Posted by: UC | March 11, 2009

Need help with that?

Dear Rob,

For awhile now my girls and I have been under the suspicion that you might be a little inexperienced when it comes to your sex being on fire.  Not to say we think you have your v-card or anything.. no no no.  We’re pretty sure you’ve experienced a LOT of fabulous drunken-night 4:30am sex on the kitchen floor (while TomStu was prob passed out on the couch) and plenty of bathroom-in-a-restaurant BJs from hot fangirls who offered.  And while we’re all for the occasional night of a drunken hook-up in the back of a cab following 8 shots of patron, we’re also willing to admit that lots of 22-year-old drunk sex does not equate you to an experienced lover. So, is your sex on fire? Or is it mere embers?

Hey- we’re not judging if it isn’t. We discuss frequently that we’re HAPPY to teach you the ropes. Again, this has all been suspicion.. until this picture appeared:

sloppykiss

And our worst suspicions were confirmed. The following are clips from our conversation:

Friend #1: It’s as I feared- This is painful. That is the WORST pressing of the lips I’ve ever seen! Oh, dear…Oh, Rob…He needs me to give him lessons.
Me: I’d kiss his sloppy lips anyday
Friend #1: I despise sloppy kissing- I don’t care if it is Rob. You come at me with gross liplocks like that and I’ll poke my arse out- KISS THAT!
Friend #2:  LOL! Those lips are so LOL worthy in that pic. I agree- the WORST. After you teach him, can I have a turn?
Moon:  Smooooshie lips. Looks either painful or with a lot of force… I might look that way if i had to kiss KStew too.

We’ve passed ideas back and forth on how we would best “teach” you the ways of a woman- we’ve considered ideas from showing you that Friends’ episode where Monica draws the SEVEN erogenous zones on a woman (and yes, there are 7) to the four of us mud wrestling to see who wins dibs on being “the teacher.”

We finally settled on the most fair idea- Spin the Bottle. By playing S.T.B., it ensures that all four of us get equal opportunity to teach you the secrets of lip-locking. And let me tell you, Rob… these girls are good. Believe me, I know!*

I know what you’re thinking, “how selfless of UnintendedChoice, ThemoonisDown and their friends to sacrifice themselves and teach me how to be a better lover.” And you’re right- it IS selfless of us.  So you should think long and hard (that’s what she said) about what to do to thank us for our generosity. (Hint- watch that Friends video I posted above- there are seven ideas right there…)

Wanna know how the night ends? Well, it will be you and I playing 7 minutes in heaven (I won the mud-wrestling competition for that privilege), but let me warn you, we end up using 173 minutes more than we’re supposed to…

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*That’s not true, I have only met Moon in real-life and we’ve never kissed. But let me promise you, next time I visit her I’m loading her up with Patron and planting a big one on her lucious lips, Nikki Reed-style.

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Responses

  1. Prepare for comment overload, starting… now.
    Prediction – nearly 800 comments today.

    I bet he is an amazing kisser; Kristen just makes that shot look HORRIBLE. She’s not even trying.

    Dear Kristen,
    Get over yourself.
    Love,
    JBell

    • Wow, you’re good JBell. I’m jumping the link to tell you this is comment 773.

      I also think you called it on who is at fault with this kiss. Edward is supposed to be the one with marble skin, but it looks like Bella is the one made of stone here.

  2. “Come on ride the train, and ride it…come on ride the train, it’s a choo-choo train…”

    QUAD City DJs. Ahem.

    p.s. So jealous UC gets to make out with Moon before me. That’s what she said.

    • ROFL!! LeighAnne! that was hilarious!!

    • LMAO! I haven’t thought about that song in years. Let me guess, Leigh Anne was in h.s. in the mid-90′s. Right?
      Thanks for the laugh!

      • @therealrobzilla I wish…no, I was in COLLEGE in the mid-90′s…I graduated high school in 1993. Yes, old. I know.

    • best song ever:

      don’t worry- we’ll text you pictures, fo’ so

      • That was video was awesome. Dude in the blue stripe shirt is cracking me up. “Go white boy, Go!!!”

      • @UC–girl, this video MADE my day. Seriously, how can you not love a song with the lyric, “”You lookin’ tough to death, got your done weave right…” That’s just good stuff right there…I don’t care who you are.

