Posted by: themoonisdown | May 29, 2009

My advice to Robert Pattinson on how to avoid STD’s at the MTV Movie Awards

mtvawardsstephaniefrankie

Oh Em Gee people I'm sitting next to a cardboard cutout of that vampire dude!

Dear Rob-

You might want to insist that your seat at the MTV Movie Awards be sanitized for your protection before you sit it in. This pic reminded me that you’re going to be at the awards show this weekend among twats like these dbags Stephanie Pratt and Frankie Delgado. And you don’t want your nether regions anywhere near a seat that Spencer Pratt’s sister and Brody Jenner’s friend were in the vicinity of. Trust me, I live in Los Angeles, I know these things.

So seeing as the awards show is this weekend it got me to thinking you’re gonna be rubbing elbows with all the dimmest stars in the MTV galaxy and I wanted to give you a heads up on who you should stay FAR FAR away from and who won’t get you an emergency trip to the VD clinic the next day…

Feel free to print this out and fold it up in your coat pocket for easy reference.

Avoid Like the Plague List:
01 Heidi, Spencer, Lauren, Stephanie… actually just avoid ANY person who’s ever been on The Hills
02. Leighton Meister – we all love Gossip Girl but I’ve heard she has an album coming out and you don’t want to be anywhere near that inevitable trainwreck
03. Abigail Breslin – she’s like 10
04. Any of the hasbeens from the Real World/Road Rules/Duel/Gauntlet whatever it’s called this week – those whackadoos could drink you under the table in nothing flat and then drag you into a confessional and have their way with you!
05. Megan Fox – no need to explain. She already dissed you just let her be a crazy slut with David Silver

Hide from the cast of The Hills with these people:
01. Bruno (aka Sasha Baron Cohen) – maybe you’ll get in the movie when he secretly tapes your conversation about your mutual love for mesh tank tops
02. Chris Pine – you KNOW my thing for the Pine-sol, hook a girl up for those lonely nights when you’re away
03. Danny McBride – have you SEEN Eastbound and Down or Pineapple Express? Seriously you’ll laugh ALL night
04. The Harry Potter Crew – relive the old days, crack jokes about how you’re WAY bigger than Daniel Radcliff and you didn’t even have to get naked in a play!
05. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog – you KNOW he’s got some zingers about the Twihards
06. Keifer Sutherland – meeting him will either result in punching someone in the face or jumping into a Christmas tree. Either way, WIN WIN!

If you stick to this list you should be golden but if you simply can’t stand it a second longer give me a call and I’ll come rescue you and we can squeee on the couch together over the promised clip AND trailer from New Moon. Ok, well I’ll squeeee and you’ll raid my fridge for leftover beers. Again, WIN WIN!

Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten! YEA!
Themoonisdown

PS We here at Letters to Rob and Letters to Twilight will be doing something extra special this Sunday for the MTV Movie awards so stick close and we’ll bring you more information about our plans!! Make sure you’re following our Twitter and staying connected in the Forum for all the details!

Don’t forget to read the crazy things UC has done for Twilight over at LTT!

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Responses

  1. [...] Concerned about the hos and dbags that will be surrounding our precious Rob on Sunday at the MTV Movie awards? Check out what Moon has to say at LTR [...]

  2. And avoid like the plague a certain Hilton… now she’s seen photos of you shirtless she can no longer deny that she doesn’t know who you are, and the man eater will be making moves that are guaranteed to be non-discreet… let’s face it, if you’re gonna end up in a video, I’d really prefer it’s not with *her*.

  3. Did you quote Natasha in this one? You did. Big cheesy poofs of kudos to you, my dear.

    I’d like to add to this list:
    Dear Rob,
    Please stay away from Pamela Anderson, should she show up and leave everyone stymied as to why her D-list status finds it necessary to grace a C-list awards show. Because I saw you and that Russian chick…and we need NO pictures of you staring at Pam’s rack. Nor do we need Tommy Lee to bust your ass.
    Love,
    Me

    p.s. Praying for a Rob/Pine-Sol photo op. Oh dear heavens, that would be MONEY right there.

    • Hilarious!

    • i would die a happy women if a rob/pinesol pic was taken. holy lordy

  4. I do not know any of those people!!!

    Cannot wait — hope they win EVERYTHING!

    Well, everything they are nominated for. Obvs! :)

    • you are lucky!

  5. “Ok, well I’ll squeeee and you’ll raid my fridge for leftover beers.” Love it. BROUHAHAHAHA!

