d do some “Dad-themed” letters

Rob should keep his day job (spokesperson for Jansport) and never become a dad

Rob should keep his day job (spokesperson for Jansport) and never become a dad

Dear Rob,

I am well aware of our audience. That 68% of them are women (seriously? 32% male? Welcome Unicorns!), 53% of them have kids, 35% of them have kids ages 3-11 and 19% of them are Hispanic, which is above average (hola mis amigos!) So I know that many of them are not going to agree with this letter to you, but since when has that stopped Moon or I from writing something? We posted an embarrassing video one of our readers sent us last week without a second thought (Actually our thought process was this: (watch video) 20 minutes later Me: Moon? Are you still there? Moon: Yes. I think Me: What the eff was that? Moon: We can’t post that Me: I know, we can’t. Moon: But we can’t not post it Me: I know, it’s already drafted & scheduled for 8am.) So the following needs to be said, despite knowing I will be in the minority more than the people who still think TomStu should have played Edward.

I cannot picture you as a dad. In fact, on you it’s a total turn-off.

I’ve heard (yes, from the gals I love on LTR) people say “Rob will sure make a great dad!” WHAT? No you won’t! Here are some practical reasons why:

  • You can’t button your own shirt correctly- how would you care for a child?
  • You’re a chain smoker
  • You drink too much
  • You live in filthy hotel rooms and apartments
  • You’re an actor, so you’d never be home
  • You said you don’t like children
  • You’re 23
  • You wouldn’t know what to do if someone put a baby in your arms
  • Your “bonding time” would probably include a game of ‘who can microwave all the produce the fastest”

I have also taken the liberty of collecting some photographic evidence as to why you should refrain from fatherhood:

You bite babies

You bite babies

Picture 3

If you had a child we'd have to see you with a baby mama. That would break our hearts

Picture 4

Babies are so time consuming that you'd have even less time to wash your hair (and I don't think that's legal in some states)

Don’t miss all the evidence after the jump!

Picture 5

"I think I'll name you Thomas "Hot-pocket" Sturridge Jr."= FAIL

Picture 6

They don't allow you to airbrush on abs for shirtless dad photoshoots

Picture 9

Even the baby thinks you look like an alien

Picture 10

You'd probably have to sell your hoody in order to buy duck hats for your baby girl. We can't have that

Picture 12

There wouldn't be room for us on the bed :(

Picture 13

Your baby would never be able to nap on a walk- the crazy fangirl stalkers would wake her up with their screams of adoration

Picture 14

Your child would be so cute, no one would look at you anymore

Picture 16

You'd look too sexy & outshine your daughter for your "family beach day" picture in the Hamptons

Loving you as a hot, sexy SINGLE child-less man,
UnintendedChoice

Not convinced? Watch the vid where these pics came from

  • What’s Moon got for us over on LTT? (Seriously? What does she have.. I went to bed before it was done, so it’s a surprise for me too)
  • The Forum is a fun place to talk about why you think Rob would make a great dad (Oh, the comments are fine too!)
  • Check out the funniest Rob Stalker commentary ever.
About these ads

Responses

  1. Is that Stephenie Meyer in that pic of him, Kristen and the baby? That’s really kinda freaking me out ….

    • YES!
      In the background.
      Very freaky-weird.

    • yes. that is brilliant.

    • thats my favorite part!! grammy meyer is looking over them. ALWAYS!

    • why does rob always fake bite people? if anything he should bite folks for realz so they’ll stop stalking him in fear of getting pattzbitten.

      p.s. rob should never ave kids cuz it takes away from your “doin it” time. I need all of that I can get. No sharing!!

  2. The perfect antidote for yesterday’s madness…

    Back to funny… way better…

    P.S. Do the two of you actually sleep?

    P.P.S. That bottom picture looks like a clothing advertisement or Calvin Klein perfume ad…which just ads to his modeling cred for his wiki entry.

    • i have not gotten much sleep lately, no.. dreaming of jansport backpacks….

      • Completely valid reason for getting limited sleep.
        The look on his face in that pic is *gold*.

    • NO!

      too busy watching the bad mothers handjob and blogging

  3. First off…SHOUT OUT to all my Hispanics out there…Second I totes agree with you UC I just don’t see him as a father figure…at least not right now…and if he ever needs a baby momma I am willing to take one for the team and be his baby momma…no need to thank me guys I do it because I luv ya gals!! ;) Great post as always!!! :)

    • Seriously?? 19% hispanic? Woot.

    • 19% WUT WUT!!!

  4. i´ve already seen all those photoshopped pics of him with a child, but not all of them together (insert shiver) people do crazy shiz.
    and i agree, a baby doesn´t suit the robster.

