Posted by: UC | February 5, 2009

Pass this message along to your mum…

You're gonna make the best grandma

I think I'll have the kids call you "Grammy-Pattz"

Dear Mrs. Pattinson (can I call you mom?),

The word on the street is that you love to read blogs and news about your son.  Well, our blog has been growing, and I know that in MY daily google alerts for “Robert Pattinson” our blog often appears (I think it’s because I’ve been giving Larry Page lap dances on a daily basis).  If you’re like me (and I’m pretty sure you are) you have a google alert set-up for your son.  That means, you’ve most likely come across this site.

I’m just writing to welcome you. This site is a warm place that should make you feel proud to be the mother of such a wonderful guy. Your son has TONS of amazing girls writing hilarious/sarcastic/honest letters to him each and every day. I hope you find yourself laughing along with us, sighing over the pictures of the beautiful boy you popped out and perhaps even penning a letter of your own!

Anyway, I just wanna thank you and Mr. P for getting it on and creating the beautiful man that you did. I gotta be up front with you though- I want to bang your son. Yep, I really just said that.  I don’t want there to be any awkwardness or surprise if you accidentally walk in his room and I’m half out of my 90’s-grunge clothes pulling the shirt over his head while he’s playing me “Bella’s Lullaby” on the piano (ya know, for my Bella/Edward fantasy). It’s better that I just tell you my intentions from the beginning.  I plan on banging* your son. At this point, you’re probably ready for him to move out of your house, huh? Well, I promise, after one night with me, he’ll be begging to move in with me. So, just tolerate the headboard banging and destroyed feather pillows (I promise I’ll replace them) just this once. Afterward, wanna get a mani/pedi?

Here’s the vid where Rob says talks about you stalking him online:

Looking forward to meeting you in the kitchen of your house when I’m looking for an ‘after-sex’ snack (I like goldfish crackers, btw),
UnintendedChoice

*I also plan on bringing back the word bang and using it like it’s 1995

——————————————————————————————————————-

Moms rule!

Moms rule!

Dear Clare…

I’m gonna call you Clare because that’s what my online stalking (one of your favorite pastimes too, I’m sure) told me your name is and I think you’d feel “Mrs. Pattinson” is a bit too stodgy and mother-in-lawish (someday!)

After seeing you and Richard (Mr. Pattinson) in that Ellen clip above I KNEW we’d be fast friends! Anyone who can dance in the audience of a day time talk show is my kind of people! You seem a lot like my mom: not afraid to embarrass her kids cause she’s having a good time, believes in you and encourages you to pursue all your dreams no matter how far away that means you’ll be from them and will also text me with pictures of shoes from the mall that you want to know if you should get. And I will provide you with fashion expertise, Clare, trust me! A sample:

“Seriously get them Clare! You only live once! In fact get every color, they look THAT good! You can totally wear them with your LBD”

That’s just a taste of what it will be like after we’re BFF!

Anyway, all this nonsense to say, UC and I felt it was time to finally introduce ourselves and tell you what a fantastic, wonderful, beautiful (and I don’t call boys beautiful every often) charming and seemingly GOOD person your son is. Someday I’ll put together a book full of letters people have written your son, via us. And if you’re ever feeling blue or you’re questioning your worth as a parent, you can read them and know that there are oodles of quality girls (and even some dudes) who think you did a heckuva job. And not just cause he’s Edward Cullen, but because he carries himself with pride AND humility and that makes him seem like a totally genuine person and you are to thank for that!

But enough with the gushing, you know this already, you’re his MOM!

Hugs and thank you’s,
Your future daughter-in-law (aka themoonisdown)

P.S. FYI I swear I won’t make you wear some hideous mother-of-the-groom get up. This is my solemn vow to you.

Mrs Pattinson: Do you know what would be AWESOME? If YOU entered a poem or graphic design into our Valentines Contest! We would totally rig the contest so you could win.  We just KNOW you need some fun Twilight/Edward/Rob gifts to put on your bedside table! *hugs*

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Responses

  1. @UC “I want to BANG your son” ROFL…Priceless!! Awesomeness in its rawest form!!!! :)

  2. *dying*

    “Banging” definitely should be brought back into use.

    Oh, and y’all know I am so in on that action too.

    *waves to Rob’s mum*

  3. UC LMAO!!! You are awesome. You plan on banging the boy she “popped out”. And then the mani/pedi comment. Coke just shot out my nose!

  4. I saw that Ellen show and thought how AWESOME his parents must be when I saw them dancing. Looked exactly like mine!

    @UC – I have no words for your letter. Is it okay if I just sign my name at the bottom, because you’ve eloquently said everything I think on a daily basis.