    Rob/Pine-Sol pic. Talk about your win-win.

    • PAnge!

      You brought the BROUHAHAAAAAAA to LTR!! I WUV U!!! Hahahahahaha :-D

      Moonie-Pie,

      A brilliant post, as usual. Srsly *shudder*. Get that twinkie Stephanie OUTTA ROB’S CHAIR!! WTF?!

      I can’t wait for Sunday!!! *does a happy dance of joy* :-D

  6. Is it sad that I didn’t even know there was such a thing as an emergency VD clinic?

    (Still, I don’t think I’d turn you down Rob even if you slipped up with one of these ppl – call me.)

    @Moon…LOVING the lists over the last few days! xo

    • I think it is a GOOD thing you didn’t know there was such a thing as an emergency VD clinic.

      That is one place I will blissfully stay away from!

      • @sassysmart: Was it you that quoted ‘Seven Brides for Seven Brothers’ yesrterday? If so, marry me now! :) Love it!

        • Ya, I can spell! ‘Yesterday.’ K, feel better now.

        • Yes, that was me. I sing the Goin Courtin song all the freaking time and people look at me like I’m crazy…I also quote and sing “Showboat”. I’ve always had a thing for Howard Keel…he was totally a man’s man.

    • seriously, im a list maker! hahaha if you couldnt tell!

  7. K, I’m not feeling the Chris Pine vibe. What can I say, he appears to be short with bad skin???? But srsly listen, should anyone care to switch teams, I’m down with more shirtless Rob time…justsayin…don’t hate ppl. :)

  8. Oh Em Gee I’m lovin your lists.

    ROB

    LISTEN TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS.

    And not only should you chill with Bruno if you get the chance, you should SEEK HIM OUT. That would be some funny ish – GET IT ON TAPE.

    …and while you’re out, sweety, could you pick up some more whipped cream…we kind of ran out. *wink*wink*

    Out like Trout,
    dawnzilla

  9. “06. Keifer Sutherland – meeting him will either result in punching someone in the face or jumping into a Christmas tree. Either way, WIN WIN!”

    ROTFLMAO!

    Happy Birthday to JBell!!! XO

    • now THATS what i call a partay!

  10. I’m so nervous for him. Is that weird?

    So, wait. They will be showing a clip AND the first trailer? I thought it was just the trailer now? I will lose my shit (again) if they are showing both.

    In related news, how upset are you all that you have to sit through this show to see New Moon goodies? Don’t get me wrong! I will sit and watch, but it’s going to hurt!

    • Just like sitting through the Oscars so you could get a glimpse of him behind Mickey Rooney or Rourke, whoever the dude was that played in The Wrestler. And then the whole 30 seconds he was on stage announcing.

      Or even sitting through the Ryan Seacrest & Rinna chick Red Carpet just to see him in all his D&G glory…commando and all. *WHOOOWAAHHHHH

      Who thinks he’ll be wearing either a grey t-shirt/black jeans or a plaid shirt/black jeans to the MTV’s?

      UC/Moon – We need a voting pole!!

    • Not Weird, very NORMAL

    • i felt the SAME way about the oscars i was SOOO worried!

  11. Once again, brilliant posts today! :)

    Just wondering though, why are Rob and Kristen sitting near each other, but Taylor is like 3 rows back? Weird…

    • *cough*heain’tnorobpattinson*cough*

  12. You guys forgot Paris Hilton lol

    • but we heart YOU!

      • Why thank you. But ummm real Paris should be on that list *wink*

    • girl you werent on the mtv official list!! OHHH BURRRNNN!! my how the mighty have fallen.

      we still think you’re hot though!

  13. LMAO love the Keifer Sutherland reference.

    Dear Rob,
    Definitely hang out with Kiefer, I’m sure he’d be a blast.
    Love
    JAG

  14. Seriously, if I see any pics of Rob with any of the hos from “The Hills,” I’m going to punch a baby in the face. Cause you all just know that one of those tranny skanks will be like “Oooh, he’s really hot right now, and if I get a picture with him (most likely sitting on his lap) I will be on the cover of US weekly!!” Watch out the Von Pratt Family Singers, get close to him, and babies will be punched.

  15. Dear God he NEEDS to stay away from Paris Hilton. Those shows let ANYBODY in. Watch out Rob.

    As Eric so wisely said in Twilight: “Don’t worry, I got your back”.