  3. Remember who he’s having to kiss in that scene…your lips would be awkward, too!

    I have a feeling he’s a phenomenal smoocher IRL.

  4. I’m sure he’s the best kisser in the world…Look at these lips…
    http://photos.robertpattinson.nu/displayimage.php?album=53&pos=3
    And his eyes seem to say “Let’s get it on!”

    • Seriously. They can do no wrong.

  5. This is how I am thinking of it:

    He was totally getting into Edward character. Of course, Edward had never kissed anyone before his untimely ‘demise’ at the tender age of 17. He was, of course, a nice turn-of-the-century boy with zero kissing experience. Rob knew that and decided to play it as such. Yeah, that is totally what he is doing.

    • I think you’re right. But I think Kristen was doing it in character too. And Bells had never kissed before either…

  6. What would you look like if you had to kiss a dead fish? Seriously… LOOK at her. I mean is she asleep? WTF? Makes me crazy…

    • EXACTLY!

      Ew. Poor Rob.

  7. You lost me at Long and Hard UC, I’m going to have to read it again. LOL

  8. *wow* only five comments yet today – better get mine in now!

    I totally agree with Sass – he was just in character. I don’t like looking at that picture – delete it! He kisses just fine in that Ashes trailer that we all have seen!

    • UC, your Little Ashes trailer got YouTubed and doesn’t work anymore. Please add YouTube to the fkl or flk? I forget…More coffee and RobCrotch stat!

      • haha… i will look for a new one,.. thanks for letting me know! XO

  9. ok, this letter today is effing hilarious. and whilst i am not belittling Robert’s experience, it has occured to me that he might be a bit… shy in that department. there’s just a quality about him that is so endearing and innocent and the hooker in me wishes to show him around the block a few times.

    @Sass, you’re completely right tho, about him getting into character. he’s playing a virgin in the movie, of course he looks a bit fumble-y and eager.

  10. So it seems my real life has been seriously interfering with my fantasy sex life. I’ve been doing gigs day and night for the last 2 days. I need to get caught up.
    682 comments, any body care to give me a synopsis…any new pics and new chicks?

    • About “new” chicks:
      There were rumors that Nikki Reed brought a guitar to Vancouver and people assumed it could be Rob’s what would be proof of their relationship but us LTR-girls decided this is just bullshit ’cause Jackson Rathbone came with a guitar himself what would mean, he’s in a relationship with Rob, too *lol*
      And Megan Fox is still with Brian David Silver Austin Green as Perez Hilton claims, so no threatening from her…

      • how is THAT proof they’re in a relationship? twihards are ridiculous… so because i have a guitar and could carry it with me means rob and i are bumping uglies?!! YESSSSSSS… wish i knew it was that simple all along.
        ;)

        • “Bumping uglies” is one of the best terms we never got teached at school in English… I love it!!!

    • Thanks you saved me about an hour of reading.

  11. My take on this rather depressing botchery of a kiss is that KStews breath smelt like Oregano and dog sh#t . Rob being the proffessional ethical actor was likely doing the kiss in true form but then it hit him in the mouth full force about this nasty God knows what shes been into girl. He tried for the sake of the scene to keep kissing her but moved away from her open stank hole, you can see the strain around his eyes. The pain he must feel to not beable to act out this scene to full perfection. It hurts him I tell you.

    Dear Rob,
    Thank you for removing your beautiful lips from the skank holes. I am sure that whatever germs she may be carrying around would be delighted to make their way into your blood stream but we your dedicated fangirls would be saddened by this greatly. We like you as you are. Our sweet but dirty little angel.
    All my love
    Natasha

    • hahaha hilarious! i like that explanation

      • I usually save skank hole for the hookers but I was feeling generous toward KStew today and didnt want her to feel left out :)

    • Oregano and dog sh*t! Brilliant! I shouldn’t laugh this hard, someone will wonder what I am doing and discover my dirty secret. I think they question my sanity already. Poor Rob, he looks like he is in pain. I would much love to make him feel better.

      @pishposh – I love it (skank hole) I just cannot make myself like that girl. I’m sure it’s because I am terribly jealous. Sigh…

  12. Oh and thanks UC for the visual of having drunken night 4:30 am sex on the kitchen floor. The perfect way to start my day!