    Can we also bring back “word to your mother”?

  5. @Amber…LMAO!!! “word to your mother” how bout bringing back…SIKE!!!!

  6. I just want to dance with Mr. Pattinson. I call him that as a show of respect. But after we break it down on the dance floor, he’ll get a new name from me.

    Get down girl, go ‘head, get down…

  7. @krazykidd – No Rob, I don’t want to have wild, crazy, monkey sex with you. I thought we could just talk about your career, your music your motivations when creating the Edward character…SIKE!!!

  8. I have often written letters like this my future Mum in law too. I also write Things I want to do to Rob letters. However, I keep these letters in my head. I would hate for anyone to come across these letters. I think they would be very embarrassed by all the naughty things they would read.
    “I want to bang your son” and “my 90’s-grunge clothes” Classic lines!!! I still have a few of my 90’s-grunge style clothes. Bang is so coming back in style along with SIKE and “word to your mother’ I use “word to your mother” all the time.
    Keep up the awesome letters Ladies!!!

  9. hi ladies! love the letter! one question what is “LBD”

  10. p.s love that picture of rob! he’s so flexible!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Clare is sooo adorable! Rob looks just like her when he laughs like she is in that picture! And she looks so young and cool… I bet she would totally be a TwiMom if she wasn’t half responsible for making that gorgeous boy of hers that plays Edward. :)

  12. I can’t stop laughing here. You ladies are hilarious. Thanks!

  13. Dear Rob,

    Word to your mother.

    Love, me

  14. Yes! I knew I would get to wear my Nirvana shirt again. I’m getting it out the closet now. And I want to give a shout out to Mum and Dad(aka Claire and Richard)

    @Amber “word to your mother” is going to be my phrase for the day, cause its bangin ;)

    @ UC I’m using your today too

  15. Brilliant as ever! LOL

  16. Hi Rob’s Mum,

    I just wanted to say I’m one of those ‘quality’ girls Moon referenced in her letter and I think Rob should be the next Bachelor so I can come on the show, beat these girls down, and win his heart:)
    Well, actually these girls are too cool so they won’t get the smack down but NOBODY is coming between me and my Rob.

    Can’t wait to meet you,
    Rhonika

  17. Dear Rob’s mum,

    Can I trade you for my current MIL? PLEASE!!!

  18. I guess it would be correct to say “trade my current MIL for you”? Whoops! Dang, I screwed up my only letter to you.

  19. @debs-an LBD is a little black dress.

    For everyone else, this letter is hilarious.

  20. The use of the terms “banging” and “goldfish crackers” in the same letter?? It cannot get any better, can it, possibly??

    As for trading MILs, I can’t comment. But I have three handy dandy grandkids GrammyPattz…you could watch them and bounce them on your knee…while your son and I “eat goldfish crackers.”

  21. @Amber…You are a GENIUSE!!!!!! Water came out my nose when I ready your letters just now!!! LMAO

  22. @ UC
    “I gotta be up front with you though- I want to bang your son”

    I’m laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face, and I’m at freaking WORK!

    I’ll say it again.. stand up is calling your name. I’d be the first one in line.

  23. @ carrie – you cant keep that stuff inside you’ll explode! :) welcome!

    @rhonika – a rob version of the bachelor with all of us?! omg it’d be one big slumber party and we’d totally forget about him… and then i’d strike why all you biotches were drinking by the pool. MOOHAHAHAHA

    @debs/colleen Little black dress! right on it

  24. Pure perfection. I completely concur with every word with the exception of two things….
    Instead, I will be wearing an easily removable black lace ensemble. And my preferred after-sex snack is usually anything from the Ben & Jerrys family.

    p.s. I promise that when Rob and I are…ahem…”getting dirty” in a shower banging romp, I will secretly wash his hair as to help prevent that dreaded “scalp disease” you worry about.

  25. @themoonisdown- Perhaps one day I will start my own blog with my What I want to do to you Rob letters.
    I also want to start a blog called- Stupid Shit my drunk ass friends argue about when drunk-
    Here is a recent example- When discussing if we took ACT’s or SAT’s drunk friend interrupts conversation to say “SAT’s are to get into High School and ACT’s are to get into college.”
    I have had hundreds of evenings like this with my drunk friend. All we can ever say in response if “Bless her drunk heart.”
    Sorry to go off The Rob topic but felt the need to share. :-)

  26. @UC,
    I think I must be old, because I didn’t know banging went out of style…hmmm
    Anyway, I’m so glad you wrote these letters, Mrs. Pattinson, Clare…will now be able to rest easy knowing that her son will be WELL TAKEN CARE OF!! I’m sure it makes her heart glad to know that we are such “High Class” Girls! And will service him…umm…I mean meet his every need!