    Hey that’s better than “Look Bella it’s a worm. A worm!”.

  16. You had me snorting my coffee at David Silver…

    • I know right? I loved the old school 90210 reference. But you are 20-something UC.. Weren’t you in diapers when David Silver was on tv? He he he.

      • I wondered that, too. I was babysitting kids in diapers when David Silver was on 90210!!

      • it was ME MOON writing this and i am in my 20s but i know vintage 90210!! HELLO! thats like biblical

  17. Don’t forget there’s a red carpet special BEFORE the MTV Awards on Sunday. MTV is advertising the show starting at 9pm eastern but the red carpet show starts at 8:30pm. So don’t forget, I’m sure he’ll be on that as well! And sometimes there’s a post show afterward. So if you’re not going to be home set your DVR/recorders to go longer (that’s what she said).

  18. Lol Pine-sol!!! Wow if there was a pic of RPattz and CPine together…

  19. Here’s photos of Catherine Hardwicke’s house & rooms where auditions for Twilight took place if anyone is interested:

    http://www.mtv.com/photos/inside-catherine-hardwickes-twilight-den-with-tim-kash/1612365/3940536/photo.jhtml

  20. Dear Stephanie Pratt,

    Srsly. You and your Lauren Conrad fired ass need to stay the f*ck away from my man. That’s all.

    Lovingly,
    Janetrigs

    PS I wonder if Vedders and I could drink the MTV Reality show losers under the table?
    Hmmm. I’d say no, because we’d both pretend we passed out, then leave and go drink with other way more NORMAL/CRAZY people & drunktweet

    • Um YES YOU COULD….because you DRINK LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY JBELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

    • Yay! Happy birthday JBell! May you live long and prosper (oh wait, wrong movie – well, you know…)

  22. “Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten! YEA!”

    so freakin subtle and i love it.

    Dear Rob,
    My best piece of advice for you come sunday? get your own drinks. Understand what i’m saying? Do you?!?! THIS IS IMPORTANT, so stop staring at Stewie’s ass for 5 minutes and heed the words i am saying. If Effron brings you a drink. POLITELY REFUSE. if Stefanie Pratt offers you a drink. POLITELY REFUSE. if Megan Fox offers you a drink, POLITELY REFUSE. if James Franco offers you a drink. POLITELY REFUSE. if Andy Sandberg offers you a drink POLITELY REFUSE. if the steady cam guy offers you a drink POLITELY REFUSE. and by GOD, if some over blond, over tanned, suspiciously unknown chick ala Erica Dutra offers you a drink, THROW IT IN HER GOD DAMNED FACE! I don’t care if it’s the most refined and expensive whiskey known to man. REFUSE. DENY, DENY, DENY (you should be used to, and well trained in, this general principle already. wink.)

    i know you are thinking… “jeez calli, why so harsh today? Can’t i drink? why do i need to be sober. sober isn’t fun? especially at MTVMA” But it’s because i know what they are doing. I know. Those drinks…. those drinks are 100% ruffied. Trust me. and not just like oh-i’m-a-frat-boy ruffied, they are i-own-a-doctor-for-scripts ruffied. Serious. Shit. how do i know?! because that’s what i would do to you. all have different motivations… some want you in their bed nekkid (for shame effron), some hate that you are rivaling their careers, some just want to make a quick buck after getting you in a compromising position (think pants down in the alley… and not in the fun way you and i talked about, wink), & most just want a piece of your fine ass (but they’ll leave you a not so fine parting gift… like MOON explained).

    Feel free to drink loverboy, just stick close to stewie and even taytay. and kellan if he’s stopped playing summit’s game. I’M SERIOUS. this is important. Forget fretting about how you are going to kiss Kristen on stage without looking like an ass, it won’t matter on Monday if your bum ends up on page 6 for all to honor.

    jet lag won’t be a good enough excuse,
    Calli

    P.S. the only way you are allowed to take those drinks is if Oregano shows up. take the drinks. pass them to him. walk away. end of story.

    • LOVE it!

    • As per the usual…Calli = TOTAL WIN!!!

      PS hope you’ve taken or soon will be taking our fav LSAT test.

    • Dear God Calli, that was awesome! Epic win! :)

    • calliope.. awesome as always..epic

    • You’re effing awesome.

    • Getting right to the point, as usual! Hi Calli!

    • Brilliant! wonderful Calli! Thanks for the dose of reality!

