Tonight my friend Dave was over. This was our conversation:
Dave: What are you doing?
Me: Kicking everyone’s ass in the Dazzle Awards
Dave: What are the Dazzle Awards?
Me: We’re up for an award for our site about Robert Pattinson
Dave: What site? (seriously, Dave? Where the H have you been? Haven’t you wondered where I’ve been for the past few months?)
Dave: Who’s Rob?
Me: (blank stare)
Dave: Is he the one who wrote your vampire book?
Oh the stuff guys say about you! On to your mailbag! Read NOW!
Seriously yesterday you guys BLEW OUR MINDS with the support on the Dazzle Awards. Let’s keep it up! We’re gonna win this one! Vote for us NOW!
After patiently crossing off the calendar days leading up to March 24, I arrive at CVS to get a copy of the April GQ. You already know I’m not buying this mag for my husband. Scanning the readers’ aisle, I suddenly see GQ… Justin Timberlake on the cover? NO!! Wait, it’s only the March issue. But where is the one with the Hottest Man On The Planet gracing the cover?
A nice guy behind the counter looks up as I casually mention,”One of your magazines (I refrain from saying which one) is supposed to hit the stands today, and I was wondering when it’s gonna be in your store?” Innocent enough. He pauses. Then he looks me up and down once, stopping at my eyes. His face now adopts an earnest, sympathetic look, for he already knows which mag I want. He has detected the feverish craving beneath my mask of casual calm – he’s seen it before. He tells me, in a voice like a therapist,”Our truck (or possibly an armored car?) is guaranteed to deliver that issue tomorrow. You can get it then.” Tomorrow comes, and my hyperventilating is mostly manageable as I acquire my hard copy, and it’s all there: the photos, up close & personal, of this gorgeous, sensitive, sexy man…his eyes, lips, hair (and a package to die for, right?)…OH MY ROB!
Last month I was getting hot and heavy on the couch with a very eligible young bachelor, but cut him off cold and sent him packing halfway through because I wanted to watch you on my grainy, dodgy version of Twilight that I stole from my housemate who bought it off the black market whilst in Fiji.
I have turned down two dates from very handsome young men in the last month because I felt that neither of them could live up to the incredibly high physical standards I now expect in a man, as set by yourself. This is very concerning to both myself and my friends as I have been single for coming up to 8 months now (which may not be unusual to some, but really is when it comes to me, I mean honestly, I’m quite a catch.), and for the last two months it has been by choice due to the below detailed new mental checklist.
New mental checklist when checking out a guy:
- Does he have a carefree/starving artist unshaven vibe going on?
- Is he wearing either a) a Dolce Gabbana tux or b) grubby clothes that he’s worn for the last three days straight?
- Does he have incredibly long fingers?
- Does he have floppy, untidy looking golden brown hair that looks as though it hasn’t been washed in about 6 months? (admittedly this is very hard look for any other mortal man to pull off, but you do it so well)
- Does he use said fingers to constantly comb through said unwashed hair?
- Does he have piercing green/blue/grey eyes that scream “Do me, do me now. I don’t care that we’re in the middle of the Post Office, rip my clothes off and do me in front of the little old lady arguing about the price of sending a set of encyclopedias to her grand daughter in Japan”?
Sadly, none of them did.
But you do, Rob. You do.
Oh Rob. Why do I love you when you torture me so with your un-attainablility?
Desperate and Dateless (thanks to you),
UC note: Carrie told us that this letter was inspired by “your site (and of course by our Lord above, below and in between [the sheets] Robert Pattinson).”
Read more from Rob’s Mailbag, after the jump
The United States of Roberica
While we hope you are enjoying your stay in Vancouver, the American Ladies of LTR would like to remind you how much we miss you back in The States. To prove the depth of our passion for you, we have decided to rename our country, and our states, in YOUR honor! (Some of them are the teensiest bit risqué, but we know you love a good joke, so we hope you aren’t offended.)