    • @UC/Moon…first all, thanks for allowing me to verbally abuse people in the comments yesterday. You are true friends.

      Regarding today’s post:

      Hell to the NO! Rob, should not be a Daddy. It would sabotage my fantasy and that is simply unacceptable.

    • @yellow…hello! Ya, I didn’t intend to sidle up to you here for my post. Twas a boo boo. Meant to post at the bottom. But you know, no coffee as of yet.

      But now that I’m here…so, how are you?

      • If you keep sidling like that, we are going to make you carry a box of Tic Tacs around…

        • You miss nothing my dear!

          • Oh you just can’t say sidling around ME!

          • ok the sidling is scaring me… i keep waiting for someone to brush up against me

  5. Totally agree. Part of the appeal of Rob is that he is single and has no responsibilities save showing up on set. His hotness is not increased when pushing a stroller.

    Though part of my rationale is totally shot when I think of Cam…he is totally a DILF.

    • he SO is a dilf!!! i was discussin this w/ some friends as well. DANG!

    • DILF…oooohhhhh yeeeeeah.

    • AMEN! cam = dilf

  6. Those pictures are really weird. And I totally agree, love him sexy single and childless!

  7. Bwahahahaha! Those pics creep me out, but in a funny way.

    Okay, I would just add the caveat: Rob shouldn’t be a dad RIGHT NOW. In 10 or 15 years, he’ll be a fuckhawt father figure, but yeah, at 23, no way.

    Love you girls!

    • So would he be a FILF? LOL!

  8. :D LOL :D

    There wouldn’t be room for us on the bed
    :D LOL :D

    That one had me convinced!!!!

    But seriously, the main reason why Rob should never be a dad is because I don’t want children and of course if he wanted children that would put a strain in our relationship. ;)

    Great, great post as always.

    Hugs,

    ANDREA

  9. Couldn’t agree more if I tried. Part of his allure is he’s YOUNG AND CHILDLESS! Who wants a hot dude with kids and baby-mama baggage? No one.

    • sing it sister!

  10. “I think I’ll name you Thomas “Hot-pocket” Sturridge Jr.”= FAIL

    Even the baby thinks you look like an alien

    You’d probably have to sell your hoody in order to buy duck hats for your baby girl. We can’t have that

    I Lol’d :D

  11. Oh, and those photos with babies, strollers, and etc.

    Knock that crap off people! It’s disturbing.

    • but if they knock it off.. whatever will i make fun of!?

      • You’re right, again. Keep diggin deep into the crazy ppl.

        • keep making videos too! we need more crazy!!

  12. I agree, Rob’s not ready for a baby. Not yet anyway. His hotness would def be adversely affected by a kid.
    Please, Rob, use protection!!!

  13. OK so I have 3 kids of my own and I am part of the No babies for Rob group, maybe in like 10 years or something. His single, no baby sexiness is part of the appeal for me. A memory of days past.
    Your baby would never be able to nap on a walk- the crazy fan girl stalkers would wake her up with their screams of adoration—-ok that is so funny

  14. watz up guys?! One day rob and i will get married and we will have kids… *daydreaming* hugs and kisses, kim :) (sa)

  15. Probably the only time I have been revolted by Rob pics…true story! Even wonky-eye vid, no -even the pic of him in red undies – didn’t creep me out as much as these do!

  16. Why do people freaking create images like that?

    I want to understand. I want to get it but I don’t.

    Don’t they have jobs?

    And at this juncture in time, I agree Rob should not have children. But one day he could be like his hero Hugh Jackman and be with an OLDER woman (re: me) and have a child and be totally hot. It could happen.

  17. Those pictures are a perfect example of how this fandom has cheapened a beautiful love story.

    Bet y’all a bojillion bucks they were all created by those whackadoo nutjobs who accosted him on Monday.

  18. Yea sorry I can only see the picture of Rob in the Jansport pic..well I should say I REFUSE to see any of the other pics other than the Jansport :)

  19. To people who make LTR girls cringe with the above photos,

    Let life happen. You may or may not get your wish, let’s say in next 10 years or so. Either it’s unnatural to do this kind of things to a single guy. He may end up being in the other side of the spectrum for all the craziness he recieves from girls. *Shooks head* You see, don’t scare the crap of our adorkable, witty, intelligent[the list goes on] 23 year man. We love and adore him just they he is. Let him be. Stop photoshopping and making sicknast and creeptastic videos.

    love
    maygirl

    • Maygirl – you have saved me having to type anything.

      • happy to help : )

    • Just what i want to say.