  23. That Danny guy said he didn’t know who Robbie was, so Robbie should not even acknowledge him. Hmph. (Yes, I know I sound like I’m two, but that really pissed me off.)

  24. They all have a +1 in the sitting, do that means that Oregano will be sitting between Rob and Boring plain K?… talking about avoiding something…

    I can’t wait!!! sadly they will be on the Latin Mtv on june 4th, but I will sure be looking for every piece of it in youtube since Sunday!

  25. Happy Birthday MsJBell!!!
    :)

  26. Oh! Please avoid any “friend” of friends with a digital camera that will speak and create a crazy romance between you 2 in the tabloids…

  27. I’m ashamed to admit that I love LC. Please don’t hate me, Moon.

    M

    • I like her too, she is such a nice person. (looks like she is) And Stephen Colletti was likeable too, and that’s it.

  28. ok i <3 chris pine, but dude is dating audrina from the hills. he obviously has bad taste in girls and we dont need rob being sullied in such a way. i have to say i hope he stays away.

    • i choose to believe that is a rumor cause i cant live in a world where pine sol is making time with AUDRINA.

      uggghhh!

  29. ugh.. the hills and its ‘stars’ make me sick to my stomach..
    i really hope rob doesn’t make any contact with them whatsoever, especially take pictures in which case i may have to gouge my eyes out

  30. You girls crack me up so much; a great way to start a Friday!!LOL. First of all, sassysmart, I vote for the grey shirt/black jeans (and probably commando) Love Amber’s “cough” phrase…and calliope’s DENY-REFUSE..(and Oregano showing up). And Jess, there may be some punching in the faces of babies, so be prepared!!!!

  31. True Story:

    My husband used to work in a warehouse. One of his co-workers used to deal drugs to Keifer Sutherland back in the day when he used to live in Toronto. Now, Keifer Sutherland owes this guy some money… but will probably never get it.

    Yep. True story.
    :) I can’t wait to MTV awards. I will have front row seats in my living room with my pop corn and my pocket Edward. Get ready for some squeals and giggles coming from my living room!

  32. Happy b-day to JBELL!!!!

    I can’t wait for MTV awards [+1]
    I have to stay awake until 11:45pm to watch it, but I can live with this and better Rob do what Calliope said… thanks Calliope! :)

    xoxo

  33. I really think they need to do a split-screen on Rob and the trailer when they air it. Let’s hear it for awkward hair tousling goodness. :)

  34. SSSSSSSSQUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

    First 15 seconds of the New Moon trailer here!
    KISSING!!!!!!!! ROBWARD LOOKS HAWT!

    http://www.popsugar.com/3207072

    • Here’s another link for viewage.
      I first found it at pop sugar and then saw this.

      http://www.etonline.com/news/2009/05/74735/index.html

      I have a feeling this will be on ET tonight!

      • OMGEEEE
        Do you know what is fun? Is that today I’m doing this measure of my blood pressure (yes, see what Rob does to me? LOL) at home and the machine does this annoying bip sound EVERYTIME I see some Rob pics or videos and starts another measurement…

        Do you know what is sad? Is that I still don’t know what will I say to the docs tomorrow when they look at me wondering WTH am I doing to my heart b/c it seems like it explode inside me sometimes during the day…
        *sigh*

        PS – Nor that you’re asking, but I have a good health and I’m doing just fine. Thank you. It’s just b/c I like to take care of myself (and I may or may not be hypochondriac…) :)

        • ((((Giseli Freitas))))

        • Show you doc Rob’s pics and see how she/he handles them. Probably the same reaction!

  35. Dear Rob,

    If Paris Hilton comes near you just break out into “don’t trust a ho, never a trust a ho, don’t trust a ho” like the song says! K? K!

    Love,
    me, the one who will be sitting next to you

  36. So I wonder if Rob is on his way back to the US now or tomorrow? Surely now because they’d have to have rehearsals for MTV this weekend, no? And it’s TOTALLY NORMAL that I’m wondering about this.

  37. Absoloute class! From the title you had me in stitches, seriously UC, you deserve an award (or 10), you girls never fail to have me in stitches!

    keep up the good work!!!!

    much love xxx

  38. And THIS is why I love you guys. I didn’t think anyone else out there could love Twilight, Sasha Cohen, Danny McBride, and Chris Pine the same way I do. :)

  39. @JellybeanRainbow –> you.are.a.genius!! But I’m wondering… what if she assume that like a confirmation for my craziness?
    I want my straitjacket ( That’s normal! :)

    PS – How do I call in English that white jacket to restrain people to harm themselves and/or others when they loose control? I think I’ll be doing these kind of jackets with Twilight quotes, pics, etc… I’m so creative! I’ll be millionaire! $$$$$$$ LOL

  40. @Jena –> :) That’s NORMAL!