    Unfortunately I would much rather be ACTUALLY having that sex on the floor with Rob, but sadly, for now…and forever…will have to make do with the visual.

    • Sass, you never know…A girl can dream!

    • Hey Sass, by the way, I”ve been meaning to mention how great that pic is of you! LOVE the leopard print (I’m serious).

  13. Hmmm, okay, check this out:

    http://www.robsessedpattinson.com/2009/03/hiya-hotness.html

    Is that better?

    • That gif makes it look like KStew is the one with the kissing issues…not our Boy!

    • In that scene he’s also only kissing KStew’s upper lip…So I wonder what’s wrong with the rest of her mouth?

      • I noticed the upper lip thing – it’s the same with both scenes here. Hm, peculiar. Someone needs to find the Ashes clip STAT so that we can compare.

      • I was up late last night cutting all the chicks out of the little ashes trailer and adding some music…I’ll post it soon.

        • Ooooh! Can’t wait to see! Do you have the kissing scene?

        • Ohhh! are we talking hot man love? I can deal with that, as long as it’s Rob.

    • okay .. he redeemed himself. i didn’t breathe the entire time the .gif was playing omg

  14. @JBell – I am so in agreement with your statement (first comment of the day) that I would fake lesbo kiss you right now if you were here, and I wouldn’t give you the tongue unless you asked for it (cuz I love you that much) . ROFL!!

    I almost feel guilty for participating in a comment thread like this, where Rob’s kissing style is being critiqued. It’s obvious that this was when he had to lunge himself at her quickly, and then get off a.s.a.p. so he could be ripped across the room by his harness & wires.

    Or, he just was trying to make it LOOK like a kiss, when in reality he was so disgusted by having to put his mouth on a place where Oregano’s banana had been. Or even worse, Nikki Reed’s lips!!!

    POOR ROB!!!!! No wonder he’s doing that!! Come here sweetness, I’ll let you use me as your demo to show everybody what a earth-shattering kisser you really are!! :D

    • ewww… Oregano’s banana… i love you vogue but can we talk about Robbie’s banana instead? I need a better mental picture

    • KStew & NReed style!? Oh, I’m so there. LOL

      • *smooch* *smooch* *mwwaaaawww!!* *and an ass grab to-go*

  15. Note to Kristen: Do you know how lucky you are? Maybe you could actually show it!

    I bet Rob is an amazing kisser, those plump lips…I can only imagine.

    I’m having a nice visual of that kitchen floor sex, mmm hhhmmmm….

    And I love that episode of Friends! It’s the best next to the “PIVOT!” episode!

    • LOL! Pivot! Pivot! Piiiivot!

  16. @Lan…I would be totally fine with fumble-y and eager, lol.

    @JAG…did you see all of the new pics that have surfaced from Vancouver? Molten goodness!

    • Are they the ones with the dad-case? I think I saw those ones before I went to work yesterday.

  17. @pishposh… i totally agree with you! I can’t even imagine what kind of nastiness she’s got goin on. Im just proud of him for even attempting to put his lips of perfection anywhere near her.

    also….

    Dear Rob,

    I would like to assume that your Sex is on Fire… but if for some reason it is not, the hundreds(?) of ladies here at LTR will each take our turn to ensure that you have been completely experienced. By the time we are done, your sex will be more of a blazing inferno.
    Looking forward to my turn with you,
    JGW

  18. Am I the only one who is a fan of the drunken, pub smelling, scruff rubbing the skin off my chin, sloppy, push me to the bedroom, slam me on the bed, tear the buttons of my clothes kinda kiss? You know it does serve a purpose…mmmm *day-dreaming**

    • Um, wow, yeah, that was a visual! :)

    • oh dear god, now there will be no work getting done today…

      and YES i am a fan!

    • @JAG – ” I. AM. DIED.” You’re killing me with that visual! I think my twatty-cat just meowed!

      • hahaha twatty-cat. you’re killin me today

        • Hee-hee!
          “Meeeow!! Hiss-Hiss! RAWWWRR!!! ”

          DOWN KITTY! DOWN!!! Get off of Rob!!