  27. @SoWasRed – No easy to remove ensemble for me. I want something that can be torn off me a la Breaking Dawn.

  28. I got all creeped out when I saw his parents for the first time… his mother doesn’t look too old! Which means I must be old! Ewww… I’d much rather think his parents are living in an adult 55+ condo developement ~

  29. @ Jbell,
    I totes agree! Rob’s mom looks so cute and fun, like she would totally be our collective BFF.
    She’s very pretty too, so we know where the patty sibs get it…I mean she could totally be a MILF! I hope she takes that as a compliment…I WANT to be a MILF…Is that crazy ;} ??

  30. @Mrs. P – Being a MILF is good, very good! That will make us irresistible to Rob!

  31. @Mrs. P – I thought the same thing about “bang” not being out of style… I hear it used a lot in my little part of the world. Mostly the adolescent 16-19 year old boys, but still… ha

  32. Great letter UC! I believe the proper term in this context would be ‘shagging’ as they would say in the U.K. Or ‘shag’. Just so Mrs.Pattinson (Clare)understands. Haha.

    @Mrs.P- wanting to be a MILF- it’s a goal that we should all aim for!

  33. Rob’s Mom –

    Hi, I am Lauren. You know, the girl who made that LOL-worthy post about Pocket Edward? I am sure you saw it. Anyway, I saw you dancin’ about on the Ellen show and I said to myself, “Lauren, Rob’s mom should be your friend, because you like to dance about.” So pretty much what I am saying is, can I come over and we can hang out? And by hang out I mean, can I make out with Rob while you aren’t around?

    Kthanxbye.

  34. Anyway…UC, MOON…Rob’s mom TOTALLY reads your blog. I know this.

  35. another great letter UC! i think some of the coke i was drinking went to my lungs….i almost died laughing at the just so you know..i wanna bang your son part of the letter.i dunno if mrs pattinson will be horiffied or amused if she actually reads this

    NOTE: hey,mrs pattinson,just so know know,i wanna bang-shag your son too!

    your future daughter in law (haha)

  36. I think that the fact that e/v who reads this blog wants to ‘get’ with Rob is a given.

  37. If I didn’t know it before I know it now.

    You.

    Rock.

    Hugely.

    Both Mr and Mrs will love you… and make you whatever kind of post ‘banging’ snack you need. No questions asked.

  38. Awwww, he looks just like his mum!

    Post banging snack I’m sure must consist of sausage and pepperoni hot pockets and peach snapple! Hey, did you all see the clip where the E! journalist brought Rob a bag of hot pockets to the LA premiere of Twilight? LOL! Rob told him he didn’t have good taste in hot pockets because they were the wrong kind and told them they were suppose to be frozen, LOL! I always laugh when I hear the hot pocket reference because that’s what Chelsea Handler calls her peekachoo. LOL!

  39. Rob’s mom – Please do not read this rest of this comment!

    Dear Rob,

    You like hot pockets. I like hot pockets. Let’s bang.

    Love, me

  40. Dear Rob,

    You like hot pockets. I like hot pockets. Let’s bang.

    Love, me

  41. Sorry for the double post…grrrr, stupid WordPress!

  42. no vegetarian hot pockets for rob for the after banging snack,he doesnt think highly of those LOL

  43. which reminds me,I love that interview where he said ” I’m just a tool,I’m a big hard tool” oh yeah rob we absolutely would love you to be our ” tool”.

  44. @Amber…I think you meant to say

    “You like hot pockets. I have a hot pocket. Let’s bang.”

    Much more to the point, would you say? ;-)

  45. @Sass- LMAO! Good one!

  46. You girls outdid yourself again – warming up to the mom in hopes of banging him. And I have to agree when did banging go out? Would stand in line to bang him. So word to ya mother let’s all stock up on some hot pockets and try to bang Rob.

    I also like the idea of letting the future MIL know what kind of post sex snack you like – very good info to have. HA!

  47. Again with the funniness. I love you guys. These are the best letters yet!

  48. @UC and moon
    i thought you couldn’t get any funnier and then you post these letters! you guys totally rock!

  49. @Sass – You took it to a whole ‘nother level!

  50. UC and moon you are too funny! I’ve often wondered what Rob’s mom thought about all his female fans. I’ve gotta say his laugh makes him beautiful—and those hands.

    Oh, and I’m taking my place in line!

    • @EyeC i think you’re new- out of lurkdom? WELCOME:) and get in line!
      xo


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