  41. Happy Birthday, JBell! And on a Friday—hope you’re having a great time!

  42. HA

    This post has me laughing so hard there are tears!! Good job MOON!

  43. Alright, is anybody out there?

    • Here!

  44. I just got here!

    • Hey FN, How are you today?

      • I’m not sure if it’s PMS or what, but I’m feeling particularly anti-KStew lately. It was funny b/c today I just wrote EyeC an e-mail telling her about KStew and I went back and re-read the posts from last night and you gals were talking about her. BTW, I’ve seen part of that movie “Speak” and it was pretty good. How are you doin’?

        • I don’t know quite how to respond to that, but I’m fine.

          • LOL, sorry!

          • No problem, lol. I can understand feeling a little anti-KStew.

  45. I just watched that ET clip….EW! lol

    • Was that the short 14 second one?

      • Yes. When did Bella ask Edward for a kiss on her B-day in the book? Did I just forget that part or was that made up?

        • He was giving her trouble about whether she wanted presents or didn’t want presents. She thought about it and said she did want him to acknowledge her birthday after all and to stay with her. The kiss specifically at that point I think was added in there.

          • That’s what I thought. Didn’t he make her a CD or something to use w/ her new stereo system? I need to go back and read NM soon.

            Know what I just thought about??

            THE V!! Mmm….

          • Never far from my mind….

            That whole night inNM was the saddest after the “incident”. He couldn’t be reasoned with. Oh well, that’s why the whole series needed it, for dramatic impact.

    • Bella and Edward, not Rob and Kristen.

      • Right! I must remember my chant!

  46. Oh, hi girls! I didn’t want anybody to feel forced into this!

    • Forced into what?

      Oh yeah…EP, how are you liking WA? Or have you not started it yet?

      • It was getting late and I thought everyone might want a night off. lol

        • Oh…I need to catch up on my missed days! lol Unless you’re tired.

          • I’m fine.

          • Just making sure.

      • It’s really good, I’m only to chapter 7 I turned out to be busier than I thought today, plus I can’t look at the screen for that long.

        • Staring at the screen for too long is really hard on your eyes. I’m glad you’re liking it.

        • I’m glad you got it started anyway. It is hard reading them off the computer. I have to keep reminding myself to open the other eye.

          • I’m liking it so far, but I don’t like headaches so I’m taking a break.

          • Good idea.

  47. One day I will throw this computer out the window. It’ll fall approx. a foot and half, my window is low only one story, but regardless, it will make me feel better.

    • It will probably just bounce.

      • Yeah, probably.

    • I need a new laptop. Mine is seriously old. I want to go check them out at stores but since I know nothing about computers I’m sure I’m going to get ripped off. lol

      • Most likely. I usually look online for best prices first, for basically anything.

  48. EP I found one theater that’s showing LA, but the release date is unknown! Have you looked into that at all? This place is called Bijou Santikos Theater. The google search I did was less than helpful :/

    • I haven’t, but I’ll call them tomorrow if you’d like.

      • Oh no. You don’t have to do that. I didn’t know if that was the same place in SA that you knew of. (if that made any sense. I seriously need some sleep I feel like I’m typing a bunch of nonsense tonight!)

        • I can’t remember the name of the place in San Antonio so it could be the same place.

  49. Holla ladies, sorry I’m late.

    BFF, I’m so glad you started WA. I’m excited FOR you. In fact, I may start rereading it. Lord knows I’ll be done all the chapters before she updates anyway. HUFF.

    FN, I totally wanted to punch KStew in the ovary when she asked Rob for a kiss. I know it’s Bella and Edward, but I hate KStew as Bella. I curse the day she was born!

    • Hi there Jenny. I know what you mean about the update. It’s way past frustrating now.

    • Yes! These feelings are normal! I’m glad I’m not alone! I can’t quite put my finger on what it is about her that I don’t like. It’s like lots of little things that bug me.

  50. EyeC, a night off? Are you crazy?! ;)

    • I was kinda hangin’ out there, which is fine if anybody does want off. I didn’t want anyone to feel ignored. lol


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