Posted by: UC | June 8, 2009

What if Rob wasn’t famous? Nacho-Man edition

Just call me Robert "Bahama" Pattinson

Just call me Robert "Bahama" Pattinson

Dear Rob,

A few weeks ago I started thinking about what you would be like if you weren’t famous. I figured you’d just be a dude, living in his parent’s basement, chillin’ with his boys and and whistling at honeys, livin’ for the weekend. If you forget what I envisioned your life to be like, you can check out your Myspace page. I thought I had figured out the only kind of Rob I would never like- white gangsta Rob- but it turns out the thought of you as Hawaiian-Shirt Rob isn’t too appealing either.

When this picture came out of you in Italy, I immediately wrote The Quad and asked if they thought you were sporting Tommy-Bahama’s finest. I was worried, no, SCARED that you didn’t know that wearing this was WAY uncool. Turns out my fears were nullified, but it did get me thinking about a career path you might take if you weren’t famous.

You say “Aloha” to the ‘rents and board a plane to work as a bartender at a Caribbean resort.

Not one of those nice resorts either, but one of those $399 all-inclusive, 5 day spring break excursion places that promises never-ending, watered-down, fruity drinks, late night sweaty dancing with Jose, the “local” guy the resort hired to teach all the girls how to salsa (but who is really from Tampa, Florida and just learned how to do a thick Cuban accent from his Uncle Sergio when he was 11) and many options to catch a variety of STDs (for the willing.)

Unfortunately, all the bar-tending jobs were taken by the guys with big muscles (even as a famous guy your 6-pack is air-brushed on, so you’re sure to be packin’ a spare tire as a non-famous guy), but you’re able to find a gig as the ‘nacho-man’ who waits on the resort guests as they lounge by the pool, serving them the resort specialty “Caribbean Nachos” (which are tortilla chips drowned in processed, cheddar cheese from a machine) Of course one of the downsides of this wonderful position is that every time you walk by with a tray full of Caribbean Nachos, all the drunk frat guys sing, “Nacho, Nacho Man. I wanna be a Nacho Man” at the top of their lungs. But the drunk frat guys are easy to ignore when you’re able to see 18-22 year old girls in skimpy bikinis all day long.

(sometimes... I can't believe I run a blog... where I photoshop Rob into a Hawaiian shirt...)

(sometimes... I can't believe I run a blog... where I photoshop Rob into a Hawaiian shirt...)

Never mind that they don’t pay attention to you in your Hawaiian shirt with your spare tire occasionally protruding below the hem, you’ve learned some invaluable information about women. #1, they all pretend to be disgusted by the Caribbean Nachos but when their drunk frat boyfriend isn’t looking, they eat the entire plate themselves. #2, they all read the same book series around the pool- it has a black cover with an apple and is apparently about vampires. #3, their favorite book series was recently turned into a movie, and they all love the guy who plays the main vampire. You’ve seen him on the front of every magazine sitting on every lounge chair and don’t think he looks that special. In fact, you’re pretty sure you’d look at least half that good if you stopped eating the Caribbean Nachos for every meal, shaved, washed your hair and worked out for a few months. #4, they’re all extremely jealous of the girl who plays opposite the main vampire, with half wishing they would date in real life and the other half wanting to die at the thought of it. While you agree that she’s extremely attractive, you do think she could smile a little more. In fact, you’ve joked with your resort buddy, Jose (yes, the same fake “local” Cuban who dances the salsa late at night), saying,  ‘All that hot sour-puss needs is a plate of Caribbean Nachos from the Nacho Man himself (that’s what she said).”

So, I know sometimes it sucks to be famous and you probably wish, quite often, that you weren’t, but I’m really glad you are. Cuz imagining you as Hawaiian Shirt Rob, with an ever-expanding middle section from the Caribbean Nachos you’ve come to love as the “Nacho Man” at the resort, just really doesn’t do it for me. Neither does imagining you as “Bahama-Breeze Hawaiian Shirt- Rob,” which I did the other night when I celebrated my birthday with friends at Bahama-Breeze. While I would have loved to have you bring me my coconut shrimp instead of the Hawaiian shirt wearing waiter we had (who, coincidentally, I am 99% sure was actually a Cuban named Jose), I’d rather you not quit your day job.