  20. his whole appeal is all about him being younge w/o kids..! its totally hot!
    now if he were older, married, to have kids would be a turn on as well, and we’d all be home wreckers.

    those photoshopping is what really creeps me out.. he’s a younge guy himself sayin “i dont like children, at all!” LOL when that one baby came on set, he thought it was a joke, not “oo let me take a pic w/ the cute baby” it was more like, “fck sakes, a baby?! fine. im makin the best of this” [chomp]

    the captions were def what made the pics tho! hah

  21. A bit skeeved out by all those pics, that I had to scroll down very fast to tell you that!. Ughh!

    • Totally agree skeevy pictures.
      Main reason for Rob no kids is I’ve been there done that and he don’t need to all the time there’s me…..{wish}

    • You’re still gonna join me and Ceri on the commune? I’m cool if he knocks me up and sets us all up in a nice house (Big Love style). He’ll set us with enough money so we can hire nannies for all the RPattz Spawn then we can sit around drinking and cussing all day long.

      • oh VG thats hilarious. “big Love style”. priceless.

  22. Can you imagine if Rob saw those pictures? Or watched that vid? I wish I could hold his hand through the experience..

    • I don’t think he would ever leave the house. Poor Wobby.

  23. I am the first to admit I’m still waiting for Rob to give me my uterus sperm autograph (and should that result in a little baby Pattz, that’s cool) ;-) . But come on people! He’s only 23. Do you really think he’s ready to be a dad? Who are these people saying he’s gonna make a great dad?

    I gonna back in the Robble. Every time I leave I gotta deal with the crazy ass peeps.

  24. I’ve seen some of those, too. Are they from a video? I am completely Photoshop-tarded, but if people are going to spend a lot of time fusing Rob’s head onto someone else’s body, couldn’t they size it better? Is that hard to do? Since I couldn’t do it, I probably shouldn’t be too harsh, but that is half the reason he looks like an alien in those, his head is humongous.

    Also, Rob with kids now? No way, but Rob with kids when he’s in his 40s? That would be fine, I just don’t want to think about it, yet. Give me 17 years or so….

    I want to be a Jansport backpack….

    (now there’s a sentence I never thought I would type)

    • *rattle, rattle*

    • His head IS humongous.

      He’s like a bobble head. A very sexy bobble head but still…dudes got a big melon.

    • “I want to be a Jansport backpack….”

      LMAO! I<3 ur face for that!

      • heart you back!!!

  25. Your “bonding time” would probably include a game of ‘who can microwave all the produce the fastest”

    Haha great post as always! You guys crack me up! :D

  26. I think I may have nightmares now.

    *Scrolling back up to look at pics again*

    Yes, definitely going to have nightmares!

    Rob + kids = FAIL

    • I wanna know who the heck made all those creeper pics of him with babies. They should be locked away forever!! Creepy!

  27. @UC All valid points my friend, but I still think he wouldn’t mind the “practice” ifyouknowwhatimsayin’
    The worst for me will/would be having to see a baby mama, that’s gonna suck. Boo! :(

  28. No.

    No.

    No No No No No Noooooooooo!

    I luv him but so not ready to be a D-A-D-D-Y.

    Kthanx.

  29. HOLA HOLA!!!

    Yeah! 19% hispanic!!!

    By the way, today June 17th is father’s day here in El Salvador so the post is perfect for the day…!!!
    I can’t picture Rob as a dad… and some of those pictures are too creepy!!! Funny, extremely funny but creepy!

    Anyway you guys just make my day in laughter as usual… thank God the madness of yesterday is almost over… BTW… what happen to the hater? did he/she write back? any news of the email/facebook/anything of the attack b**ches? (I have some words I would like to say to them jijijijij)

    FELIZ DÍA DEL PADRE!!!

  30. Well, he’s needs to find the right woman first, then he’ll be a hot daddy. No doubt on that. : D

  31. Okay…

    1. HOLY SHIT that is creepy.

    2. Rob would make BEAUTIFUL babies, but yes, he should never EVER reproduce. Unless it’s with me of course. HA. I would love the practice. And the child support.

    3. Who in the HELL has this much time on their hands? This makes me feel 150% more normal than I did. Yes, it does.

    4. I hope and pray with all of my little heart that Rob cough *and KStew* cough don’t see this. BUT I just had a thought. What if KSTEW made it? HA. She just couldn’t get over her fantasy…BTW I’m definitely a NRB. Kthanks.

    and 5. Great, great post, as usual ladies. <3 you both!!

    • HAHAHA I LOVE IT speculation wednesday: kstew sits around photoshopping pics of babies and her and rob cause it’s her dream. HAHAHAHA that would be awesome! totally how to lose a guy in 10 days style.