      • if I was a lesbian I would get on my knees and ask you to marry me. I just love your wit so much girl!

    • no. i will have one of those right now if you know anyone who is offering..

    • Oh, I am soooo with you. Or straddling him in the car, skirt up and panties pushed aside…the driver watching? He’s a Taurus (like me) so you know he would love having his neck and ears nibbled. There’s nothing like hot car sex.

      P.S. I really shouldn’t have put my picture up if I’m going to be naughty.

  19. @Vogue…thanks luv, you are sweet! *smooches*

    Yes! Maybe Rob did lose his balance when he slammed her down on the bed and then he knew he was going to get yanked away momentarily by the wires. Kinda messed with his concentration?

    And I really should not use the words Rob and yanked in the same sentence… ;-)

  20. @JAG…uhhhh, no, you are not the only fan of that.

    *POOF*

  21. hey, he does claim he had no real luck with girls which is why he went to acting classes in the first place.

  22. All right ladies. Here it is, this is my first video project from Little Ashes movie clips…I left the chick on the cutting room floor…just the boys!

    http://wouldyoutapthat.wordpress.com/2009/03/11/robert-pattinson-kissed-a-boy-we-liked-it/

    • that was awsome! thank you!

    • They should’ve made the whole movie without any chicks…There’s no need for them.

      • *chink chink* cheers to that!

    • ung. The happy trail in motion video…
      can’t. stop. watching.

  23. So I was listening to “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails last night and couldn’t help but think of Rob.
    It seems as though anytime a song with any sort of sexual inuendo comes on the radio, my thoughts automatically lead me to him.

    I need a whole new set of panties now

    • I did this amazing video to Closer by NiN. 180 shots of Rob doing his sexy face plus a kiss montage at the “I want to f*ck you like an animal part* in 3 minutes.
      What can I say I am a PATINPERV at heart 3>
      But I can’t post the f-in thing anywhere due to copyright. So it’s on my Zune and only for my personal enjoyment right now *sigh*

      • you lucky lucky lady. Im pretty jealous that you get to watch that. All I have is mental images to play through my mind while I listen to it.
        Im dying to watch your newest one but im at work and cant see it!!!

        • The Closer vid is about 4 MB I can send it to you via upload link for your own personal enjoyment hee hee. It’s formatted to go on a Zune or Ipod or your PC.
          BTW, Rob was 8 when that song came out…LOL

          • I would love to have it! My email is skwatch49@yahoo.com

            and I would have only been 7 when it came out. Im a baby

          • It’s on its way. Enjoy!

      • btw… I really like “PattinPerv”
        Can we add this to our list of Robisms?

        Im pretty sure we are all PattinPerv’s, otherwise we wouldnt spend our days and nights on a website saying/thinking naughty things about him

  24. Was totally lost after “Long and Hard” and remembered a RobQuote that was once on robertpattinson.org….which was namely “I’m just a big hard tool” (Rob referring to himself in an interview about Twilight)..

    Jeez, the two references put together….”holy crow” [quote] *fans herself*

    • Dirty minds think alike. lol I got derailed at Long and Hard too.

      • Definitely.

        And the “I’m just a big hard tool” is an old fave of mine. Picture Rob saying that to you…

        Would also be a VERY appropriate RobCrotch Quote…. :)

  25. Just sitting back and watching the comments on this one. You guys crack me up!

  26. Why do I suddenly hear Marvin singing “Let’s get it on” in my head right now?

    • I just spit my coffee all over my LCD! LOL

  27. A realisation suddenly hit me.
    Sour Puss, notwithstanding 3 yrs training in the Department with Oregano (not that we have had a thorough due diligence on that and can vouchsafe that it’s worth the trouble, quite the contrary from the look on the guy’s face)….
    Well, she really can’t pull this off…
    I have no translation at the moment for the Italian expression PESCE LESSO (ie literally boiled fish), maybe if V is out there she can help…

    Secondly, I have just come across this old pic and I am absolutely mesmerised (could be from a sloppy kissable kind of evening)

    http://www.celebuzz.com/video-twilight-star-robert-pattinson-s52181/photos-32084801/

  28. so whats up with Drew Barrymore being considered to direct Eclipse???