Mmm, processed cheese,
UnintendendChoice

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Responses

  1. ‘All that hot sour-puss needs is a plate of Caribbean Nachos from the Nacho Man himself (that’s what she said).”

    Too much. Too funny. Too much funny.

    They probably have this *very* meal from Room Service at the Charlie… it’s a hotel that seems to cater for all guest needs, like random ‘if I wasn’t famous I’d be a Nacho Man’ fantasies.

  2. Haha-Rob as anything other than the most adorable vampire on the planet is near impossible-great imagination! And I am so glad it’s not how things really are!!
    I LOVE your site-it’s my favourite (no spelling mistake-I’m Australian!) and the first I check when I log on. Keep up the great work-if you can call it that!
    K.

    • i’m so glad we’re your favourite (which is my favorite way to spell ‘favorite) :)

  3. “Bitches don’t know about my sparklepeen” mwahahaha! I…can’t…stop…laughing! My imagination is so lacking – the most I’ve pictured of a RL Rob was trying to figure out how hot he would look mowing the lawn. ah, I mean the real lawn with a gas powered mower and all. Not what I just pictured in my mind as I wrote this. I’m a baaaaad girl.

    • Rob mowing the lawn! That’s what she said. If i had to guess what RL Rob would be, I’d say…… weed dealer. Then he would spy Kristen on a beach in pot bikini and they would begin their platonic, non bumpin uglies relationship. He would be her fave, cause he’s the weed guy, and he would secretly wish he had auditioned for that play in high school, who knows? He might be the guy in the movie with her instead of having to settle for late night jam session pot delivery with KStew and 100 monkeys. To see the newest edition of 5 reasons ( Kstew may make an appearance) check out my blog http://aquiredtaste.wordpress.com/

  4. Geez, I didn’t think the shirt was all that bad-except for that big crest or logo on the pocket. Maybe it was a freebie from the hotel or something?

    mmm, Caribbean Nachos…I’d eat them, as long as Rob’s serving them.

  5. “(sometimes… I can’t believe I run a blog…where I photoshop Rob into a Hawaiian shirt…)”
    Sometimes I can’t believe I live my life waiting for you to update the blog where you photoshop Rob into a Hawaiian shirt……..
    So U.C. never doubt your calling… Moon and you were ordained by a higher power for the benefit of womenkind {+ the occasional unicorn} <3 as always

    • Truth. And this scares the hell out of me. Good times!

    • haha.. good.. i’m glad i’m not the only one with an unbelievable life!

    • Double true!

  6. That shirt is actually from Bali.
    I think it’s a freebie from hotel/resort :)

    Dear Rob,
    No matter how annoying paps /stalker/fans are , please don’t quit your day job.
    Can’t imagine what the world would be if you didn’t get cast as Edward. Thanks to Catherine ( part of me think she wanted to do you back then and still is ) and Sourpuss Kristen for choosing you.

    Love,
    me

  7. You never fail to amaze me with the stuff you come up with to write here. It is a calling you both have I guess, a gift from God.
    The only problem is that Rob would be chilling in his parents attic because the English do not have basements like us. Maybe a dungeon or a wine cellar…..that’s a whole other post though

    • i figured there weren’t basements in England.. that seems to be an east coast US specialty. one of these days I’ll get all those british details right! Maybe I’ll do a post on Rob as British royalty!

      • HRH – His Royal Hotness

  8. Can you do Nascar-race-watching-hillybilly Rob next? Since I grew up in Hawaii but now live in the south, I will be able to come full circle.

    Silly Rob, dontcha know that you only show your Aloha spirit on Aloha Fridays?

  9. Thanks. Now I want Nachos.

    @WTM I would love to see Rob in a wife beater with a trucker hat, Budweiser in hand and cut off blue jeans hollaring for JUNIOR!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

    • okay so we DO have that pic of rob in a trucker hat.. i’ll think on this one for a bit… this could be good :)

      • Can you photoshop it with the wife beater shirt pic? And add a missing tooth? And a shiner? And a mullet?

        • Stop! Just imagining that hurts my eyes! I need to cleanse. Where’s my RobQ?