  32. you know hes going to go all permanent bachelor george clooney on us and have a pot belly pig as a some weird babby substitute. im actually more than ok with that, mostly because all those pictures just creep me the eff out.

  33. Those pics are totally creepy!!

    I don’t think Rob would make a bad Daddy …but if he’s a Daddy then he’s no longer the single sexay bachelor that I LOVE so much …and that I don’t want to see happen, no way!!

    Wrap it up Robbie, baby!!!

    • LMAO

      Wrap it up Robbie, baby!!!

      • Wrap it when you tap it! :)

      • No glove, No love.

      • Use a skin, then you’re in.

      • can i get in on this?!

        When it comes to sex, one things for certain, without a condom you won’t be squirting

        thank you sue johanson!!

        • OMG!

  34. PU-Leeeze…. No babies AT ALL!!!!

    Robert is still our lovelyl little Man-Boy… the dreamy, mysterious collection of manbits that we’d all love to attract and seduce with our individual and collective feminine wiles…

    BESIDES…. it’s US that would get preggers… NOT HIM…. which means the next thing that happens is that we have Rob channeling Daniel Gale, asking us what a 7-letter word for “raving mad” is?

    BARKING…. the whole idea is BARKING!!

    (Although the thought of “Daniel” feeding me chocolate is rather tempting… LOL!)

    • BADMOTHERS HANDJOB!!!

      and i love daniel

  35. i’m glad were in agreement. now i won’t feel so bad when i leave my children to run away with him.

  36. Rob as a Dad = Wrong! the photo evidence is all I needed. Yikes! Those pictures totally scared me. I need some seriously sexy pictures of the Rob we know and lust after—STAT! (I’m a nurse, I can stay STAT!)

  37. Yeah, um, wow. The pics freak me out, first and foremost.

    But moving on to the whole “Rob as a dad” concept…

    While I DO NOT think Rob should consider impregnating anyone in the next 10 years or so, I DO think it would be a crime against nature for him NOT to pass those super hot genes on to some children. I mean, who is my daughter going to lust after when she is my age if there is no Robbie, Jr.?!? I sure don’t want it to be Efron’s kids or something. *shudders*

  38. Oh good god, it will be his decision whether or not to have kids. As of now, he doesn’t want them. In the future? Who knows.

  39. BEST.POST.EVER.

    Those manips are the worst. I love them because they scare me.

    Girl, you know I agree with you on this topic.

  40. Yeah, in all honesty I can’t really see him as a dad. Ever.

  41. “Your “bonding time” would probably include a game of ‘who can microwave all the produce the fastest”” LMAO! Oh come on, that’s endearing! LOL!

    I have to say I love that photo that goes with “there wouldn’t be room for us on the bed”. It is very adorable! I think my uterus just skipped a beat!

    “Your baby would never be able to nap on a walk- the crazy fangirl stalkers would wake her up with their screams of adoration” Bahahaha!

    I’ve read the “Remember Me” script and his character has a really endearing relationship with his 10 year old sister (who’s father is never around) so I will say I’m excited to see how he does with that. I think it will be “WEEE” (I tend to scream “WEEE” when I think something is cute, yeah, I know….I’m weird).

    • Ooooo, got a script link for me Jena?

      • Send me your email address, I have the file, no link
        so I’d send it as an attachment.
        My work email is jbruner@fnni.com
        but it’s at home so I’d have to send it to you from there
        when I get home and my email at home is
        brunerjl@neb.rr.com

        • K, thanks sista….mailing you now.

        • Would you mind sending it to me as well? I’d really appreciate it. :) Thank you!

          • Did you receive it? check on your spam or something if you didn’t… you too Louise!

            Have fun girls…

      • I got a link for the review http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2009/04/memoirs.html
        and I did downloaded before it was remove… I can email it to you I guess… Im not sure how the legal/illegal thing works here… hehehehehe

        • I’m a spoiler ho, I read scripts all the time
          for actors I love, LOL!
          I just can’t help myself.
          But also it sounds like a
          ton of changes have been made to it, updating,
          so if anyone reads it you have to keep that in
          mind as well.

          • Jejejej Ok… I do the same… I don’t feel so bad anymore! jajajaja

        • Thanks Libby :)

          • I have the file here, write me to macuta@yahoo.com and I will send it to you right now!

            I just realize that I haven’t close this window all morning… hhhhmmmm I haven’t done much work all day… jajajajaja

      • the Unbound Captives Script is in that site too!