    • I read about this but the article said it will be directed by Paul Weitz who is Chris’ younger brother…

    • i really don’t have an opinion on this, to be honest. i like drew and she only has one movie that she’s directed under her belt.

      however, i can say that i find catherine hardwick to be annoying. i may be in the minority here but i’m thrilled she’s not the director again.

    • Phew… I got scared for a minute! I hate that its switching so many times. I hope Chris pulls it off!

    • I’m with ya, I am NOT a fan of Catherine either.

    • Im glad that Catherine Hardwick isn’t directing New Moon too. I am just trying to be hopeful about Chris. I really want to see them make Breaking Dawn and am just scared that if New Moon sucks, that it wont get the green light

  29. did anyone notice yesterday a rumor about rob having a girlfriend and he keeps it waaaaay on the DL? she’s asian-swedish and a writer.

    can i just say the crack-whore in me got all excited because that tells me he likes himself some ethnic girls and i actually believed i had a CHANCE, since i’m yellow and all. then i remembered he was linked to Katie Leung back in the day, right?

  30. posted a link to a photo earlier but it’s not showing up…

    trying again: http://tinyurl.com/daoslz

    This really got me going, with marvin in the background…

    • sorry monica- wordpress spammed you. great pic!

      • No probs UC… :)
        Glad you like the pic!

  31. omr! this just cracked me up!

    http://whattheforks.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/mr-mrs-cullen/

    • haha That was a good one. KStew could never look that hot if she tried.

  32. I’ll be back on later this afternoon gals, I’ve actually got to work today, NNNOOOO, so if I go MIA that’s why. Sniff. Sniff. Have a good one!

  33. Marvin in always playing in the background when I see pics of Rob!

    That and L.L. “Doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well!”

    I don’t care what that pic shows, I bet he is a foot cramp inducing lay!

    I’m willing, for all woman kind, to volunteer and find out. ‘Cause I’m all kinds of unselfish like that.

    I hit that jackpot last night in my dreams. Let me just tell you ladies, in my dreams, he is FANF*#KINGTASTIC! Gotta love it when you just woke up and already need to change the panties.

    • omg..LL is my number 1!–Doin it…..ohhhhh maaaannnn!!

  34. Ladies, I can’t find a translation right now but Kstew is the epitome of this Italian phrase:
    PESCE LESSO (literally, boiled fish).
    If V is out there maybe she can help translating..

    And also…probably 3yrs training in the department with Oregano haven’t helped..

    That girl does definitely not know her luck. Agree with Jena again.

  35. Well, alrighty then. I love it when I kill a thread.

    *Chirp* Where did everyone go?

    • i was thinking the same thing. not that YOUR killed the thread, but that it got super quiet. for like 20 minutes.

      and today i was actually going to make a valient attempt at keeping up with.

  36. ha i was wondering the same thing…

    im way jealous you got sexy time with Rob in your dream

  37. im pretty sure ive posted more in the past 2 hours than i have since ive been on ltr

    • @JGW – Please post more often. I love to look at your avatar. You are soooo pretty. In the non-lesbo way, of course!

      • aww… Thank you! I totally needed a ego boost today. =)

        I dont normally post because i feel as though im nowhere near as witty and funny as the rest of the ladies here.
        Oh well… i suppose everyone can put up with my comments anyways

        • I’m never funny or witty, but I love to “talk” with you gals. Isallgood!

    • yay!

  38. And, I come an hour late and I’m already lost in the comments Yikes!

    Dear Rob –

    I will not critique your kissing. If I’ve taught a guy to kiss before (*cough* husband *couch*), then I can most definitely teach you.

    Not that you need it…but practice does make perfect!

    Love, me

  39. oooh I just heard another song that makes me think of Rob!
    Feelin Love- Paula Cole

    • oooohhhh, yes, yes, Rob!

      We need to compile a list of Rob baby makin’ songs. Just sayin’ :-)

      • I definitely agree.
        I cant even imagine all the songs our brains could come up with. We could probably have a song for every pic of him. Dirty, seductive, dorky, sweaty, sexy…. the list goes on

        • How about Amy, Amy, Amy by Amy winehouse….I would love to work ;) in an “OFFICE” with Rob–just saying

  40. @JAG- Now *that* is a visual worth having over and over and over again! Thanks for that :D

    @robzilla- I’m so jealous! I had the creepiest swamp and spider dream. No Rob in sight! It was torture!