        • And add a ‘hot’ woman in a rebel flag bikini…that’s the kind of girl redneck Rob would have…only the best!

  10. I seriously wonder at the brain-storming process that gets you to these hilarious posts! Obviously, it’s highly refined and extremely time instensive. Regardless of how long it takes and how much steam comes out of your ears in the process, the end result is always mucho enjoyable!

    • sometimes i text moon & say “i have no idea what i’m gonna write” then suddenly i’m writing a club-med-like scenerio featuring rob. other times it’s planned. this was not:)

  11. amazing post! haha
    if we’re on the topic of different themes, you should post him as a canadian…! we’ve at least got something in common, brits and canadians can drink! :P

    tho hick rob would be HILARIOUSSSS

  12. Mmmmmm…processed cheese, indeed. My fave kind is in a can. You know…easy cheese in a can on some Triscuit?

    With Rob, of course.

    p.s. And WTM is a genius. Yes, I want a letter to Nascar Rob. Because that’s necessary.

    • i love easy cheese too.. i knew we were friends for a reason. champy & easy cheese in nov, k?

  13. Now I just want some Cuban bread and coconut shrimp(and jerk chicken pasta if I can stuff it in my face) from Bahama Breeze. Why didn’t I get to go? *sadface*

    And Nacho Man is so going to be code in my vocab for hottie. As in “he’s such a NACHO MAN…I mean look at him!!!”

  14. And now I cannot eat nachos without thinking of Rob. Add nachos to the other things on my list: bananas, banana nut muffins, human blood (cuz I drink a sippie cup of Type O every day just to be like Bella in BD), hot pockets, burgers, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, microwaveable carrots, and gold colored popcorn (y’know like the MTV award).

    Thank god I have celiac disease and can’t eat half these things anyway. Or I’d be having Robgasms every time I ate.

    • I think THAT is a whole post waiting to happen. ‘Stuff in your day that makes you think of Rob/Twilight…. Apples, In and Out Burger, Heineken…

  15. There is a guy that works at the Starbucks down the street who is a nice kid but doesn’t seem to have much direction at this point in his life. He rides a bike to work, lives in a dumpy apartment in an overpriced area of town with several roommates and always seems a bit disheveled. I’ve often thought that he could very well be a “Rob” or if Rob hadn’t been in the right place at the right time, Rob could very well be the kid at Starbucks. I’m thinking I’ll just be extra nice to him when ordering my latte…just in case.

    • I have a similar guy at my morning bus stop. One time I saw him carrying a guitar, even. I had the same thought. Though if I all the sudden started being nice to him, it would be creepy and weird because I am about 20 years older than him, and he is not making my coffee.

      (is it wrong that I sort of like hawaiian shirt Rob? I want to sit on a lanai and drink a mai tai with him.)

  16. Hahahaha….Tampa

  17. What an interesting idea! If Rob hadn’t gotten the TL gig… just what would he be doing? Modeling still? Getting the odd eccentric british indie roles? A featured player in the next BBC/PBS literary series?

    Thank goodness none of that happened.

    Here’s another good AU option: Farmer Rob…

    low rise jeans, wife beater, cowboy boots, and a John Deere… because
    we think his “tractor’s sexy…. it really turns us on!”
    Yeeeeehawwww!

  18. Without a doubt, NASCAR Rob is brilliant. It’ll be a must see, in a strange “must avert my eyes” way.

    But, with his Italy six pack, I could also see Rob as the hot scuba instruction at the resort. You know, he’d be all tan and ripped, wearing his shell and hemp choker necklace and super looowww cut swim trunks. Hawt!

    My mind is going to a million (wrong) places today. Must get on track!

  19. Ummm nachos!!!! :) Thank god he got the gig cuz then we’d probably be deprived of all his hotness!!!

  20. @UC-
    why has this not been discussed???
    http://robertpattinsonunlimited.com/gallery/displayimage.php?pos=-34840

    perfect angle…
    besties look like they are holding hands…

    • Does TomStu have on a silver rope chain? Seriously?

      And what is with his shoes? They have rainbow bottoms…is this a sign?

      Did I just commit blasphemy?