  42. What scary photo manips!! Eeek.

    Nope, not ready for Rob to be a daddy. I can’t even picture him with his own puppy.

  43. I do kind of doubt he’ll have kids lol he just doesn’t seem like the type and I don’t see it changing

  44. Some day the condom is gonna break or KStew will forget to take her pill cuz she was partying all night and normally takes it first thing in the morning. And then all those pictures will be fo reals.

    Imjustsayin.

    • @WTM

      IdoIdoknowwhatyoursayin lol

      • thats what plan B is for…..and i totally agree. rob + kids = fail.

    • Nooooooooooooooo!

    • No no no no no If … only IF… if he ever decided to reproduce… never with her! No no no! NOOO… bad images coming to my mind! bad images coming to my mind!! creepier that the pictures in the post!

      • hee hee – I’ve always been known to cross lines (name that song!).

        • Cold Desert, KOL! Yay, fake prize for me!

    • word WTM word.

    • And what beautiful babies they would make (but not for another 10-15 years). :lol

  45. I would love to add something sarcastic, witty or snarky here…but I can’t. I’m still stuck on the fact that there are THIS MANY photoshopped pics of Rob with a child.
    Am I a little bit afraid? Yes, yes I am.
    Wow. Wonders never cease.

    • I agree – I am stunned into silence – or at least, cleverness vacuum – by the sheer number of weird baby photoshopped pics.

  46. Umm…. am I the only one who would DIE if he became a dad? And when I mean, I die… I mean I turn into goo. I don’t know if it’s the ‘motherly instinct’ within me, but father’s are a turn on for me. Ahhhh… especially single dads. Cause I don’t want no man that has a wifey.

    I don’t think Rob would make a horrible Dad. I just think right now isn’t the time to knock up some chick… nor do I want to see his baby-mama anytime soon! Well… unless it’s me. :)

  47. he may not want children and we all may not think he should even be a father …. but babyboy is gonna have to learn how to deal with it when i skip the BC and trap his ass.

    haha…. just kidding… i won’t have to traip him. he’ll be putty in my HANDS.

    • Putty in your hands after you set that hot pocket and cigarette snare trap you were talking about!

      • LMAO at you both!

  48. p.s.
    totally off topic but i’m pretty sure the dudes i work with all think that Rob is my actual boyfriend and that i just keep pics of him constantly loaded on my comp.

    • LOL I’m sure you don’t mind that one little bit. :-)

    • Ha ha. Then your coworkers are sooo jealous of your boyfriend’s mojo. Cuz even men jizz when they see HHH.

      • obviously… i mean… i have noticed that they do tend to slow down ever so slightly as the pass by my desk. coincidence? i think not. It’s the rob dazzle effect. Grown men swoon to it.

        • Or maybe they like the smell of your perfume. Or maybe you’re wearing your shirts too low and showing too much boobage and they slow down for the view.

          Nah – even men swoon. Even my hubs is doing the whole “what does he have that I don’t have?” thing. And practicing his best eff me eyes look. He just looks like a wounded cow, though.

          • And even @johncmayer wants to know how much he looks like Rob on a scale of 8-10! I think it’s cute, even he’s insecure about HHH :)

        • Calli….. you are toooo modest…… they slow down to gaze at YOU and hopefully get you to talk to them…..after all we at LTR know how great you are surely your co-workers feel the same? <3

  49. also…. if ROB WAS A DAD…. i’m pretty sure he’d end up dropping the kid a bazillion times when he went to do something with his hands forgot that… oh crap… that little bundle of joy was supposed to be grasped in that hand. woopsie.

    and now i’ve having mental images of rob loosing a kid in a grocery store… and running to the hotpockets becuase that’s where he’d go first if he was a kid…

    although… i do think he’d probably write a really cute song about being a dad… and his kids would wear cute little chucks and hoodies… and let’s be honest he’d probably smoke too. kid’d be a chimney… at 5.

  50. I say let him get to about 30-35, then I think he’ll be more settled and mature enough to start a family. I know at 23 there was NO WAY I would’ve been ready for a kid. And I worked with them every day – and that, my friends, is the best birth control EV-AH!

    Who ever thought Johnny Depp would make a good dad? But there he is, playing Barbie’s with his daughter trying out voices for Pirates of the Carribean!

    I think Jackson and Kellan will make absolutely AMAZING fathers!! Jackson specifically can be mah baby daddy. :)

    • Honestly, not all people change their minds as they get older you know.

    • I always thought Johnny would make a good dad.

      • You know what? Me too!

        BTW, Johnny Depp used to be my obsession. Looooong time ago. So many memories… LOL
        (You must know that I still care about you, Johnny *sigh*)


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