Dear Mrs. Pattinson (can I call you mom?),
The word on the street is that you love to read blogs and news about your son. Well, our blog has been growing, and I know that in MY daily google alerts for “Robert Pattinson” our blog often appears (I think it’s because I’ve been giving Larry Page lap dances on a daily basis). If you’re like me (and I’m pretty sure you are) you have a google alert set-up for your son. That means, you’ve most likely come across this site.
I’m just writing to welcome you. This site is a warm place that should make you feel proud to be the mother of such a wonderful guy. Your son has TONS of amazing girls writing hilarious/sarcastic/honest letters to him each and every day. I hope you find yourself laughing along with us, sighing over the pictures of the beautiful boy you popped out and perhaps even penning a letter of your own!
Anyway, I just wanna thank you and Mr. P for getting it on and creating the beautiful man that you did. I gotta be up front with you though- I want to bang your son. Yep, I really just said that. I don’t want there to be any awkwardness or surprise if you accidentally walk in his room and I’m half out of my 90′s-grunge clothes pulling the shirt over his head while he’s playing me “Bella’s Lullaby” on the piano (ya know, for my Bella/Edward fantasy). It’s better that I just tell you my intentions from the beginning. I plan on banging* your son. At this point, you’re probably ready for him to move out of your house, huh? Well, I promise, after one night with me, he’ll be begging to move in with me. So, just tolerate the headboard banging and destroyed feather pillows (I promise I’ll replace them) just this once. Afterward, wanna get a mani/pedi?
Here’s the vid where Rob says talks about you stalking him online:
Looking forward to meeting you in the kitchen of your house when I’m looking for an ‘after-sex’ snack (I like goldfish crackers, btw),
*I also plan on bringing back the word bang and using it like it’s 1995
I’m gonna call you Clare because that’s what my online stalking (one of your favorite pastimes too, I’m sure) told me your name is and I think you’d feel “Mrs. Pattinson” is a bit too stodgy and mother-in-lawish (someday!)
After seeing you and Richard (Mr. Pattinson) in that Ellen clip above I KNEW we’d be fast friends! Anyone who can dance in the audience of a day time talk show is my kind of people! You seem a lot like my mom: not afraid to embarrass her kids cause she’s having a good time, believes in you and encourages you to pursue all your dreams no matter how far away that means you’ll be from them and will also text me with pictures of shoes from the mall that you want to know if you should get. And I will provide you with fashion expertise, Clare, trust me! A sample:
“Seriously get them Clare! You only live once! In fact get every color, they look THAT good! You can totally wear them with your LBD”
That’s just a taste of what it will be like after we’re BFF!
Anyway, all this nonsense to say, UC and I felt it was time to finally introduce ourselves and tell you what a fantastic, wonderful, beautiful (and I don’t call boys beautiful every often) charming and seemingly GOOD person your son is. Someday I’ll put together a book full of letters people have written your son, via us. And if you’re ever feeling blue or you’re questioning your worth as a parent, you can read them and know that there are oodles of quality girls (and even some dudes) who think you did a heckuva job. And not just cause he’s Edward Cullen, but because he carries himself with pride AND humility and that makes him seem like a totally genuine person and you are to thank for that!
But enough with the gushing, you know this already, you’re his MOM!
Hugs and thank you’s,
Your future daughter-in-law (aka themoonisdown)
P.S. FYI I swear I won’t make you wear some hideous mother-of-the-groom get up. This is my solemn vow to you.
Mrs Pattinson: Do you know what would be AWESOME? If YOU entered a poem or graphic design into our Valentines Contest! We would totally rig the contest so you could win. We just KNOW you need some fun Twilight/Edward/Rob gifts to put on your bedside table! *hugs*