      • ROTFL

    • No way…just Mates…Englishness Perfection!

  21. OH MY GOD!!!! I just made a MAJOR realisation! Kristen is sour-puss and never smiles, therefore she can not have sexed it up with Rob! Because…let’s face it… we all know that you would NOT be sour-puss after doing the nasty with Mr. Pattinson….oh…and Rob (me trying to do a “that’s what she said” – Didn’t really work).

  22. This post was full of win! Maybe because I am really hungry.
    Anywhoodle after I got through drooling over processed cheese and salty chips I choked on my sprite zero at the words “hot sour-puss”…thats all.

    lmao! I heart your face UC, especially since you saved all of our asses on Sunday night by posting a sunday thread 4 hours before the day was over! LOL…what a team we are! :) LMAO!

  23. Nacho Man shirt…THAT’S * JUST*SO*WRONG

  24. Oh Roooob—

    This COULD have been your life! Be thankful to the gods that you were plucked from near obscurity~~~and the dreaded fate of being the Nacho, Nacho Man~~~and delivered to the top of the Celebrity A List so you can be followed by the paps day and night to provide all of us with our needed fix of that beautiful mug of yours! Now aren’t you glad you went to that audition? It’s a fine line….

    Laughed so hard and yet—what if?

  25. Nacho Man or Caribbean CUTIE…No matter…Yumminess is reality! LOL

  26. and now im hungry for some nachos after reading that post….

    i cant imagine a world without rob in it now…thank you C. hardwicke,she might have eff’ed the first movie but at least she got us robert.

    • Touche, Sherin, Touche.

  27. Dear Rob,

    uhhhhhh…. crap. i’m pretty sure if you had been my nacho guy on spring break three years ago i would have done you. you know why? becuase you totally are the nacho guy who, after his shift ends, headed out onto the beach and strummed his guitar with a beer and some buddies. And i’m totally that spring break girl who wanders onto the beach tipsy only to find the nacho boy strumming on his guitar. obviously i swoon.

    what girl doesn’t love a tanned man, with a half buttoned shirt and hair breezing in the wind strumming a little bob marley on his guitar and languidly wasting the evening away when all she’s had are mojitos for lunch and cocolocos for dinner? That’s what i thought.

    And when you call out to me “hey, pretty lady, be careful down by the waves” i’d totally take that as your inviting me over to listen to you play.

    And when you gloss some nice ass pickup line about the moonlight reflecting off my skin, well, i’d totally forget the notion that you’ve said this thousands of times and choose to believe that you are just a romantic soul escaping in paradise finding his long lost love in me.

    and when i eventually wake up on a beach with sand in my eyes and a nasty ass hangover on the beach i’d quickly chop it up to a romantic moment lost in the islands… and not the dirty, drunk hookup with the nacho boy that it truly was. sigh.

    keep the boat a rockin’,
    Calli

    P.S.
    i’ve also just imagined you as the hot snorkeling instructor, the witty activities director and the knowledgeable tour guide who brings us to all the local “hotspots” … and justified ways in which sleeping with you as all of those different personas would be totally acceptable. Bring on CLUB MED!

    • oh i heart you. and you’ve been there done that huh? :)

    • Sand in the EYES? How about sand in the ass crack? Been there, done that.

      I think you just described most of my Saturday nights in Waikiki.

  28. also asking me to resist club med rob is like asking Jordan to resist Flannigan in “Cocktail” or asking Baby to resist Johnny in “Dirty Dancing” or asking my single aunt not to hit on the tour bus driver on vacation… simply impossible. sometimes a girl just can’t resist the resort staff. sigh.

  29. We should get that aloha shirt off him. He looks uncomfortable in it.

  30. Any LOTN lurking?

  31. Hiya Hi, EP! Just finishing up a fanfic!

    • Hey! Take your time.

      • It’s done now. How did your class go today?

        • We’re doing a special project because we’re grad students and two people didn’t show up, so it effectively froze our work.

          And I just found out I have to be in San Antonio Wednesday to do stuff for my visa, so I’m missing class. And we present our first part Thursday, I’m pulling my hair out.

          How was your day?

          • Oh WOW! That doesn’t sound good.Can you all work together over the next two days?