    @Jena- Have fun working. We shall miss you!

    @Lan- I heard that rumor a while ago. No idea if it’s true or not, but I’m operating on the belief that anyone is better than Ebola Hilton!

    • @Ayden – I don’t want to brag or anything, but you should be jealous. LOL! That dream was straight out “I love L.A.” style. DAYUM! Good enough that hubby was awakened and violated – twice. Of course, it was all Robby in my mind.

      • Jealousy oozing also on this side of the ocean…

        Robzilla, now I have killed the thread…everyone gone to change panties?

  41. Maybe he vomited a little in his mouth at having to kiss KS, I know I would if i had to kiss her.

  42. I thought the quiet was weird…and one of my posts did not show up right away (pretty pissed, I had put some effort into it), posted a condensed version later, and then it showed up twice…

    Mystery!

    • sometimes when you put links in there, wordpress puts it aside for us to approve. and i slept in this morning b/c i didn’t wanna get up :) and moon is on the west coast, so she’s still in bed!

      it doens’t always do that with links. if you post with 1 link, you’re usually fine.. more than 1 link… it will probably but you in our queue for approval!

      • Gotcha! Thanks for the explanation :)

  43. Even the way he was licking that chick who plays Jessica’s eye was pretty dang hot…and right on the $, too.

    Licking an eye in a bar = more erotic than kissing Sour Puss.

    • and he was drunk at that time too!!! i say our boy is a fabulous kisser!

  44. @UC- love that ‘Friends’ ref! Yay! Great episode!
    Yeah, I said the same thing when I saw that Pic- he’s practically up her nose (not good!)

  45. Good news! I came across some video with all the dirty bits from Little Ashes and more. Holy Sh*t there are scenes I have never ever ever seen that are going to cause panties to combust around the world.
    Rob kissed a boy Part 2 is coming up…with just th dirty bits!

    • @JAG- long time no see! Uh, your comment about the kiss (above) HELL YES!

    • Yay! Can’t wait to see it!!

    • JAG: please DO email me link to that video or I am died…

  46. I haven’t been blessed with any more Rob dreams yet but JT made a very dirty guest appearance last nite…so no complaints here.

    • ooh JT is yummy.
      Ill take Rob, JT, Orlando Bloom w/ a side of matt damon please

      • LOL! As dessert I’ll have a bite of Keanu with a nibble of ‘Rob’!

        • I’ll have what you’re having! :-)

          • All I can say is YUM and SLURP!!!!

      • and then we can come back for seconds of Rob…and thirds, fourths… and so on

        cant forget our Robnana Split

        • By all means, can’t forget ‘The Split’! LOL!

  47. @ UC

    “We’re pretty sure you’ve experienced a LOT of fabulous drunken-night 4:30am sex on the kitchen floor’

    oh wow.*blinks* i totally lost myself in that daydream where i pull rob down to the kitchen floor and sc***w his brains out.thanks for that mental pic UC LMAO!!

    hello LTR gals!!and yeah,im sure we will exceed 800 comments today since we are after all discussing his kissing skillz or lack thereof,(seriously doubt it,he did say he has kissed a lot of girls).

    • Did he say so? In which interview? Anyone got a link?

      • you are gorgeous!

        • Thank you so much *blushes*
          You, too!
          But actually, I think we all are…Must be Rob’s Hotness shining down on each and everyone of us ;-)

  48. See, I could only stay away for 30 minutes, LOL!

    @JAG, I’m interested in your vid if you’d like to email it to me
    brunerjl@neb.rr.com
    and the new one you found….MUST SEE IT!

    Ok, I really have to work now. No, really I do.

    • It’s on its way!

      • Thanks!

  49. i just read the post above about that anika writer chick who is ithe supposed hidden gf.

    *sigh* to quote jbell,it hurts me.its like a hole in my heart like bella felt when edward left in NM

  50. @Gen, you just made the best dessert EVER!

    • @Jena- Getting a visual in my head of both of them together (with me) and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *think I just short circuited*

      • If they ever filmed a movie together that would
        just make my millenium!
        I’d have to take the EMT to the theater with me, LOL!


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