This actually began with a comment on our forum, that you are in, not Vancouver, as you supposed, but Robcouver. Surprise! Canada, um, Robanada, is doing it, too! Therefore, one day soon you may travel to Robec, ToRobto, Robifax or even Robtreal. When you do head south again, here are the new states’ names. We don’t want you to be confused by all the new signs the government will have to put up now that these changes have been made to-
The United States of Roberica:
|Alabama = Robabama||Montana = Robtana|
|Alaska = Robaska||Nebraska = NebRobska|
|Arizona = Robizona||Nevada = Robada|
|Arkansas = Arkanbert||New Hampshire = New Robshire|
|California = Robifornication||New Jersey = New Robsey|
|Colorado = ColoRobo||New Mexico = New Robico|
|Connecticut = ConnRobert||New York = New Yorbert|
|Delaware = Robaware||N. Carolina = N. Robolina|
|Florida = Floribert||N. Dakota = N. Robkota|
|Georgia = Robgia||Ohio = OhiRob|
|Hawaii = Robaii||Oklahoma = ORobahummah|
|Idaho = IdoRob||Oregon = ORobgone (a sad state indeed!)|
|Illinois = Robnoise||Pennsylvania = Robsylvania|
|Indiana = Robdiana||Rhode Island = Rob Island|
|Iowa = IowRob||S. Carolina = S. Robolina|
|Kansas = Kanbert||S. Dakota = S. Robkota|
|Kentucky = Robtucky||Tennessee = Robessee|
|Louisiana = LooseRob||Texas = Robsexass|
|Maine = Robster||Utah = URob|
|Maryland = Robyland (as opposed to Robland, where you were born. Yes, Europe, uh, EuRob is joining in, as well!)||Vermont = Robmount|
|Massachusetts = Robachusetts||Virginia = Robgina|
|Michigan = Robagainplz||Washington = WashingRob|
|Minnesota = Robesota||W. Virginia = W. Robgina|
|Mississippi = Robissippi||Wisconsin = Robsin|
|Missouri = Robouri||Wyoming = Roboming|
We didn’t forget Washington D.C. (= WashingRob D.B. (you dirty boy, you!)), Puerto Rico or the US Virgin Islands, either! Puerto Robo & The Nolonger-Virgin Robslands. We hope that you enjoy the lengths to which we will go to show our appreciation of your many fine talents. Thank you, Rob, for being YOU!
Millbert, Robabama, USR
Rob as a college study aid.
There I am in marketing class, learning all about pricing- bundle pricing, geographic pricing, value pricing, line pricing and on, and on, and on . . . . As always, the instructor goes off on some irrelevant tangent for ten minutes, and I spend the time reading ahead in the chapter. Oh look, next we have discrimination in pricing and promotions. That should be interesting. There’s even a law about it. The Robertson-Patman Act.
Let me repeat that. The Robertson-Patman Act.
Or, as it will forever be known in my addled brain . . . The Robert-Pattinson Act.
I spent the next thirty minutes alternating between uncontrollable giggling and unbridled fear that the instructor would call on me (no doubt because he’s noticed the uncontrollable giggling) and expect me to make some sort of coherent statement about it — and I can now only think/speak of it as the Robert-Pattinson Act.
The good news is, this is one law I’ll never forget . . . .
Dear Robert Pattinson,
I read in your GQ interview that you frequently read the blogs and rumors that are written about you on the internet. I may overuse the name Robert Pattinson in this letter, but it’s simply because the more I write Robert Pattinson, the more likely it is that it will turn up at the top of the list when you google yourself (Robert Pattinson). I just want you (Robert Pattinson) to know that you are an amazing actor, I would love to dry hump meet you, I think that we would really have a lot in common. We both like beer, we both have only one pair of black pants, neither of us know how to tie our shoes, and we both have a blatant disregard for our outward appearance…. but that really just skims the surface. You, Robert Pattinson, are incredibly awkward and a bit socially retarded….so am I!! You see, a date between the two of us would be magical! Now, Robert Pattinson… I will gladly drive the 300 miles to Vancouver for this date, so if you happen to be chillin on your laptop tonight, googling yourself and laughing at the expense of all of us fangirls, maybe you should just shoot me an email – we can talk hot pockets and I’ve got some other great microwavable items that you might like to try out.
C’mon now K-Stupid and Nikki Lesbo Reed cannot be satisfying your manly needs. You need someone with a little more skill to help you practice those elaborate love scenes.
Thanks for your time Robert Pattinson.
Robert Pattinson Robert Pattinson Robert Pattinson……..
Rob- the world’s most perfect man
For a while I’ve been trying to place why you looked familiar to me, and I couldn’t pinpoint it. Then I saw this pic of the David. Anyway, I was struck by how similar you and the “world’s most perfect man” were from Michaelangelo’s perspective. The jaw line is identical, and pouty mouth and nose and almost everything. crazy. Your ear is much better I think. You sort of have a Lord of the Rings “elf” ear.
Like the idea of Rob as the “world’s most perfect man?” The gals at Twilight-headed had the same idea!
Keep sending us your letters! WE LOVE THEM! We can’t post them all, and sometimes we forget to post really good ones and by the time we remember the info is WAY old and NOT relevant (our bad! If you wanna complain.. pay us to blog full-time and we won’t forget those things!) Thanks to EVERYONE who has submitted letters so far! We are SO BLESSED to have amazing, readers who feel “connected” to what we do (awww- gushy!) and we don’t THANK YOU enough! XOXO