            Things are good here.

          • Tuesday needs to be REALLY productive. Or they will have to do with out me (shocking someone would be able to do that) Wednesday.

          • Yeah. That’ll be an intense day. You ARE indespensible!

          • I’m incredibly important.

          • Sure thing!

  32. Did you get the rest of your garden in?

    • Yes I DID!!! It’s never been this late but I am just plain relieved. There’s always other stuff to do but that was major.

      • Yay! I’m so glad you did, you’ve been at it for weeks.

        • Far too long. It helped to listen to the 3 guys sing in my ear the whole time though!

          • That helps. “Too Far Gone” is up to 66 on my ipod play count. I have a weird addiction.

          • I was thinking about that today and realized I hadn’t transferred that song so I went back looking for it. Just missed it. I had been listening on his MySpace to it a lot. Love his version. He really has developed his songs really well. It’s obvious that they are all ready for the next step in their careers.

          • Agreed.

  33. Hey, I’m here too.

    I can’t believe UC mentioned nachos. And processed cheese. It’s like she knows my weakness. Plus, adding Rob to the mix?

    • Hey hey J! She does come up with some amazing combinations.

      • She’s clearly thought of this before.

        • Clearly.

  34. EyeC, I finished The Red Line today. At work. Needless to say I was a bit teary eyed. And a bit annoyed.

    Though I’m glad for a sequel, which was part of my annoyance to begin with.

    • ?

      • ? What?

        • Why are you annoyed? Charlie? Who knows when she will get the sequel started but I’m ready for it.

          • Oh, yeah. The whole Charlie thing was annoying, but I’m glad he came through in the end. Sad though.

            And I was annoyed at the way it ended. I was hoping for a bit more of an explanation sort of thing. I don’t want to say too much because of FN (in case she accidentally reads this), but I wish the end had been extended a bit. That’s why I’m thankful for a sequel, when she gets around to it.

            ****FN, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, STOP RIGHT NOW****

            I also thought the US marshals were annoying. They would never act like that. For a while I thought they were evil, maybe working for Victoria’s family for something. Their snide comments were weird.

          • All valid points. We definitely need the sequel. Hadn’t thought of that last point. I guess the whole rush of it was due to Florida.

            For the sequel I see a situation that could reunite Charlie—can you guess it?

          • No! I can’t! Tell me?!

            I hope for a Charlie reunion too. And a Katherine and Joseph reunion would be nice, too.

            I hope she picks up right where she left off. I’d love to see Edward introduce Bella and Katie.

            Wasn’t the story about Katie and Edward’s marriage just the sweetest thing you ever heard?! What a cute little girl depiction.

          • I thought that Victoria’s people would show up in Forks and Charlie’s life would be in danger so he joined up and a reunion ensues.

            Yes it would be so great to see K & J reunited with Edward. Bella would love that too. I wonder how they could pull it off? Maybe just waiting a while. It does seem like a lot to give up. I wonder if they ever get to take vacations in that type of a program?
            That would be good. It seems important to see that intitial meeting.

            That wedding was so sweet. He’s such a good dad. There will also be hope for future babies.

          • Good idea on the Charlie front. That’d be a nice touch.

            And I agree about the babies. That’d be nice. This Edward is such a good Dad. I really liked the way he was in the end.

  35. Random thoughts:

    I was really bored at work today, so I listened to all of Bobby’s songs on my ipod and wrote out the lyrics. Conclusion: sometimes I have no idea what the eff he’s saying. But this is true of pretty much any song I listen to.

    TomStu is not attractive. He just isn’t. And what is with his ugly runners? He can’t even take fashion tips from Rob, because nothing will redeem him.

    I so badly want nachos.

    I shouldn’t have taken a nap today. I almost made it without one!

    • He is hard to understand sometimes, but like you I doubt I understand all the lyrics in a lot of songs.

      As I’ve mentioned TomStu reminds me of my BFF’s boyfriend which taints him in my mind.

      And now, so do I.

      I didn’t take one today, I didn’t get much done though.

      • Maybe I should send you the lyrics, and you can tell me which ones you agree on and what you think the right words are. Of course, you can do that when you literally have nothing else to do. Or when you have lots to do, and are trying to avoid it.

        Yeah. Bleh to TomStu.

        Nacho cheese is some of my favorite type of cheese. I haven’t had any in a long time though. So fatty.

        Tomorrow I’m determined to not take one! But I didn’t sleep well last night, so I got like an hour and a half of sleep. So I think it was semi-justified.

        • You can if you’d like. You know me too well on the avoidance.

          Bleh

          I live in Texas, I eat Nachos in all capacities a lot.

          You needed that nap, but do try to sleep tonight.

    • I listened through all of the songs today for the second day in a row and decided I need to not do anything else while I’m listening! They are over and I go, “What was that one about?” Sometimes I get the words but not the meaning. And Bobby’s song lyrics aren’t available. They are all still beautiful for the way they sound though. Love Bobby’s pronunciation and inflection. I also just found the real words for Broken and they have some differences from earlier ones I printed out. This can change the whole meaning of a song.

      • Yeah, I love his inflection and pronunciation too. And his lyrics are unique, very poetic. And like a lot of poems, sometimes hard to understand the meaning. But I like trying to interpret it my own way, even if it’s not what he intended it to be.

        Broken? Which, the one sang by Rob?

        • Yes the one Rob sings. I Am Broken.

  36. Random Thoughts:

    I’m not sure why I capitalized “nachos” in my response to Jenny. Like it’s proper or something.

    I am so sore. Children are heavy and they kept wanting me to swing them around. My arms hurt so bad.

    They better have my transcript ready tomorrow at school or I am going to have a hissy fit to end all hissy fits.

    • Because Nachos are just THAT important. I’m jealous you get to eat them so much. I absolutely adored the nachos in Texas. It’s pretty much the main reason I’d go back. Food is involved… who would have guessed?

      I’m sore too, but not from swinging children. Good workout, BFF! Did you swim today as well?

      I think it would be well deserved. Also, please video tape that.

      • You know what else is in Texas besides awesome food in large portions? Your best friend in the whole freaking world. Just sayin.

        Church is awesome cardio and weight lifting. I did swim today, I’m bummed I won’t get to tomorrow with all the school.

        It would be well deserved, though I’m not sure I’d want proof it happened.

        • True. Awesome food + BFF = bliss. Clearly Texas is the place to be.

          I wish I had a pool at my house, I’d swim all the time. I’m too lazy to go to the gym. Although, that seems sort of ironic….

          Hissy fits are best recorded. True story.

          • Clearly.

            Luckily, I just drive over to my Grandma’s which is about a 1 minute drive.

            This one might be best left unrecorded.

  37. Okay, time for me to attempt sleep. Sweet dreams EyeC and ErPattz!

    • Good Night Jenny. You need a full night’s sleep! See you tomorrow.

  38. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to cut it short tonight too. I have a lot of day tomorrow, including a potentially horrible hissy fit. Night and sweet dreams.

    • I know you do. Have a good night and get prepared! Later EP.

  39. ROTFLMAO. Love your creativity UC.

    NACHO MAN! ROTFLMAO.

  40. So funny! When I met Rob in Austin last fall….he was wearing the blue shirt in the first pic. Ha!! Still the best day EVAH!

  41. [...] is SO germ-y!) – Carton of Virginia Slims? (hey, it’s a long weekend) – Fifth of Grey Goose? – Hawaiian shirt for the big party at the Country Club? – Gift card to Chicos? (never know when you’ll need [...]

  42. [...] lived with Claire & Dick, and I took a guess as to what your life might be like as the “Nacho-Man” at a tropical resort, but what if you surprised us all, and instead of being the star of a [...]

  43. [...] bib). If you want to work at some-sort of theme restaurant, you already know the words to “Nacho-Nacho Man” so you can sing it while serving the [...]

  44. [...] how they go about breaking things down… if they really think i’d have a shot at being a cabana boy… what all this talk is about my affinity for Dad-like items… What other articles of [...]

  45. [...] -we’re still glad you’re famous because you don’t look the greatest in the uniform for Bahama Breeze [...]

  46. [...] be a good NachoMan (<—Click that) and bring me a plate of chips smothered in cheese and another [...]


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